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My mother suffered a stroke that left her paralyzed in 2020. Two years later, she is still paralyzed and unable to function independently, she requires support from myself and my sibling. My mother has always suffered from Bipolar Disorder and Depression and constantly takes it out on myself and my brother. As a child, my mother would hit me and criticize me every second she could. I'm spending so much of my life taking care of her currently and she still manages to treat me poorly and say hurtful things to me. It's exhausting to take care of someone who is always being rude and hurtful. She lacks empathy for her family and is constantly complaining that we are poor caregivers when we are doing so much for her. It's exhausting and becoming more difficult to mange.

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Welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this difficult position, caring for a paralyzed mother who's treating you in such an abusive fashion. I think now is a good time to look into placing her in a Skilled Nursing Facility for long term care under Medicaid if she's unable to pay privately. You can apply for Medicaid benefits for her in your state. Go to Medicaid.gov for information and to learn how to apply for coverage on behalf of your mother (for long term care in a nursing home). You can also ask for guidance from a Certified Elder Care attorney if you need help.

I think it's quite impossible to provide THIS level of in home care for a mother who was and is continuing to be abusive towards you. At 25 and suffering from compassion fatigue now, it may only continue to get worse as time goes by. It's very hard to care for a parent who's abusive in the first place, never mind under these circumstances where she's paralyzed. I think you've already gone above & beyond the call of duty caring for her for 2+ years. It's okay to say you've had enough and ask for help now. There's no shame in that, and in saying it requires a team of people working 24/7 to give your mother the level of care she requires.

Best of luck!
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Here's how to jump-start her acceptance to a NH (Nursing Home). The next time she is hospitalized, refuse to take her back home. Tell the Discharge Planner you cannot provide care for her. They will have to then find her a suitable placement.

Your wrote that your sibling also provides care. How does this work? Is she in her own home and one or the other of you is always there to take care of her?
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It's time to say enough is enough and get mom placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires.
If you are only 25, then your mom has to be pretty young as well, so there's probably realistically no reason that she can't be doing things for herself.
My husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48, which left him paralyzed on his right side, unable to walk, talk, read and write. With much therapy he learned how to walk again with a brace on his leg, and he learned how to do everything else with the use of only his left arm/hand. And even though his speech remained very limited, and he never could write again, he functioned very well for many years even worked a part time job at one point, and stayed by himself while I worked fulltime. And he remained paralyzed until his death at the age of 72.
Perhaps your mom needs more therapy as it sounds like she's taking advantage of you and your brother. No where is it written that a child has to take care of their parent(s) especially a parent that has been and continues to be abusive in anyway.
So please stop taking the abuse!!! You(and your brother)deserve SO much better! You and your brother need to present a united front and tell mom that you're no longer going to be her whipping posts.
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funkygrandma59 Aug 2022
And if I can add one more thing, if you and your brother continue to do for your mom, she will never have to learn to do these things for herself.
I'm thinking she is more than capable and is just using the 2 of you.

After my husband had his massive stroke, and went to rehab, the very first day I had brought him some of my mashed potatoes that he loved and was in the process of feeding them to him, when the nurse walked in and basically bit my head off for doing so. She told me that he was going to have to learn how to feed himself and as long as I continued to baby him, he would never learn.
I learned very quickly to let my husband try for himself before I jumped in to help him. It was a great lesson for me to learn. I'm hoping it's one you and your brother can learn as well.
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Correction is not was. She is still abusive to you. You can always stop taking care of her and allow the state to take over. You just have to do it. You deserve a life away from your mother.
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You find a residential care facility for her and her money covers the fees.
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I see my MIL one more fall away from being put in a NH. She screams at my DH that he just can't wait to put her away (and frankly, he does feel that way).

She abused this poor man (who is now over 70 himself) and is the only person who can make him feel like garbage. My heart breaks when I hear what she has done and said to him--even at his age.

She really has good reason to fear a placement that she'll hate, and he will put her in the nicest place he can find...not some rat hole.

When it happens, I just plan to be there for him, because her anger might just kill him. He is a still a wily little 4 yo to her, even though he's been supremely successful and a great asset to the world. Her hatred and nastiness is so ugly.

BUT--he won't do anything that would hurt her. She'll be furious, but it is what it is. She can afford the nicest place imaginable, but she'll hate it.

Truthfully, in our situation, there's NOTHING he can do to not make her angry, when the time comes to move her.
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Debbio Aug 2022
Thank you for posting this. I hold the same position in my family as your husband does in his. I can very much empathize with him. You are focusing on and doing the right things to be supportive for him. It is difficult for anyone—even siblings, and even "the special child in the family"—to understand the dynamics and the whos, whats, wheres, whys, and hows of them. Please keep up the good work in your marriage. 🙂
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Why are you doing this?

