How do I plan an inexpensive funeral?
I don't think my husband has but a few months left. (He is still in denial and sent in his golf membership today. I'm pretty sure they will be refunding it.)
I can get a gravesite here in town for $350. Yep, you read that right! But I am not sure what the next steps are to keep things low-cost from the time he dies until he is put in the ground. (I want to be cremated, he says absolutely not for him.)
If I have to, I will put an "in lieu of flowers" statement in the obit and ask folks to contribute to the cost of the funeral home's services. To me, that is tacky but it might be necessary. I honestly don't want to have to deal with flowers any way. He made financial choices that have put us where we are but I'm the one that has to bear the brunt of his choices.
Please tell me what has worked for you.
Talk to a funeral home and be right up front about the lack of funds. Letting them know ahead you really have nothing and can't scrounge it up may help them to find you a casket that is very inexpensive, and what other places you can cut costs.
IDK about doing a 'plea' for fund to help. That seems so sad to me. But it's worth a try. I would rather have money than a huge flower arrangement that will be dead in days. (We buried mom on a day that hit 107 degrees. I encouraged ALL the grands and great grands to take as many flowers from the arrangements as they wanted. They did--picked them pretty bare). We went back to the gravesite 2 hrs later and every single flower was wilted and brown. $1200, all dried up.)
If your DH's financial misdeeds makes it so you simply cannot afford to do a full grave, them have him cremated. Not out of spite, but out of necessity.
We can WANT what we WANT for out final 'wishes' but there have to be funds to pay for it. Just saying.
If your DH is a vet, he does get a BIG lovely American flag. We were very grateful b/c the casket he chose was cheap looking. The flag covered it completely.
* It is possible to do anything before he passes, i.e., create a Go Fund Me page?
* Ask funeral homes if they have accommodations for lower income families or a payment plan (sounds awful).
* Contact your church or any / all local churches. They may help.
- Churches: ask if they have a bulletin board you can post this need (every little bit helps).
* Ask your friends NOW. Everyone that knows you and/or him personally.
Contact organizations you / he belongs to. If you do not want to do this now, have 'it' set up for soon after - and ask someone to help you with it (after he passes) as you won't likely feel like being on the computer / phone asking for this support at that time.
* As mentioned, do what you need to do - whatever you can live with - after the fact, even if not your husband's wishes. You need to eat, pay mortgage (?), survive yourself. I believe your husband would want you to survive / live as best you can without him (which means making these tough decisions).
Consider the situation for yourself. Personally, I am donating my body to science (MedCure) as I do not want to incur any expense or least amount as possible.
It is a waste of money to me although I realize others' have religious connotions associated with this service / burial decision.
I hope this helps.
Gena / Touch Matters
It’s good you’re looking into this early, the funeral industry is one of the sleaziest industries out there, and love to price gouge grieving loved ones.
Sorry to be tacky about this next part. Once your husband is dead, he will not care if you follow his wishes or not. If he put you in financial straits, then I would bury him on the cheap and be done with it.
I myself would do the cremation no matter what I "promised" the person I love, but as a person mostly steeped in science I believe that gone is gone, and as Poet and Undertaker Thomas Lynch observes, when a person has died there is nothing you can do FOR, WITH, or ABOUT them that will disturb them. Promises made for some future that cannot be predicted are about as worthless as promising nothing.
You have some good suggestions here. You can eliminate services and have a home Celebration of life with dear friends at some time in the future.
I am sorry it has come to this and I wish you luck. Do basically as you think is best. No one should judge you on this.
Just do a cremation and be done with it. Nod and smile when he demands things.
Caskets are the biggest-ticket item, so be prepared to take a big hit in the wallet. The more they deal with the body (embalming, dressing, transporting to church, to cemetery, paid lurkers at both, etc), the more it costs.
