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My mother and father both came from large families. My mom was the oldest of 8 and died just two weeks ago. Talk about a blow. She was diagnosed with her third round of cancer (beat two) only 5.5 weeks before hand. I traveled back to be with her (I live across country) and immediately her brothers and sisters started in on me. She was clearly dying and they were telling me how wonderful their relationship was with her and how she lit up when they visited. She was rude and horrible to me, telling me I was wasting money and to go home. I know that was the disease and meds talking but dang it hurt.



After she had a stroke and her kidneys failed, we were told hospice would be the best for her. My father and I made that decision after seeing her having to be restrained to stop from hurting herself. She was in horrible pain, out of her head, and screaming for me to stop people from hurting her. I remained strong for my dad but I will never forget that.



My mother's brother (we'll call him Steve) and sister (we'll say Tammy) wanted to be a part of the decision making. However, I refused and said the decision was my father's and that I was simply going to ensure he was okay making such decisions. When we returned to her room and I spoke to the brothers and sisters, Steve and Tammy told me I was being selfish and cruel to move her from the hospital to a hospice facility. They said I didn't love her and that I was going to cause her pain. I realize they were hurting but it really stung given that Steve said something similar to my mom when their mother passed away back in the 1980s.



At the funeral Steve refused to speak to me and shot me dirty looks at the pictures I chose for the video. He told my father that the obituary was poorly written and that I had been rude to him.



I spoke to my father about maybe moving across country to live with me. I could use his looking after me and of course vice versa. Steve, Tammy, and the rest have told me I am horrible for suggesting that. They said they will take him on and that I should quit my job to care for him full time. I'm not married. I have no children. I can't just quit my job and become a nurse. My aunt told me to get a job as a cashier and that would be better for my dad.



My father wants to try to live alone. He will for the next three months and then he's coming to visit me for 2-3 months. I told him we will see where we both are then and see if we can make it work. However, I again feel like this is between him and me, not his in-laws who are really making me angry.



I don't know how to cope with this. My father is going to be depending on these people for rides to the doctors he sees and small things. I will be managing his life the best I can from a distance. However, they want him to sign over power of attorney to them instead of me. They said they want to care for him and "will let me know" if I need to know anything. I have barely had time to react to my mother's death because I am on the defensive about these people.



Tammy basically told me the day of the funeral that my mother was like a mother to them and I would not ever understand their grief. I didn't realize it was a contest. I didn't realize I had seven new siblings when I was an only child. Tammy ran around the funeral checking on each of them and hugging them. She came up to me and asked if my dad was okay and if he was joining them for lunch. They are texting me to ask about dad but none have yet to ask about me or offer me any condolences. I don't know what to do at this point.



Do I insist Dad moves?
Do I let them take over his life and push me out?
Do I ignore them and continue to care for him long distance?
How do I figure out how to grieve and not go off on these awful people?

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Oh my gosh. Well, I'm an only child as well. I do have a half sister from my dad's brief previous marriage. I lost my dad suddenly 2 years ago. My mom's dementia began to spiral with the added depression over losing her husband of 60 years. I've had to step in and do everything for my mom. I always discuss things with her at a time when she is more lucid. Her siblings began filling her head with ideas that I was trying to take her money. Her handyman already manipulated her out of what little she did have. There was only one $10k policy. They still had a mortgage and an equity loan. I had to take over bill paying. And I make sure she has everything she needs and wants and everything to make her feel safe in her home with her pets. My half sister began a hate campaign against me the day after our dad died. Telling me I was the most selfish person she knew. But never explaining why. Never saying anything in fact. She blocked me on Facebook and blocked my phone from calling her. I spent a year crying and wracking my brain , trying to figure out what I said or did to cause her and Mom's siblings to suddenly think the worse of me. They all keep in touch with Mom but have criticism about me. But never come visit or offer help. I refer to them as armchair quarterbacks. I too am single and no kids. I'm caring for my mom the best I know how, and I make decisions based on what I know "old Mom" would have wanted and after I've given things a great deal of thought, taking everything into consideration. But I AM HER NEXT OF KIN. HER ONLY CHILD. Just as you are your dad's only child. You know what is best for your dad and I'm sure have discussed it all with him. Don't let other family members bully you. It is so hard and I've lost too much sleep, cried too many tears over what other family members think. I hate that it's that way. But that is their choice. Sometimes the death of a loved one brings out the worst in people. Yet others, keep their heads and wits about them and hold their heads high, and do what is right, and keeping their dignity along the way. Do what you know is right for your dad. Don't let ANYONE push you out. Ignore them and take care of Dad. As far as learning to grieve in the face of all this...let me know if you figure that one out. Best of luck to you. Stay strong, stay kind and loving to your dad, and realize that you are living your parent's legacy. Do what your parents would want you to do. And do what would make them proud. Your relatives certainly are not honoring your mom's memory. Honor her every day. Do what you know in your heart is right.
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I’m dealing with the same problem. Dad has 9 siblings… all of them in their 80s & 90s. All of them very opinionated and bossy.

