My 4 Sister In-laws are moving my MIL to a new facility where they are convinced that her Dementia will be “cured” if she is with residents that are more “with it” ( I hate that term). I have tried to explain that it is a progressive disease and cannot be cured. They ignore my recommendations, although I took care of my mom for 2.5 years when she developed Alzheimer’s. At this point MIL cannot dress herself, or take care of any personal hygiene. She can sit next to a ringing phone and not know to pick it up; can’t use a tv remote. Her physical health is deteriorating. She cannot get up from a chair independently nor does she have strength to use a walker. She has AFIB, UTI issues and is a fall risk. I agree that her current AL facility is no longer able to care for her. I believe she needs a skilled nursing facility. However, my sisters in law are moving her to a small AL facilty because they blame all her ills on the current AL place. New place is staffed by CNA/LPN and a part time RN. If she had a medical emergency, they would need to call 911 as they can’t treat her. The Doctor on call would not be able to get to her fast enough and is not on staff, only for routine health checks. She is 92. I apologize for this rant, but I am so frustrated and upset . My husband tells me to let them be, and just step back. I do want to add one more thing, I visit her often and have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. The sisters do not not visit often, although they are nearby. Seems that my Golden Retriever is the only one I can talk to...
This is their mom and perhaps they are in denial about the disease and the requirements to manage it. The disease will progress regardless of where she lives.
Your best bet is to visit MIL and enjoy your special bond.
We don’t all get to the same point at the same time. Sometimes I think the denial is in part from fear that what our parents fate is will become our own.
In the larger scheme it won’t matter too much as long as her basics are met.
She is blessed to have a large number of women who care for her. Your role in this may be to demonstrate calm and peace and love. You are freed up to be the DIL and not the caretaker. That’s a blessing to MIL right there. Don’t waste your energy trying to convince them.
If you haven’t already, pick up the book “ Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande. It might help.
Actually, a place where the other residents are more "with it" as you said, may not be for the best. My LO was like that in a regular AL. It wasn't good. She did much better when she transferred to a Secure Memory Care facility. They had much more assistance, supervision and knowledge on how to manage the care of someone with dementia.
Didn't the facility require an assessment to see if they could meet MIL's needs? If they can't, they'll let the sisters know and they'll have to relocate her. It's a shame they won't listen. Too bad that someone who is more informed is not in charge of her healthcare decisions. I wonder what her doctor thinks of it.
( there was a copy of the form on their website along with all the paperwork). When the meeting was over, he asked to discuss the assessment. He was told he would be contacted. Still waiting... meanwhile, a care plan meeting was held at her current facility and he was not told about it.
Like said, let them find out. Her "rent" will be determined by how much care she needs. Also, the move may cause problems. People who suffer from Dementia don't do well with change.
Visit, be a constant for her. Help SILs when you can. There will be care meetings and Moms progress will be brought up.
My three brothers and I all have my mother's health care POA; we can act individually or together. I know my mother wanted us all to act as a committee, with the majority vote deciding the course of action (this was a previous health care POA).
My mother's NH is wanting to put her on comfort care. I tended to agree (I'm the only one who is local). One of my brothers seemed to be heading that way, too. But the two brothers who are least involved did not want that (yet), and when there was a decision to be made on whether or not to hospitalize her a week later, we were split 2 - 2. The default WAS to send her to the hospital, since comfort care wasn't agreed upon. So to the ER she went. (Turns out she came back to the NH that evening.)