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I've been through this. It's awful - but you are doing the right thing. Stick to your guns on this! In my case, elder lacked the ability to even get TO the car - let alone get in it (without falling). She, of course, felt she should be allowed to "try" driving. But with her cognitive status and a zillion co-morbidities... Physically, even if she managed to get to the car, I am as certain as I can be that she would not have remembered how to start it and back out of the drive safely, etc. Even when she was "well" she had been in a couple of suspicious fender benders - of course those were never her fault. Right. I was fortunate that neuro doc did not even give her a chance to ask about driving. He told her to forget it. In my area, elders can take a safe driving course. But doc even said he would not even recommend the course for her. Just no more driving. Thank goodness!! It was nice to have that support of the doctor.
What I did was try to replace this loss with rides from trusted family, friends, neighbors and church members. I did need to do the coordinating, but I also gave the drivers gc's to their favorite places to eat, enough to cover both their meals. This way the outing was also a social event. This still works well.
Dear "Geaton777," - what a good idea as well as a nice gesture giving the drivers gift cards to their favorite places and making it a social event. I'm glad that worked out for you with your mom's situation and still continues to work well.
I have been in your shoes and it isn't pleasant I know. My mom has always loved to drive throughout her whole life. She was always tooling around somewhere. Around 2013, she began to get lost frequently even to the point she was supposed to meet me for lunch after we both left the same place in our own cars. She never did show up and I had called her all afternoon until she finally answered around 5 p.m.
Another incident happened with a family friend who told me this a year or so after the fact. My mom ran a red light with her friend in the car. The friend told her five adult children and they said they never wanted my mom to drive her anywhere. When they did go out together, the friend did the driving. Whenever I was with her since my dad died in 2004, I always did the driving. When my husband and I went to my mom's house, he happened to find a speeding ticket laying around. From what I gather she paid it on the spot.
Finally, in 2014 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. One of her siblings had her take a trip to where she lived for three months while I took care of some things down here. I figured when she returned that it would be a good time to take away her car keys. I knew it was going to be awful and it was. No matter how I tried to explain that I didn't want her to kill or injure herself and/or others as well as I didn't want her to feel guilty and I certainly didn't want to feel guilty either. I asked her for her keys as well as any spare sets. I still wasn't sure if she gave all of them to me so I put a steering wheel lock on and took the key home with me. When I would go over there for a visit, I unlocked it and I drove her wherever we were going and then before I left put it back on. My husband still thinks she never forgave us for doing that and she hung onto it for at least three years.
She is no longer able to walk and is on hospice in a new facility in their memory care unit so she is long past the driving issue. I had sold her car in 2015 to some friends of ours.
You will have to learn to turn a deaf ear. Every time my mom would bring it up, she would be upset and each time I explained why she shouldn't be driving to the point I sounded like a broken record. I know she probably told her siblings and I was probably made out to be the bad guy but the alternative would be something horrible happens that I'd have to live with the rest of my life. There may even have been some liability on my part if I knowingly let her drive with an Alzheimer's diagnosis. No way was that going to happen to me. I had a moral obligation. I'll take the anger over that any day. Trust me - this will pass in time as your mom's disease progresses and it will be long forgotten!
If possible get the car away from the house. Fib a little. Car broke down, towed to the dealer, part hasn’t come in yet etc. it’s better if she doesn’t see the car all the time.
If you have legal rights to do so sell the car at market value and put the money in moms account.
My dad was looking for his car for 2 years after he went into care. It was a battle. I quit trying to explain, he would never accept that he had dementia and wasn’t safe. So, fib, divert, fib some more, just tried to keep him calm.
I think the two hardest elder issues are taking the car and getting elders into care.
You simply tell her that she is no longer able to drive as she constitutes a danger to herself and others, and say it gently, and tell her that this is a big life change that is very difficult for her and you understand that, and are so very sorry. Repeat that until she tires of it. It is a fact. It is worth raging and fury and grief over the fact that at the end of life every single thing is taken from us one thing at a time, and in the end, dignity and choice go as well. It is worth the grief and anger. But it is NOT your fault. Sympathize with her. And tell her there is nothing in your power to do about it. Don't argue. No one really wins and argument.
