How do you handle family visits when it is 14 people?

Next time they show up en masse, crack the door and tell them you've both been exposed to Covid and are quarantining. Give a good hacking cough. I am certain they don't want to be stuck at home with all the brats if they got sick

I said to my father's doctor, "Dr. Fostvedt, tell me that Daddy can have only 5 people visit him at a time and they can only stay 10 minutes." So, Dr. said, "Your father can have only 5 people visit him at a time and they can only stay 10 minutes." Then I posted a notice on the front door and put it on the answering machine. Then, it wasn't me saying it, it was the Doctor. If more showed up, I would say, "The Doctor xxxxxx". Adjust the amount of people, and the time as is convenient for you. Then, you can say, I am sorry Cousin Susie, There are too many of you, why don't you divide your group in half and take turns. If they are from out of town, refer them to a close hotel with a restaurant. After all, you are only following the doctor's orders. Do, not let them railroad you to make an exception. Stand firm on the doctor's orders.

Another thought, if it is just catering to them that is getting to you, stop doing it. Tell them you are so happy they came and you need them to cook and clean up for themselves. Don't feed them. You know how it is with stray animals, if you feed them they will stay. Have menus from all the local restaurants handy.

jd6122: Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you inform "his family" that he cannot tolerate kids climbing all over his person as he is an ill individual. Not to mention the fact that you're a solo caregiver and you cannot have this type of disruption in your already difficult life. The rudeness of his family is NOT welcome in your home.

I assume these are children from another marriage, as you call them "his family." Since you have tried to control their dropping in, the only thing I can think of is trying to actually invite them for a specific time, rather than them just dropping by. They might have the feeling that you will never invite them over, so they must drop by if they want to see their father and grandfather. Or perhaps you have put them off if they ever call and ask to stop by. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by catering to them, but you shouldn't feel the need to give food or drink to people who drop in. If you do the inviting, perhaps you would have more control over their visits.

The family has already proven they have no intention of respecting you or your rules. I would give up on trying to ask them to suddenly respect you. Is it your house too? Then I would think you should simply lock all the doors and not let them in. Call them later and say it was a bad time. Or if you do let them visit, give them an itemized statement charging them with cleaning the house and replacing all the food they ate. Write it out and sign it. Make it official. Charge for your extra time.. Save any bills.. Then follow through and have an attorney step in if necessary. If they don't pay, tell them to hire someone to help take care of him.. he is their father and should be contributing to his care You have been a pushover for so long you no longer are taken seriously. You do not have to be polite. You could go to a Dr and tell him how stressful his family is. Then the adult care could step in saying that your health is being compromised by them. You need your husband to be on your side. It sounds like he is not helping the problem. Tell him how upsetting they are, disrespectful, and it is making you sick. You can't take care for him and his family if you are sick. He needs to stick up for you. If he doesn't then perhaps he needs to be told exactly what your day is like and if he needs your help, he needs to help you too. OMG! Just read all the responses. You have to stick to your guns and follow through with any punishment for breaking the rules of respect. Tell them 'if you do 'this' 'this' will happen'. Then do it! They actually break stuff in the house and steal things? Next time, get your watch set to video and turn it on and point it at them and the kids. Video all the kids running Round the house, the adults sitting and doing nothing. Then show it to your husband and if necessary, the police. Let the police charge them with destroying property, stealing food etc. Put your foot down big time. It is only going to get worse. Video them!

Had a problem with family showing up unannounced and sitting for HOURS trying to reminisce with my mom who is in end level dementia. Finally, I stopped all communication with them and they quickly understood the cold shoulder I was giving them. The worst part is they NEVER visited and reminisced with her during the many years she was healthy. Now that she’s dying, they want to spend time getting to know her more. Seriously?!

I would not provide anything for them. If unannounced they could order pizza or something. I would tell them since they are all there with him, that you have some errands to take care of and leave for a few hours. It would let them see what caregiving is like and give you some respite at the same time.

I would just agree to meet them in a public spot. Perhaps for lunch or dinner now the weather is getting warmer (picnic - kids can run around) or restaurant when you feel comfortable doing so. You can keep it short that way. It is EXTREMELY rude to come without calling first. And extremely insensitive of them to expect you to provide for them. They should be providing for you.

