Hello everyone - my first post. I have a 97 year old mom who has lived with me for the past (almost) 3 years. I moved her in after she had a few TIA’s and I found her on her bathroom floor after one of them. I decided it was best to move her in. I felt it would be easier on me as I was already doing double food shopping, cleaning her house, etc. She had recently stopped driving and I was running back and forth between her place and mine anyway. So moving her in did make a lot of things easier. However I have a rather small ranch house and I barely made room for her in my small bedroom converted into a laundry room. I was able to put a twin bed and her dressers on the opposite wall from the machines and made a cozy, little spot for her. Once she moved in my life revolved around her schedule from morning until night. I did everything for her - make all her meals, give her a shower, help her dress, make all her appointments, do her checkbook/bills etc. The one thing she was still okay with was using the bathroom, with only occasional accidents, which I am not good with. That is one area that’s a big no no with me - poop and vomit. Children is one thing - adults is a whole different ball game. So I always knew that the 2 things that would make me unable to care for her anymore would be incontinence and mobility. And she knew that as well as I told her. These past 3 years have been very rough - to the point that when I would hear her bedroom door crack open every morning around 10:30 I would let out a big sigh - because there went my day. I would stay up very late at night because she would stay up until 10:30/11:00 and I just needed my quiet time afterwards. But that wasn’t good for my health. There have been many times my husband and I would take a ride and I would just cry because I felt like I had no life - everything revolved around her. Plus my mom has a personality that has made me feel guilty since I’m a kid. I started dating my husband when were were in High school - I was 15, he was 18. My mom actually introduced us cause she was the cafeteria aid. My dad was never around - they were separated without the paperwork. He just was rarely around. And I have 2 older brothers - who are 17 and 11 years older than me. So I sort of grew up as an only child in the house with just my mom. And she was very needy with me. my husband (then boyfriend) and I would actually take her on outings with us because she would make me feel bad if I didn’t include her. My mom was always a funny, fiery and strong lady. She always wanted to be part of the action - but she never, ever gave me any space. When my husband and I got married we made an apartment in my mom’s basement and lived down there for 6 years. Big mistake. She would come down all hours of the night - gave us zero privacy. And it still continues to this day. My husband has been extremely patient but we are really done. I actually feel like I was put here to be my mom’s little slave girl. My brothers never got the guilt that I get and they have had it easy because I’ve been the main caretaker all this time. Even before she moved in with me. I’ve been taking her to all her appointments, making all her important phone calls etc. for as far back as I can remember. I have my own health issues and I have an autistic son and I really can’t take much more. 3 weeks ago my mom got a bad pnuemonia and she ended up in rehab. It’s left her pretty weak where she’s not walking too well and wears a diaper on many days. My husband insisted that it’s time to put her into a long term nursing facility. My brothers agree and are supportive of this decision. They know it’s been rough on me. Of course my mom is not happy about it and has been laying on little guilt comments, but at this point she has no say in the matter. I really have to do what’s best for me, my Marriage and my family now. I have done so much for so long and I’m burnt. I appreciate any words of wisdom - thank you!
While she can sit quietly, she also has the TV blasting all the time and doesn't do well with personal space. She mirrors everyone else's behavior (very badly, for example she tries to mirror my love of technology but also doesn't understand or care how it works) and doesn't really have an emotional identity her own.
Found her on the floor, get her to the hospital, she's now in rehab and is trying to guilt me into coming home, but will absolutely NOT do anything to help herself. She blames everyone else for the fact she can't move.
I also WILL NOT take care of incontinence and mobility issues. I've told her repeatedly that she MUST be able to at least shuffle around the house/wash/feed herself so she can come home. I cannot just stop working or we both won't have a roof over our heads. She won't have a house to come back to if we *both* can't work.
Stay VERY FIRM about this. Your hubs is right. Explain you are seeking care help for yourself and not necessarily for her. YOU need the help. Don't let her strain your marriage, your marriage will be around a lot longer than she will at this point (as dark of a fact that is, it's still fact.) Getting help is the right thing!!
I told my husband that I cannot keep anticipating another fall from mil. The stress. The anxiety. The frustration. And on top with dealing with my husband who is also prone to falls. I don't have the strength. And with no help from family members. I'll go into detail another time. Just saying, caring for one person takes its toll.....caring for two people.....I can't do it anymore.
I always wander if she would have been happier staying in my home, or declined slower or lived much longer. You see, I always assume that if I had made a different choice, it would have been better.
In reality, things could have been much worse. She could have fallen, declined faster, died suddenly while I was not home. THERE IS NO WAY to know what would have happened had I made a different choice. It is choosing to place your own health as a priority that causes the stress.
So, I am coming to terms with my grief and trying to remember that I did the best that I could while being exhausted from a terrible situation. One that was a result of my mom’s age and dementia,
I will say that my visits were wonderful. I was her advocate but my relationship became mother/daughter again…not just caregiver and parent. Try to find the good in this transition. Remember, your caregiving duties do not end with this transition. They just change.
Hugs and prayers as you go through this transition. Keep us updated!
You've reached your limit and did your best. Mom will have to get used to living somewhere else. She'd have recreation, friends, and people who care about her there. Yes, it's true. All LTCFs are not horrible. Some of the kindest and most caring people I've ever met work in them.
It wasn't fair for mom to make no plans for old-age care and to expect you to do it all. Think about that for a while. YOU were her only plan and YOU deserve a better life than what you have with her in the house. Your family does too. She's part of a generation of overentitled elders who foisted the misery of their old-age care on their children. Not nice.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I wish you luck.
Although my mom doesn't live with me, I have performed most/all of the same duties you have over the years (starting with appointments, calls, household help, and ending with direct care, toileting etc.). Plus feeling like I was literally born for the purpose of making mom "happy" and caring for her. Even though you and I (and our husbands) have done EVERYTHING for our moms, WE get the "little guilt comments" because mom isn't happy.