You've taken your mother's property. Did you think she'd be grateful?
I'm not saying you were wrong to take the keys, although there might have been subtler ways to stop her driving if you are correct that she is no longer able to do so safely. But what did you expect?
How does your mother get about now she no longer has access to a car?
Subtler way? What would that be? With dementia I am hard-pressed to even think of a subtler way to accomplish this. Fibs, maybe, but if they don't remember them, they are only going to remember the car and that it is gone, at least for a while, so it will be rough going for a bit. Seems like perhaps it is best to just make it disappear without any discussion and keep saying it's in the shop for repairs, until they hopefully forget about it.
I was the one who brought up the need to take the car before she kills herself or someone else, and I was there during the "chat" YB had with mom. She looked like a 5 yo who got caught in the cookie jar. He was nice. He was gentle. He explained all that blah blah blah, but basically it was in one ear and gone shortly after (dementia.) I just stood behind him and said NOTHING. On the way out, I suggested disabling it, as I was sure she had another key. He disconnected the battery.
Next day, who gets the NASTY phone call about taking her key? Me of course! I told her I didn't touch her key, which was the truth. When she asked who did, I just told her you're so smart, you figure it out. Day 2, she calls me again, even NASTIER, demanding I get down there and fix whatever I did to her car. So, there WAS another key and she managed to find it. I told her I didn't touch her car, which was the truth again. I only suggested disabling it. She asked what's wrong with it then. Only then did I have to fib, saying I'm not a mechanic, I have no idea! That, thankfully, was sufficient. At some point, we took it away, to my mechanic and got it sold. The money for it was put into her account.
At some point she understood we took the car, but then it became more like begging, saying she doesn't go far and whining about losing her "wheels". The only thing I said about it was I didn't care if she went 2 feet - if you hit someone, they will sue you and you will lose EVERYTHING!
Later that morphed into her saying the worst thing she did was give up her "wheels", as if!
So, certainly there was no expectation for her to be grateful, but to be SO nasty AND to blame it all on the one who said nothing, didn't touch the key and did nothing... This was one reason I deferred to the bros to do the actual move to MC later - I did 99% of the legwork to find a place, get ready for the move and have all documents in place. I figured if I wasn't part of the move, not even in the background, then perhaps I wouldn't get the blame. Not sure how it worked, but although I half expected to get blamed anyway, she never did blame me or ask me to take her back - she saved that for YB when he visited.
You did the right thing taking the car keys away. It's tough to handle but you can't let someone be a danger to themselves and others on the road. I think you and your family are probably just going to have to suck it up when she starts on about it. There's not much you can do. Everyone here had good ideas like getting people to give her rides and take her places because that will help. Ultimately, you'll just have to out up with her complaining and berating you about it.
I think 95% of elders who get keys taken away are mad about it. And stay mad for a long time! It has to be done, but it's hard.
It may help if you go with Mom to her next doctor's appointment and mention about the driving beforehand. Doctor can then mention it to Mom. Sometimes elders take the no-driving news much better from doctors than their adult children.
My grandfather was getting macular degeneration and early stage dementia. His car was getting the dents and dings from his trips to the grocery store, and we knew we'd have to take the keys and he would NOT be happy. My mom went with him to an ophthalmologist appointment. Without my mom even prompting the doctor, he told grandfather kindly but firmly that he could not drive anymore. To our surprise, he accepted the doctor's words and never drove again. I think if we'd tried to take them on our own, he'd have put up a huge fight.
For mom, first the back of the driver mirror was gone. Oh, it was there the last time I drove it! Sure it was. Next was a call for help to fix a flat tire. I brought my tire pump, and then just gaped at the mess! Tire was split from rim to ground, the rim was damaged, the metal around the wheel well was half off and bent and the rear tire had some damage too! Geez mom, what did you hit? Nothing. I had to use my AAA to get it to mechanic, replace the rims and tires. Oi! It also developed white stripes on both front fenders, from scraping the garage trim.
Last thing a 90+ yo with mac deg, hearing loss and early dementia needs is an 8-cylinder behemoth!