The only way I could get my siblings to understand the level of care my father required was to ask them to take a shift for a limited amount of time. They had to experience it first hand before they believed me. When they realized it was exhausting, that justified my hiring help. Nothing like walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

Good day to you. Reading your post has me feeling terrible that your are going through this. I went through a similar situation. As caregivers, we must set boundaries with what we can handle and tolerate with others.
Next month will be 7 years since my hubby had a stroke. He doesn't speak, his right arm is dead and he uses a hemi-walker. I have been the sole caregiver ever since. It's not easy but somehow I manage. I applied for Medicaid in 2016 and they denied him. He was left home alone while I works. Then after his sister( she is the firecracker), came in February 2020 after I extended the olive branch, she came to our apartment and yelled, screamed and said I should be locked up, called me a lier. I was shocked by the way she acted, and my husband just sat there crying cause he can't speak and help me. She knows she could never talk to us that way if my husband was able to speak. I was crying too. After she left, I got in my car, went to the park and just sat there and cried out all my tears.
After I came home, I told my husband that I can't handle this, it's disrespectful for her to come in our home and act that way. I texted her and said you are no longer welcome to visit out home unless you change your attitude. You are disrespectful and rude. She went off like a rocket. She said she will send the police. 2 days later the cop came and he met my husband. I showed him the texts she sent to me saying she will send the cops and other threatening stuff. Mind you, she sent the police and APS to my home in 2016. The thing is my husband don't want to see her and she thinks I am the cause of that. That's when I reached out to our office on aging and let them know whats going on. They had us apply for Medicaid and he got approved. A month later, he fell and busted his eye. So now he has aides.
All was going well when I got an alert on my phone one Sunday this February 2021. It was her leaving a voice message saying if anything happens to her brother, she will punched me to death.
I blocked her from calling or texting me. I called her back that same Sunday and I went off on her like a rocket with colorful words, I didn't give her chance to say 2 words. She answered the phone calmly. I have had enough with her. I let her know there and then, I will not put up with her harassing me and you will learn some respect. It's easier for family to tell you what to do when they have not stepped up to help out in any way. She wants to show up at our home unannounced and I told her that's not acceptable.
I have a routine with my husband in providing his care and whatever time I have, is for me to run errands and catch some sleep. She has no idea what my day is like. It's not easy. I know I have done my best in being there for him. I can only do so much. I have broken sleeps at night, anxiety and panic attacks due to the stress of my situation. Seeing her and hearing her voice sends me into a high level of emotional stress. It's better for my well being for her not to be around us.
I am an easy going person who don't like confrontation and keeps to myself. I think that's what she saw and took advantage of my personality.
So my prayers are that you set some boundaries. Only you know how much you can handle at any given time. You need to for your sanity. We all are in this together. God bless..

Would your kids talk to his kids? Are they on good terms? Maybe they would listen to them? Do his kids live in the same town as you? Is there a possibility they arrive unannounced to keep an eye on how you are treating him? If they aren't traveling long distances to come or if they don't call before coming I wouldn't even open the door. Change the Locks. They've already proven they can't be trusted. I'd have a note ready to hold up through a window or taped to the door saying you have plans for the day or you're busy caring for your husband and today is not a good day for visitors, both napping, etc. Sounds tricky and messy and I feel for you!

As I’m reading through the answers I can clearly see the differences between my family and my sisters family. My sister and I married very opposite men and it shows in how we raised our children. It sounds as though you and your husband raised kids differently and you are paying the price for your husbands ways. You can’t change them but you can change how you handle things from here in out.
1. Designate one of the adults (out of 4) to make the arrangements with you AND your husband. He needs to be involved in the scheduled visits and for how long. Your husband needs to step up and let his kids know that out of respect for you, the visits will be scheduled and not random.
2. Put locks on all your doors and shut them during the visit, no one needs to worry that kids are getting into things because they are curious after all.
3. If the visit should include food, the designated person should make arrangements. Order pizza, pick up KFC, let them pick up subs and chips at the store. As a host just have plastic and paper products so no one does dishes.
4. Let’s face it, having visitors is exhausting. But time is precious and someday it will change. The payoff of your husbands family visits is that he gets to spend precious time with his kin. The same goes for time with your kids. I hope you and your husband are able to facilitate the changes very soon so that EVERYONE can enjoy the visits.

Surprised that they wouldn't limit it to an hour. Calling before hand is a MUST! And just tell them, there will be NO food or drink, you're too busy and exhausted taking care of Dad. Try not answering the door at all...(that they wasted a trip.) Or give them chores to do, and leave the house and have some time for yourself (respite). Sounds like a very self-centered group of relatives.

