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I grew up in a household where my mother’s form of nurturing was with the belt and gaslighting. I was blamed for quite a lot. I became the family scapegoat. I eventually moved away to escape my mother’s and my grandparents’ controlling behavior. To this day, many decades later I am treated by my siblings in that manner.


I put my household in storage and moved from out of state to help care for my mother who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been a challenge. My time is not my own and the only respite I have is when I’m in the shower or in bed. I’ve started slowly to get out for a break. I’m always walking on eggshells with my family to the point that I do not wish to be around them for any family gatherings. They never ask me how I’m holding up and my brother always has some form of feedback when it comes to my mother’s care. For example I went out to get something to eat while her caretaker was here. He told me to make certain to bring back something for my mother. I would never neglect my mother. I never get thanked for any updates I provide to them. I feel like I’m their employee instead of a member of the family. I’m not a trained caregiver so I do the best I can do for my mother. I’m only about three months into this and the stress is building up.

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Please note, question is from Dec 2021. OP has not replied since Dec 18. Probably left the group.
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Jeanelf... I feel like you were talking about me... I know there are numerous people treated like scapegoats out there. This year my dr (that I've know for 40 years) told me if I were you, I'd never talk to them (siblings) again... he was very upset.
You have been through way too much. Somehow, you need to be kind to yourself when all is said and done (like me... us caregivers). You deserve heaven here on earth.
Today, my mother asked me to buy here 2 $20 scratch lotto tickets... (this is a lot of money as far as I'm concerned to throw away... especially, when she's living here as a Queen... I pay for 99.9% of everything... she doesn't have much)... When I came home and gave her her tickets... AND, after she scratched them and I'm assuming were loosers... she told me "I never would have bought 'this' kind'... Believe me... I am still not happy... with her...
My siblings blatantly ignore me also,,, I'm learning the hard way not to care any more... I really don't have a choice...
That's how it is when you're treated as a 'scapegoat'... which is TOTAL DISRESPECT.
I guess this is how this world is...
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MeDolly Jun 2022
The world treats one as they allow others to.

If your mother is not carrying her share of the bills then I would not buy her any scratch offs.

You have taught people how to treat you, if you do not like what is happening change it.

Only you can change this, no one should allow disrespect.
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I'm so sorry to read this and I can really relate to it, too. I have been told I'm the "scapegoat" as well by several therapists. I know your feeling of gaslighting and being the outcast. I've been taking care of my mom for two years and took care of my father who had Alzheimer's before that by moving in and living on their couch for a year because my mother couldn't handle it and my sister "had a life" (response I got when I asked why she couldn't help more). I'm treated with complete disdain, do all the work but told I am the problem. (Because now I try to stick up for myself and call out the dysfunction).

Just today I got really mad at mom. Mom is "nice" when everything goes smoothly, but has never admitted or believed she ever does anything wrong. Can't think about her behavior--needs to be praised. My sister causes problems all the time by not cooperating with my small requests (give me advance notice if she wants to come over) and just recently told me I have a victim mentality. Well, I don't know--I've had cancer, chemo and a double mastectomy, my husband died by suicide after two years of marriage while we were building our "dream home" after a time apart because of business, and now I'm caring for my mom 24/7 while doing a full-time job. And I'm doing it and I'm really not complaining (because they don't even speak to me, so how can I complain), but a little empathy, compassion and HELP once in a while would be great. No way.