We had the doctor talk to her and he told her she had to turn her keys over. He said it was his and her family’s responsibility to keep her and others safe. We gave her car to a grandson who needed one for college. It was 8 years ago and she still complains about it
I’m currently going through the same thing. I don’t think my father will ever will forgive me. With his dementia he doesn’t reason well so I’m not really sure he can forgive. I really hate to be the “bad guy” daughter but I’m the one who chose to take care of him. My sister didn’t want him. He just loves her, his other daughter, who lives out of state and didn’t have to take away his independence. It’s funny, he calls her and tells her what terrible things I’ve done to him (Like report his driving) and she says I’m so sorry dad you have to go through that. I guess I didn’t realize how difficult care giving would be. Of course If I let him do whatever he pleases I’m sure he would view me the same way as my sister but I have to keep him safe and do what’s right (I took a screen shot of the answers on this thread, great advice). Best wishes to you
Just like a kid! Mom/Dad are so mean they won't let me do anything or have this or go there.... But Aunty (or granny) lets me do/have all these things! They are nice!!! Mom/Dad are not nice! I'm telling Aunty (or granny) all these terrible things they do!
It is a thankless job, and in general the person they interact with most is the one who gets all the crap!
From your profile: "My 81 year old mother has dementia. She lives in Florida with my sister ,who has mental issues.,but does what she can for my mother. I live in jersey,going to move to moms house in the near future."
So it's your sister who is bearing the brunt of your mother's nasty and threatening behavior? Has she become your mother's driver? How is it going for your sister living with your mother? And are you also going to move in in the near future? (Are you sure this is a wise idea?)
My mother can barely ambulate, handle keys, get in or out of a car, and has dementia and she still wants to drive. And she’s mad as a hornet. There is no easy way around the impact. There is no reasoning with her about anything, and she wouldn’t listen to a doctor either. Just know you did the right thing.
Good responses here. Actually my Dad's car was removed first as he stayed with me for a bit and I didn't bring it back. He was asking and getting annoyed. Different though as he was pulled over in fog probably disoriented and officer helped him home but also sent a report to MVA - worst thing I had to deal with. Ton of paperwork and doc appointments. He the took driving test 3 times. Then we hired the personal eval that came to home and took him out and no go. Dad had a great record and was a pretty good driver but not good enough for passing the test and backing in to a parking spot and turning head all the way back at a yield sign. They suspended his licence.
You can report another driver to motor vehicle but the paperwork and anguish this causes. Dad was 87 I believe. I had his cousin call him to calm him down when I told him I wasn't bringing the car back. This was now a legal issue - suspended license and if he drove and something happened - he or I could have been sued.
I told him that the state didn't want drivers over 85 driving. Of course I then had to begin driving him where he needed to go. He was very upset and kept asking and asking for his car - terrible. I truly believe this stress and and anguish advanced his cognitive abilities. He just started to go downhill more. He also focused on this for a couple of years. It tore me up.
Involving some friends to help explain may help. Doc/Nurse is another option. That's when communities with golf carts help but if dementia involved the driver could end up on a road versus the neighborhood. Try to keen reinforcing it was done for her safety and the care you have for her. Highlight the positives such as saving $ on car insurance, gas and maintenance - if you sell the car. Sometimes keeping the car can be ok as they see it but then I wonder if more frustrating that they see but can't drive. Tough one. Accept she may just stay mad for a while.
Wondering if local senior centers have seminars about this issue geared to the senior and family - they should - someone could incorporate humor into it but enforce it was done for their safety and to remove the stress of family worry.
wondering about golf carts, do you know if there are any rules about this ? I would think a golf cart is still a murder weapon on wheels for pedestrians. I drive one and love it, much easier than a car, but not sure I would want Mom behind the wheel (and brake!).
I wouldn't have told her that you took the car & keys. That is asking for a nasty fight. I would have said the keys got lost and haven't been found. We looked and looked remember? Or better yet say the car broke down. Wont start. Can say you dont have the money to get it fixed right now. The taxes were do and that took all the money. Something like that. If she has dementia how does she keep remembering this unless you keep telling her you took the keys? Of course there is going to be a fight. Every time.
