How do I forgive a narcissistic parent?

Forgive yourself...and them. Only that will provide you some peace.

I couldn't agree more with you, BlackHole, and especially with your raising the importance of authenticity.

True forgiveness is a form of grace. Working at it is a good idea. Claiming to have it and to bestow it without doing the heavy lifting first..? Well, far be it from any of us to know what is in another's heart; but I do sometimes wonder who's kidding who.

When I say it's a form of grace, it's because my shining example of forgiveness is a lady whose son was wantonly murdered thirteen years ago and who forgave his killers in a statement that was quite unforgettable. The young man's name was Anthony Walker, may he rest in peace and may his memory be for a blessing.

Chiming in to validate those who cannot embrace forgiveness.

It can be convenient — for others — when you re-write your “survival script” to satisfy the therapist du jour, the friend/relative who is uncomfortable with your strong feelings or the person who wronged you.

But is the re-write authentic?

Does the new perspective still accurately reflect your truth?

If yes, go forward with your new peace.

If no, that’s fine. Own it. No apologies. (Quite frankly, it’s nobody’s darn business.)

And please note, I am not saying that the non-forgivers should be confrontational, keep picking at the scab, demand explanations, etc.

Just extending my support to those who give thoughtful consideration to every angle, and choose not to forgive. 

It’s a legitimate choice.  

Just the desire you have to forgive means that you are different from your Mom. The fact that you grew up not a narcissist speaks volumes to your character. So why do you have this character and not the character of your mom? You grew up with her, but you're not like her. ?? GOD was with you. And He is with you still. Turn to Him and thank Him for creating you and protecting you through that period of your life. There is a reason...I so, so pray that you will learn to understand that reason one day. But while you're seeking, be grateful that you do not have the same personality disorder that your Mom had. My Mom also was mentally ill through out my childhood and young adulthood and died when I was young. I have resolved it in my mind and my heart with the Lord's help. You will too. One great promise from our God: If you seek Him, you will find Him. Our great God is not hiding, is not stingy, and does not want you to suffer. Blessings Dear Sister....

Mincemeat: That's a good one! I'm going to remember it.

Dear Caretaker13,

I couldn't agree more with what you said. I know too many women who have gotten a serious illness like cancer to realize how much pain we were carrying inside. It is time for some many caregivers to step back and be okay with taking care of ourselves first.

I know its a lot easier said than done. I know I've always been the type to turn myself inside out to appease another person but I realize now what a terrible mistake that can be.

Sending you all love and hugs.

For Kathy, who has taped to her computer desk: "Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace". Take it off, you have already read it. Re-reading it daily only reminds you of the pain. Peace comes with forgetting, not by dwelling on what you have to forgive. Try this: "The peace of God, which passes all understanding, cleanse your heart and mind".

Kryder, I think that most of us that care, have had similar, if not exactly the same as yourself.

I hated for a long time. Not myself but for the abusive alcoholic dad I had. When he died I felt guilty. But at the time I had a young family and other elder family problems I too.

I HAD to move on, for my family and my own mental state. I made a deal with myself. It was not my fault. I had done my very best (which is all we can do) When I realised if wasn't my fault, I stopped feeling as guilty.

I moved on.

I was lucky, I had my young family. Find something. Anything. Church, voluntary work, gardening, scrub floors (that used to work for me when I had PMT. :) ) Smile here.

Come here any time and let it all out. Oh good days tell us. You will be sharing love and that is always good. On bad days come and share. What is it they say? A trouble shared is a trouble halved. Sooooo true.

Hugs and smiles sent to you. Buzzy

I had nearly the same life and mother... I'm working on the forgiving right now... trying to find a way to free MYSELF of all the old, bad, sad, unhappy, crummy "stories" in my mind... while my mother is still alive... and OH! She's STILL living at 97 1/2 years!! I'm sooooo tired of all the old pain. I tried to care for her ("no win" of course) for the past 8-9 years since my good dad died... I couldn't get her to give me a break... at all... and then last year, I got cancer. Don't wait for cancer to give you "permission" to focus on YOU and do what makes you feel GOOD and well and happy.... XOXO

I just saw a little saying on FB: "When the past calls, let it go straight to voicemail. It has nothing new to say!"