Today I told mom I thought it was horrible that my sister said that, since she never has done much to help in two years and she has no filter and feels entitled to say whatever she wants--and my mother always, always sticks up for her. She could murder me and my mother would say, "I don't take sides." I say I expect her to agree with what is RIGHT. It doesn't matter what she does to me, I am never validated, never stood up for, and made out to be the villain. It's always been this way--my sister does horrible things and there are/were never any consequences, not as children or now as seniors. She's stolen from me, posted horrible things on Facebook that aren't true, and bad-mouthed me to my nieces and nephews. My mom knows all this and ignores it and gets angry when I get upset about it. I only get complete denial in response like I'm out of my mind. I sacrificed my retirement and took in my mom in the middle of deep grief. I do everything for her to try to keep her safe and happy and she still never sticks up for me when I'm wronged or abused (I do see a therapist because of my husband and a grief counselor and they both concur) It's demoralizing, depressing and maddening. I'm completely invisible except when I'm justifiably angry & then I'm wrong. I'm sorry for anyone else that has to suffer through this.. It's so unfair. I wish I never ever took my mother into my home. She has physical disabilities that made her leave AL (because they refused to help with a colostomy and she's in a wheelchair). Her mind is there so I felt bad putting her in a nursing home on Medicaid where I thought she wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I was so involved with my husband the 5-6 years before his death, I forgot how awful it is to be in a relationship with them and how they made me feel. I got used to my husband and altho I always knew he was a nice person, forgot how great it was when he took me "away" physically and emotionally from them. Now that I'm back, I'm going crazy. It's like I'm in the Twilight Zone. It's all black but everyone keeps telling me it's white.

When my siblings come to visit, they don't even say hello to me, just walk in the door like I'm a doormanl. If I try to set boundaries they say they will report me to senior services --they want open access to my house 24/7 even when I'm not here and I refused.. They can come 5/7 nights a week or anytime 3 days a week which they didn't come near to doing before. When this is over, I am gone.
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Interesting information regarding the siblings:

https://www.identifyandheal.co.uk/adult-scapegoat-daughter/

"Siblings are an integral part of narcissistic supply for the narcissistic mother. The Adult Scapegoat Daughter due to her position of vulnerability and powerlessness as a child, becomes the target for her siblings and mothers psychological cohesion into adulthood. All of the behaviours and emotional distress that we were subjected to by our siblings and mother during childhood, do not just vanish in a puff of smoke as we reach womanhood, unfortunately. Sadly adulthood for the scapegoated daughter in a narcissistic family does not change, it in fact becomes worse.

Our siblings will go to great lengths to damage our self-confidence and self-worth, to fortify their own. They are forever imprinted and conditioned by narcissistic mother to try to undermine and compete with us in any way, shape or form that they are able to, and their jealousy and envy of the scapegoat runs deep and it never diminishes. This abuse can present in many forms, both covertly and overtly."
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jeanelf Jun 2022
Wow. That hits the nail on the head all right.
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FunkyGrandma,

God bless you for being a Christian and forgiving your parents. If that's what worked and helped you to heal from the heinous abuse your parents were the perpetrators of then good for you. What worked for you doesn't work for everyone. There's a reason why my favorite story is 'The Count Of Monte Cristo'. Some people heal when they know things are even.
sp19690 is also right too. Whatever helps the person heal from the abuse is what's right.
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I have been looking after my elderly dad on my own for a few years. He has Vascular Parkinsonism. My sister began to help but kept distancing herself when dad was really sick or I was telling her how much I felt alone. I realise I have been the families scapegoat. I kept hinting to my sister I was struggling & upset etc the more I text the more she kept away. Finally I spoke my mind politely but in response had my niece stick up for her mum & I was the bad guy again! I phoned a social worker. I had carers burnout & now have carers help twice through the night. I sent a text to let my sister know that I was burnt out , felt drained & Ill. Made no difference to her. She's kept away , no concern & I'm sure she's enjoying Xmas festivities while I carry on helping my poor dad phoning drs & dealing with everything. It has hurt me & I feel sad & angry that to this day my sister has managed to escape the worry & anxieties that come with caring for dad. All I do now is pray that I continue to help my dad as best I can to give me strength. I feel comforted with the carers around me & I've bought each a gift for Xmas as they are angels. One thing I do know is that I am glad I am not a selfish person like my sister. Seeing how she has been for the past few years since mum passed has been an eye opener. She's cruel, a liar & self absorbed. One day she will need me but I won't be there.
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PM... You're definitely not alone. I have a very similar situation and I'm still in the middle if it all... At this point, I know I'll never get out of feeling like an outsider and am appalled at how my family has treated me after years... Sadly, my parent is very frail now, so I work around it... Then I know things will go silent. Very heartbreaking to say the least. As a Christian, I pray a lot...
Best Wishes... and, love for Christmas and the new year...
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We show people how to treat us. You’re re-enacting your childhood role in the family. When flying with children we are always advised “put your air mask on first before assisting your child.” Point: we can’t be a caretaker for others if we don’t take care of ourselves. Being a parent’s caregiver can be tough work. You’ve tried hard but can’t continue. Consider being angry with yourself and changing course. Your resentment toward and subsequent estrangement from your family hurts you. Make future plans for her care sooner than later.
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NightHeron,

