So, I've been frequently posting because my mother is in transition in hospice. My female cousin, who is very close to her, was in town recently and we visited a few times a week. I'm an only son who has been responsible for my mother's life for the past 21 years, but I'm very pragmatic and she is not so there is a distance between us. I guess I'm like my father who was not very affectionate but made sure he was a good provider. I've overseen her housing, health and care but I guess I'm not a good "caregiver" in the technical sense.
I know this all has to do with End of Life, but I never know what her behavior will be when I see her. Sometimes she is responsive and calm and other times she groans and asks me, "how did this happen?" or cries out that she wants to go home. I'm not very good at responding and comforting her but I do hold her hand and tell her I love her. At one point I told her "it is okay to go" and she said "go where?".
I'm going to see her tomorrow and, frankly, I dread it. I've visited once on my own and it just feels awkward without my cousin there. At least with my cousin there I had someone to talk to. I feel so disheartened to see my mother wanting to get up and fidgeting with her clothing and covers and to know that she is suffering. I don't feel like I bring her comfort.
I hope this makes sense. How do you handle it? Is there something else I should be doing?
I would go prepared with a treat (decaf cappicino and something sweet) and about an hour of "material"-- stories, including pictures on my phone about my kids, my cousin's kids, my coworkers, neighbors, ANYONE. I embellished frequently. I bought a book of poems from her era and would read them. I hope this helps.
It took me time to realise that what I could do was to be there, to talk about nothing, to hold a hand and stroke it. It isn’t a conversation. Barb has good suggestions about what to talk about. Anything will do. You are gentle ‘entertainment’, a change from boredom, a reminder that your mother is still a person with a life behind her. See if you can read aloud things she may remember from childhood. Old fashioned ‘school’ poetry can be good. Take it slowly and chat about what school was like. Talk about your own childhood, too. Whatever your religious views, the Sermon on the Mount is something to read, where many of us remember bits and pieces, and the language is beautiful. It’s in Matthew chapters 8,9 and 10 (I think).
Have courage, and don’t judge yourself.
As always, I held her hand and told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. I told her my cousin sent all her love as well. I checked in with the nurses and they said her oxygen saturation is good but she can only drink Ensure because solid food makes her choke. The one bit of comfort I do get is that some of the nurses know me from the 4 years I've been visiting the AL facility.
I didn't stay very long, just long enough to make sure she was comfortable and knew I was there. I left very depressed. The good folks in this forum have been so helpful and you are all helping me get through this. Thank you again.
Consider bringing simple but happy things to do with her. Does your mother have a game she likes to play, like a card game or a board game? This can be fun to make it “a duel” between you two. Instead of reading her a chapter out of a book each visit, have HER read you a chapter or a magazine article. Teach each other how to crochet. Do you have any childhood toys you can bring and ask her to help you “discover” a way to play with it? Bring a CD player with a CD of music from when she was a young adult.
Sit with mom, have a brief conversation and then let her rest and you can read your book.
Being there is support you don't have to DO anything.
If mom has been a religious person and you are as well you can read prayers, or parts from the bible out loud to her. If she has not been religious just read to yourself.
By the way a visit does not have to be HOURS long it can be a brief visit, enough to check in on her, say hi see if there is anything that she needs. If she is still in the AL or if she is in a Hospice In Patient Unit there is plenty of staff around. If mom is not real responsive you can ask staff how she has been doing.
A visit does not have to be a burden and it does not have to last for hours.