I have to agree with Bridget -- he doesn't get to bankrupt you because he doesn't want to be cremated. Then again, I believe that when you're dead you're dead, and how the remains are disposed of is of minimal importance
If you choose a place that does only cremations (as opposed to a fancy full-service mortuary), you'll save a fortune. I used the fancy place to cremate my dad, and it was around $2800. I used a cremate-only place for Mom, and it was $750. They both ultimately ended up in the same place, I picked up their ashes, and we dealt with the cemetery ourselves without mortuary middle-men involved. Huge amounts of money saved.
Also, don't get talked into buying a ton of death certificates. Buy two or three at most, because anyone who needs a copy of it will make a photocopy and hand the original back to you. I was talked into buying a dozen for Dad ($21 each), and I bought five for Mom. I've only given away one that wasn't returned.
You could also do this at a beach, in the backyard or in your house, anywhere people can gather.
Old style churchy funerals can be so depressing. And if you need Bible readings or prayers, anyone can do that. You can invite a minister to preside and share the meal.
Everyone should read Jessica Mitford’s book, *The American Way of Death,* to get a good education on how the funeral-home (home???) industry is gouging us all left and right. Don’t pay into that phony, predatory system!
What is involved in a full funeral...a plot, a casket, a vault (yep the have vaults to line the grave), a viewing one night, an hour viewing before the service, the service and then going to the graveside, a cost for the hairdresser and clergy. Oh flowers and a luncheon. I cut out the night before viewing. Got the same casket Mom got for Dad. What was good for him was good for for her. I got a local place to cater at my husbands Golf Club. Total cost 13k.
If you cannot afford 13k then have him cremated. If he wanted a full blown Funeral he should have saved for it. Do not go in debt. Opening a grave is expensive, about 1k to 2k. See if the cemetery has vaults where you can put your urns. Do you belong to a Church? People from our Church had a lovely service for their son. The Urn was placed inside a wreath of flowers. There was a line of people showing their respects then we sat down for the service. The women of the Church put on a nice luncheon. The cost to the family was to pay for the meat everything else was made by the women of the Church. All the family did was donate to the Church, the minister took nothing from members. Maybe something can be done at DHs golf club.
Is your husband a veteran? Call the VA dept in your county and see what is offered. For County cemeteries I think the plot is provided, a plaque and a military service but you pay to have it opened. I live near a National cemetery. Because of its size, my in-laws had to be cremated. The plot, opening it up and the plaque cost us nothing. I had clergy at both and both had a military send off. Friends and family attended both. What is nice, is the Wreaths across America do the National Cemeteries every Dec. which we donate to. So for Christmas each grave gets a wreath.
If he is cremated no need for embalming and you can have a memorial anytime you want. Cost where I live thru a Funeral home 7 yrs ago was $2300. Some places have crematoriums nearby that the body can go straight to without going thru a middle man. I think my MIL set up her cremation ahead of time.
I think one good thing with COVID is people realized you do not have to have a full blown funeral. I just saw and ad on FB put up by a Funeral home saying "Funerals are for the Living" yes and to line Funeral Homes pockets. I am sure they have lost alot of money in the last 3 yrs. People finding cremation being so much cheaper and just graveside services. It may be closure to some but its also stressful especially for the spouse. I like the way the Jewish do it, buried by the next day. The Amish too. This dragging it out with viewings and 3 days is too much IMO.
There is a very small burial amount from Social Security.
If he is a veteran, he could use veterans benefits for burial (free in a national cemetery).
You might want to bring in one of your adult children to help make decisions.
If your dH is that ill, and on hospice, retrieve or cancel the golf club membership now. If you are POA, take care of it.
Otherwise, make plans with your husband, understanding no one knows when we will die.
So sorry that your husband is ill. You are wise to plan now.
Do you belong to a church? Some churches are charitable and pay funeral expenses for those in the congregation who don’t have the funds.
How do you feel about a Go Fund Me Page? He wouldn’t have to know.
Grammie, Would cremation bother you? He’s going to be dead. It simply won’t matter to him.