Establishing boundaries while acknowledging their grief with all the changes helped me.

Here are some tools/tips to help with the conversations.

I end up repeating some of her a lot when I feel they’re trying to out talk me into changing my mind about decisions I’ve made with my Dad. it’s especially effective when I make the statement and go silent with a smile. If they start again I strongly suggest we change the subject. It’s worked wonders with 2 of my aunts that are the family bullies. And I’m okay with them being angry because I’m not trying to make them happy, only my dad.

As for his care.,, don’t let them take over. Try to get him to come live with you. You’ll be happier in the long run. Ignore his siblings.

If he refuses to live with you, do the long distance route. It’s not easy but it can be done.

I hope this helps and good luck.

Boundaries: 

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries.

Family members:

• ask permission.

• take one another’s feelings into consideration.

• are honest and direct.

• clearly communicate their wants, needs, and feelings.

• give each other space.

• avoid codependent behaviors.

• show respect for differing perspectives, opinions, and feelings.

Here are some phrases that might help: 
Excerpt from the setting healthy boundaries worksheet link below: 

“I appreciate your concern, but this is my decision.” 

“I respect your opinion, but I don’t share it.”

“I will no longer be in the middle of family conflict.”

“Please stop asking/saying/doing _________.”

“I understand your frustration, but I am choosing __________.”


What are boundaries?
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-are-boundaries/

Setting Healthy Boundaries
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Setting-Healthy-Boundaries-with-Family-Members_ad_040622-1.pdf
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I used to want some help, but after reading your situation...I'm glad they all disappeared....Just pray, a lot....you were trying to use common sense and obviously, they had none...
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My heart aches for you, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, my most sincere condolences. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with regarding these very meddlesome family members. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Under no circumstances should you should grant any of them power of attorney over your father, you should have this. Have a discussion with your dad, discuss what POA entails, it sounds like he is still mentally competent to understand. Since your dad wants to try to live alone for awhile, I highly recommend reaching out to elder services in the community your dad resides. They will be a valuable resource regarding services including home care, housekeeping, transportation, etc. Also, I strongly advise becoming a joint signer on your dad's bank accounts (if you're not already). Your dad will need to be with you, simply go to your local bank branch and let them know of the intent to make the accounts joint owner. This will greatly simplify things for you should your dad become incapacitated and is no longer able to manage his finances. It will also allow you to manage his accounts on line since you're out of state. Finally, I think you should also discuss having your dad live with you. When he comes to visit you should ask him. Again, so sorry for what you're dealing with, best to you, and Godspeed to you and your dad, cherish your relationship with him.
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Reading your story through your questions and replies caused me to recall some similar memories.

I also was criticized about an obituary (too long = $$$) and had family members make inappropriate contacts in an attempt to change a funeral that they refused to originally help plan. These are all red flags; this is strange behavior and shows a lack of ability to respect boundaries and work together as a team. Don’t let them push you around, there are significant respect and “control” issues.

Loving, caring family would say, “we fully support you,” “we are here for you” and “thank you for being such a wonderful child to my sister..”

You are so wonderful to stand by, protect and care for your parents in life and death.
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LearningtoLive: I am sorry for the loss of your mother and send condolences. Do not tolerate the rude behavior of these individuals. Do not act in kind fashion.
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I am so sorry for your loss. It is times like these that you suddenly realize how protected you were from all that "family toxicity".

