I am a 65 year old widow who lives with my 88 year old mother. My father died last year and my mother couldn’t stay at home if I wasn’t here. She is in pretty good health but was very dependent on my father and now is very dependent on me. Can’t drive, pay bills, worries constantly, micromanages everything. I do some housework, help with meals, do all errands, driving and household organizing. I have organized my retirement around her needs. I can’t take an overnight trip or go away for the weekend because she can’t be left alone. (I get one break a year when a sibling fills in for a week or two). But she insists I don’t really do that much and I’m not a caregiver because I don’t do any hands-on care. I am becoming very resentful and angry, mostly at the lack of recognition and empathy. I lost my husband then gave up my job, home and friends to move across the country to help her. I wanted to do this but the constant criticism and nagging is utterly demoralizing. My situation isn’t as bad as some face, but how do I cope?
I don't have to wipe my mother's or change diapers, or bathe her. I do have to deal with the commode every ten minutes. Even though there's not so much hands-on care, being her caregiver has nearly destroyed me. I thought I would be fine because I made my living as an in-home caregiver for nearly 25 years (mostly to elderly). There is a long history of abuse and dysfunction as well. My mother did attempt to make some amends for her behavior in the past so I decided to move back into her house to help her out. The narcissism, negativity, misery, nagging, constant criticism, belittling, berating, and bullying dragged me so low into a hole of despair that I almost took my own life. Yes, this is true. I got help in the form of therapy and my ex-husband. I'm walking away from caregiving. Either my sibling steps up and takes over, or the state does. One way or the other, I'm out and done.
For your own sake, you should be too.
I think your situation may be worse than mine if you cannot leave her alone for any period of time. Along with taking her abuse, you also live in the mind-numbing boredom of providing elder baby-sitting which can be likened to watching paint dry.
So, my friend you have it tough.
Your sibling needs to start filling in one week a month, Not one week a year.
Please look into facility placement or homecare services. Start looking into getting your own place too.
You're 65 years old. How many good years do you think you have? People are supposed to enjoy their retirements. Not spend those years enslaved to the care needs of an ancient parent.
That's why there are senior living communities, assisted living facilities, nursing homes, memory care facilities, and homecare.
You have choices and options. Please for your own sake, start considering some.
My mom, god rest her soul, always said everyday after 60 is a gift. Now at 63, I agree!
I personally would never do 24/7 regardless of what that looked like and how in-depth or not in-depth the care was. I salute the people who can and admire that so much but it’s not for me. I also would never expect my children to give up their lives for me. They can gladly put me in a home I tell my daughter. Just give me some good books and sweets!
Would you consider therapy? 65 is way too young in our day and age to either throw your own life away on the altar of caring for your Mom who has already had her own life, or to give up your own friends and plans. This is, quite honestly a window of several decades where you are free in a way you have never been before to do what you wish while you are still well and able. You will soon enough be where your Mom is. I, at 80, am glad enough to be down to walks, gardening, trips to my daughter and grandson for a visit, reading, sewing, a few other hobbies including fostering dogs. But I am so glad that I had those years when I could still hike a bit, travel to other far away places, explore the world retired.
I wish you the very best. Only you can make these choices for yourself.
You matter too and you deserve a life. Good luck.
The OP's mother who 'micromanages' everything while not actually doing anything for herself, is ridiculous. She is not independent and no one humor her by pretending that she is.
She wouldn't? Oh dear. Up to her, if she chooses not to do that then she needn't. But her refusal to consider a practical arrangement does not equal a responsibility on your part to implement her choice.
Right. I will be frank. What has happened so far is good for neither of you. You are disabling your mother and preventing her from developing *any* potential for independence or regrowth by filling your late father's shoes. And, as a side effect, you have ignored your own right to grieve, you have trashed your life, and you have ditched both employment and the support of your social network.
And you think your situation isn't bad enough to be worthy of sympathy or demand urgent changes?
You did all this to comfort your mother and support her happiness. I think those are both very good things to want, only this way is not working. Your mother is not comforted, she is not happy, and you are getting none of the results - let alone the rewards - that you aimed for and deserve.
It is not too late. Allow yourself to think really openly about alternative possibilities. You could see if your job might still be there, what about getting your house back or finding an equivalent, you could explore housing options for your mother in your home location, you could find out and add up what assets and income are available - in short, you can make a different plan.
You don't need your mother's permission to do that. Try it, and see what goals emerge.
Additionally, You need some support. Look for a grief support group - online or in person - to deal with the loss of your spouse. Also, consider adding some helpers to your caregiving team. If you get sick or injured, you need a few people who already know your mom's routines and medications to care for her while you are unable to. Those extra helpers can also allow you some time off to develop relationships with people who nurture your soul and provide friendship.
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