You are absolutely right about everything. All too often family scapegoats allow themselves to be roped into caregiving. It is because we still try for the acceptance, validation, and yes love, that our parents and siblings deny us. The best day of any family scapegoat's life is when they finally realize that no matter what they do, they will never get it. That sets you free.

FunkyGrandma,
I normally agree with you on most things, but you're dead wrong on this one. NightHeron is right. Everyone does not deserve the best possible care from their family or any for that matter. No one has to live with abuse and disrespect either, no matter how needy their elderly "loved one" is.
Whatever PMoskowitz's motives for being the caregiver, the mother and siblings are the ones who are benefitting.
Our beloved seniors should have given a thought about how they treated their kids and family before they became needy and elderly. If their children weren't given the best care possible by them when they were needly little kids, how can they expect it from them when those kids are grown and their time of need is here?
Don't expect from others what you were unwilling to give yourself.
Some people only deserve to have their basic needs met and nothing more. You get what you give in life.
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funkygrandma59 Dec 2021
I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this one. and for me it boils down to whether or not you have forgiven and made peace with the one who abused you in any way and is needing care, because if you have, then even though you may not be the one giving the care, you still want them to receive the best care from whoever their caregiver(s) may be.
I will use myself as the example here. I was sexually abused by my father since I was 5 years old and it continued until I was 16, and I had a mother who knew it was going on, but chose to do nothing about it. Was I angry as hell as I grew up? You bet ya I was, and didn't want anything to do with them as I got older.
Through my support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I learned however that in order for me to heal and be whole that I needed to forgive both of them, which I eventually did, though it took me many years to really mean it.
I still however chose to remain out of their lives as it was just healthier for me to do so.
So as they got older and required some care, though I still chose not to be in their lives, that didn't mean that I wished them harm, or that I didn't want them to receive the best care possible, which they did receive, just not from me.
And even though some might say, well they deserved to receive just the basics in care, after what they did to me, I disagree, because when you've truly forgiven someone for the wrong they did to you, you do in fact want the best for them, despite what's been done to you.
As the golden rule says, we should do unto others as we would want them to do unto us, not as they've done to us. And that is a rule I try hard to live by. So for that reason, I will stand by my saying that we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
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Family scapegoat here! I hear ya!

My advice. Cut ties with them. That's what I'm doing. They can't insult you or treat you bad if you aren't near.