So they think Dad just loves them a lot? That can happen to these people. He probably was just civil to them. My Mom thought that anyone that didn't argue with her, just was totally enamored with her (hah!).

I would not expect your Dad to look after you. He can help you around the house, however, saying things like "I can look after Dad" or "Dad can look after me", just reinforces to other relatives that you are not a mature, independent individual. He is neither a slave nor a child at this stage.

I understand your Dad wanting to live separately and independently from you. A parent who is able to live life respectably, doesn't really want to be a bother to their kids. What I would suggest is to look at independent living or senior homes near you or in his area. Soon, your Dad will need companionship and if he stays at his dwelling, he cannot help but be influenced by your relatives. (Think of a lone person with 5 wolves circling around the person.)

An independent living center could provide some companionship and activities with others who are not interested in taking over his life. If he doesn't want to move, you might need to help him assimilate into other activities in his area. Maybe he can volunteer. You don't say how old he is and whether he can drive or not, however, Meals-on-Wheels and other elderly food delivery services really could use his help, and provide some structure to his life.

If the independent living center is in his own city, at least he won't be relying on these well-meaning relatives for everything. If he moves close to you, you can visit, check in on him, yet allow him to lead an independent life while you also have your own independent life.

Find out what kind of health insurance he has and do your research. If he moves his address to a different state, his health insurance might have different coverages, maybe better, but also, maybe not so good.

I do want to caution you about your relatives. Your Dad could be okay with the relatives bulldozing his life. Somehow, you need to allow him to live the life that he wants to live, regardless of what you think. You need to stay respectful of his decision, even if it isn't the one that you would choose or one that is potentially has many challenges. The way I would look at it is, that you need to allow him to be the teenager getting his bearings, while you are the gentle parent who just ensures that he doesn't get into any harm.

If he moves, he probably will need help moving. Be prepared for a lot of "waffling". This is a tough time for him too with a lot of memories, however, I'm sure you already are aware of that.
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Learningtolive, you have my most sinccondolsnces. After reading your post, my heart hurt for you and your Dad... Hopeforhelp22, THIS!! You are SO correct in everything you have stated. This poor woman is grieving and NEEDS to grieve. Her Mother's death is so fresh.
Learningtolive, grieving doesn't have an end date. Grieving doesn't just disappear one day. Grieving changes over time as we learn to accept, adjust, and heal. TIME, suppport, care, concern, and healing is what you need. Even some grief therapy/couseling when you feel ready (just don't wait too long). Your relatives sound TERRIBLE, unkind, unsupportive, jealous, and selfish.
This is YOUR Father. He is her aunt and uncles BROTHER-IN-LAW; however, he is NOT their brother. Remind everyone who oversteps. You need to be in charge of your Dad and continue as his financial and medical POA. You and your Dad need time, need to communicate, to lean on each other, grieve, and g
adjust as best you both can.
I agree with you to give Dad a bit of time at his home. Stick with your plan to take him to your home home for a few months; see how you both feel and are adjusting at your home. Then have him move to your state permanently. Potentially move into your home together, and/or discuss with him his feelings about moving to an assisted living or senior community.
As hard and sad as this is, you've got this! Know that you are being responsible, supportive to your Dad, reasonable, rational, and doing what is best for you AND your Dad.
I wish you all the best and will keep youabnd your Dad in my prayers.
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First, no one gets POA for him. You can handle that from where ever you are. You don't need them signing documents for him about anything financial. Tell all the relatives that you are his child and will be included in EVERY aspect of his life - not what they think you should know. Clearly these folks can be rude to you - ignore it, you can't change them. You can nip it in the bud on their suggestions: Dad and I will decide the future together.

You and dad have a plan. He wants to stay there for a few months and then visit with you. Leave as is. He needs time to adjust to losing his wife before he tries to make another adjustment about location.

If there is too much drama with them driving him around or other errands, then you'll need to line up other transportation. Arrange uber type pick up, a friend, someone else. Once he repeats things to you that the relatives said to him about you, you'll know it's time to make other transportation arrangements. Grocery delivery, Rx delivery are a few of the things you can handle remotely.
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Hi Learningtolive - Sending you my deepest condolences about the loss of your mom. It's all a lot to take in and it's so important to take the time for yourself - to be kind to yourself - and whatever you need to go thru your own grieving process.