Maybe "forgive and forget" means different things to all of us. But at the end of our discussion, it just plain important to move on. We should all look forward and dream of the future!

I have a little poem taped to a picture above my computer and I read it often. It says,
"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace"

Lots of good advice here from other caregivers. I too believe that I have a narcissistic mother and a father that enabled her. I never realized this until after my father’s death and seeing my mother’s change in behavior. You are a step ahead in realizing the narcissistic behavior. My wife and I are currently reading “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” it is actually for daughters of narcissistic mothers but is shedding a lot of light on this subject even as a son this is hard. As a daughter asking you to move out at 18 is scary. You may find some comfort in this book as well. It is written by Dr. Karyle McBride. My wife and I wish you the best in this journey, you deserve it.

I’ve had two ‘forgiveness’ issues, and have not found the sort of forgiveness that effectively says ‘it’s all alright, it doesn’t matter’. It wasn’t all right, and it does matter.

For my father, the shocking thing was that when he died, my sisters and I found it hard to believe that it was all over. The monster was dead and now simply irrelevant. Twenty years later, I just don’t think of him often, only when I am asked about the past.

Suffering a major fraudulent legal claim from neighbours, who are still there on the next property, is different. They made our lives a nightmare for seven years, and now traduce us because they lost. We know that their reputation is appalling widely in the district, but even this still hurts. Revenge would be good, but too risky. All I can do is my best to stop thinking about them. Remove as many triggers as possible.

If you can ‘forgive’, of course it would be pleasant and morally uplifting. Forgetting as much as possible is probably more realistic. Just don’t get caught in a guilt trip because you can’t ‘forgive’.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what that person did was acceptable, but it does set you free and the ability to open your heart.

Exactly Kryder, you’re not alone. That was my biggest discovery when I joined this group.

And you raise a point of paramount importance, BREAKING THE CYCLE! Awareness will hopefully help us to not carry the consequences of narcissism to the next generation. It’s a disease we need to stop!

Thank you all for your great heartfelt advice. Most of it sums up, that I need to forgive myself and move on, or just let time do the work. I also liked the ones about asking and giving it up to God.

I see with my question I’m not alone, and I am so happy about that, not because there are other people being abused, but so we can come together and help stop the cycle in the next generation if possible.

Many hugs to all,

Kryder

I feel your pain, I pondered the same feelings, eventually the I figured things out. Here is my advice it made it easier for me to release my anger and accountability I placed on her when I realized she could never be the mother I needed her to be, it was not something she was ever capable of, I had to grieve the loss of something I always craved but never got. The fact is some parents do not have what it takes to love and support a child the normal way most do, no matter what I would have done I now know this was never about me, my worth or ability, this was her shortfall. My mother did not possess the emotional intelligence and bond required to create and sustain a relationship that I needed and deserved. Once I came to recognize this and allowed myself to grieve about it, I was able to release the feelings and move on. Forgiving is not about letting the other person free from the pain they caused us, it's about releasing the toxic emotions that trap, bind and take over our life when we come to accept we did not lose something rather we missed out. I will not deny it hurts I was not treated as I should have been, I don't repeat this pattern, I make life about how I want it be instead of just reacting to it. My mother was not happy with herself, never would be, I created a life I am proud of, treat people the way I want to be, live not as a victim but a victor of abuse. Release your pain recognizing through grieving it was never there to be had, forgive because your mother didn't have the ingredients to parent the way you deserved, let go of feelings that do you no justice rather linger and inhibit the future you deserve and can create for yourself. Not forgiving is keeping you a victim, free yourself, be the example of what could have been.

Kryder4: I hear you! I really do! You don't have to gush rewards to your mother. You can play the role of actor, if you will. I had to provide out-of-state care for my mother, a woman who kept in communication with a rather bad uncle who had abused me. She also called me "Hitler" because I made her take her medications.