You will never get a thank you or even a deathbed “I really did love you”.

The “but it’s your mother!” does not apply when she wasn’t a mother to you at all. Birthing a child does not a mother make.
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You cannot give up your life for this woman. You need to find alternate care. You cannot do this forever. You need future earnings to get SS when you need it. If Mom has no money look at "in home" Medicaid and see if you can get an aide thru them. Children of abusers should never care for them.

As a member says, you may need to have a Jesus moment with Mom. COVID is here to stay need to get our lives back. I would have her re-evaluated for therapy. You can ask her doctor to order it. If therapy feels she can improve to the point of having some independence with a little help then you lay your cards down. Tell her she needs to improve because you are not going to be her caregiver for the rest of her life. You are not going to take her nastiness anymore either so she either improves or she will be placed in a facility she can afford.

Look up the "Grey Rock Method" you may be able to use it when dealing with her. Set Boundries. Do nothing for her she can do for herself no matter how long it takes her to accomplish the task. And when she gets started about you as caregivers, tell her you can always call APS and tell them you no longer can care for her and let them take over. Then the State takes care of her and you can wash ur hands. Walk away when she gets started. SHE NEEDS YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED HER. She needs to understand this.
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For me blood isn't a whole lot thicker than water.
I had wonderful parents. Had I had abusive parents I would have avoided then when I grew up, and would have left them in the hands of the state, which is where many good people WITHOUT CHILDREN at all end up.
That's just me. Many others feel differently. But people don't usually change. And there is nothing we can do to make them change. And to my mind we have our one life. We have two chances at family--the one we are born to and the one we create ourselves.
I wish you the very best and I am so sorry you are in this situation.
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Give it right back to her. You and your brother need to learn the following phrases:

'Shut the h*ll up nobody cares what you think.'

'Your abusive behavior will not be tolerated'. (Walk away and follow with a period of ignoring).

'We (you and your brother) do not have to help you or take care of you. If you drive us away with your abusive and berating behavior, you will have to go to a nursing home'.

I've been in homecare for a long time and am the sole caregiver to my mother who sunds very much like yours.
DO NOT tolerate her abuse for one second. When she acts up, you completely ignore her. Do not speak to her, do not help her, do not get something for her. Nothing.
One of my mother's favorite abusive passive/aggressive past-times was constantly complaining about every meal. This was a way to be snide and verbally abusive to me indirectly. One day she started up so I collected her plate without a word and threw it in the garbage. I had to do this a few times before she caught on that this would be the regular response from me. Ever been sent to bed with no supper as a punishment when you were a kid? Same thing.
She will either learn to keep her abusive behaviors to herself or she will have to be placed. Don't play her games and do not put up with her crap.
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Jhalldenton Aug 2022
Totally agree. In this case learn a few foul names and give them back to her. The abuse will stop.
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I simply would never, under any circumstance, provide hands on caregiving to anyone who’d been or continues to be abusive to me. Relative or not, mom or not. Because I don’t deserve that. And you don’t either. I can only hope you’ll see this clearly and stop trying, stop caring. Sadly, you’ll never get anything positive or affirming from her. I’m sorry you didn’t get the mom you needed. Please know you aren’t obligated to continue in this thankless task. Care for you, you matter
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
i agree with your approach.

unfortunately, many people are in a tricky position:

they don’t want the State to take over, because although the parent is abusive, they want the parent to get the best care possible and that won’t be possible if the State takes guardianship.

i have friends in many countries. in some countries, if the State takes over, your LO will get awful care. hence some of my friends kindly continue helping (whether the parent is at home or facility). and they continue to get abused, because every contact = abuse.
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Anybody who abuses caregivers does not deserve caregiving.
If you can walk away.
If not possible right away get some therapy to get over abuse.
Detaching, ignoring, saying no over and over and never ever explain yourself could be a good start.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
I agree, Evamar but even abusive people have to be taken care of. Criminals in prison get care.
Ignoring is a very effective coping mechanism. It works better than constantly saying no. Not explaining yourself or explaining yourself once, is also effective.
Therapy is always a good idea.
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HOW you care is a big umbrella question. Covers many things, starting with WHY are you involved?
-Do you want to maintain contact? Distant or a relationship?
-How do you manage your feelings? Keep yourself safe?
-What can/should/must you provide, to align with your own values, within your financies & within the law.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Beatty,

