How do you deal with a non verbal senior? This is my father in law who refuses to speak to anyone in the house, even his own blood. The conversations are rare, he has throat issues, I believe he has throat cancer but he has not been diagnosed. He won't go to the Doctor & his family doesn't care about him. Every interaction with him is awkward & uncomfortable. He can speak but it's difficult. How do you deal with a non verbal senior? I've been told to pay him no mind, ignore him but it's hard.
White board
Text him.
These will work if he is cognizant.
My husband was non verbal due to the Alzheimer's and Vascular dementias I learned to read facial cues. He would not have been able to read, write or text.
If this is a man that you care about and you have interaction with him daily just talk to him. If you ask a question make it a yes or no so he can nod or shake his head. Make choices limited to 2 or 3 things so he can m ore easily make his desire known. "George, do you want a tuna sandwich, or a ham sandwich and do you want soup with it?"
It’s odd - if you were to visit my DH on one of his good days, you might think he has normal cognition. Spend a few minutes in conversation with him and it becomes abundantly clear that it is not.
Instead just talk to him like you would anyone else and let him respond if he wants to and be ok if he chooses not to. And you don't have to ask him questions that he may feel like he needs to answer, but can just talk about what's going on in your life, his grandkids life or even just the weather.
And if his family "doesn't care about him" you may want to call APS and report a vulnerable adult living in an unhealthy environment, and let them come out and do an assessment.
My late husband couldn't speak at all after he had a massive stroke at the young age of 48, and even after much speech therapy, he still could only say very short sentences and simple words, and we were really never able to have what I would call a conversation up until his death at the age of 72.
But I always talked to him, told him about my day, and included him in whatever was going on in our lives and family. And I know that he appreciated that.
So please don't ignore your FIL just because the rest of his family is. He needs to know that at least one person cares about him don't you think?
Your options need to be discussed with your husband, but they include:
1) You don’t provide free care to him. He pays for your time in washing, cleaning and cooking.
2) He pays a share of housing costs.
3) He treats you politely, responds to comments, and acknowledges you as his daughter-in-law and mother of his grandchildren – ie part of the family.
4) Failing 1 to 3, he leaves and finds his own accommodation. The food stops immediately.
You are NOT 'over-stepping boundaries' in setting terms for your own personal interaction with him. You are NOT responsible for his relationship with other family members.
What does your husband think about this?
Easier said than done, I know. Is there anyone outside of the family that can have a heart to heart with him and maybe get him to the doctor? If not, you may have to live with his behavior but it wouldn’t hurt for you to tell him you are worried about him and if he ever wants to talk, you’ll be there to listen. Then, continue as you are, without rancor, if you can. It’s up to your husband to figure out options and make changes. I’m really sorry, it’s a hard situation.
Since he is currently in your home, sit down with him on a day you are feeling up to trying to calmly talk things out in the open. Lay it on the line. Let him know you are trying to have a good relationship with him, but it's difficult when he does not want to acknowledge your presence. Let him know you see him as angry. Ask him what in the world he is angry about. If what he tells you is hateful, at least you have your answer.
If he can do yes/no answers with head nod and shake, that is at least a start. Can he read and write still? If he can then a note pad and marker can be a way to communicate.
Since your husband is having him move out, you can still try to talk it out with him, either before or after he moves. You have not said your FIL has dementia, so talk to him.
If your son has any rapport with him, try to find out why he won't go to the doctor. If he's afraid of the diagnosis he may get, your son can remind him that illness doesn't stop progressing just because someone refuses to acknowledge it. If he doesn't want treatment, he can make that decision.
If it doesn’t check out, another thing to check carefully is FIL’s approach to his son, compared with his approach to you. My reaction is that he may want to see you as a ‘maid servant’, to be ignored as much as possible. He may even dream of getting you out of the house so that he can have his son to himself. This is more usual from MILs to their sons than FILs to sons, but it is possible.
If this checks out, you need to talk to your husband about it. We regularly have situations where H needs to choose between W and M, and this just might be the same thing flipped. Chances are that H can’t manage the house without you. H may have to make this very clear to FIL. What FIL’s other children might do is really not the issue for you to worry about.
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