I need the answer too.

I can empathize with your situation, but so much as having a narcissistic Mother as one that used me to do her bidding i.e. helping her with housekeeping and so many other things that my siblings were not required to do.

I am what is referred to as the middle child; if you have taken pysch 101, there is such a thing as the middle child syndrome. My Mother has always called it...Drama Queen or you're imagining these things, that never happened.......

Well they did happen.

I was in the 6th grade and we were required to participate in track/field for P.E. The teacher who was helping the P.E. teacher decided that all of the girls had to do the high jump.

It was my turn and when I landed, I twisted my ankle so bad that I had to be carried to the nurse's office. She called my Mother and since my name is spelled differently than it is pronounced, the nurse used the pronunciation as Diane.

My Mother rushes to the school from her job, walks in and sees me lying on the cot, turns around asking for the school nurse and tells her "if you had told me it was (insert my name here) I would not have rushed so fast". I COULD NOT WALK ON THAT FOOT AT ALL. NO PRESSURE WHATSOEVER ON THAT FOOT.

She called our family doctor and I had to wait for Dad to come home from work (all the while I was in so much pain, but afraid to cry "drama queen") that when the doctor had the x-ray done; told my parents that I would have been better off if I had broken the ankle instead I had a hairline fracture from the bottom of the ankle that it would not do any good to place my foot in a cast.

I had to use crutches, which my Dad brought home from the drug store without me going so as to measure for fit, that it hurt just as bad under my arms as my ankle did. Neither parent would even drive me to school so I had to walk using crutches.

My grandmother came over that weekend and looked at my ankle which was so swollen by this time, I didn't want anybody to touch it. I'd go to my room and cry it hurt so bad. Grandma sent my Dad to the drug store and told him to get some particular suave. She had Mom bring her a pillow case that she tore into strips. Dad got home with this stuff, grandma warmed it and Mom gave her a spatula.

Next thing I know, grandma took off the stretch bandage that was wrapped around my ankle, iced my ankle like a cake with this stuff that looked like smooth peanut butter (felt good because it was warm) wrapped my ankle up with these cotton strips from the pillow case. Within 2-3 days, I was able to walk without those damned crutches. I wasn't allowed to do any P.E. until the doctor approved it, but my grandma took the time to do something old school for me and gave me the attention for an injury that Mom thought was just "drama queen".

I was even punished if I knew my older sister did something (as teenagers) and she was caught. YES, I was grounded etc even though I was not the one that did whatever it was.....GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION.

About 5-6 yrs ago, my younger sister did something that she had to go to prison (white collar crime, same sister the nurse used to pronounce my name back in the 6th grade) telling me that she didn't do what she was accused of doing. Mom didn't have all of the details as to what had happened, so I told her I would research everything since Mom would get upset as she felt none of us ever told her the truth about anything.

I got all of the answers, called Mom (I live out of State) and told her that if she wanted the truth instead of what she had been told I would tell her and I had all of the documentation for her.
Her response: "there you go. You have never liked your ______ and all you want to do is make sure that you are right and everybody else is wrong! You won't be happy unless you are able to prove that ______ never does anything right. I don't want to know what you supposedly found. I don't think _____ did what ____ is accused of doing", SLAMMED the phone down.

This is the same Mother that called me while we were at work (we worked for the same institution/same bldg) and drive her to another city court because _____ was being charged with a crime. Took her to the city court, sat through the hearing and when the Judge asked if there was anyone willing to post bail I had to hold my Mother's hands down. I told her that she wasn't going to take the chance of losing her home over my ______. That ______ could spend what time ____ had to in jail, too bad so sad.

I had to fly in so that I could call the Principal of the grade school where my Dad's then mistress worked. I had to ask if ____was at work. No ____ had called in that day. I then informed the Principal that ______ was in fact in _____ at the ______ motel with my Father. Needless to say, _________ who is now my Father's wife, not my step-mother; I never call her anything that would inferr that she is a part of my family, got her butt in a lot of trouble with the Principal. So much so that my Father threatened ME with legal action.