I read the first article and it's absolute crap. The person who wrote it was having a hard time because her mother who was in a nursing home was verbally abusive to her. Being able to walk away and leave it to the nursing home staff is very different than having to deal with the person yourself.
The 'Don't take it personally' really helps. Please. What a fool. This article really gives no advice at all other than get out of the situation and don't take it personally.
I'll tell you something about caregiver's being abused by their care recipients and I say it after almost 25 years of service in this industry.
Never let a care client ever get comfortable enough with you that they will feel free to lash out or behave abusively. Never allow abuse from an elderly parent or "loved one" to establish. Sometimes mom and dad have to be put in their place too. Even when there's dementia. The caregiver (even when they are the adult children) have to maintain control of the situation at all times. The same way parents have to with the kids. When they are not able to, that's when it's time for placement.
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i think it’s an excellent question, OP. i don’t know the answer.

i can tell you my strategy. eliminate as many problems as possible (delegate work where possible; solve admin problems now, so they don’t land on you later; make plans for emergencies)…

goal: to get your freedom back, and to be unavailable for abuse.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
@bundleofjoy,

I have a question. In your response to sp19690, you say that it's possible to have a great parents even if they were abusive.
No, it's not possible. I will tell you something about adults who were abused children. None ever remember the good times. Only the abuse because the abuse eclipses any good times there ever were.
I don't remember any good times from my childhood. Not a one. Especially holidays and birthdays. My mother always put on holidays and birthdays but they weren't worth the suffering she created around them.
An abusive parent can make sure their children have their basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing met. No parent gets points for doing what the law demands of them.
I'm truly interested in hearing how an abusive parent can also be a great parent because I cannot imagine how that can be.
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To answer your question simply - the best thing is NOT to do it!

Have a sit down with your sibling ASAP and let them know you are DONE and work on an alternate plan. Hired help at home or a nursing home. Either way she pays and you go back to your life.
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For your own mental health you should not be taking care of her.,
Skilled Nursing.
PLEASE let someone else care for her , someone that she has not hurt physically, emotionally.
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My situation is very similar but I am an only child. Prayer, faith and therapy as well as supportive husband and friends.
I do not think of my Mother as such, she truly never attempted to be a parent.
My view is simple, as if she were a relative that has no one else but do not put yourself in a position to cause emotional or financial harm to you, she certainly would not for you.
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VVinAshland Aug 2022
Hello BioMom... Yes, Yes, Yes to praying and faith!
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I'm double your age and I'm exhausted and one buckle away from a straight jacket after looking after my mother with Alzheimer's for 10 years 24/7.
The latter years I gave up my life to make sure she was cared for and was safe. My husband went to work, came home and let me lay down for an hour...that's been the past 3 years.
I was the one who got the abuse, nasty comments, eye rolls, saying she couldn't wait to get the F out of here. The sole carer. I had no respite as she wouldn't allow it.
Now she is in a nursing home being nasty to everyone in there. I called her on the phone, I got her nasty attitude and she tried to hang up on me but couldn't manage it, luckily I heard her tell the manager she didn't want the phone call, I was giving her abuse and calling her a f****r.
Oobviously not true but I'm glad I heard it as it lessons the guilt for me to walk away.
She was jealous when I got married a few years ago, she divorced when she was my age. I believe her nastiness is a mix of dementia and harboured resentment towards me over the years.
I'm now trying to heal and go forward with the life I deserve with my husband.
My advice to you is get away from this situation, you deserve peace in your own life. Just because they are our parents doesn't mean their life is more valuable or precious than ours.
One last thing, if ever a phrase makes me want to scream it's "caring for your loved one is a rewarding experience " NO it bloody well isn't - it's exhausting!
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
@Flashy,

This is after the fact because you ended up having to put your mother in a NH, but I'm going to say it for everyone else.
You say your mother would not allow any respite care services and refused to have anyone but you doing for her.
It wasn't her choice. So many people become enslaved in an abusive situation like you had because they make the mistake of allowing the elder to be in charge and make decisions. Family caregivers allow the abusive behavior and threat of tantrums to keep THEM in line and obedient to their elderly family member's demands.
That's not how it works. This is how caregiving works. It's done on the caregiver's terms, not the care recipient's.
The elder who refuses care because they only want a certain person to do it all should only get these choices.

-Do without care (depending on how much care they need)
-Placement in a managed care facility.

These are the only choices that should ever be given. I can't tell you how many elders I have had to tell that nothing gets a person a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.

