Our caregiver has been canceling on my mom very frequently. Usually with about 5 minutes notice. I’ve been working tirelessly to find a new one, someone as a backup, everything I can, but I’m getting the “we don’t have anyone interested in coming to your area.” So after me filling in for 9 hours with my mom yesterday, she just flat out said, “Can’t YOU just do it?” I told her how it’s not possible. I told her no. Then the guilt trips and tantrums started. She is toxic and I don’t know how I survived yesterday but I did. She doesn’t want to pay for care, that’s the long short of it. Especially when, “you work from home all day why can’t you?” Probably because I’d get nothing done with the 500 times she calls my name. I should add I do not live with her. Never will. Childhood was enough.
Interested in your insight on how you’ve handled this issue, if you have. It’s an old tired argument I know, but I’m looking for positive ways to cope. I’ll get through it. Just want to hear some thoughts out there. I’m firm on the no. She doesn’t think I am.
Set it as a boundary and let her know what you are going to do and do it. She will figure it out. Also, do not answer her phone calls for the rest of the day.
I had to do this with my mother to avoid her verbal abuse.
Good Luck!
I'm also asking because people with dementia can no longer use their former abilities of reason and logic and compassion when engaged with others. Therefore, you will constantly fall into the trap of interacting with her as if she still has these abilities, and you have an expectation that will go unmet every time, which is utterly exhausting for you.
Since it's the summer, have you considered hiring a college student to act as a distraction and companion to her? Take her out of the house on errands, or just a scenic drive, etc. Sometimes nursing students are good candidates for this type of work.
Have you contacted the county to see if your mom qualifies for any in-home services? Is there an adult day care in your area? Sometimes churches have such programs.
There is an extreme labor shortage right now with no end in sight because of consistently low birth rates and a broken immigration system. You will need to dig deep to get the appropriate help you both need.
Do you have purposeful activities for her to do at hand, like fold laundry (even if it's not real laundry), cut/chop vegetables, sort things, etc.? I give my 100-yr old aunt a stack of the same kitchen towels to fold several times a day. She has memory loss so she is almost always happy to do it.
Have you talked to her doctor about anti-anxiety meds? This may help her Shadowing behavior. I'm so sorry you're going through this solo... others from the forum will have good support and tips for you!
She is immobile , not able to walk, so she is stuck. Trying to even get her to a doctor is impossible so they come to her. I ask her if she’d like an art project or something brought in to her. Always no.
I’ll keep trying. That’s all I can do.
"Well I'll just have to wait."
Interesting how when it's of benefit, all of a sudden this patience and understanding comes in. I'm not fool enough to think that "just having to wait" isn't going to end in a screamdown of the century.
My mother is now in a care facility as there is no way she could live at home but if not, I would be clear that I can only help on weekends. Depending on her condition and level of care needed, she will either need to pay for care immediately or move into a facility that can support her needs. If you are clear you will only come one day a week for a set number of hours, the situation will have to resolve itself.
Today was an even more abusive day. She tried to make me feel guilty for going home and resting from all the stress of trying to find a new caregiver and trying to align doctor appointments and order groceries and all of it. “Oh yeah, go home, that’s what you SHOULD do.” Completely dripping with sarcasm.
”Yes thank you I’m glad you agree, everyone told me I need to.” I thought she was going to need more medication with the hissy fit she was experiencing.
Great. She arranges her own care needs. You visit as an adult offspring. When convenient for you both, not in work time, obviously.
Or, Q2: does Mom live alone, DEpendantly? Then she's in a bit of a pickle when caregivers cancel or no-show, isn't she?
If she can be safely left alone ie toilet ok, fetch drinks & snacks, use a phone to call for help in an emergency - good. (Don't need to be able to cook a three course dinner or do the ironing.. Cereal for dinner won't kill someone, nor missing a shower for a day or two).
But if she is UNSAFE alone, wanders, using the stove inappropriately, falling then it is time for a proper chat.
Without a caregiver, you are unsafe at home Mom. Therefore you will be need to move to where caregivers are more reliable. Into respite or permanent residental care.
What do you think?
Is this where you are?
You said you weren't going to do the dance anymore but here you are having to do the caretaking duties because you can't find someone to take care of her.
Obviously your mother is never going to agree to be placed so the question is how long are you going to do this?
How many more caregivers will have to quit or be a no show before you say enough is enough?
You have set some great boundaries but having to find a new caregiver, setup doctor appointments, get her groceries and do everything until you find a new caregiver is still you doing everything.
Your other option and one that sounds more like the better option would be to look for a facility that would be able to care for mom. Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing, Memory Care whatever the level of care that she would need. This way she would have someone that could be there 24/7. Your work would not be interrupted. Her care would be consistent.
If the calls that she makes to you are not urgent you could tell her that the only time you will answer your phone is from 12:00 to 1:00. All other calls will go to voicemail. You can install cameras so that IF something happens you would be aware of it.
If this is not acceptable to her tell her that the only other option is beginning the process of looking for a facility that will meet her needs.