When any of this is ever brought up by anyone in the family, Mom would say "ooh, ask D______ what happened because she knows everything".

Yes, I do see a therapist. Yes, I do have the guilt of feeling that my Mom AND Dad placed me in this position. Even today, my older ______ has convinced Mom that I am the one who has caused all the family problems to the point that Mom said that she knew I was the reason the doctors kept her in the hospital all of December 2016. She was basically dying from a UTI that had become so bad her kidneys were failing!!!

Our daughter just came back this past week from visiting her former co-workers back home. She stopped to visit Mom for me and because she doesn't know if that would be the last time she would see her grandmother alive. Our daughter is an RN and is very good at hiding her emotions.

She called me and sent text to me about the horrid conditions Mom and my step-father are living. My older ______ has all these social workers thinking that _____ is their 24/7 caregiver. Mom looks like Miss Havesham from Charles Dickins' Great Expectations and the house too. I finally reported this to APS and feel so guilty I cry most nights now. My daughter has a 10m minute video on her cellphone of Mom trying to get up from the sofa to use the bathroom and it took her 10 MINUTES. My _____was not at the home that ____ doesn't pay rent, utilities etc. Our daughter has cried and feels that she should not have moved here, but should have stayed to take care of her grandmother.

Guilt! That was the system that so many Mothers used to get their children under control not only as children, but as adult; only it has worked on me for 64 yrs and my 3 siblings could give a rat's ____.

Guilt! Why do I feel like I do about both Mom and Dad? Why can't I let go of these feelings after all of these years? Why do they still hold things over my head from the past, yet I'm supposed to forgive and forget? What did I ever do to anybody in my family except to make them happy? DAMN, I graduated from high school early because Mom/Dad had become grandparents at the age of 38 while my ___ was still in high school (it was still tabboo then) and Mom was on the edge of having another nervous breakdown. What could I do to make her happy.....I'll graduate early from high school so she's have something better to talk about to her co-workers, friends and family. That lasted about a month if that much.

Guilt! What can I do to help her now? My _____ who lives there doesn't lift a finger to help in any way, but has those that need to know thinking that ___ walks on water. I was at the house a year ago, I've seen the conditions before they became what they have and to the point I finally reported it to Adult Protective Services! I HAD TO REPORT MY ______ TO THE STATE!!!

Guilt! Mom has dementia, who knows what else my _____ has or hasn't done. I do know for a fact that my ____ doesn't make sure that all of the bills are paid. I went through all of the bills stacking up last year and called all of the customer service departments to make sure of what was going on; not my _____ who became so mad with me about it that _____ physically got nose to nose with me and it was all ____ could do to keep from throwing a punch. I told _____ that ____ had 1 chance and 1 chance only if ____ was going to do it.

Guilt! What am I going to do if Mom dies and _______ doesn't tell me or Mom's siblings?

Guilt! The shame that Mom feels when the paramedics have to come to the house, clean her up to take her to the hospital and I'm not there to help her?

Guilt! What/how is all of this effecting my marriage? My husband's Mother is deceased so he never had to go through any thing like this.

Guilt! WHY ME? WHY NOT INCLUDE THE OTHERS? WHY IS IT ME?

It isn't forgiving your Mother as I have learned from my therapist. I can't forgive myself for not being there for her like I have always been and it's out of my control. I can't forgive myself because I can't protect her from my siblings harming her or mistreating her in any way shape or form.

I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive myself and I don't know if I ever will. She is my Mother and it doesn't matter how old one is, you don't treat your Mother like this EVEN if you always wanted to do so.

I don't know if I will ever be able to FORGIVE MYSELF. I have to work on it every day and so far, I'm lucky if I can get through a day or two. Now with what I know is happening in her home; I am so over whelmed with guilt I don't know what else I can do for her at the present. I know what I can do once APS is involved and my siblings will not be happy with me and I don't give a damn!

I will be able to control the situation and do exactly what is best for both my Mom and step-father and they won't be able to do a thing about it.