Fortunately in my case my mom has passed already so I don't need to deal with my siblings. It's not fortunate she's gone. I miss her always. But there is that bright side!
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It's sad and cruel when a parent subtley allows siblings to pick on one child in the family. Like wolf-pack behavior. And crazy family dynamics are hard to figure out since each family is different! “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ~ Leo Tolsoy. So true! I can't really advise you--not knowing you, but I can say that, barring something miraculous, they are not going to change. It is up to you to change and to not seek positive affirmation from these people, because "there ain't no water of love" to be found there. Instead do things that makes you feel good about yourself. Start small and maybe keep a journal of your accomplishments in this new role. Take a class if you can and get a caregiver to come over to give you a break. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself, your health and appearance. Plan ahead for the day when Mom leaves this earth. Where do you want to live when that day comes? Start looking at real estate in your dream location. It will give you something to work toward. Also, please find a sympathetic person or counselor to talk to that's not connected to your family. You need a supportive network right now. I'm glad you have reached out to this site. I find it to be helpful. If it gets to be too much, then it's time to move on and it sounds like you have the means to do so. You are a good person who is trying to do a good thing--care for your mother--and God will bless you. I'm so happy I helped my siblings care for our mother. It wasn't easy at times, but it's something no one can take away from me.
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jeanelf Jun 2022
This is a really great and helpful response. It really is. Thank you. I'm sure it helped PMoskowitz and it helped me a lot, too.
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Your mother is an evil witch. She will never change. You are only 3 months in and already it is too much. What if she lives another 5, 10 or more years? Imagine what you will become then. You made a mistake uprooting your life to take care of her. Own that and do what you need to do to get the hell out of there. The sooner the better. Woman like your mother will never appreciate anything you do for them. Ever.
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I was in the same boat as you and took care of my parents, both with dementia, and a sister with autism for many years. My other three siblings, especially my two older sisters, always had some critical remark to say even though they knew nothing about caregiving and I had a professional background in it. You will always be the scapegoat I’m sorry to say. The pattern has already been established. You could do the most perfect job in the world and it still won’t be good enough for them. Don’t sacrifice your life like I did trying to love your parents and doing what you think is right for them. You have to take care of yourself first. Handover the reins to your siblings and get on with your own life. Don’t feel any guilt or obligation because you made an honest effort and realized this was not a good fit. They have no right to destroy you emotionally and you have no moral obligation to remain as caregiver. Tell them you will be moving in one month or two months at the most and start making arrangements for the move, including getting a job and living in a place of your choosing. The deadline you give them must be firm and you must honor it even if you think you’ll be leaving your mother in the lurch. They will blame you for everything, so expect that you will be blamed, but don’t accept their opinions. This will be hard to do, but in the end it will be better for you and for your mother.
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First of all, you deserve praise for taking on the role of caretaker, which is a never-ending thankless (from others) job. It's obvious you are a kind and loving person, and no one can take that away from you. Believe it.
It's a little hard to tell if you are deciding to stay or want to opt out at this point. I can say that your siblings will not value what you do until they are in your shoes. (I used to inform my siblings with updates as you did, rarely even got a reply. Got the most "feedback" from the sibling who was least involved). My solution to this - stop updating them. If they want to know something, they can call you and ask.
You chose the responsibility to oversee your mother's care, but that doesn't mean you can't ask for help. Whether that help is more hired aid, or whether you can muster the courage to ask your siblings to pitch in - please do one or the other - or BOTH. I can assure you that as time goes by, your Mom's needs will increase; and you will feel those walls closing in on you if you don't get more support.
When you ask for your siblings help, give clear suggestions on what you want them to do - whether it be relieving you every other weekend, or taking Mom to appointments, or food shopping, etc. Only you know what would help you and what each sibling would be able to reasonably handle. If they refuse, or give a bunch of excuses, then inform them that you must use your mother's money to hire more in-home care so you can get some relief. Then DO IT.
Last, if you decide you no longer want to be the live-in caretaker, give your siblings some notice, then prepare to leave. There's no shame in admitting you bit off more than you can chew. Your siblings assessment of you means NOTHING, the bottom line is finding alternative care for your mother - which should be a group effort.
The underlying message here is confidently stand up for yourself. Do it respectfully but confidently, without the anger and angry words I see being advised in many posts here. It's a long road between now and the time your mom passes, and keeping things civil (but distanced if you choose) until the end will be best for all of you. I wish you support and caring on your journey.
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Continue to do the best you can. If you're uncomfortable at family gatherings, let family members know you have something planned for yourself and they will need to collect mom for the day(or two)-or- you will be dropping her off at XX time. Or just drop her and say I'll be back about Xpm to get her - I have an important errand or luncheon with someone. Y'all have a good time while I'm gone.