If money hasn’t been allocated for final expenses then have him cremated.
When I was looking at Funeral Homes for my Husbands funeral I found out a few things.
1.. Embalming is NOT required (at least in Illinois) BUT if the body is not embalmed it must be a closed casket and if you want to view the body before the funeral ONLY family can if there has been no embalming.
2. If I chose to use a casket purchased elsewhere (Costco for example) other options in the "menu" of services jumped in price as I was then paying for each individual "service" ala cart rather than a few "services" grouped together. I don't know how else to explain this. So check with the Funeral home before you buy a casket on line.
3. 1 day is less expensive than having a wake on day 1 and a short wake time then burial on day 2.
4. There is a separate cost (at least for me) to open the grave site. the cost probably would have been less if we had a columbarium rather than interment.
5. You can elect not to have flowers but people will do what people do and they may order flowers. (I did not have flowers and people sent flowers)
6. You could go ahead and do a cremation. While he said it is not for him if there is no religious reason that he is not wanting to be cremated....
Lastly
donating the body for medical research. Once they are done the body is cremated and returned to you at no cost.
He doesn't get a funeral that leaves you even less financially stable. You can have a rock engraved and plant him in the backyard.
My brother didn’t have much resources set aside. I asked at his ‘end of life’ hospice facility if they knew which funeral homes had the best prices for cremation.
Sure enough, the funeral homes that they recommended were the cheapest anywhere. So, ask different sources in your community for recommendations, hospice, churches, etc.
We chose a direct cremation. Pick up of the body, and a box to put her in. No urn. They will call me when her ashes are ready.
Total cost was $1,400.
I agree. Your husband does not get to impoverish you (further).
He does not get to bully you any longer, either.
This other first time you get to make a decision without him getting in the way of sanity. Take the step that is right for YOU.
If there are naysayers in your family, they are welcome to pay the bill.
Dumb autocorrect!
A was a widow in her 80s probably at the time and diagnosed with ALZ. Her DIL was a nurse at Moms AL. She said before A got bad she had asked her what she wanted in the way of her funeral, A said, cremation and then put her, her Mom and husband all together in one place. DIL asked where were Moms and husbands ashes. A said "Moms are under the bird bath behind the house, and Bill's are down in the basement in the filing cabinet under B.
I do have about $4,000 in life insurance to leave with some of my existing out of state family, but if eventually on Medicaid for my care, it may take all but $1,500 face value funds that will just cover my suggested cremation wishes.
Maybe my remains can be placed in a space with my father's grave near ghe current region where I live and have a simple service for anyone who does appear.
When my son passed from terminal cancer on January 25, 2018, he was not buried until March 5 because that is how long it took for me to be able to get the lowest cost funeral ($7008.00) dollars paid to have him buried. Funeral homes are vultures.
As I previously stated, get the word out NOW to family and friends b yr e yr
You will be in my prays...
Lately, I have seen some churches coordinate food donations to offer a meal for the family and invited friends that is held in their fellowship hall. Is this not done widespread? I would never consider footing the bill for an open reception... my immediate family at a restaurant, maybe, then anyone else who wants to join us would be welcome dutch treat. Another way to avoid a reception is not to have the service near a meal time. A "viewing" at 1 pm, service at 2 then it is over before supper.
I watch a mortician on YouTube, Caitlin Doughty and she goes into detail about the funeral business and how expensive it is and why it doesn't need to be. She makes videos about all kinds of things as well. Green burials, Alkaline Hydrolysis, Water Cremation, compost type burial.
Both of my parents had only cremation, no caskets, no services, no luncheons, etc. Each one was $1300. I spread their ashes together in a beautiful location. My father in law had the same thing. None of them wanted services or emotional gatherings around a casket. You don't have to have all that stuff.
I agree about not following your husband's wishes after his death. You have to make this work for you. If he really had his heart set on a big send off.... he should have planned for it and not left you in a position to ask for money for his funeral. I'm sorry you're in this situation.