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Mostly Independent
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Try, as I do, the day I changed sheets on the bed, "no one gets into bed that has fresh clean sheets on without taking a shower." So far it works, after trying and trying everything. So now I change sheets the same day I want him to shower. If there is an area he fusses about washing, such as his head, I tell him a fib, that he has sores there and he needs to wash it. My comment makes it sound easy, but it sure isn't and each time there are more challenges.
Is this a walk in shower or does he have to step into a tub to shower? There is always the fear of falling. My Husband used a walker, he was used to holding onto a walker. There were grab bars in the shower but he did not use them. I got a resale store walker ($4.00) and put that in the shower and he would stand and hold onto the walker. When he was done he used the walker to exit the shower and we "traded" the dry walker for the wet one. I was told by a Physical Therapist that the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so try a hand held shower head and direct the water away from the head and torso, start at the feet and work up. A shower chair or bench is safer than standing. If you get a bench one with a back is safer. Worst case you get someone to come in 2 times a week to shower your husband. I know 2 times a week does not seem like a lot but I found that that is all the state requires in facilities (I live in Illinois) and with cleaning properly after toileting 2 showers should be good, and you do not want to stress him to the point it is a fight each and every time.
Will he allow you to massage his arms, legs, back? If so start with that and a foam soap then wipe it off with a soft cloth. (look for the no rinse foam soaps)
I suppose this might also be a phase that passes as a lot do with dementia. Keep trying and a caregiver that comes in 1 or 2 times a week to give him a bath or shower also means you are not the one "forcing" him.
Hi, I’m in a similar situation with my older husband. You’ll have to try to figure out the reasons why he is refusing and address them.
Mine gets exhausted by showering and therefore avoids it if he’s already tired. (So we do that on days he feels better.) He doesn’t like the washcloth in bed when it becomes cold on his skin or feels invasive like on his face. (So I start with noninvasive parts of the body, usually a hand, and change the water for warmer water part way through). He doesn’t want his nails cut because.... I think he just doesn’t like the sensation! (Who does!?) So unfortunately they tend to grow long before he will let me cut them. He would never allow someone else to help him, other than me.
We are still working on these things, but it’s better than trying to force him to shower, which only resulted in anger and resentment, or just let him be, which caused him to become very itchy! Good luck.
Please talk to his physicians. He may need a medication change and/or additional lab and other tests to rule out causes for this behavior change. It may be time for alternative placement or hospice etc. He may allow a male caregiver to assist with personal care when he is unable to accept this from you.
Ask doctor to get you some in home help. Bathing, exercise, a weekly nurse visit, etc. It's possible that someone else arriving on 'bath days' would get him into the tub or shower.
Check with beauty/barber shops around your house. Some will do the hair cutting at your house. My mom has a lady who does it and it works out well. Kids and grandkids might also know someone who can go to hubby - ask. There are lots of folks out there who do haircuts and learned on their own, so may even be someone right there in the neighborhood.
Why does he deny your help? Is this a sudden change in behavior? Does he need a shower chair for safety? Two person assist for safety? Stubbornness or dementia? Senior care agencies have people trained to do hygiene tasks for our loved ones. Contact his doctor for analysis and direction.
Wish I had an answer. My husband has had this issue for almost 2 years. He had no choice but to shower when he stayed at Care facility for couple of days in February. He followed nurses request 😁. Go figure. He still doesn't want me to touch him or help him. Maybe someone on this site as some ideas. 🌹
My father will not let my mother help him in the shower, or with a lot of other things. We finally hired a home health aide and he seems to accept her as a person of authority and follows her direction easily. She washes, dries and dresses him with no problem at all. Prior to that he could shower himself. He hated the shower bench, which was too low to get on and off comfortably. But his bedside commode, with the basket removed, worked well. He could sit easily and the opening below made it convenient to clean the entire groin area with a handheld shower head.
TigressLinda, have you tried the no rinse products? They're used in rehab facilities depending on the condition. I was given bottles of each when I had an appendectomy a few years ago and was surprised how refreshed I feel.
They're available in pharmacy sections of at least one chain store here, as well as in drugs stores. They aren't cheap though, but can anyone put a price on safety?
This search hit provides links to 2 Aging Care articles on this subject, as well as threads on similar issues:
The only suggestion I have seen from others is to try hiring someone to assist his bathing. You could start with just once/week and see how it goes. It also might take trying several different aides, to assess his response to their help. Seems like often those with dementia will allow someone else to help with these tasks, but not their own LO!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
There is always the fear of falling.
My Husband used a walker, he was used to holding onto a walker. There were grab bars in the shower but he did not use them. I got a resale store walker ($4.00) and put that in the shower and he would stand and hold onto the walker. When he was done he used the walker to exit the shower and we "traded" the dry walker for the wet one.
I was told by a Physical Therapist that the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so try a hand held shower head and direct the water away from the head and torso, start at the feet and work up.
A shower chair or bench is safer than standing. If you get a bench one with a back is safer.
Worst case you get someone to come in 2 times a week to shower your husband. I know 2 times a week does not seem like a lot but I found that that is all the state requires in facilities (I live in Illinois) and with cleaning properly after toileting 2 showers should be good, and you do not want to stress him to the point it is a fight each and every time.
Will he allow you to massage his arms, legs, back? If so start with that and a foam soap then wipe it off with a soft cloth. (look for the no rinse foam soaps)
I suppose this might also be a phase that passes as a lot do with dementia. Keep trying and a caregiver that comes in 1 or 2 times a week to give him a bath or shower also means you are not the one "forcing" him.
Mine gets exhausted by showering and therefore avoids it if he’s already tired. (So we do that on days he feels better.) He doesn’t like the washcloth in bed when it becomes cold on his skin or feels invasive like on his face. (So I start with noninvasive parts of the body, usually a hand, and change the water for warmer water part way through). He doesn’t want his nails cut because.... I think he just doesn’t like the sensation! (Who does!?) So unfortunately they tend to grow long before he will let me cut them. He would never allow someone else to help him, other than me.
We are still working on these things, but it’s better than trying to force him to shower, which only resulted in anger and resentment, or just let him be, which caused him to become very itchy! Good luck.
He may need a medication change and/or additional lab and other tests to rule out causes for this behavior change.
It may be time for alternative placement or hospice etc. He may allow a male caregiver to assist with personal care when he is unable to accept this from you.
Check with beauty/barber shops around your house. Some will do the hair cutting at your house. My mom has a lady who does it and it works out well. Kids and grandkids might also know someone who can go to hubby - ask. There are lots of folks out there who do haircuts and learned on their own, so may even be someone right there in the neighborhood.
Prior to that he could shower himself. He hated the shower bench, which was too low to get on and off comfortably. But his bedside commode, with the basket removed, worked well. He could sit easily and the opening below made it convenient to clean the entire groin area with a handheld shower head.
They're available in pharmacy sections of at least one chain store here, as well as in drugs stores. They aren't cheap though, but can anyone put a price on safety?
This search hit provides links to 2 Aging Care articles on this subject, as well as threads on similar issues:
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=no+rinse+products