You can ask the kids individually to call him on Zoom (free), once a week. Have them shift days and times, so this way he feels their company and concern, but he's not overwhelmed.

The adults obviously have no regard for you or your husband. They can do the same thing (without the visit), unless the adult wants to take care of their Dad, and stay overnite, or contribute money for an aide to come for a day and give you relief!

Just curious. Did you move into his home he had shared with his wife or was where he raised his kids or the place they came to visit after the divorce? I ask because if so, they don't consider it your house. Its Dads house.

I had this problem with my MIL. DH bought our house a year before we were married. He remodeled the inside. His Mom helped alot. She made drapes for extra money so she did the curtains in every room. After we were married she seemed to think she had the right to come and go. She kept buying things for the house that were not my taste. Until my DH told her to "let J decorate the house her way". Then she stopped.

There would be no way I would be able to leave my husband "for a few hours" with these visitors, ESPECIALLY if the grandchildren were climbing all over him pulling on his leads and hurting him.

Do his children have keys to the house? If so, change the locks straight away. I would then do as others suggest. Open the door a crack and say, "I'm sorry, now is not a good time." They don't seem to care about anybody else's feelings except their own. Insist that 14 people is WAY too much stimulation for their Dad to handle in one visit.

Obviously, these visits are not spontaneous if ALL of them are coming over at the same time. They are purposely coordinating this, most likely to get their visit in and assuage any guilt of not visiting and not "helping". They probably think if they "overwhelm" you, it will be so chaotic and distracting for you, that they won't be asked to "help" you individually in ways that would REALLY be helpful. And it has worked for them.

From what you describe, his family sounds like self-entitled narcissists. They expect YOU to entertain and feed THEM while they visit their father. No. Stop that right now. YOU deserve to be respected in your home. Make it clear that they will need to call ahead to schedule their visits separately for your and their Dad's health and well being. You've been his wife for 18 YEARS. I can see you tip toeing around their feelings early on in your marriage but they are adults now. Make your boundaries clear and unequivocal. If not now, when?

Ask his doctor for suggestions, explain what is happening. Hopefully, the doctor will recognize the craziness and make suggestions. I swear, every Wed between 2 and 3 PM, maximum of two people would be my suggestion. Of course, you can change the time and day. "Doctor's orders. I have to follow them". They are going to resent you whatever you do, do what works for you.

14 people in your home on any given day is a lot.  It would be for me anyways. I would flat out tell them that you know they don't understand what it is like to be the sole caregiver for someone, but it is a lot and all consuming.  Tell them that when their brood of 14 show up un announced, that it is overwhelming.  Ask them to pair down the number of people that come at one time and at the very least schedule the visit.  If they don't comply, don't answer the door.

I'm sure his children and grandchildren want to see what their dads living conditions are like.  I am guessing that may have something to do with them dropping by unannounced.

I don't know if your husband is able to take a car ride or not, but can you suggest meeting them at a park.  That way all of those people aren't in your house and the kids can run free and make noise without it being right in your face.  You wouldn't be responsible for getting drinks or food for anyone...and you could leave when you feel your husband needs to.

I just read one of your responses to another poster.  It sounds to me like they feel claim to their dad while disrespecting you, the stepmother.  And from what you have said (stolen jewelry, house left in disarray) it has probably always been that way.   It's a very touchy situation.  I think you are going to need to keep trying to reason with them about the visits being too much for you and your husband.  The only other option is to not answer the door, which I think will stir the pot.

Why do you feel a need to cater to them. If they want to visit, let them but don't provide them with any food. You have to make that VERY clear. They have to bring potluck. If you really want the visits short--ask them to do work around the house. If your lawn needs cutting, ask them to cut it.

If you REALLY want to make them stop visiting--ask for money. *never fails*.

Put them to work. Take advantage.

OMG I don't think you will win this one without alienating these 4 selfish adults. Anyone who brings a crowd to their sick parent is during this pandemic is being downright negligent. I think this should have been stopped in its tracks from the beginning - but now it's too late. It seems like they don't want to respect your wishes at all and are blind to the fact of how disruptive these visits are. Just some quick suggestions, hope one resonates with you:

Can you gently talk to your husband about it - and have HIM set some boundaries?
If he could say to his closest adult child, or all of them at once "I love seeing you but My doctor said I shouldn't be having so many visitors because Im very susceptible to contracting Covid and all viruses." OR "I love to see you all but it's too much for ME to have everyone here at the same time".