You don't allow a needy elder with dementia be in charge of anything more than what they want for lunch and sometimes not even that.

Also, I can say from personal experience as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and a family elder caregiver for several years that I have never had a "rewarding" moment. Not on the job and not on the job at home.
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I can definately relate because I've been in a very similar situation for years. I encourage you to seek advise from folks in this forum, friends who appreciate what you are doing and Bible reading every day. At first it affected my wife and i very much. But, some support from kind folks (Not family, however) help us endure together. At times one might even feel abandoned. But, the case is that our loving Father respects what you and your son are doing (Ephesians 6:2,3). Don't let any negative feelings get in the way of doing good and giving an excellent example to your son and others who might even ill advise you (1 Peter 2:12). I can only share what helped me and my wife. Keeping in mind that Jehovah is quite aware of what we do (1 Peter 2:19). Stay strong
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
newworlds88,

Have you ever heard the saying:

'God helps those who help themselves'.

Reading the bible while still being submissive and tolerant of an elder's abuse (or anyone else's) does not help any situation.

I can't see how any God (of your choice)would be pleased by seeing human being submissive and tolerant of abuse by other human beings.
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Dear GonzalezM. God bless what you have been doing for a mother who has been taking her pain out on you all these years.

I have a couple of occasions in grammar school when I was molested by my father. Today, I am teaming with him to care for my mother who is in her 4th year of dementia.

When things get really hard, those memories surface like air bubbles under water. In my head I run through lots of "things" I could say that would hurt him...but I don't. We actually work well together, caring for my mom.

I cannot imagine being in a situation where I was still being abused as an adult and living under the roof with my abuser. I CAN understand how confusing this must be. It doesn't surprise me at all if there is still a tiny part of you that has been hoping you can win a tiny bit of your mother's love.

Maybe you need to exhaust every last effort to gain her love and approval before surrendering that hope.

My hope for you is that you begin to think about "life" beyond your mom. Like many others, I suggest you surrender your mom's care to professionals. I suspect it will be one of the hardest decisions you will make.

I pray you find freedom.
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Dupedwife Aug 2022
VVinAshland:

You were molested by your father and now you two get along? Strange, very strange! If I were in your shoes the molestation would have affected me greatly, but apparently you were fine with it. You father should have been brought up on charges for molesting you when you were in grammar school.
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In rare instances, the hurt and damage is too far overboard to salvage any kind of relationship, but I'm guessing you guys love your mom and this is not the case with you exactly, so you can try to "kill her with kindness" so to speak and over time she may or may not realize the pain she has caused and try to make it right.
She will be gone some day and when that day comes you'll look back and reflect on your relationship with her and some things you thought were serious before will seem insignificant when she's no longer there. Try your best to have a real heart to heart with her, and try often. Never give up on your mom (or any family member for that matter) so that no matter how it works out, YOU are not left with feelings of guilt over what could have been done differently. Best of luck
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Don't. Truly, don't. Whatever you're trying to prove is impossible…that by caring for her, you WERE in fact a good daughter, or that you're kinder than she was, etc. Just don't. If you live with her, notify social services that you'll be moving, or that you have to get her out of the home. And really f--- her, for hitting and abusing her child. She's evil. Don't let her steal anything more from you than she has already.
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If she has few financial resources, find out how to apply for Medicaid for her placement in a care facility.

If you or she have any money, hire outside care help until she can be moved to a facility. She may protest, but you can remind her she was not satisfied with your cate taking and you have found people who will do it better.
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I would not presume to advise what help you should or should not give your mother. However, I have given, given, given to my mother in various ways. She sees it and and acknowledges it, but at the same time will not let any PERCEIVED slight or hurtful remark pass. She is the most overly sensitive, unforgiving person I know. Recently, after I had spent several days working to help her in many ways and I thought things were going unusually well, she decided to bring up something I said over a year ago that hurt her feelings. It was something ridiculous and unwarranted, she had brought it up before and I had already apologized (though I had done NOTHING wrong). I stood in amazement and thought "This is what comes from not seeing the benefit of God's ways and Bible counsel". Forgiveness benefits the forgiver, without it we are never happy. That doesn't mean we excuse what they do or have done. Or mean we lie down and let people walk on us. But whatever we see in our loved ones that hurt us can serve as a reminder of what kind of people we want to be and take a lesson to not become like them and to work hard to cultivate the qualities we want to have in ourselves.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Learn2Cope,

Want to know how fast I would put your mother in her place if she was my mother or a care client of mine?

