This is both a question and a vent, but it just happened again and I'm irritated.
(Dad is maybe early dementia but the diagnosis is not clear, lots of health problems, in AL near me. I am POA, healthcare proxy, handle his appointments, finances, shopping, freakouts, major health crises etc. We have a weekly dinner with him at my house or a restaurant, celebrate all holidays, and invite him along when family is in town)
Dad talked to my only sibling that speaks to him and said now that it's spring, he wants to get out more. Her solution? (Since she lives in another state.) I should arrange weekend outings for him to local museums and attractions. She told him this, and he told me.
My husband and I both work full time. We have a teenage daughter. Our weekends are full of her school activities, catching up on work, errands, cleaning, maybe if we are lucky a date night or drinks with friends. Now I'm supposed to arrange a special outing for my Dad who I already see multiple times a week for his appointments, and have dinner with every Weds. I also speak to him daily and do all the doctor calls, pay his bills… but no, now I have to arrange to take him to a museum or something every Saturday because he told my sister he's bored.
I seriously hate this.
Aside from your sisters back seat driving, I would talk to the AL facility to see if they can try to engage your dad to participate in any activities they have going on. Maybe pair him up with someone that is on the same physical/mental level as he so that he has someone to meet for lunch or play a game with, etc.
If not, send your sister a list of different transportation companies, so she can plan and pay for these outings for Dad.
A look at the unit’s activities calendar and conversation with the staff can determine if he is participating or choosing to rely on his family for entertainment.
Reviewing the activity calendar with him might peak his interest and give clues on what might be suitable additions to his schedule that don’t include your intervention.
He's at an AL - call them and find out what kind of outings they have and sign him up for as many as you can. You can also check with nearby churches to see if they have any elderly groups - maybe one of the gentlemen in the group could come to get him and take to meetings. Those groups usually schedule little day trips and he could participate.
Someone else mentioned to let him visit your sister. Great idea!! Call her and tell her it would be good for him to visit with her for a couple of weeks while he is still fairly good in the mind. If there is some kind of direct transportation - plane train, etc - use that with the direction that he must be handed off to your sister just like you do with children. - or meet sis half way to deliver him.
So, email communication gives me the time to craft a civil, reassuring response to her concerns(no to the HIPAA has saved me a lot of time putting out fires!) And I did let her know my feelings about delaying opening/responding to her emails because each seemed to have a new project. I also told her how important my caregiver's support group was and suggested she find one close to her. (She has done that and finds it helpful...perhaps your sister can find a caregiver's support group. It helped me to hear the issues from someone in my SIL position during one of my meetings, so I assume she gets a little more input from my viewpoint w/o me having to try to tell her.
I can't help but think your Dad is manipulative? Why does he choose to go about things in such an underhanded manner?
The sibling who is not involved may feel guilt, and then project it onto the one who is doing everything.
I am speaking from experience.
So what I can offer you in the form of advice is this. Look after yourself.
Don't ring every day, especially if he is prone to complaining. Every other day, or once/twice a week is enough. With years of this going on in my own family, I no longer speak to my sibling at all, and whenever I was told "your brother says...." I would respond with "Oh that's interesting, get him to do it."
He lives in the UK and we are in Australia.
I have also expressly stated that I am no longer interested in his opinion, and don't wish to hear it from my parents.
I suggest you do the same with your father. Statements like. "If... thinks you should go out on the weekends she should fly down and take you out."
It will put a stop to the whingeing, and in all honesty you are best to ignore your father's complaints and manipulation, because if you respond, he will just increase his demands.
It is a good thing to help out family, but you have your own family, your father has lived his life, your daughter is just beginning, weekends are for your family.
Tell him once, never revisit it, and any "your sister says..." comments can either be completely ignored or she can fly in and carry out her own advice.
Take care of you.
Take your power back and completely ignore it. You don't owe her a conversation, or an explanation, and a phone call. Live your life the way you want to. If she has free time, she can drive in down and do it. I'd completely act like you never heard it. If she brings it up, you can volunteer her the way she did you.
As for your dad, ignore it too. You didn't say if he is home or at nursing home. If he is in a NH, they have activities. Most didn't last an hour, during them.
You could have movie or game night at home when he visits. Maybe some easy kids games?You'll have to help him with it. Give it a try. It might be good, or a bust.
I'm not sure someone with dementia would be good going out. They might only be able to handle a few minutes and have enuff. What if he felt tired and can't walk any more? What if he is incontinent? Who changes him and what bathroom? What if he has a melt down? Only you know him.