Then try to redirect the conversation to something else. Do not bring up you took the keys. There is no point in being brutally honest unless you like the fighting.
It takes the onus off of you. If she is forgetful you can try to say that. Never bring up you took they keys.
Thank you for responding,Jasmine . I agree with everything you said, and usually that’s how I would play it out. My mom thinks her grandson,who lives close by ,takes everything , even though he doesn’t come by much anymore. He borrowed her car a few times ,and gives us her keys back. We tell her ,he gave them back,where did you put them ,? I tell mom,I have a set and you have a set of keys,you have to find yours. She goes crazy,and just wants to go food shopping,. We get the food delivered to her because of the pandemic,she thinks she just drove 2 weeks ago and it’s been since February when she had a mini stroke.
Blame the Doctor. Or the licencing authority. Only natural to feel angry - doesn't mean you or sister have to wear it though. Empathise & dodge would be my tactic.
"The Doctor said you are not allowed to drive anymore. That IS tough". Add sympathetic face. Leave room pronto.
That will start a fight. No one wants to be told your too old. You can't mentally handle driving. That will turn into a meltdown. You just insulted them albeit you didn't mean to. But saying the car won't start. We don't have the $ to get it fixed. For most of us, saying there is no money; people understand that. No fighting. No hurt feelings. No one blamed.
I am going through this same exact thing you are going through with car keys. It was suggested assistant rides, friends and neighbors for car rides she may need. However, for me this did not work as my Aunt with severe Dementia feels she can still drive. It was suggested by her Doctor to take the car some where or sell it. I felt this would have outrage her even more. What I did find out is to stick with it, do not let your Mom drive, take the hits of verbal abuse, know it's the Dementia, and when she gets use to the new routine you are putting your Mom on, that anger will subside. My Aunt is more calm now, but it did take several months to get here. If you do not want to hear the nasty words coming out of your Mom's mouth, which I know hurts, leave and go to another room. I found they stops arguing when they see no one is around to argue with.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Houston. Hopefully, Haircraft knows fully well now that they are not alone, and that it's rare that this situation ever goes otherwise! So far, I've not seen a single post from anyone telling that they had a smooth experience with this.
It all depends on how far her dementia has taken hold. We decided to fudge the truth because our Mom was extremely upset.
We told our Mom that she voluntarily and wisely gave up driving because she was worried about her own driving. We applauded her courage and wisdom, and concern for others. We made her a hero.
Amazingly, she would occasionally bring up that no one had to take it away from her at first. She was proud that she was wise enough to know when it was time to stop driving on her own...
We also secretly sold her car. She never asked where the money went, but if she asked, we'd lie about that, too. We learned to tell white lies about a lot of things as her dementia depended, and she was fine with it. Telling her the truth simply made her sad and depressed.
We also got rid of all pictures of her around her car. Seeing those pictures agitated her and made her sad, too.
Only choice is to Mom stop driving and hear her rants. No way allow her to drive, rants or not, as it is too dangerous!! Mom can also get sued if anyone is injured or killed. All her assets may also be lost and affected family may suffer such losses.
My mom failed two simulated driving tests that the dementia doctors gave her. The problem is that in the state of Indiana they are not required to contact the BMV and report her. Sooooo, I wrote a letter to the BMV and told them my mom had been diagnosed with dementia, failed two simulated driving tests and had gotten lost a couple of times and that she should not be driving and I asked them to contact her and at the very minimum test her. They sent a letter telling her that she had 30 days to come into the BMV for testing or her license would be suspended. She didn't even know where the BMV was or how to get to one, so that ended that. I explained that it is dangerous to others and that her disease had affected her reaction time. I asked her if she could live with herself if she killed a child. All of this kind of shifted the blame to the doctors, the bmv, and her disease... not me directly. I then took the keys and sold the car. It was a sore subject for a while, but many other issues move to the forefront with this disease and the car is now a long lost argument.