And not sure if this has been answered before but ...Is mom a candidate for Adult Day Care? She would get picked up in the AM (most do transportation) she would get a snack, lunch and some activity and stimulation.
**Ok, saw your other post. Mom is bedridden. Is this a permanent situation or is she participating in rehab at home? If permanent then Adult Day Care would not be an option and at that point Skilled Nursing would be your only option. (most AL facilities will not accept a new resident that is not ambulatory)
I do have cameras and look in from time to time. That's how I know, "I've been doing my exercises," isn't true.
Yesterday a friend brought by a caregiver that she's had for herself and mom just thought she was the bees knees, this after me being on the phone all day with agency after agency, leaving web inquiries and blowing up my phone with their callbacks, but I was grateful at least that they were interested.
I wasn't happy with the caregiver, and for that I got a righteous telling off. So I ended it with "if you are safe and being cared for appropriately, this is your decision, but if it winds up in my lap again," and she cut me off with more screaming. And, 5 things to do before I left.
My sisters who live remote know what's going on and I am thankful that they are helping me with what they can. One of them is going to call her today and ask her what the hell's wrong with her, and I anxiously await that answer. I would definitely like to know.
I told her if this doesn't work out it was back to the SNF. She added some arm flailing with her response on that one. I promptly picked up my tote bag and left.
Your mother's behavior is very common with seniors and can be with handicapped people as well.
I've had a long experience (near 25 years) as an in-home caregiver. Elders and handicapped clients who expect and demand their families and hired caregivers be slaves to them. They expect to be waited on hand and foot even for something they can still do themselves independently. They believe there's nothing wrong with behaving any way they want to anyone they want and people are supposed to just supposed to smile and wait expectantly for their next demand. I don't think so. I never allowed a elderly or handicapped client to abuse me. They want to act up and behave abusively, I can't get my work done. So that means they stay in a soiled diaper or they go hungry. People often have to be forced to do for themselves. One thing I did with clients was I refused to spoon-feed them unless it was absolutely necessary. If one of mine could still get food into their mouth and hold a sippy cup, then they had to do it themselves. Sure, they'd make a mess and I'd clean it up. I would never take an independence away from someone because doing it for them is easier.
Here's how you handle your handicapped, senior brat mother.
First you tell her that you did not choose to become a nurse or a CNA and you do a different kind of work, so will not be providing for her care needs. There are actual CNA's and nurses who provide for a person's care needs as their job.
If she is willing to give up every independence she still has (and NOT calling you a hundred times a day is a form of independence) her only other option will be a nursing home.
Your mother also needs 24-hour live-in care if she's in a wheelchair and cannot toilet herself indepedently. That does not mean she is a helpless infant though. Can she get around her home in her wheelchair? If she can then there's no reason why she can't get herself something to eat from her kitchen (if it's set up properly) or fold her own laundry. Or watch tv, read a book, or do a craft project on her own.
Likely the caregiver keeps calling out because your mom is being abusive to her and if she's agency it's not worth it for what she gets. Your mother needs a caregiver who will be hard on her and make her do for herself where she can. One who will not tolerate her abuse. You'd be doing her a favor. It helps a handicapped person's self-esteem when they can do some things for themselves. It's hard but it's best.
Interview caregivers. Here's a tip. Don't hire one under 40 for your mother. You need an old-school caregiver who's had clients like your mother. You'll probably have to hire private though. Good luck.
hugs, burnt!! :)
For instance when she says "Can't YOU just do it" it is to laugh and say "Oh, hee hee, nooooooooo. I couldn't POSSIBLY". Then a sweet "Ta-tah, talk later" and hang up grinning.
You can't change a manipulator.
You CAN change yourself.
And you will find once you start doing this it becomes easier and easier until finally it becomes a kind of fun.
So it is on you to take care of your own mental health. If you need a few therapist sessions to learn the tricks of the trade, go for that.
I am so relieved you have said you will NEVER live with her, because that shows you already have your foot in the door to freedom; now the trick is to keep going.
I have had to set clear boundaries. I also now have in-home care 3-4 hours in the AM to handle soiled diapers and bathing, which are tough for me. It is hard to clean a grown woman who can barely move. In addition, I have hung a whiteboard calendar in her room with daily schedule so that we are all on the same page. It clearly states that she may not call me after 10am or before 8am, unless emergency. Now, when she calls me after hours I do not answer or when she hollers my name, I do not answer. A piece of paper dropped on the floor or an empty dish that needs to go to the kitchen is not an emergency, sorry. God bless all caregivers. I never imagined it would be such a demanding job.
Congratulations on your very good boundaries with your mother. Make sure you never back down on them.
It'll take some financial wrangling for sure, and when that starts to make me anxious (mom's finances) I keep telling myself, "She left the SNF for this." Of course she still tries to hook me in to coming over, and did so the other day when her caregiver piped up and said, "I can get that for you." Mom really hemmed and hawed about, "No my daughter can do it, my daughter can do it," and the caregiver just chimed right in and said, "Your daughter needs to rest today."
Mom didn't like that very much but I shrugged my shoulders and said, "The caregiver said so." And hung up.