THAT'S WHEN I WILL BEGIN TO HEAL AND FORGIVE MOM, BUT NOT MY SIBLINGS FOR NOT CARING ENOUGH.

Quilt! IT IS A CONSTANT CIRCLE FOR ME.

Find a therapist who specializes in this area. You should be able to find assistance through the social services provided by your State or your own health insurer. Mental anguish can fester into anxiety causing so many other issues for you.

I pray that you will keep seeking the help you need so as to not just have a bandaid to hold it together, but that you will be able to rip it totally off and be healed.

It is such an amazing story you have and is almost identical to what I am going through with my Mom. I have been living with her (even though i have my own house) and meeting her many needs now for eight plus years. I am worn out. She is never happy and does the guilt tripping on an hourly basis. I am not sure why I ever moved in here; I am really not sure why I stayed this long. It has not done her or myself any good really. She never drove or did anything for herself most of her life because she had seven children to do whatever she wanted: shopping, driving, paying bills, pretty much anything she did not want to do. She is now 90 and uses her skills of manipulation to perfection. She has been married two times and each husband sadly left and were unhappy at the time they passed. I am so sad that she is like this but I think her Mom (my Grandmother) was like this and she does not even know what a narcissist is. I hired a nurse and aides to bathe her because I was not going to let her take me down to that lowest level as she would have demanded perfection in how I bathed her. She did not fool the nurse or aides so they left as the doctor only signed an order for thirty days. The doctor does not seem to acknowledge that she is home bound with severe arthritis and really can't do for herself as far as hygiene and other things. So I am here and she has a will that is stronger than titanium. I guess I am telling you all of this background because I finally decided I have been here this long so I am giving it until my 60th birthday. I started this venture after just 50 and I was a young 50. Now I am an old 59 year old and I have aged physically and mentally. My final thoughts that might help you is that you did what you could and you gave so much in spite of how she was. You were the better person in spite of the background and that means so much. You can now go forward and in time I pray you will let the past go. Please do not waste another minute of that time because one year could turn into many more and you will have wasted each of the amazing days that life gives us. I plan on making it to the end of this journey and not wasting a second ever again. That is the lesson this has taught me. It is one I wish I hadn't spent almost ten years to learn but I did learn this and I am grateful for this lesson. God bless and have wonderful days the rest of your life.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and what you've had to suffer. Here's what has helped me forgive some pretty big things in my life. I've decided that forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is not a feeling. You choose to forgive the person, and then you can begin to grieve all the hurt and pain they caused you. You are not holding it against them. It is a choice to release them (and that releases you). I was keeping it all bottled up, and my therapist told me to deal with it every now and then...cry some tears, and mourn what was lost, but don't live in that sad place. You may carry a bit of that sadness with you for the rest of your life, but eventually it will be like carrying a small stone in your pocket instead of a huge brick. I hope that makes sense. I think this is one reason the bible tells us to forgive because it's healing to us. Just give it time.

I would suggest that you move your focus away from "forgiveness." Instead, determine your core beliefs -- what is your life's purpose, where do you find your inner strength, do you believe in a power greater than yourself, and what are your core values. Each of us is separate from anyone else, each has our own journey to travel, and each of us has our own challenges to meet and lessons to learn. Your mother's journey was far different from yours, and her perspective on life would also be different from yours. We need only be concerned with our relationship with God (or the higher power you believe in.) How we interact with others is part of our journey, but "forgiveness" cannot be forced. I believe it will come in some form or other as you find your own personal perspective of life. I don't know if this site will allow it, but I'd like to recommend you read "Gentle Caregiver: Practical Advice and Support for Family Caregivers" (on Amazon). The first chapter is devoted to finding perspective and how this effects your journey as a caregiver and through life in general. I am the author and only wish to help others; I'm not trying to make a sale. I wish you the very best!

We as humans have a problem letting go of any pain others cause us. If you are religious, turn this over to God. Ask for his help and then let him handle it. Stop trying to take it back. Your shoulders are only so big and so strong. He will be there for you.

Kryder4
Maybe worth a try: Pick a date in the near future to "be done with the guilt & anger of it all." How about April 1st? Oh the irony!