Although I told my mom she shouldn't be driving many times, it took her falling asleep in a church parking lot and the priest finding her. He brought her home. God was watching over her. Next time we were together the priest said to both of us that she should not be driving. That was all she needed to hear. She was fine with that advice. She kept here car and I drove her anywhere she wanted to go in her car. It was hers and I think that helped her.
I told my Husband that the medication he was on had a restriction for driving, going on ladders, or using other equipment. I did have to hide the car keys. I did get rid of our other car, I told him it was in the shop for repairs. He did manage to find my keys 2 times and he did drive off. The second time he was gone for 13 hours the police issued an alert and the police found him in the state north of us. Very frightening and I/we were very lucky! I did pretty much "lock down" the house after that. Got keyed on the inside locks and wore keys around my neck for 2 years. Changed the inside garage door opener to one that needed a code to open the door just like you do for the outside opener. Had him fitted with a tracking device the police and County have so they can more easily track vulnerable individuals that happen to wander away from their home.
While it wouldn't help the door locks and garage door, for a car it is fairly easy and inexpensive (comparably to repairs!) to have a kill switch installed, or use the bar made for the steering wheel. Wearing the keys would probably work 99% of the time, but if you take it off at night or in the shower... oops. You and he were SO lucky he just got lost!
Well it is another difficult experience like so many, one after the other to deal with. Now with some time from caring for my mom I can sometimes say, I should have done this or I could have done that, an exercise in futility. We can only do what we can and know at the time. It took me so long to get it into my head that mom was in decline, she also was good at appearing 100% leaving me totally gaslighted. So I would say to you, can you imagine how you would feel if I your car keys were taken, it is like your last hope of independence. When I moved to Ireland 2012 I had to give up my car, still do not have one for ridiculous reasons of Irish law, anyhow, I got used to it and focused on no insurance, car repairs etc. Perhaps you can give mom keys that are not to her car, and disable if possible her car starter if car is still there. My mother would insist on a handbag with money in it, and cds and a screw driver lol, so I gave her a wallet with a few bucks, she was happy. It is often enough to have semblace of normality and control for them good luck
At a doctor appointment that I took mom to, I asked the doctor to settle the issue. Mom still blames me because I asked the question. I'm irritated at her previous doctor who wouldn't address the issue after her stroke that left deficits. Sometimes her mobility scooter driving is questionable.
We removed the car and told our mother that her Audi was in shop for repairs. She would ask about it from time to time. Told her parts hard to get! Eventually she forgot("out of sight and out of mind")! I worked with dementia clients for over 25 years. Driving is a big issue. I remember some Memory Care residents insisting that cars they saw in facility parking lot were theirs! Took lots of distraction and redirection to change their focus!
I do think if there is any way to remove the car when they are occupied elsewhere and then use various excuses for it's delayed return is best! Details are in another comment, but basically my YB had the talk and took the key, while I remained mute and on leaving suggested disabling it, as I was sure there was another key. I got the blame for taking the key and then the blame for why it isn't working when she found the other key! It would have been better maybe to disable it first, then get it towed to get it "fixed" and keep brushing off the delay!
This method doesn't often work for some men (and possibly handy women.) They might still have enough old memories to check for things like the battery!
I also agree with the out of sight, out of mind... it may take a while, but generally the memory does eventually fade. A visual reminder would certainly queue up the NEED to take it for a drive! Mom droned on often about having lost her "wheels", but eventually that became the mistake SHE made (giving it up, which she didn't!) and later it just drifted from memory.
Ouch! We couldn't do it, had to wait until a medical team delivered that news. My mom drove until age 92, and I worried about her safety and the safety of the public. You did the right thing.
I would suggest one of the following.
1. Uber, IF she is able to manage the phone app, and I know that's not so easy. 2. Whatever the insurance and gas was costing, use that amount to hire a local driver or van company, or a local taxi service. Explain to them that whenever mom calls, the bill gets subtracted from the amount you put in. She might get to feel like a queen if she has a driver.
Either of these will give back some of her independence, and there may be other creative solutions.
Same with my LO. He got a second ticket for disorderly conduct and the police came to the door. I took away his keys at that point. The car is actually registered to me and he was on my insurance. The police were clear that if he got into an accident I may be partially liable, so there is that consideration, too.