I also agree it's the not knowing that makes it so hard. My mom was put on hospice and I was led to believe she had very little time left. Now I know this could go on for another year or more. Within the next 3 months I will be doing what you are now, and I dread it.
I wish you all the best!
It's time at 97 for her to be in managed care because enough is enough. Really, it is.
It can be very hard to cope with the guilt-tripping a parent can lay on us if we've been conditioned from childhood to let the guilt-trip cripple us emotionally and allow us to be manipulated.
The guilt-trip goes by another name. Emotional abuse.
Your brothers can bear the burden of the guilt-trip/emotional abuse now because it's your turn to have a break.
You're doing the right thing putting her into care. Sometimes what's right doesn't feel good. What a person needs is often very different from what they want. Try not to beat yourself up about doing what's right.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
You ask us how you can let go of guilt.
You let it go by knowing that words matter and you are using the wrong word.
Guilt infers that you CAUSED your mom's woes. You didn't
Guilt infers that you could CURE mom's woes. You can't.
Because words form a habitual path in our brains (literally!) it is crucial you use the right one.
That word is another G-word.
It is grief.
You are watching your mother suffer from living too long. You stand witness to it. What sort of person would you be if you didn't feel grief over this? This is horrible grief, pure and simple, and while guilt does your mom no honor, to grieve with her DOES.
I am so sorry, but it is time for you now. In all truth you waited long enough, and I can only be relieved that you did not suffering from predeceding your parent in your determination to give care. We have seen this happen. It is a waste of the life our parents/any good parent would want for their child.
You should honor what you did in your heart and soul. I surely do honor what you did and cannot, to be honest, have done it for a single second; my limitations are many. This wouldn't be in me to do.
Please take care of yourself now, and glory in the love of your family.
Placing someone in a facility is not an easy decision and in many cases it is one that probably should have been made sooner.
Is she now able to shower and dress herself?
Is she now continent?
Is she now giving you space that you and your husband so deserve?
If all the factors that led you to place her in a facility that can care for her SAFELY at the level of care that she needs have been remedied then you can feel "guilty".
But I am sure that has not happened.
She is going to need more care, more of your time as she declines.
You can and still are an important part of her "caregiving team" but you can be a daughter now that has NOT been put her to be your mom's slave girl.
If mom begins to put the "guilt trip" on you when you go to visit cut your visit short telling her that you don't like it when she talks like that and if it continues you will leave.
I feel this in my bones.
You mention that your son's autism is Asperger’s, which I understand to be the high-functioning kind that, until recently, wasn't even called autism. I hope I have that right, because then you still have some non-slave years to look forward to.
It's good that your husband "insisted that it's time." (...:::taking a moment to genuflect before the Marriage::....) Remember the specifics of where he drew the line (still able to get to bathroom on own but now sometimes must wear incontinence briefs). I encourage you to draw the line in the same place when your husband requires care.
Hopefully you'll be able to find a good place for mom.
But that won't be the end of the matter, so get your brothers to sign on NOW for more support. They are still plenty young enough to help with things like bills and treatment plans and any conflicts that arise in mom's facility. Indeed, men are less likely to be dismissed and ignored than are harried 50-something daughters.
When placement is out of the way, start making your own plans. You now know how the story ends for women.
Your mother is upset because she’s old and frail . Many misplace their grief from losing their independence and put guilt on their child . Your mother may not be happy no matter where she lived due to her body failing her . You have to be strong and remember that it really is the best for everyone at this point even if your mother never admits it.
When visiting or talking on the phone , you get to leave or hang up if Mom starts with the guilt talk . Say “ I’m sorry that you are ill Mom , but this is where you need to be .” Or “ I’m sorry you feel that way , I’m doing the best I can to see that you get the care you need”. Another way to end a visit or phone call that isn’t going well is to say “ I have to hang up now I have an appointment I have to go “. Things like that. Over time if you leave and hang up she may get the hint that you are not going to listen to guilt trips .
A lot of us have been there . It is a terrible feeling , I know . But you and your husband have put up with a lot of your mother being demanding and she made your marriage into a 3 person couple . It’s time your Mom has to put up with being in a facility.
My sisters and I kept hoping our 95 yo parents would just die in their sleep in their beds after five years of keeping them home. For our sanity my sisters and I had to place both of them in a NH. We just couldn't keep them at home anymore. We couldn't live navigating one crisis after another. It was falling mostly on my one sister and became too much. It was destroying her marriage. My other sister had commitments to her daughters for babysitting and I live 3000 miles away and come back every other month for a month stint but refuse to move back.
I don't feel like we failed. We did the best we could. One of us visits them every day. I am going back again tomorrow for two weeks. At least my parents are together there and they are being well cared for. But my mother is bitterly unhappy and begging to come home. But she can't. This could go on for years more and we just cannot do it anymore.
Please know you are not alone. There are many of us here struggling with all this. It's horrible. But just don't feel guilty for wanting to be able to live your life.
If you were in her shoes would you want your child to continue doing what you are doing now?
Hopefully, your mom will understand that you have done all that you possibly could for her.
You are being kind to her and yourself by acknowledging your limitations and finding a suitable place for her to be cared for. You can visit her as often as possible and oversee her care.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
It sounds like your mother’s care has just become too much for a person in a home setting with other responsibilities and demands on her time. You are obviously a very caring daughter— you have no reason to feel guilty.
Best to you.
Guilt implies that YOU did something wrong.
You didn’t make mom old.
I will suggest that what you are feeling is grief, that care at home is no longer enough.
(((Hugs))). You need to be strong to remain mom's advocate.