You could try a trip to grocery store. I don't know if he walks or in a chair. Make it a short trip. Only a few items. He might like that.
I'd keep living my life and not adding any more stress. Good luck. Sister can make all the plans she wants. Oh well.
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Suggestions:
Realize that your sister is ignorant (and perhaps self- centered?). Therefore you cannot expect her to operate in the realm of reality. This way, you can set a boundary between you and her about anything pertinent to your parents’ end of life care. You can tell when you’ve set a boundary when you no longer react emotionally to her comments. You can’t expect a blind person to walk around a mall without at least a cane. So why expect her to be able to see the reality of what you’re doing when she’s out of state and hasn’t the awareness of what you are going through? No longer give her the authority due to her lack of awareness etc. to have power over you. She might be projecting her own guilt on you for not being involved.
Another idea is to send her a copy of the paperback, “The 36 Hour Day.” If she’s open to learning anything, then she might come around.
A third idea which might reveal her inner state is say something like, “Getting out on weekends is a great idea. Since my time is taken up with their ‘xyz’ activities during ‘abc’ days and I am working M-F,” maybe you could come here once a month and spend a weekend with them? Then if it works, maybe I could do one weekend a month.” See what kind of reaction you get. If she makes excuses then all you have to say is something like, “That’s too bad, it might have been a good idea.” That way you reveal her attitude while telling her on a polite way what your boundary is.
Word of warning: When it gets closer to your parents’ transition don’t be surprised if your relatives appear out of the wood work telling you what funeral plans should be and how to divide up the property. I am not saying this will be true in your case, but it happened quite a bit in my experience and if there are two or more relatives that come you might find yourself outnumbered and prone to be the victim of mental force and manipulative shameless behavior.
So have a plan made beforehand and gather what resources you might need.
I would strongly suggest some one beside your husband and sister to talk to once in awhile.
Blessings upon you for the care you are showing your parents.
I'm sure you know this, but hoping it helps to be reminded, Hang in there.
”That is not possible’” is also a complete sentence ( I’ve used that one! )
Your dad's AL has daily activities. He needs to take full advantage of those activities. Do they have outdoor space where he can go for a walk and get some sun?
Your sibling is the one who shot her mouth off and put the idea in his head about getting out more because it's spring.
This sibling can arrange and pay for a companion to take your father to the local museums and attractions on the weekends.
Posts like yours really get my anger up because there are few things in this life that I hate more than being volunteered for something because it's convenient for everyone else. Of course, I haven't been volunteered by anyone in a long time. My response when I see it approaching is two simple words. Just seven letters combined. The first starts with an 'F' and the second starts with a 'Y'. I would strongly encourage you to learn these two words and not to be shy in using them when the conversation starts leading towards you being volunteered.
As for your father, tell him plainly that you will be entertaining him on weekends. No explanation is necessary. Offer to sign him up with your town's senior center. They usually send transportation. Or you'd be more than happy to hire a weekend companion that your sibling will pay for to take him to the local attractions and museums on weekends. Then give him a phone and have him call that sibling who ran her mouth and work out the details.
Stop letting your family walk all over you. You do enough for your father and enough IS enough.
The other sibling gets off scot-free and doesn't do a damn thing except criticize DoingMyBest who is the POA and handles all the father's business.
Should she also have to entertain him? No. The other sibling who does all of nothing can arrange for and pay a companion to take her father out on weekends.
But if you want to engage:
Years ago, I led a controversial cause, and hostile media training taught me how to cope with reporters’ questions I didn’t want. You have to answer their question briefly, and then bring your answer around to what YOU want to talk about: “Yes, that’s true and we’re addressing that, but the important thing to remember is . . . “ whatever I wanted to get out there.
Acknowledge your dad’s concern, valid or not, then make it about you. “Gosh Dad, I’m sorry you’re bored. We always enjoy seeing you on Wednesdays. When we have dinner this week, we can tell you all about how Little Sally got the lead in the school play, and she’s only a junior!”
Repeat after me: not my circus, not my monkeys. Keep the conversation about your circus.
Good luck!
Since dad lives in AL he should have opportunities to get outside. Does he participate in the activities at all?
Suggest your sibling when she comes to visit to plan a very special time for him that includes museums or whatever.
You need to work on easier ways to do his "chores". Groceries can be delivered to AL, Bills can be paid online. AL should have their own in-house physicians & some specialists . Ask if they have a patient portal for communication. Eliminate all those phone calls for appointments.