Use the rubber band trick & letter writing method starting NOW to help you to your goal date. Both VERY doable to at least try.

Am so grateful I found this site....all of your responses are insightful & helpful for me as well. Thank you all ....xxx000

You might try to think of your treatment as the result of your mom's never diagnosed mental illness (and it could very well be that). Or, it might be simply that your mom was treating you (assuming she treated all her children the same) like she was treated -- most people only do what they know to do, what they have experienced, and think that's the way things should be done.
Your siblings' attitude could be a simple matter of selfishness -- that's a very common trait in today's society ("me first" and "I'm always right").
In any event, time will ease the pain - I've lost a brother, both parents, and a husband. I don't think you ever lose the hurt and loss, they just gradually lose their constant presence and impact on you -- that will also happen with resentment. The brain is logical, but emotions and feelings are not.

I am going to be 85 years old soon and have lived a tough, heartbreaking life. However, I managed to survive and be successful in the things that are important. Along the way I learned that there are some people and situations you can never, ever forget or forgive. It is said to forgive is to give yourself peace but, as I said, in some cases the harm that was done by someone else to you is just too great to forgive. Do not beat yourself up because you are unable to forgive. You tried and tried but couldn't forgive. Remember, you are a human being, not God. Let it go Put the bad memories and situations way, way out of your memory as best you can. Go and do now the things that make YOU happy and do it with people who make YOU happy. Remove yourself from all negativity by removing from your life "bad" people. You can do it. I did. It works.

I can empathize with your story and maybe the best part is just being able to tell it, sometimes talking about it is a relief within itself and sharing with others. I’m going through something similar with my father but he is still alive I want to run 100 miles the other direction but the guilt keeps me living an hour away from him. It’s like being in a dysfunctional relationship with a boyfriend yet you can’t pull yourself away. Sometimes getting advice works, opening up being able to talk to share your feelings. Being comfortable to share is a relief within itself . It sounds like She could’ve been very depressed and didn’t seek help that is not your fault you can only control your self. I keep telling myself the same thing that there something wrong with my father mentally and only he can do something about it. You deserve the happiness you didn’t have worrying about your mother never feel guilty about that. Your share just now helped me so just know that when you share with others it helps alleviate that anger! you’re helping others from what you’ve gone through... just by opening up and sharing so thank you:). I do believe talk therapy works sometimes talking is better than listening to other opinions. The fact that you shared your story on this site is a good road to recovery. When you’re ready to forgive it will come naturally maybe you’re just not ready yet. You can’t force yourself but being open like you have been is a great step forward. You cannot go back in time but you can certainly move forward at whatever pace you choose. I’m sure your share on this site has helped some others that have read it just like it helped me.

Personally I don't believe forgiveness is applicable unless the abuser sincerely deeply feels true remorse. I'm sorry for what you went through- my own mother was a raging narcissist as long as I recall as well as a past boyfriend was very mentally as well as physically violent to me. Neither one is remorseful- my mother a narcissist isn't able to even admit or acknowledge what she did and has zero remorse so no I can't forgive someone who isn't even sorry I leave it Gods hands. My ex said he was sorry but showed through comments he made he didn't take responsibility for beating me and kind of tried to shift the blame to me for "making him mad"-- well everyone gets mad at their partners sometimes but as almost a 50 yr old man he didn't have to choose to beat me for it... so his comments showed me he isn't torn up or truly remorseful of choosing to abuse me for almost three years so that's just my belief- I believe forgiveness is given after the person acknowledges and is remorseful of what they did.
Maybe an option is you could just put your own well being and self care as the goal and give yourself the life and nurturing she didn't and still according to your post doesn't. Wishing you the best and healing too

Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. Forgive your mother, (she may not be able to help herself) so forgive her, do it for yourself. Don't go through life feeling guilty or unworthy. You are a wonderful person, never forget that. You deserve to be happy. Be happy. Don't let the mental or emotional problems of others taint your life or self-worth. Love yourself first, then you can love others.