When he makes a remark like the 'don't forget to bring mom something to eat', be a little creative and prepared with an answer: Thanks, how nice of you....you did say bring back something and you will pay for the treat. Or, My goodness, does that mean she's supposed to eat everyday??? I wouldn't have known...laugh...laugh.

If they make you feel like an employee - jokingly say, I'm not employed here, I'm a volunteer who is doing the best I can. Or maybe, you know how it is - you get what you pay for.

Have you directly asked any of the other family members to show up on a certain timeframe so you can get out for a day or so? That is really important. Some people are totally oblivious to what someone else is going through. They won't step up on their own, but some will bend if given a certain request for a certain time and date(s).
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I know all too well how it is to come from an abusive home like you did. To be the one who gets all the abuse, all the blame, all the gaslighting and all the guilt. I've always been the target for any family member who is having a bad day or time and wants someone to bully. You feel like an employee to your siblings, but the truth of it is you are less than that to them. An employee has a life outside of work. When their shift is over, they go home. They also get paid. Your shift is never over.

You are a slave. Your siblings and abusive mother are your masters.

From one scapegoat to another, tell your family and your abusive mother to F-off and walk away. Even if mom is planning on leaving you a nice estate (she likely isn't because family scapegoats never get the money), it's not worth it.
In the meantime, set some serious boundaries and stick to them. You do not answer to your siblings or your mother. You go where you please without explanation and without bringing something back for mom.
And, last but certainly not least, you start demanding payment in cash money for being mom's caregiving services. If this is refused then they may need a practical lesson demonstrating what life becomes if you stop caregiving. Then totally stop. Go on strike. Do absolutely nothing. Don't even get your mother a glass of water. Completely ignore her and them. Leave for a while if you can.
This is what I did and my situation improved a tenfold. You want respect from your family, demand it. How you demand it is leave them all in the weeds for a bit, including mom. When she dishes out the abuse and gaslighting, serve it right back to her with an extra portion. When your siblings behave like ingrates and refuse to help, you tell them that when you call them, they will come. Otherwise mom will be dropped off at a hospital ER and you will ask for a Social Admit because you are unable and unwilling to be her caregiver anymore. Ask them if they're willing to take a chance and see if you will. Then do it if you have to. I don't think you will have to though. Good luck.
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It is time to say bye bye to not just to your mother but the whole family.
Go complete no contact.
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Get out! There is no reason on the face of this earth why you of all the siblings should be trying to care for an abusive mother, and no reason why you should walk on egg shells around your siblings. They obviously have unfortunately grown up in the follow parent manner and the best thing for you is to walk away from them all and make your life without them. Let them take on the care for mother, and refuse to let them treat you like she did. I wouldn't be too bothered about telling them not to dare to talk to you like that. Move away and leave them to it - abuse never goes away whilst one stays in the vicinity of the abuser - they don't change and you seem to have a second generation coming along. Are they going to expect you to look after them - get out whilst you still have some sanity and make a life you are entitled to and can enjoy. You may want to seek some assistance/counselling on the abuse to help you on your journey - hypnotherapy from a qualified and registered hypnotherapist can be very useful in this situation. (Get details from registering body, lot of charletans around, but someone properly qualified can help.)
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PMoskowitz: I did see your quite positive update that things are looking better for you in your temporary caregiving role. Good luck.
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What a horrible relationship you had and it sure seems like your own family is basically treating you the same way. So I ask you - if you found yourself in a situation surrounded by dangerous people who could harm you, would you just sit there and take what they dish out? Would you strike back - and most likely lose because there are too many of them? Or would you get up, dust yourself off, and move to a better safer place where you will be happy. When people treat you like this, and I don't think they will stop, then sever your ties and find decent, honest, caring people out there who will love you and support you for being you. Walk away and don't look back. People like this do NOT deserve you.
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Riley2166 Dec 2021
I speak from a lifetime of experience - I will be 88 on Tuesday. Please realize just because someone is a caretaker - not every human is suited to be a caretaker. You may want to but physically and mentally you are not suited to it. THEN DO NOT BE A CARETAKER. Find alternative arrangements so you can live your life as it should be lived. For example, I am a business genius but a technology failure. I can handle technology but it takes forever to learn and I hate it. In business issues, I excel, even now at almost 88. Please do not do this work - it will destroy your life.
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It can be hard to caregive and family members don't always give support. Almost all families have some dysfunction and much of it never gets resolved. The reason - it takes everybody wanting to change things.