These family members sound horrible - they should have been a loving support to you and the fact that they've shown their colors in the way they have is really all you need to know regarding any future conduct from them ...they'd cause more conflict than help. That said, after a significant loss, it's really important, if possible, not to make any major life decisions. After your dad visits you for a few months, you both may have more clarity on next steps for the best result. I don't feel under any circumstances you should relinquish your POA role to them or anything else. And, rather than their involvement, would you consider looking into assisted living communities for him?

The family you described sound so untrustworthy and terrible, that the least you can do to rely on them, the better - they don't treat you well...and if that's family, then I'll stick to friends any day. I have very few good family members, myself.

wishing you all the best ~
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Loralovesbread1 Apr 2023
Learningtolive, you have my most sinccondolsnces. After reading your post, my heart hurt for you and your Dad... Hopeforhelp22, THIS!! You are SO correct in everything you have stated. This poor woman is grieving and NEEDS to grieve. Her Mother's death is so fresh.
Learningtolive, grieving doesn't have an end date. Grieving doesn't just disappear one day. Grieving changes over time as we learn to accept, adjust, and heal. TIME, suppport, care, concern, and healing is what you need. Even some grief therapy/couseling when you feel ready (just don't wait too long). Your relatives sound TERRIBLE, unkind, unsupportive, jealous, and selfish.
This is YOUR Father. He is her aunt and uncles BROTHER-IN-LAW; however, he is NOT their brother. Remind everyone who oversteps. You need to be in charge of your Dad and continue as his financial and medical POA. You and your Dad need time, need to communicate, to lean on each other, grieve, and g
adjust as best you both can.
I agree with you to give Dad a bit of time at his home. Stick with your plan to take him to your home home for a few months; see how you both feel and are adjusting at your home. Then have him move to your state permanently. Potentially move into your home together, and/or discuss with him his feelings about moving to an assisted living or senior community.
As hard and sad as this is, you've got this! Know that you are being responsible, supportive to your Dad, reasonable, rational, and doing what is best for you AND your Dad. I wish you all the best.
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my condolences for the loss of your mother.

it sounds like you have a very good relationship with your father. I’ve read a few of the other posts, and being the doctors think your dad‘s ability to live on his own is short term, my thoughts are I would make plans for him to move out with you. Before the others can poison him against you. Sounds like you’ve just kind of kept your head down and kept going. Sounds like that’s what you should continue to do - what’s best for your dad and yourself. God bless
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I believe that the person who needs help needs to move where the help is. If your Dad wants to stay and let his in laws look after him then that’s his decision, and his right. A move may be too much for him to deal right now in the early days of his grief but he may decide being near you is better for him after he has had a little time. It is not your responsibility to uproot your life and move across the county, and you have every right to tell your aunts and uncles to bugger off. They sound like horrible people. I would have a conversation with your dad about POA. I would urge him NOT give it to any of them.
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Yes, that family will be toxic to your dad and may take out on your dad any resentment they have towards you! They don’t sound trustworthy from what you say!
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My mother’s family was like this—second generation immigrant family who lived as a clan and had the full expectation that no one would ever move away. And had the expectation that the children would Build their lives around their parents in a very unhealthy way.

My parents were not as supportive as yours about my moving away. My mother’s constant insistence, for over 30 years, that husband and I “needed to move home to take care of them”, became very damaging.

My comment to add is that, while there were many extended family members around my parents, no one ever lifted a finger to actually HELP them in any material way. No meals when they were sick, no coming alongside, no real visiting. Maybe a visit every month, and that stopped as their health declined, as they didn’t want to be involved in anything hard or messy. Just calls to me about out how bad things were. So the “family taking care of each other” in this clan was a sham.

So we were at a stalemate—parents refusing to move closer to me or my brother (which I understand), but also refusing to structure life in a way where they could manage without their children doing things for them. For instance, they fired the lawn care and snow removal companies I hired—and paid for—insisting neighbors wanted to take care of those things, and the hired labor didn’t do a good job. And of course, any discussion about moving to an easier to care for place or assisted living was totally shut down.

I could go on and on, but bottom line, they refused to engage in any process that would enable them to be reasonably self-sufficient. In their defense, I don’t think they knew how. But while they were surrounded by the family my mom refused to leave, this family was truly of no material help.

