We just got my mother into a nursing home. She has diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, and just had cyber knife surgery for lung cancer. She cannot and will not take care of herself, ie taking her meds and insulin and following a diabetic diet. She has developed dementia from all the combined problems.
She is very unhappy about the home, even though it is a beautiful place, one of the highest rated in our area. We have a family member already there who loves it. Mom keeps berating me, trying to guilt trip me, and saying if we don't take her out, she'll go out feet first. It has only been two days so far, but she has gotten worse if anything, attitude wise.
Is this normal behavior? Can we expect her to get through the grief and anger and recognize that we're doing the utmost best we can for her? How long can we expect this attitude to last? Is there anything we can do to make the transition easier? Should I tell her that if she continues the abusive behavior, I won't come see her? I am at a loss what to do. It is tearing me up to hear her say these things, although logically I know it is the best thing for her. My wife and I are the only family members who have even tried to take care of her in our home, to no success; we both have serious health issues ourselves.
Can we expect this abuse to continue, or will she eventually understand it's for her own good?
Cruise around this forum. We ain’t alone by a long shot..
mind. I have put my big girl panties on...I thought I was adulting pretty good at 34 & then bam...way more adulting than I have cared to experience! Yes I feel guilty using my POA to spend down her money on a lawyer, prepaid funeral, and nursing home fees prior to Medicaid but that is the process I am in now and it is what i have to do to keep her safe. The alternatives just don’t sit well with me no matter how I wish I could spin it.
Windy, i did the same for my mom...had the emergency call button that she never wore around her neck, registered her with the police department so they could get into the house for emergencies, I called every night, had people do wellness checks on her, sent Shoprite from home so she had food, arranged her doctors appointments and got in home
Nurse & PT and in the end it wasn’t enough. The support from so many people going through the same things is amazing because a lot of my friends have parents that aren’t as old as mine were so they have no idea...and I never wish them to have to go through it
This may be a good read for you right now. The fight is nearly out of mother, as the vascular dementia as robbed her of so much, but her organs and appetite are still strong, so she survives.
"Old age should burn and rave at close of day," could have been referring to Alz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do not go gentle into that good night - Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the time comes when the choices aren't great, but we have to put our big girl/guy panties on and deal with it. I know it isn't easy. I agonized about priorities when mother first went into the geri psych hospital, and whether or not to endorse them trying to give her antipsychotics surreptitiously. I might not have bothered as she figured out what they were doing, and refused her juice or applesauce or whatever. She was demented, but not stupid. She spent a pretty unhappy near year there, and, finally, after some particularly scary delusions, agreed to being given the antipsychotic. Things went much better after that.
My sweet nephew, parents grandson, has been with my folks for 2 days, bringing them frostys from Wendy’s, pizza from their fav local joint, and worrying himself sick about their state of affairs.
We had a long phone chat, I’m trying to get him to understand how dementia works. He thought he had mom all set with her call button/pedant. Explained it to her etc. Poor kid leaves for 2 minutes, comes back, mom has fallen, again......Never thought to hit her button.
This just goes one way and it’s not good. But it’s better than my folks being in a filthy old house living on cereal and dying on the bathroom floor. That sounds awful, I know, but that’s what we were facing.
I think my nephew is coming around a little. He’s had some good talks with the staff folks there. They are the best.
Today for the first time she was more orientated and started telling her stuff she was saying and she seemed stunned and that there might actually be a problem. I cried, i felt like i was actually talking to my real mom, not the confused person my moms become. I’ve always had a difficult relationship with her she’s not a easy person.
Like you said Windy...she’s unhappy but she’s safe, fed, taken care of and if something happens we will be notified! We are all doing the best we can, as heart wrenching as it is
She may come around, it is still too soon to tell.
Lead the conversations with "the doctors said."
Sorry this is a different kind of hard right now. It must hurt to hear that from your Mom.
When my son's wife was delivering their first baby, both she and her Mom were heard to say to my son: "You did this to me!" ; "You did this to her!".
These are just things people say, often.
Both my parents went into care one month ago. Dad has advanced dementia, sometimes thinks he’s visiting mom in a hospital, or thinks he’s in a fancy resort. Mom is confused but knows she’s not home and I tricked her into this prison.
I’m long distance and tried to call and talk with her but have pretty much given up. Same conversation each time: Mom you had some bad falls, you can’t get around any more and keep track of Dad. IM FINE. JUST NEEDED TO REST. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!
This is probably where it will end for me and mom. I’m getting used to it. But I know she’s fed, warm, clean, safe and cared for whether she likes it or not. I’ll settle for that .
I agree with the poster above: manage your response. In your heart of hearts you know this is the best for her. Cling to that. My response is to just be firm: "this is the way it has to be. I can no longer care for you the way you need to be cared for. I know you are unhappy. So am I, but when you talk that way, you hurt my feelings." etc. Just remember, most of what she is saying is the dementia talking, not her true self. It has been a year and a half since we put our mother in a care facility. She still gives us guilt trips, still says no one is good to her, still says we just threw her away, still says we wanted to get rid of her, and on and on. What keeps me sane? Knowing that she said the very same things when I was staying with her in her home. I have to pray a lot and ask for peace of mind. God's strength gets me through tough times. I can't say that it will get better. But a positive attitude and setting aside the guilty feelings will help you cope. And that is the most important thing now. She has other caregivers. It is time to take care of yourself.
It has to be very hard to experience someone's unhappiness with a situation, but you can only manage your reactions to her feelings. Figure out the kindest way to work through her feelings and don't beat yourself up. I can say that it should not be a contest of wills, or cause you to break off ties with her. If it is heading in that direction then the staff members at that home need to step up and work with her, and you to make the transition less emotional. You've said it is a first-class facility, so they must be experienced at helping ease transitions.
Do as much as you can and work with the staff. People on this site can share their own stories, but one truth all of us know is that every situation is completely different so all we can do is the best we can while remembering to be kind to ourselves and them.