Between me and my brother we were always treated like we weren't doing anything right. Very degrading. Always his way which we try to accommodate.
My brother tried to put a snow blower on the tractor but dad was in his face that he could do an easier way and now my brother won't help. Total blow out.
Now dad is 91 with major health issues and mom has dementia and I'm taking care of both.
We had a window leaking from snow still on roof and Dad wanted me to pile in one section so he could tell exactly where it was coming from.
Before we started he put his finger up in my face and told me to listen to him. And then he keeps going and going
I listened but I didn't appreciate the finger in my face. So now I get the ladder, go on the roof and I'm trying to show him the distance of the snow across the roof and starts yelling at me.no no no as I'm trying to show him. I was doing what he asked and the next thing he's doing is climbing the ladder. Being unstable I told him to get down
At this point he's still screaming at me and turns around and tells me I don't know what I am doing when I've had 2 homes repaired roofs, windows, sheetrock, fixed my own lawnmower washing machine and dryer.
His comment was very insulting and ended up in a hothead so I left and went for a ride
As he's telling me to go in the house and sit down like a little kid. He has even yelled at Mom cuz she kept repeating herself.
Not Mom's fault and I explained that to him. He's always treated my mom the same way always yelling making you feel stupid. Now with his health issues if he wants to do something he does depends what it is..
How do I handle my dad like this? I can't stand him when he gets in my face when he asked for help or yells at my mom.
And he's starting to forget to and tries to blame or assume that someone took or moved it when he did it himself
My question is, how old are you?
Whatever your answer to that question is, you are still being treated as a child.
At some point you will have to fly the nest and no longer be a child but a grownup with a life of your own, with family that treats you with dignity, and with a quality life.
Or not.
You don't any longer.
Leave.
Mom belongs in a facility where she is not subjected to this.
Brother finally decided enough is enough and walked away. OP should do the same.
The advice below about getting mom in a facility is spot on but since OP is just the child here and dad has all the control as the husband I don't think she will be able to do it unless dad agrees.
Ideally both should be in facilities but separated from each other so mom can have a life without this abusive man in her face until she dies.
He starts his crap, walk away, tell him that you will do this every time he starts and then do it.
Your brother in my opinion did the right thing, walk away, enough is enough, you are your fathers equal as an adult, not a little girl who must do whatever the Ruler says.
Sounds like you either live with them or they live with you, in either case, this is a toxic environment, there are other options, explore them.
She is starting daycare which I'm hoping to have time for myself. It's just dad can't handle mom repeating herself all the time so I had a conversation with him twice now. He blew up at mom in front of his homecare homemaker when he couldn't handle moms repeating.
Financially cannot afford nursing home that is why I live with them to help out. My 2 brothers wanted to sell the house from under my parents that still own the house until they pass.
Settled that dispute with them.
Mom through the state can get palliative care or hospice and much of anything I need for her but dad doesn't have those options and private care in the future will be out of pocket. They never got like long term insurance soo..
My brothers are too "busy" to help me out.
I do have my children help me when they can and at least they do help.
So I do get out from time to time but dad always complains he can't do anything
And yes we all grew up with dad being right and we're wrong even mom except for one brother they put through college and now is working as a physicist
Thats why when he started yelling and didn't know anything I left. I seem to be getting crap from my brothers too. Seems like all the way around
Do whatever you are willing to do and get thanks for. Anything else, go home (or just get out of the way) and leave them to it. If an accident happens, and it probably will, things will then resolve themselves. And it won’t be your fault.
mom is a sweetie, so I never have a problem with her
Dad can hire help.
PS Can Dad look after Mom, or arrange & pay others to look after her &/or him? If so, letting do so.
If not, time for a needs assessment on both of them.
So for mom we're starting adult daycare for a few days a week
So she can have fun herself
It may take you awhile to figure it out. It took me far too long.
Please don’t repeat my mistake and you will be much happier than you are now.
I can’t say that I climbed on any ladders though. You are braver than I am.
Give dad a list of people who are capable of doing these jobs. Call and get estimates if you like.
How many hours do you have home care come in? And that is for your mother, correct?
Just as your brother stopped helping, so can you. Do you think you must keep helping because you are female? (I'm assuming you are female by your screen name.) He refused to be bullied, yet you are allowing it.
What is the financial situation of your parents? Are your parents alone overnight? Is that still safe for them?
If your father is still considered mentally competent, everything becomes more difficult.
I'm disturbed by your description of the snow on the roof issue. Both of you could have fallen off the roof!
Father still competent and he can't even go to the bathroom and she keeps asking where he is all the time. Sometimes she's unaware that he's sitting on the couch
Same goes for me if I'm in another room
I live in house with them. Having to come all the time and now dad can't lift her out of bed or help with her incontinence and getting up at night, not eating right so in that respect living here was okay
So if dad gets like that I am just going for a ride and if I have to I will take my mom with me
Dad has heart and breathing issues and at this point if he wants to do something let him not going to stop him
Something happens then .. whatever
Sounds harsh but am at the point I don't care anymore what he does
And your brothers are "too busy" to help out. The brother above who got college should be doing something. He, too, is doing nothing?
Why did you allow it all to get dumped on you? Are you paid a good wage by the state? Usually we hear that the state pays very little for family caregivers.
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