I suggest you watch over the next months to see how well they actually take care of your dad if he wants to stay, after the initial shock of your mom’s death, when their lives go back to “normal”. Maybe they will! At least for awhile.

With my family’s history, I have given much thought to this, and I think the world has changed. All of us need to manage our old age so that the demands on our children are as minimal as possible, IMO. As most everyone on this board says, be very careful about sacrificing your own life. Most children are happy to do a lot for parents. But needs and demands cannot become irrational or unreasonable. That line will be different for everyone, for every situation.

One more thought—when your father comes to visit you, physically take him to the places he might live. Do tours, eat where he would eat. Life in assisted living is pretty much all in the building, and it doesn’t much matter if it’s in your town or his. It helped my mom a lot to see the places, that they were fun and happy.
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They sound toxic. You should go no contact. Change your number if you have to.
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Dad wants to try and stay. Finances are protected. He is physically safe with several sets of volunteer eyes on him all with a “we can do better than you” attitude? You will see the absolute gold here if you change perspective. Let them “win” with the exception of the money. I suspect the imagined prize of showing you up will be less satisfying than they expect. I’m sorry for your loss.
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LearningtoLive Apr 2023
Working on that. I have to be careful with letting them win anything, as they are bad with boundaries. For example, at the funeral I had to pick out music. I was so upset and floundering with other decisions and thoughts that I asked one aunt to pick out a song she thought mom liked or would have liked. She planned eight songs and sent them ahead of the funeral director without speaking to my dad or me. She then proceeded to ask the funeral director for the contact information about the two men performing the ceremony and proceeded to talk to them about messaging. One of them approached me, as he was uncomfortable about it. She and others see a request for help as an open door and bombard it.

I'm now well aware of why my mother had not wanted her siblings to know of her illness in the first place. I'm facing the brunt of that decision and being blamed.

If they want to take him to doctors' appointments or bring him dinner, I'm all for it. However, I will be keeping that leash tight and keeping my eye out for any sign that they are attempting to make or influence decisions that are his to make. I don't want to make those decisions for him. I just know he is not always aware of his choices and the implications so I try to be a voice of understanding for him.
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You have come through (and are still in) the eye of a hurricane.

Standing beside a loved one through their death is torturous. Many of us have survived this. The sharp painful unspeakable memories you write about will soothe over time. You made the right choices. You will be comforted by the warmth of your love for your mom when the acute pain and horrors of her illness and passing subside. Time does heal and bring peace. Focus on your dad and that distraction will be a great crutch as you heal and a help to him in his pain.

As you make your next decisions, edit out the noise and listen only to the voices of the people you respect and who matter (including foremost, your own, your dad, professionals, etc.). You and your dad had the legal right to make all the decisions (for a reason) and you can see that nothing appropriate could have been accomplished if more people had been allowed to weigh in. The relatives’ bad behavior has discredited them for future decision making. Don’t let them in your head and don’t let them impact any choices. Also… Don’t let them rob you of knowing -in your mind-that you have made the right choices thus far.

These family members are like the personified trees in the “Wizard of Oz” that tried to hold back and pull Dorothy and her friends down and derail the journey. (It sounds like a witch and a couple chanting guards may have shown up too.). You may have even seen that the mighty and powerful Oz is just a middle aged guy making up stuff and is not worthy of your praise. What a wonderful metaphor Frank Baum gave us for the struggles of life.

Buckle your seat belt for any distribution of belongings and the estate. This was the ugliest part in my family and even led to lawsuits - there were more flying monkeys grabbing stuff than “good guys.” Keep in mind that the lion thought he had no courage, but he was the bravest one.

Sending you hugs, healing, peace and comfort. ❤️
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LearningtoLive Apr 2023
I appreciate the comments about the "Wizard of Oz." That is quite fitting.

Thanks!
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Good Morning,

First of all, I think it's great that more than one person wants to assist with your dad. In all honesty, the one's who are out-of-state do love their parent(s) but it's a different relationship when you are in the trenches on a continuous basis.

I probably have a different slant on this but if you can take just one thing away from my writing, then it was not in vain.

