Follow
Share

Dad is 84 with moderate dementia (SLUMS score 13 about a year ago). He lives in his home, I just started home care 3 hours per day each weekday. My brother doesn’t think he needs it, but I like having someone there with him. You can make himself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal and will take his meds if someone reminds him 10 times. I take him to and schedule all his medical appointments, monitor his health, set up weekly med box, do his shopping, help with house care etc. Myself and the one brother take turns staying nights with him just in case he may need something in the night, falls, whatever. UNTIL tonight. He had a huge fight with my brother. He is refusing to let my brother take his handgun and secure it. My brother is rightly concerned that he will try and shoot one of us in the night due to be confused about who’s in the house. He kicked my brother out of the house and told him to not come back if he didn’t feel safe. I called to talk to him about it and he downright refuses to relinquish the gun and says I can basically screw off, he doesn’t need me or anyone else to help him and hangs up the phone. I have just spent the last four nights with him and need to be present for my husband and my home. I feel absolutely terrible but I making the decision to let him stay home alone and I’ll call him first thing tomorrow. He said that’s what he prefers, but it makes me nervous. I’m I being terrible?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
No. You aren’t being terrible at all. Does the care taker know that he has a gun?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It might have been easier if brother had taken his gun after he'd gone to sleep. But of course, hind sight is 20/20.

Have you considered an overnight aid?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

No the caretakers don’t know about the gun. I will be sure to inform them if we can’t get it this weekend. It would have been ideal if brother would have just taken the gun, but here we are now. I have considered overnight help but if I’m being completely honest he doesn’t NEED it. It just makes me feel better about him being in home alone. Nothing has happened, yet, to show he needs that level of care. I was hoping to avoid it having to happen but I think I am burning myself out trying to control his environment early.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I do think you have an obligation to advise the caretaker of this situation, ASAP. One of the private duty agencies I considered made it clear that guns on the premises needed to be secured. I had no problem with that.

But if the caretaker doesn't know, and something happens....especially with any level of dementia but most definitely if he's adamant that he wants the gun(s) available, you'd feel horrible.

You might want to consider asking the police for assistance, especially if there's concern that someone might be shot because of nighttime confusion.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

BillsDaughter
Be VERY careful that you don’t wear your brother and husband out. Listen to them. They are in this too. Your brother was right to remove the gun, just maybe not in the manner he chose. Will dad remember tomorrow that his son tried to remove the gun? Pace yourself. This is a long road.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

My brother just talked about my dad giving up the gun and expressed his concern which my dad angrily responded to. Resulting in kicking him out and then yelling at me when I supported the need to remove the gun. He desperately doesnt want believe and/or doesn’t understand the risk. I don’t really allow my husband to take part in any caretaking though he does have to listen to me vent, see me crying and witness my high levels of stress. Husband thinks I “care too much” and need to let some things go-not the gun issue of course-but staying overnight at his house etc.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Whoa Jackson
Your husband’s entire life is up for grabs with you caretaking your father! What do you mean you don’t ALLOW your husband. This is his life too!!
Forgive me, Bills Daughter, but you need to take a minute and reflect on that position.
On the other hand, this may have been a wake up call for you and brother that you can’t really expect dad to act rationally. He has dementia.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

If your dad's behaviour has changed, is it time for an assessment and a check up for anything physical like a UTI? Dementia progresses. You need to know what is happening in terms of planning for his care. He may have taken a step downwards.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

A person beyond the very early stage of dementia cannot safely live alone. This period may be extended somewhat by bringing in help, but eventually Dad cannot live alone. Are you and your brother thinking ahead to that time?

A person at ANY level of dementia must not have access to guns. There was a case in the news here of a father killing his son because he thought he was an intruder. This is just way too dangerous.

I don't know if the police or the sheriff's department can help with this, but I think I would start there.

I am so sorry you and your brother are in this very frustrating situation.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

If you are worried about him falling, get him one of the wearable emergency buttons.
Get the one that is worn on the wrist. So many elderly folks remove the neck pendant at night because it gets tangled up around their neck or clothing. My grandmother had the neck pendant and kept removing it at night. Both falls she took, she wasn't wearing the pendant.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

He has a wrist emergency button, buttons in the shower, long distance coverage going 1000 feet around his house in case he is trying to do yard work etc. I spoke with him this morning. He’s demanding to be assessed for dementia again because he doesn’t think it’s true and that we just want him “to sit in the house” since I also won’t let him drive. He has a DMV test next month to see if they will let him. He’s still angry about the gun and won’t listen when I tell him we are taking it-just starts talking over me. Having so much fun—sarcasm
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

hi billsdaughter i'm sorry what you're going thru. having to deal with someone with dementia is almost like living in the twilight zone. don't expect your dad to agree because he just wont see things like you do. and if he ever agrees, he can turn around and disagree. depending on how bad his memory is.

I know its hard. realize its not your fault and something may happen even tho you are trying to keep him safe. he may decline slowly in his memory, but eventually it will get worse.
my dad was fine as long as he was left alone(as long as he wasn't bothered) but as soon as we asked his opinion ex: 1)sell his car, he wasn't driving. 2) cut down a tree, its needed 3)leave the yard sprinklers on, grass dying 4) close the windows, its HOT use the a/c. 5) going outside in the dark, & he can barely walk.

he wouldn't agree to common sense stuff. and his judgement was bad.

at a certain point you just cant listen to what they tell you anymore.

luckily for me, my mom and dad had a trust and will set up with an attorney
& was able to get them to both agree to sign off

still it doesn't get someone to "agree" to anything

my dad has passed away. but my mom has dementia pretty bad. she still thinks at times that she is able to do the same things she used to be able to do.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

The gun has been removed! It took my Uncle telling him to just do it “or they will hound you about it”. It worked and now we all feel sooooo much better. Promised him a burger for Fathers Day! Lol
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Yay, glad to hear this!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Wonderful!!! 
Until DMV Day 😨

😉 We just gotta laugh....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you for sharing good news. Enjoy Father's Day!
This is the first year I will not have daddy on Father's Day,
he passed at Christmas. I had the car issue and the gun issue.
Very challenging. The home is empty now and being sold.
My life is calmer now, but I miss him so much.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Thank you all so much! It was like what I would imagine having a supportive non judgmental sibling would be like! Ha!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Yoga, I'm so sorry your heart is hurting. Hope you feel better soon
Huggz💖
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If your dad's memory is still good enough that he remembers the guns from one day to another then you might consider having your brother come by the house with a gunsmith while you have your dad out of the house for an appointment. Let the gunsmith remove the firing pins from the guns so they won't fire anymore. When dad's memory is bad enough, remove the guns from the home permanently.

Please remember that the dementia brain is not predictable. Don't count on your dad being more cooperative with police officers than he is with you. If you call cops to assist you in removing the guns, be prepare for them to defend themselves per their training with various levels of force - up to and including deadly force. Police are not medical providers and most have very limited training dealing with people displaying mental problems (some have none at all).
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I have the combo and went back last night and removed all the bullets. He has nothing to shoot with now. He can’t buy more bullets without myself or my brother driving him somewhere. I will remove the gun itself when he seems to longer care or remember.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Bills daughter,
I'm glad this is settled for now. Did you enjoy your Father's Day with Dad?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Glad it all worked out. I checked your Dads 13 score this means definite Dementia. It only gets worse. TG my nephew lived with Mom. He kept me up on what was going on. He was able to do her med planner and hide it. But, she got to the point that he could not take care of her. Dementia can be slow it can change overnight. Be watchful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

We had a nice Father’s Day. I “let him” have a cheeseburger which means I’m “good” again. Lol.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter