My sister and I are at a loss on how to get our mom to want live. Her down hill slide began in 2011 when my dad suddenly passed away. Admittedly, she does have multiple medical issues that have contributed to her loss of interest in living, but not anything that can't be dealt with. She has had both shoulders replaced, a hip replaced, and still needs both knees replaced, which has made her mobility significantly decline. The biggest issue medically though, is she suffers from achalasia. It took so long for the doctors to come to that conclusion that she lost a lot of weight and muscle. After multiple procedures to try and improve her ability to eat, she is still having difficulty. We were able to FINALLY convince her to get a feeding tube, but she practically refuses to allow the health care providers that stay with her 24/7 to use it. My sister and I have tried to encourage her to do what she needs to so she can build her strength back up and get her mobility back, but simply won't do it. I would be a little more sympathetic if she weren't only 69 years old, but when her own mother comes over everyday to check on her and shows that life isn't over at that age it's kind of hard to be sympathetic. Granted my grandmother doesn't have the same medical issues, but even still, there is life beyond 69. So any ideas on how to convince her of that?
If I were in your mother's situation, I would want to know exactly what my options are and what the likely outcomes are. If I built my strength up and had knee surgery, what are the chances I'll walk again on my own? 25%? 40%? and the chances I could at least transfer my weight? 85%?
I know that your mother's condition is rare, so there might not be a lot of statistics to go by, but in her situation I'd want to talk to the most knowledgeable medical professional I could find, about long-term prognosis.
In the condition she is in right now, what can she do for enjoyment? Play board games with an old friend? Go on wheelchair outings to the botanical gardens or zoo or museum or antique store? Sit on the patio and read? Watch every comedy movie since the talkies started?
Between mourning for your dad, multiple procedures to try to correct her ability to eat, and several joint replacements, has she been able to maintain any kind of social life?
Does she enjoy her mother's daily visits? Does she enjoy seeing you and your sister? (You don't spend the whole time nagging her about what you think she should do, do you?) What do the caregivers do with her that she considers fun?
I'm going to suggest a book about quality of living at the end of life. "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. It may give you some insights.
Have you lost your husband?
Please stop discounting your Mom's ailments and grief.
Maybe therapy will help you deal with your Mom's limitations. This just might be the new normal in your family. Learn to cope, you can't force others to live how you think the should.
I'm sure your judgement and harping is making her feel worse.
I know you love your Mom and want her well, but how about dropping what you want and just love her.
Take care of your mom as best you can. Tell her you love her and respect her choices and decisions. It’s all you can do.
She's had a lot going on, is going to have trouble eating, and that's not going to change, from what I've read about achalasia.
I can understand your desire to see her recover, but she has to want to do so, and if she doesn't, no amount of encouragement will change her position.
Perhaps it's time for a frank talk with her about what SHE wants for HER life.