But not a day goes by that I am not accused of being evil for taking away his car and threatening to call a lawyer. Because I am temporarily working from home I am flexible enough to bring him where he needs to be but a lot of times not on the schedule he wants. Then it's all ranting and raving and swears at me. I just want this to stop.
Is it still the same car? If so, is there any chance you could sell it and buy something else? At least then it wouldn't be the one he had and was driving...
You can have her PCP prescribe a driving evaluation. There is probably a rehab in your area that does this. The cost in my area was $350. What this does is take the burden off of you, and puts it into the hands of the "professionals." You are not the bad guy. If your mom passes, she can drive. If she doesn't, the rehab gives her 30 days to turn in her license. For the test, they will take her out in a car, and test her driving abilities. They will also take her to a store, have her park the car, and go into the store, spend some time, and have her find her car again. My dad failed on 14 counts. Best $350 ever spent.
Great if you can get one of the doctors to do this. My experience is that none of them wanted to get involved in it (and reading other threads on this topic, this isn't unusual!)
Even funnier, reading on the DMV for her state, it says the person should self-report! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyone who has dementia is NOT going to self-report. In their mind, they are fine, just as they were many years ago, and this reporting will not happen!
When my mother was mid-stage Alzheimer's my brother moved my mother's vehicle to his home so she wouldn't be reminded of driving every time she went into the garage. We told her that she let my nephew borrow her car because his was in the shop and they had to order parts and he didn't have a way to and from work. She accepted that excuse for 3 years, the only thing she ever said and when she asked we gave her the same excuse and she would always say "well it sure is taking a long time" and we told her since it was a foreign car it just takes longer to get the parts. There was never any arguments, she just excepted the explanation.
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Her anger is really directed at aging and loss of independence not at you.
I have been in your shoes and it isn't pleasant I know. My mom has always loved to drive throughout her whole life. She was always tooling around somewhere. Around 2013, she began to get lost frequently even to the point she was supposed to meet me for lunch after we both left the same place in our own cars. She never did show up and I had called her all afternoon until she finally answered around 5 p.m.
Another incident happened with a family friend who told me this a year or so after the fact. My mom ran a red light with her friend in the car. The friend told her five adult children and they said they never wanted my mom to drive her anywhere. When they did go out together, the friend did the driving. Whenever I was with her since my dad died in 2004, I always did the driving. When my husband and I went to my mom's house, he happened to find a speeding ticket laying around. From what I gather she paid it on the spot.
Finally, in 2014 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. One of her siblings had her take a trip to where she lived for three months while I took care of some things down here. I figured when she returned that it would be a good time to take away her car keys. I knew it was going to be awful and it was. No matter how I tried to explain that I didn't want her to kill or injure herself and/or others as well as I didn't want her to feel guilty and I certainly didn't want to feel guilty either. I asked her for her keys as well as any spare sets. I still wasn't sure if she gave all of them to me so I put a steering wheel lock on and took the key home with me. When I would go over there for a visit, I unlocked it and I drove her wherever we were going and then before I left put it back on. My husband still thinks she never forgave us for doing that and she hung onto it for at least three years.
She is no longer able to walk and is on hospice in a new facility in their memory care unit so she is long past the driving issue. I had sold her car in 2015 to some friends of ours.
You will have to learn to turn a deaf ear. Every time my mom would bring it up, she would be upset and each time I explained why she shouldn't be driving to the point I sounded like a broken record. I know she probably told her siblings and I was probably made out to be the bad guy but the alternative would be something horrible happens that I'd have to live with the rest of my life. There may even have been some liability on my part if I knowingly let her drive with an Alzheimer's diagnosis. No way was that going to happen to me. I had a moral obligation. I'll take the anger over that any day. Trust me - this will pass in time as your mom's disease progresses and it will be long forgotten!
If you have legal rights to do so sell the car at market value and put the money in moms account.
My dad was looking for his car for 2 years after he went into care. It was a battle. I quit trying to explain, he would never accept that he had dementia and wasn’t safe. So, fib, divert, fib some more, just tried to keep him calm.
I think the two hardest elder issues are taking the car and getting elders into care.