You don't say if you prepare meals for this rowdy crowd but if you do, you need to stop this and just say, " I'm under the weather today".

Last and perhaps most important: Many times, it's not what you say, it's HOW you say it. Kindly tell them how hard it is for you and their dad, and how much you would appreciate some help. I really feel for you, people who are so oblivious need clear boundaries but if you won't or just can't set them, you will have to face the consequences. My sincerest wishes for a good resolution.

Well..a few things you can do.
Since they show up without warning next time they show up say..."Oh, I am so glad you are here. I need a few things at the store, you can stay with "George" while I go out. His "briefs" are in the drawer over there, gloves and ointment are on the counter. I should be back in time but if not, his medication is portioned out in a cup next to the coffeemaker".
Then you take your purse and keys and leave for an hour, 2 or 3 would be better.
If you can't bring yourself to do that then do NOTHING when they get there.
Don't make lunch for them, or dinner. Don't get coffee, tea, cookies, cake or anything else that will make them feel "welcome". If you need an "excuse" say you have a splitting headache and would love nothing but some peace and quiet for a while then go lay down and read, take a nap, listen to some music....
Start "using" the family as your "Respite" time.

When you say “cater” to them are you talking about entertaining them while they are there or are you referring to them coming and going on their time schedule and not consulting you? I’m going to address the dropping in issue first. You don’t say how long you and your DH have been married but it sounds like his kids were likely grown or at least mostly grown when you entered the family. Is it possible that throughout their lives this is the way it’s always been? I mean in my family for instance both my great grandmother and my grandparents home were open door if you will, any family member was welcome to just drop by anytime, the only “rule” being that you yooohoo as you come in and wait for a Yoo-hoo back before barging into bedrooms, the idea being you announce yourself so no one is spooked but you were always welcome to come in. This was our training, the way it had been in our elders homes all our lives. We still Yoo-hoo with my mom before entering her room or when entering the house, it comes naturally. My dads family was the same way and when he remarried it was a very difficult adjustment for all of us because his wife was not ok with his children just dropping in (we weren’t adults yet). Perhaps your DH kids have been raised to drop by whenever they can, did it in their grandparents home so it is natural to do it with their kids. Did they grow up in the house you live in or is it one you and your husband moved into after you were married? I know this doesn’t help get them to call first but maybe it will help to know this isn’t necessarily about you or purposely disregarding you. If your DH is able to process this and help perhaps he could have a conversation with his kids and request that they call at least a half hour or something before dropping by otherwise maybe you could approach from another angle with them, let them know that his condition has gotten to the point that you both really need at least a half hour to prepare him for a visit rather than coming across as though they need “permission” or need to schedule a visit which may be the way it’s coming across even though you don’t mean it that way.

As far as entertaining them while they are there and the length of visits why not take the opportunity to go out and do something yourself, let their visits give you a break and them a taste of what you are doing all day, what caring for him entails. It will only be a taste but actually doing it gives a different perspective from being aware someone else is doing it while you visit. I’m not saying disappear every time you don’t want to miss your time with the grandkids I’m sure but split it up or split the visits up but release yourself from any need to entertain or feed them, if they feel comfortable enough to drop in they should be comfortable enough to take care of themselves.

People like this don't listen in my opinion. I'd do as a social worker instructed me, for another situation, but it may work with a tweak here.

Advise.
They choose.
Consequences.

Advise what you need. They act how they will. You make the consequences that suit you.

Advise that you need notice for visits to your home. That is polite afterall... that home visits suit the folk who live there. That visits need to have LESS people, ONE hour & BYO food & drinks.

The Drop-ins may call themselves *spontaneous* & consider themselves *fun*.
But Planners may think this behaviour is *impulsive* & *selfish*.

If they drop in after being warned I would seriously open the door only a crack & say "now is not a good time. Please call beforehand, like I asked". That's their consequence - no visit. Their wasted time.

I really like Margaret's suggestion of this group nominating an organiser. Someone nominated to take responsibility.

If they STILL drop in. I'd call their nominated organiser & meet at a local pub/hotel/cafe - somewhere with a kids playground. Obviously they buy all their own food. You & DH stay one hour then leave.

