For details: I'm 21, and I recently had to start caring for my mom (it's all really sudden, and she's starting to scare me). My dad passed away when I was 17, and Mom's health has been slowly declining since then.
She has arthritis in her hip, and a slipped disc in her back. She can barely walk, and has doctor's appointments/physical therapy pretty much every day. I'm kind of a fulltime caregiver at this point, and really had to put all of my own goals and ambitions on hold. I can't leave her at the house alone, so a job/school is out of the question. We can't afford another caregiver, and I'm an only child. Not to mention I don't really have any guidance, so there's a lot of life skills (banking, doctor's appointments, insurance) I'm trying to figure out on my own as I go.
Between dad passing away and now, I've barely had enough time to grieve, and now I'm running an entire household by myself. (His death was sudden, right before I graduated high school) I don't really have a social circle since all my friends went away to college, and I have no idea where to reach out for help (which is kind of why I'm posting here.)
I want to help her, so I take her to her doctor's appointments, and clean up the house, and cook, and everything else, but it's all getting to be too much! I see a mental health counselor, but even that has to be every other week so I don't leave her alone too long. Her mental health is declining, to the point where she's mean to me, claims I'm bossing her around and half the time doesn't make any sense at all. She falls and hurts herself constantly unless I'm watching her, so I really don't have any time to myself.
It's kind of at the point where she expects me to do everything, but yells at me for doing things for her. Cooking and affording food is a problem too, especially since Mom is SUPER picky about what she eats. Her co-workers (from a job she's not allowed to go back to) have been sending us food which is a blessing, but Mom won't eat any of it because she hates leftovers. So I have to make something fresh for her every night, which results in a lot of wasted food.
Does anyone have any advice for what I could do? Money's tight, especially since neither of us are working and Dad didn't leave us much. I'm so stressed out I can barely function, but I'm kind of at a loss for what to do, so I keep going. Any words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated! Thank you!!
It's to the point where I'm afraid to leave her home alone, since whenever I leave, I come back to her on the floor, usually passed out or talking nonsense. This all feels very familiar, since I went through the same thing (though maybe more /extreme/) with Dad right before he passed. He would forget my name or my age, or how to work his computer, then get angry at me when I tried to help him. So as you can see, this isn't my first experience with this, but back then I had Mom to fall back on. Now I'm having a tougher time since I'm going it alone.
Again, thank you to everyone for your kindness!! I'm really glad I reached out here.
Here you are, doing everything, bending over backwards, going without so your mother can abuse you?
No, no, no! It’s up to you to demand respect for yourself. Not just being civil but being appreciated with pleases and thank you’s. If it were me, I would refuse to do anything at all if all she can do is criticize.
Also, she should be aware of how hard you are struggling financially and she should be more cooperative when it comes to meals. It is unreasonable to expect you to have to cook everyday when there is food that will be thrown out.
I have trouble with food waste here with my mom too. She eats like a little bird and there’s leftovers whenever I cook a meal. She hardly eats the first time around but I insist that she have at least one night of leftovers. The rest always falls on me, no wonder I’m as big as a house.
I know exactly what what you mean about having to take care of everything. Her medical problems, her prescriptions, her doctors, her therapy, her appointments...then add the house, the groceries, the bills, the repairs, the laundry, the dang, dang dishes... I even have yard work and pets to maintain!
But honey, I am 66 years old and I chose to move back in with her after my marriage broke up. My children are grown. I have grandchildren to dote on that come and stay with us. You need to get your own experiences and that’ll never happen if you can’t leave the house.
It’s overwhelming and you must be doing a hell of a job! Pat yourself on the back for all you do, somebody needs to!
Good luck,
Charlotte
You are a brave and conscientious young woman, but you are not even in a position to handle your own care, much less a very dependent, very helpless, very damaged 2nd party.
If I were you I would contact the Social Services Office in your county. Google and see if you can come up with it. Explain to whoever answers the phone when you call what your situation is.
Are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that your mom isn’t in possession of funds that she’s not telling you about? Can you contact the last place where your father worked to determine if any benefits came to your mother when he died?
Find out where documents from from last year’s taxes were kept, then check the sources of income listed.
Sounds crazy, but look under mattresses, in the corners of closets, any “secret places” you may be aware of.
Try walking into religious institutions and explaining your situation.
Your post cries of defeat, and you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. Just for “fun” (remember what that is?) see if you can find a free or very low cost course in SOMETHING online, just to give yourself something, just for YOU, instead of what you’re doing now.
And come back here and let us know what things you’ve tried and what you’ve been able to find out.
You’re an efficient, well organized writer, by the way, and you might even be able to turn THAT gift into something that might provide you with some joy. You NEED something.
Talk again soon?