I'm not saying you were wrong to take the keys, although there might have been subtler ways to stop her driving if you are correct that she is no longer able to do so safely. But what did you expect?
How does your mother get about now she no longer has access to a car?
I was the one who brought up the need to take the car before she kills herself or someone else, and I was there during the "chat" YB had with mom. She looked like a 5 yo who got caught in the cookie jar. He was nice. He was gentle. He explained all that blah blah blah, but basically it was in one ear and gone shortly after (dementia.) I just stood behind him and said NOTHING. On the way out, I suggested disabling it, as I was sure she had another key. He disconnected the battery.
Next day, who gets the NASTY phone call about taking her key? Me of course! I told her I didn't touch her key, which was the truth. When she asked who did, I just told her you're so smart, you figure it out. Day 2, she calls me again, even NASTIER, demanding I get down there and fix whatever I did to her car. So, there WAS another key and she managed to find it. I told her I didn't touch her car, which was the truth again. I only suggested disabling it. She asked what's wrong with it then. Only then did I have to fib, saying I'm not a mechanic, I have no idea! That, thankfully, was sufficient. At some point, we took it away, to my mechanic and got it sold. The money for it was put into her account.
At some point she understood we took the car, but then it became more like begging, saying she doesn't go far and whining about losing her "wheels". The only thing I said about it was I didn't care if she went 2 feet - if you hit someone, they will sue you and you will lose EVERYTHING!
Later that morphed into her saying the worst thing she did was give up her "wheels", as if!
So, certainly there was no expectation for her to be grateful, but to be SO nasty AND to blame it all on the one who said nothing, didn't touch the key and did nothing... This was one reason I deferred to the bros to do the actual move to MC later - I did 99% of the legwork to find a place, get ready for the move and have all documents in place. I figured if I wasn't part of the move, not even in the background, then perhaps I wouldn't get the blame. Not sure how it worked, but although I half expected to get blamed anyway, she never did blame me or ask me to take her back - she saved that for YB when he visited.
It may help if you go with Mom to her next doctor's appointment and mention about the driving beforehand. Doctor can then mention it to Mom. Sometimes elders take the no-driving news much better from doctors than their adult children.
My grandfather was getting macular degeneration and early stage dementia. His car was getting the dents and dings from his trips to the grocery store, and we knew we'd have to take the keys and he would NOT be happy. My mom went with him to an ophthalmologist appointment. Without my mom even prompting the doctor, he told grandfather kindly but firmly that he could not drive anymore. To our surprise, he accepted the doctor's words and never drove again. I think if we'd tried to take them on our own, he'd have put up a huge fight.
For mom, first the back of the driver mirror was gone. Oh, it was there the last time I drove it! Sure it was. Next was a call for help to fix a flat tire. I brought my tire pump, and then just gaped at the mess! Tire was split from rim to ground, the rim was damaged, the metal around the wheel well was half off and bent and the rear tire had some damage too! Geez mom, what did you hit? Nothing. I had to use my AAA to get it to mechanic, replace the rims and tires. Oi! It also developed white stripes on both front fenders, from scraping the garage trim.
Last thing a 90+ yo with mac deg, hearing loss and early dementia needs is an 8-cylinder behemoth!
It is a thankless job, and in general the person they interact with most is the one who gets all the crap!
So it's your sister who is bearing the brunt of your mother's nasty and threatening behavior? Has she become your mother's driver? How is it going for your sister living with your mother? And are you also going to move in in the near future? (Are you sure this is a wise idea?)
You can report another driver to motor vehicle but the paperwork and anguish this causes. Dad was 87 I believe. I had his cousin call him to calm him down when I told him I wasn't bringing the car back. This was now a legal issue - suspended license and if he drove and something happened - he or I could have been sued.
I told him that the state didn't want drivers over 85 driving. Of course I then had to begin driving him where he needed to go. He was very upset and kept asking and asking for his car - terrible. I truly believe this stress and and anguish advanced his cognitive abilities. He just started to go downhill more. He also focused on this for a couple of years. It tore me up.