Since your family members are not supportive, find your support in other people. Get enough others - friends, members of your faith community, and paid help - to make sure your needs are not neglected. Your health, your needs for positive social interactions, your need for "time off" are as important as caring for your mom's needs.

I have a thought I remind myself when I feel mistreated,
"Living my best life and being my best self is the best form of revenge."
It also helps that I can pray to Christ who totally understands me and helps me to live the thought above.
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I’m so sorry you are going through this misery. Good news is you’re in good company! We’re all going through similar horrors. Dementia gets worse. Try to get her in a facility….maybe close to where you live. Siblings won’t help so just ignore them. In the meantime, if your mother is able to sign her name, have elder law Atty draw up caregiver contract. You can also get paid as family caregiver under CDPAP program..just make sure you have backups or else they can’t pay you. That’s what my mistake was..not making sure I had private caregivers willing to register with agency to be my CDPAP backup. It seems that they didn’t want anyone to have their SS # ? Anyway, feel free to send me pvt msg if you need additional advice.
Hugs 🤗
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Dear OP, it seems as though thinking and writing had made a real shift in how you feel, which is great. You started with ‘How do I get past being the family scapegoat’, ‘I’m always walking on eggshells with my family’, and ‘I feel like I’m their employee instead of a member of the family’.

You moved on to ‘I’ve questioned my motives for wanting to help out. I think perhaps I’m looking for redemption and acceptance. Perhaps also to allow my siblings to see me in a different light’. Now you are not only feeling clearer about your own plans, you feel happier about your relations with your siblings.

That’s a huge shift in just a few days! Well done! We have posters who are stuck in the same place for months or years. I’m sure that we all hope that things continue to go well. Clearly you are very capable of thinking your way out of the problems you encounter, and long may it stay that way! Best wishes, Margaret
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I have 3 siblings; we live all over the country. The other three didn't feel they could care for our mother and father (both age 86 at the time) when they could no longer live independently. She had always been grumpy. They moved to where I live. My father died shortly after they moved here. It was difficult at first, but guess what? She became more and more loving as her dementia worsened. She lived for 12 more years, mostly in an assisted living facility. When she died I was so glad I was with her those last years. I realize that the fact that she wasn't living independently, or with me, made it easier. I think those who've written about increasing anger and depression over caregiving would consider placement. It is ultimately more difficult on the aging parent to live around negative emotions.
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So apparently from your other comments/replies on here, your situation is resolved.
That's good to know.

But fyi, your comment about someone else's comments being rude and offensive, show you have plenty of backbone, at least on-line.

Just know that that person was NOT trying to be nasty in thinking that you MIGHT be living with your mom just to "stay living for free". No one knows "you" but after having read these posts for years, there are plenty others who have done this, not because they are "bad" or "selfish" but to help their parent, sometimes sibling.

Most of us on here sincerely want to help and give advice based on the initial question and we probably all read into it based on our individual experiences. So, please don't bite someone's head off when they try to help.
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you for your kind words. I am only 2+ months into this and at times I am overwhelmed. Yes my situation is resolving as I settle into my role. The poster’s intention may have been trying to be helpful. However applying a filter to the remark would have made it a bit more welcomed.
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My first inclination when I read your question was to say "don't bother". But unfortunately, you left your good comfort zone and entered the war zone again.