That would be my approach. Move it to a location that suits you better. My folks find big groups at their home tiring now too. So we split the groups up or go out instead.

It is called taking you for granted! It used to happen to me - everyone treated me like the housekeeper/cook/bottle washer when we all visited my father BUT I let them!
Looking back I should have made it clear everyone needed to help! Relatives will let you do it, unless you ask, so do.
If you are doing the picnic make sure the others bring food! Ask them to bring what their children will eat and if they are not forthcoming, suggest certain dishes that they need to bring and get them to help prepare it when they arrive if it is not already done.
Children surprise you sometimes - say 'Who would like to cut the cheese into cubes or wash the lettuce?' As opposed to 'Does anyone want to help?' Or ask the bigger children specifically by name 'Jim do you want to wash the strawberries for me?' Etc. Until they get it!
Good luck!

Sounds more like an invasion than a visit to me! I am presuming that these are your husband's biological children and grandchildren and not yours. Is your husband aware and competent so that you can talk with him? Is he comfortable with all their shenanigans? Perhaps you two can talk and come up with some kind of plan that he (or you, in his name) can issue that will make them ..... a bit more manageable. I definitely think you need to talk with him and ask him to please call and give you both advance notice of their visits. That's just rude on their part or it's part of their attitude of not giving a d--n about Dad's second wife. That's why a statement coming from him will have bit more power in it.

And while this may not be an issue for you..... don't waste a lot of time trying to make them like you. It's a done deal in their minds and you will always be the "bad" guy for them so don't give it a thought. They should be happy Dad has someone who loves him and is willing to pay caregiver but ........... somewhere along their upbringing that factor apparently got lost. Too bad for them.

Wishing you peace in this journey.

Why are all these people coming into your house with a pandemic going on? That's my first question. Also, if these people cannot see they are causing a problem for you, they have to be told. And if they don't listen, can you bring yourself to tell them again and again? What about sending out a list of all the things their father could use help with. If it's put that it's their father who needs help, not you, perhaps they will respond with at least some degree of respect. They seem either unable to respect you or they just don't know what is needed. Also, it seems that when people show up unannounced, they can be turned away. Does that make sense?

When my mom was still in her house and I was living there with her, she had an Alzheimer's idea in her head that her relatives were coming. The history of these relatives was that they'd show up from all over the country on the same day (a race to see who could get here first) and invade the homes of the relatives living here. With this memory in her head, my mom had me close all the drapes, lock the doors, unplug the phone, turn off lights and music, and take her to the basement to hide. Most of these relatives are long dead, but in her head of past memories, they were coming and it caused her horrors because she would be the one who had to organize food, cleaning, and beds, while they chatted away with each other.

Just read your response to cweissp. OMG, sorry, I would have child proofed my home long ago with these children. I see where you are coming from but maybe its time to put your foot down since DH isn't or can't. Keep your doors locked so they can't just walk in. How can ur husband enjoy his Grands if they cause him pain. I am always better sticking up for someone else than myself. You now need to be the B****. Call the son or daughter. Tell them that you need to set some boundries because they don't seem to see how bad their father is. They will call before they come. And they come separately. No more this 14 people and the kids running around the house getting into things and breaking your personal items. If they can't control their kids, then you must ask that they leave them home. Maybe babysit for each other. Again, visits need to be shorter. Mainly because Dad tires easily. Children's attention spans are very short so of course they get itchy when need to be good for long periods. He loves his Grands but it physically hurts him to have them climbing all over him. Plus he has the leads that they may pull out. He has good days and bad and when you just show up, it could be one of his bad days, so you really need to call. He loves seeing you all but you must realize how hard your visits can be on him. Its also your home.

This sounds terrible, but you are looking for ways to survive it. Here are some suggestions:

1) Pick one person, phone them (and confirm in writing) that you are giving THAT PERSON the responsibility to let you know the details of any planned visits. At present, 4 adults are sorting it out between themselves, and no individual is taking responsibility to let you know. ‘Let me know’ is all too vague! You need someone to take the blame if it’s not done. You stand a better chance with the next visit, and if you are quite clear about ‘blame’, the following visit is almost certain to be better.

2) Pick someone else to organise food. Say that you don’t have time to do it, and they need to bring with them enough for everyone. If they don’t, it will be a ‘no meal, no refreshments’ visit. Once again, have someone specific to blame if it isn’t organised. Stick to it – don’t provide any food, don’t run round at the last minute, don’t apologise. If they want refreshments, they bring them with them or go out and buy them. No apologies. You can still be ‘nice’ - say something like ‘I’ve been looking forward to trying the things that you make. What a pity it got forgotten, I’m sure you will try to remember next time’.