Involving some friends to help explain may help. Doc/Nurse is another option. That's when communities with golf carts help but if dementia involved the driver could end up on a road versus the neighborhood. Try to keen reinforcing it was done for her safety and the care you have for her. Highlight the positives such as saving $ on car insurance, gas and maintenance - if you sell the car. Sometimes keeping the car can be ok as they see it but then I wonder if more frustrating that they see but can't drive. Tough one. Accept she may just stay mad for a while.
Wondering if local senior centers have seminars about this issue geared to the senior and family - they should - someone could incorporate humor into it but enforce it was done for their safety and to remove the stress of family worry.
Best of luck to you
Or better yet say the car broke down. Wont start. Can say you dont have the money to get it fixed right now. The taxes were do and that took all the money. Something like that. If she has dementia how does she keep remembering this unless you keep telling her you took the keys? Of course there is going to be a fight. Every time.
Then try to redirect the conversation to something else. Do not bring up you took the keys. There is no point in being brutally honest unless you like the fighting.
It takes the onus off of you. If she is forgetful you can try to say that. Never bring up you took they keys.
"The Doctor said you are not allowed to drive anymore. That IS tough". Add sympathetic face. Leave room pronto.
But saying the car won't start. We don't have the $ to get it fixed. For most of us, saying there is no money; people understand that. No fighting. No hurt feelings. No one blamed.
We told our Mom that she voluntarily and wisely gave up driving because she was worried about her own driving. We applauded her courage and wisdom, and concern for others. We made her a hero.
Amazingly, she would occasionally bring up that no one had to take it away from her at first. She was proud that she was wise enough to know when it was time to stop driving on her own...
We also secretly sold her car. She never asked where the money went, but if she asked, we'd lie about that, too. We learned to tell white lies about a lot of things as her dementia depended, and she was fine with it. Telling her the truth simply made her sad and depressed.
We also got rid of all pictures of her around her car. Seeing those pictures agitated her and made her sad, too.
Good Luck.
I did have to hide the car keys.
I did get rid of our other car, I told him it was in the shop for repairs.
He did manage to find my keys 2 times and he did drive off. The second time he was gone for 13 hours the police issued an alert and the police found him in the state north of us. Very frightening and I/we were very lucky!
I did pretty much "lock down" the house after that. Got keyed on the inside locks and wore keys around my neck for 2 years. Changed the inside garage door opener to one that needed a code to open the door just like you do for the outside opener. Had him fitted with a tracking device the police and County have so they can more easily track vulnerable individuals that happen to wander away from their home.
I worked with dementia clients for over 25 years. Driving is a big issue. I remember some Memory Care residents insisting that cars they saw in facility parking lot were theirs! Took lots of distraction and redirection to change their focus!
This method doesn't often work for some men (and possibly handy women.) They might still have enough old memories to check for things like the battery!
I also agree with the out of sight, out of mind... it may take a while, but generally the memory does eventually fade. A visual reminder would certainly queue up the NEED to take it for a drive! Mom droned on often about having lost her "wheels", but eventually that became the mistake SHE made (giving it up, which she didn't!) and later it just drifted from memory.
I would suggest one of the following.
1. Uber, IF she is able to manage the phone app, and I know that's not so easy.
2. Whatever the insurance and gas was costing, use that amount to hire a local driver or van company, or a local taxi service. Explain to them that whenever mom calls, the bill gets subtracted from the amount you put in. She might get to feel like a queen if she has a driver.
Either of these will give back some of her independence, and there may be other creative solutions.
But not a day goes by that I am not accused of being evil for taking away his car and threatening to call a lawyer. Because I am temporarily working from home I am flexible enough to bring him where he needs to be but a lot of times not on the schedule he wants. Then it's all ranting and raving and swears at me. I just want this to stop.
For the test, they will take her out in a car, and test her driving abilities. They will also take her to a store, have her park the car, and go into the store, spend some time, and have her find her car again.
My dad failed on 14 counts. Best $350 ever spent.
Even funnier, reading on the DMV for her state, it says the person should self-report! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyone who has dementia is NOT going to self-report. In their mind, they are fine, just as they were many years ago, and this reporting will not happen!