Once you recognized you're the scapegoat, you can walk away ( which you did and very probably would have been my response ), or stay and fight back, or stay and let everyone continue treating you the same.

Not sure I am qualified to give advice, but I've always felt compelled to side with the underdog. And I would strongly encourage you to NOT let everyone continue treating you as they have always done, continuing to be miserable and get to a breaking point. I would want to advise to stand up and "fight"..... hold your ground.

In the first place, when you take time to go out, all you need to do is say you're going out. I wouldn't say anything else. You don't need to explain to anyone.

But once you said that and your brother told you to bring something back, I'd say, oh, sorry, but I won't be coming right back and can't bring leftovers... or something to that effect. Or even, don't say anything, don't answer, just ignore, and forget to do that.

Take time when you're alone, figure out things that are said to you, and come up with a response to have ready. I would suggest practicing this so you can be ready and say things calmly. You don't want to argue, but you need to stand up for yourself. YOU must take care of yourself.
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you for your kind words. I have redeployed my boundaries and I am fighting back. I told my siblings that I cannot do this alone and that I will be needing more breaks. I’ve asked for the wonderful caregiver my mother has to make a couple more visits each week. As I settle into this role, things get better each day.
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You 'volunteered' in effect, by putting your household (your life) in storage (on 'Hold') to cater to your mom; if this has been a long family pattern, even with siblings playing the game, you stepped right back into the 'role.' It's what you know from early conditioning; be careful to not let it become your martyr 'cross to bear.' If you feel like an employee, charge what an employee would charge; if your family can't step up and help whether with funds or 'in-kind' help, then They Can't Afford You. Value yourself so that your entire life and identity aren't swallowed up. The brother that told you to 'make certain to bring back something for mother' is doing a feeble stab at 'contributing', as if you need such advice; it gives him an excuse to 'act' involved. Stop giving them updates; if they want/need to know they should contact you When Convenient For You or even better, come spend time with mom to know first hand what you deal with day in and day out. Get support for yourself: groups, counseling, caseworker, etc. If they think of you as the 'black sheep' (Cinderella?) who must carry that role, time to reject the role and bill siblings and mom for your work on her behalf. Move back home and get your life out of storage, literally and figuratively. This looks like a case of the females are 'supposed' to caretake...enlist sisters-in-law if there are any and see how quickly your siblings wake up to reality.

It's kind of like when dating a guy who takes you for granted: stop being so available. As you likely read on this forum, moving in with aging parent or having them move in with you too often leads to trouble. All the best.
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Decide now if this is really worth it. It’s not going to get any better, and could last years. Your sacrifice will never be appreciated, and your own life will become non-existent.
If you really DO want want to go down this road, set and maintain BOUNDARIES - you decide what those are. Cut contact if those boundaries not respected. No one controls you but you.
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If you are being taken advantage of, then just resign from your obligation. But before you do, in just the few sentences you wrote, try some introspection. Why did you put yourself in the situation of primary caregiver if the childhood was so painful. Is there some martyr syndrome in you? Has your childhood made you overly sensitive to comments?
In the end, if this is that stressful, advice your family that you are making plans to remove yourself unless significant help is forthcoming. Make it known that your level of assistance will be equal to theirs. And if they can't agree or understand, then your martyr days should be numbered because I would seriously doubt your family will come to your aid if you become the patient mentally or physically.
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I know how your feeling. My mom has vascular dementia and I have been caring for her since 2020. It doesn’t get any easier only worse. Your family will continue to use you until you get ill or die and then they’ll put mom in a care facility. It’s obvious they don’t want the responsibility and need you to be scapegoat for things especially if something goes wrong. Get out! Found a full time caregiver for your mom and move away. Limit your visits and get yourself back on track. Best of luck
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