3) Do you have near you one of those places that hosts children’s birthday parties? Suggest that at the moment it would be the best place for a visit. The children (particularly if they are sub-teen) can enjoy running round on all the bouncing gear, while the adults have a chance to sit quietly with DH. Make it clear which one of them is making the booking and paying for it, and the same with the food that will be available there. You can explain in detail (and again confirming it in writing in an email helps) exactly how it will work better for DH, since they don't seem able to work it out for themselves.

Complaining when things don’t work for you is easily forgotten unless you throw a hissy fit about it - which you probably don't want to do. Organising in advance is a better bet!

I NEVER thought I would get 'tired' when my grands are all here, but there's 14 of them, ages 17 down to 3. It's crazy and wonderful and exhausting.

My sweet and intutive daughters have seen that I get stressed out when we're at our house (the smallest home by far) and they have begun simply saying "we're hanging out at our house" and we go to one fo the 3 MUCH LARGER homes. I'm not spending all the time in the kitchen, and I enjoy the kids a lot more. We do use our house for outdoors events and then the colder months, we're at one of the bigger homes.

I think I made maybe one phone call while I was undergoing chemo and cancelled a family dinner and that is probably what got the girls to think "we're in OUR 40's. mom has been doing this since she was about 25!" There is no shame in letting the next generation take over.

My DH gets bored and tired b/c he refuses to wear his hearing aids, so he often just finds an empty bed and climbs in it. Total party pooper, but that's what he does. He's the one missing out.

People can't read your mind. I know when my middle daughter did Tgiving last year I was weepy with gratitude. All I had said was I was so unenthused about the holidays in general and she got the hint.

Virtual visits would be easiest: phone calls, video phone calls, and online "meetings" like ZOOM. Decide on which days of week and times work best.

If they insist on in-person visits, set the ground rules:

1 - Which days (probably limit to one day of the week) and times (limit to best times for him and you)

2 - Limit how long (2-3 hours max)

3 - Food - they must bring enough for all (including disposable dishware) AND you are not providing anything except water in disposable cups (which they should supply you with)

4 - With weather getting nicer, it should be outside

5 - They need to comply with CDC protocols for COVID - everybody else wears face mask (especially indoors), no closer than 6 feet, handwashing before interacting. Expect everybody to get COVID vaccine as soon as possible unless their doctor advises against it (immunocompromised person).

6 - They need to clean up before they leave

7 - When you say the visit is over, they must comply.

Try it again. Have a group phone call and talk to the adults. Be very specific. I'm trying to do this without anyone's help. All I ask is to come separately. When you live a quiet life with only 2 in the household, it is very hard to visit with 14 people at the same time. When you all leave, he is very tired and so am I. I do want you to visit with him, but I also need help from you to make the visits easier for both of us. Not to mention, I am very concerned about so many people in the house at one time because of Covid. Your dad can not afford to become ill because of current health problems. I cannot afford to get sick because I take care of him. I am very tired with simple day to day household chores and caring for a sick husband. Please visit, but help me to help him with smaller crowds.

I agree, it sounds as if we are not talking about your children, but your husband's children/grandchildren. My family used to just drop in on family members - these days with busy schedules I call first. My husband's family would never just drop in.

Not knowing how advanced the Parkinson's is, does your husband voice his opinion on long drop-in visits where the grandchildren jump all over him? Outside of refusing them entry to the home if they continue to just "drop in" I don't know how to stop this behavior and it could be counterproductive where they would stop coming altogether depriving your husband of time with his children/grandchildren, then making you the "bad guy."

If they want to have a meal with both of you, they would bring the food for all involved.

If it were me, after about 30 - 45 minutes, I would speak up and say thank you for visiting but your father is getting tired and we need to wind this visit down. Your husband should be telling his children to keep down the rowdiness of the grandchildren explaining they are hurting him or his worry about his "leads". If they don't listen to him, I'd then tell them in no uncertain terms that Grandpa isn't a toy and to climb down off of him. (I can't even believe that should have to be said.)

If that doesn't work then I'd leave and return after 30 - 45 minutes kicking them out. But, then, that's just me. Good luck.