My mother is 98, going to turn 99 in December. She still lives at home by herself, and drives to the grocery store and hairdresser, which I think is kind of crazy at this point. My brother is her sole caregiver since he lives closest, but he only sees her on the weekends and odd days during the week when she needs to get somewhere she's not comfortable driving to. In my opinion, especially with the forced isolation of Covid, her self-care capacity has gone downhill. Yesterday she called and said she couldn't cut her toenail and wondered about getting a pedicure appointment. She's going to research that with her hairdresser next time she goes. I asked her if my brother couldn't just do that for her, and she said oh no, not at all. My brother has always been a little off, never dated, and never married. Even when we were kids he struck me as being odd, but if I said anything I'd just get a whack from Mom. I think he's on the autism spectrum, but nobody thought of that in the 1960s. I'm just concerned that Mom might be failing, but he's not able to think far enough ahead to make sure she's got proper care. He's always done exactly what she's told him to do, so if she says she doesn't need help I'm afraid he's going to just take that at face value. Anyway, I've been reading so much on this website and it's helped tremendously understanding the process of getting help as you age, for yourself and for your loved ones trying to take care of you. I was trying to compile an email with a link to this website to send to my brother and my sister who lives far away as well. Then I realized that it might be taken wrong, as questioning what my brother was doing. I mean, I live too far away, what am I going to do? I can't pay for in-home care, I can't provide any care for my mother, so really what's the point of me getting involved? I want to reach out to my brother and just say I'm here if he needs anything, but really what help can I provide? Has anyone else felt out of the loop and uncomfortable asking how things are going?
Perhaps the best thing would be to make it clear to each of them that if they decide they want more help, you are willing to help with investigations, choices and support – even if you can’t be there with them all the time.
Mom should go to a Podiatrist to get her toenails done. Medicare pays for every 10 wks. As we age our nails get thicker and harder to cut. Nurses are not even allowed to cut toenails. If nicked it can cause infections.
Count it a blessing that you don't have to be responsible for your mother in her dotage.
From what you say here she still seems to have it together pretty well and can make logical choices for herself.
Maybe she would be onboard with getting someone to come in and "help" here a few hours a week. Like with errands, appointments, housekeeping, etc... It would be a bit of companionship for her during the week when your brother isn't over there.
Also, don't assume that your brother is "on the spectrum" because he doesn't fit in the box you think he should. That's the new trendy nonsense for anyone who isn't exactly like what everyone else thinks they should be. His never having dated or married really has little to do with anything. I have a good friend who is a nice-looking man, highly educated with a doctotate in one field and a separate master's degree in a different one. He's very successful, owns his own home, lots of friends and lives a good life. He never dated or married because he was simply never interested in sex or dating. There are such people as this. They are called A-sexual and this does not put them on the autism spectrum.
Her plan to consult her hairdresser about a pedicure resource is a reasonable idea. Or she might find a Podiatrist on her own. Podiatrists routinely do foot and nail care on older patients. It sounds as though your brother checks on her regularly and that she knows how to ask him for rides or help when she needs to. She and your brother do not need "a talk."
How about you move closer (maybe a month - month rental or a room in someone's home) and help by visiting and taking her on errands? You're only out of the loop if you don't participate.
You care, that is clear in your post.
Septic systems are very expensive to replace. I was in a similar situation with Dad, but he was not having it pumped, he was just letting the tank overflow, for 10 years. 3 years ago I started getting it pumped every 5 months or so at a cost of $5-600 each time.
The system was replaced this year at a cost of $35,000.
There is not much you can do.
When the pizza was served under cooked, the family should have pointed it out to Mum and put it back into the oven. If that would have triggered Mum, that is a sign that cognitively she is not doing very well. Hiding the mistakes just reaffirms the senior's certainty that they are doing OK.
Don't fix what isn't broken, that's my 2 cents on this subject :) I have no doubt the two of them would be on the horn in a minute calling YOU if there was truly a need to. There isn't. Roll with it.
Doesn't that indicate that your mother is capable of seeking what help she needs when she needs it? If you'd like to meet her half way, look up some podiatrists local to her and put her in touch with them.