The speed of light. That's how fast her instigating (for something said more than a year ago), the snide remarks, the nasty comments, the passive/aggressive nonsense, and the over-sensitivity performances would get shut down by me. You should try it. Shut her down.
You need to stand up for yourself and stop tolerating this **. Cut her down. when she learns to behave herself and keep the snide comments and instigating in check, start helping her again.
As it is you should do absolutely nothing for her, and I mean do not lift a finger in her service. Not until she learns how to treat you with the respect you deserve.
No one has to tolerate this kind of behavior. If its source dementia-related use outside hired caregivers. If this is just "how mom is", put her in her place. If that doesn't help do nothing for her until her behavior towards you improves.
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She hates herself, not you. She’s projecting those feelings onto you. Understand it’s both a physical and mental medical condition that cannot be fixed. Self care. Step away for a few days, accept that you are doing the very best that you can, and in reality you can only change your reactions and not her actions. You did not say whether she is able to take medication regularly or if she has been diagnosed with any form of dementia. You obviously care about your mother or you wouldn’t be seeking support. Best of luck to you. It’s not easy, I get it.
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I’m am in a similar situation, however it was much easier for me to walk away as she was already in an assisted living facility when I finally said “no more”. She is in a very nice facility that she approved of and signed herself into. I had zero control over her finances and don’t even know what they look like. Within a week it was “a **** hole you put me in so you could steal my money”. After years of offering to buy her condos to be near me (I’m in FL, she’s in IN), telling her to be happy and move back
to England, etc but nothing being good enough this was the last option. She sold her house and was homeless. Her friends were running thin (being abusive to them as they were letting her couch serf with them). Last convo with her she started in on my children. That was enough for me. I consulted attorney and wrote the letters removing myself from point of contact for the nursing home and to her removing myself from someone to help her figure out what she needed to do. Then I blocked her number. 47 years of abuse came
to an end. I do deal with some guilt, but my family (especially my sister) is
helping me through it.

You deserve happiness. Just because it’s your mother doesn’t give her a free pass to abuse you continuously. ❤️❤️
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You’ve given caretaking a try, now allow yourself the grace to stop.

You don’t need any fancy excuses, “this isn’t working out for me” is enough.

You only have one life and you deserve happiness and peace.
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Is your Mom taking her meds for Bipolar/depression. If not, perhaps you can put all her meds in a pill organizer and add them. As you know this is the only real solution for bipolar behavioral issues. If she refuses to take the meds then tough love may be the only solution However, you must follow through on it.

If there are no meds you can try to tell her every time she speaks to you like that you are going to leave the room (and leave her as she is) or leave her house. You will be amazed at how quickly this works. The only problem is you must follow-up everytime and not go in if she starts yelling. As long as she is safe, you must leave as soon as she starts. Tell her ''I told you I'm going to leave every time you treat me meanly, so I'm leaving right now. I'll be back x." Then leave. (Do not return within a few minutes minutes/1 hours though.) I'm afraid there isn't much more to do other than to move her to Assisted Living. Good luck.
MOBrien, RN, CCM, GCM
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Every human being deserves to feel safe in their own life. Living with a person who is abusive for any reason is not a healthy choice. You mention that your mother has suffered from severe mental illness your entire life -- that is a terrible thing for her and may explain her failure to provide the love and care that you needed; however, no healthy parent would choose to place their child in the situation you are in now. In fact, it is up to you to parent yourself wisely through your own life. To do that, I think you are going to have to step away from the situation you are in right now.

Your profile states you are only 25 years old. You are so young that I fear this has fallen to you and your brother simply because you had the bad fortune to have still been living at home when your mother had her stroke. You do have a number of options, here, but the most important thing for you to understand before you choose any course is that the path you take MUST be your choice.

At 25 it is really important that you be working to develop your own life away from your family of origin. These are the (challenging, often painful and difficult in the best of circumstances but also incredibly rewarding) years where you will learn how to care for yourself for the rest of your life. What you learn during this time will also prepare you to care for others.

One very valid choice would be for you to choose to stop providing caregiving duties for your mother. You will need a plan to support yourself and to live outside of your mother's home. If you have a support system of your own, let them know of your choice. Speak to your mother's doctors or to her closest family member (her partner, if one is in the picture, or another member of her immediate family) to simply inform them that you will no longer be providing caregiving duties as of X date.

There may be multiple other options, depending on your mother's financial situation, that would allow you to step away immediately.

I wish you brighter days and space to grow in a nurturing environment where your focus on caregiving is -- and deservedly so -- yourself.
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Angelica357 Aug 2022
Forgive your mother so you can move on and focus on your life! find your happiness!
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