Thank you for your kind words about my writing! I do some for fun, but lately (as I'm sure you can guess) there hasn't been a lot of time. I really like the idea of taking a course online for something! I'm definitely going to look into that. I know that I've needed something to do for a while, it's just really hard to find the time, or at the end of the day the ENERGY. But with how defeated I've felt lately, maybe 'me time' should be a priority.
This sounds brutal to me. All of it. And life CAN be brutal, you know that more than I do. So now it is about saving yourself. We have two chances for a stellar family. The one we are born to and the one we make. You have a right to live your life, hon. You must now tell Mom some hard facts. And make no mistake, loving you may be, it will frighten her. Tell her you love her and you two will take care of things a step at a time. But tell her that you cannot sacrifice your life to caring for her. Yes, she had you and she sacrificed for you. THAT is how it works. That is how all that works. You raise them and they fly out of the nest.
Now you are used to burrowing away with Mom and caregiving I think. Going out into the wide world is going to frighten the wits out of you. That's OK. At 21 we are ALL scared. But most of us have folks to fall back on at that age, not to take care of.
Leah you deserve a good life. Please grab it. Keep us updated if you find something that works. Start by talking to Mom's case worker if she is on disability. If not, she likely SHOULD be. Do know that if you are unable to do this at your age that would be called NORMAL. Your Mom may need guardianship by the State if she cannot function.
Best wishes and luck to you, hon. So sorry you are facing this so young because NO ONE could possibly be ready for this at your age.
Please go to your county's website to see how to contact your Area Agency on Aging or social services to start making changes.
Do you go into the examining room for the doctor visits? Are you on the HIPAA forms to have access to her medical information and to speak with her doctors?
There's some information I have access to, and I've called to talk to her doctors before. I'm starting to think I SHOULD go to the examining room, because I'm pretty sure she's lying to me about what the doctors tell her.
I am glad that you are seeing a counselor. Please continue to do so.
This will not get any easier for you. It will become much harder the longer that it goes on. Do not see yourself as a failure because you cannot tackle this difficult job without help.
This is not your total responsibility. I don’t know what your relationship is like with your mom and I won’t pry or assume anything. If you choose to tell us anything we are here to listen. Just know that it isn’t unusual for parents to make a child feel guilty. Please don’t carry that heavy burden.
I know your mom is younger than most people in facilities but there are some younger people who have to live in a facility because they don’t have any other choice. If she has given you permission to speak with her doctors, then discuss this option with them.
You have the final decision as to what you do but I personally feel that you are too young to be a full time caregiver to your mom.
Can you reach out to your mother’s doctor or hospital to get the name of a social worker that can help you plan your next step in caring for your mom?
You mentioned that your friends are in college. Are you in school? You need to be focused on your future. Does mom have anyone that she can reach out to? What is the state of her mental health?
This will drain you further if you continue to sacrifice your entire life for her.
Do you have a church nearby that could possibly provide help? Or any other organization that helps others in the community.
Please let us know how you are and please continue to ask further questions. Others will be able to help you further. You will be able to figure this out. You have taken the first step by reaching out.
Take care...
I could definitely try that. I've spoken with mom's doctors before, but never about the next step, or trying to find care for her. I'm still figuring a lot out, but maybe a social worker could help me through that process?
Mom has siblings (who have been REALLY helpful in talking to me), but they all live a few hours away. She doesn't talk to them too often, though, she's always been sort of isolated. I've been trying to gauge the state of her mental health for a while now... she gets angry a lot, and sometimes doesn't make any sense at all. Dad was sort of the same way before he passed, which scares me a little.
I'm not in school right now. I was enrolled in a community college for about a year, but had to quit since I couldn't leave Mom alone for that long.
I'm going to try reaching out to a few support groups!! It's always been something that scared me, but I know I have to start taking steps to help myself out of this.
You say you are seeing a mental health counselor.......what does he/she have to say about all of this and what are the recommendations for you?
I hope you can get mom into the right doctor for a full workup SOON. I also wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to help you through this stressful situation. Sending you a big hug and wishing you all the best.
Is your mom improving with PT? Is there hope that she will become physically independent at some near date? I sure hope so.
I'm glad you are seeing a counselor.
If this situation is short term where the demands on you will subside, then perhaps you can stick it out. If it's more of a long term situation, you need to get someone to help with your mom.
Good luck.
I was sort of hoping this was something I could stick out, but you're right; if she keeps putting off the surgery, I'm going to try looking into getting some help.
Talk to your counselor and ask for help getting her public assistance to be placed in a facility.
She will guilt you, hate you and everything else you can imagine, but you deserve to have a life. She is awfully young and her efforts can completely change her future, but only she can do it. Time to step back and let mom sink or swim.
There are transits through most public bus systems, talk to the transportation authority for your county and get her signed up for discounted or possibly free rides.
I am sorry that she is strangling you in her choices, please find a way to step back.