Your relatives probably consider you on the outside looking in. Is it really a viable plan to uproot dad and move him when there is a "clan" around him at the present time when he needs support. I like your idea of 2-3 months of staying with you, if it's feasible. If his health holds out and what kinds of doctor's
will he need, if any and will he know anyone? Will it just be you and him. He is going to need a life. A "new normal".

Basically, it sounds like at least your relatives are showing up! They say after a death (whoever "they" are) don't make any major decisions for at least a year.

It's harder on the man, when the woman goes first. Oftentimes, they don't fare well. Word gets out when there is an available man. That another's consideration. These things do happen--lots of casserole dishes! Dad may call and say guess what, I met someone in line at the buffet on a cruise and she just lost her spouse too.

You are not always going to get a group consensus and blessing with every decision you make for your father. A lot of people do not understand Hospice care. When a loved one dies you need as much support as you can get. Off-the-cuff comments about an obit or photo, this is not the time or place to throw stones. Brush it off but don't write them off either.

Is it practical to have an out-of-state POA overseeing your father when you are not with him on a consistent basis? I don't know. It depends on the dynamics of the family. It doesn't sound like a good idea to me. The "technology" of checking in with dad is not the same as sitting alongside a loved and breaking bread or sitting in the wait room because the doctor is behind schedule.

This is probably going to be a group effort. In all honesty, I think you are going to need these people, called "family". We all have these relatives that show up wearing the stripped shirt along with plaid pants and you say to yourself, don't they know the fashion rules. Join the Club honey, this is what family is all about.

This may not be as bad as you think. Of course, when a loved one dies everyone reacts differently. Tempers flare, every family is the same. Don't refuse any help.
You are an only child, you need them. It's going to be hard doing this solo, especially if you are both in different states. I would NOT write off the relatives, just let the dust settle.

There is nothing wrong with being a cashier but again I don't know what type of work you presently do. You really have to think everything through and maybe re-think their offers. You are not in a bad position. You basically are out-of-state just like half the country. This is quite common today. But that doesn't mean you love your father any less.

No one wants to be made to feel that they are not making good decisions. You need support right now.

You can make gradual changes along the way. What may work now may need to be re-worked a year from now. It's not a one-size fits all answer for bereavement and now that Mom's gone, "what do we do with dad"?

You are in my prayers...
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LearningtoLive Apr 2023
I appreciate that. I am not opposed to their helping if it actually happens. So far it has consisted of a single phone call to him.

As for me quitting my job to be a cashier as suggested by the aunt, I have no issue if someone does that. I won't. I have five degrees, including a PhD and am partially disabled (physically) myself. I found it to be a ridiculous idea on her part and proof that she does not know anything about me. Me moving back there is out of the question. I will never do that for my own mental health alone. I despise that place, the people, and the general way of life. Her siblings can do as they will, but they won't be invited or permitted to have any control over my life. I avoided them and tolerated them when they could not be avoided for the sake of my mother. To be honest, I don't have the motivation to even tolerate them now. The thoughts of them send me into a panic attack and have me feeling physically ill.

Yes, it would be hard on him to move here. However, moving here or not, his group of friends is smaller and smaller as he ages and people die off. It isn't going to be easy any place. So long as his health holds (mental, physical, and emotional), I'm willing to do what I have to do to keep him happy and safe where he is located. However, as my therapist said yesterday, if he needs to be moved, it is easier to do so before it becomes a necessity. So this will be revised often.

In terms of the POA, it is me or them. My father's siblings are almost all gone and his nieces and nephews aren't looking to take on another aging relative. I don't and he doesn't trust my mother's relatives with such things as money or health decisions. These aren't people who understand boundaries. I would literally be left on the outside and getting an occasional phone call about my dad rather than an active participant in his life.

This is a big shift for me to go from complete independence to caring for my dad long distance. Keeping up with his doctors' appointments alone is taking up time and energy that I didn't anticipate. However, I accept that responsibility and know that is what I want to do to help him. I am able to shop for him, have meals delivered, talk to him frequently, and even navigated through some paperwork with the help of a friend in the area.

As I told dad, I don't come by caring for others naturally. I don't have any children. I don't even do pets. So it is a learning curve and I'm aware the goal posts are going to change. I am trying to heal myself with the help of my therapist in the hopes that me being emotionally stronger will make it easier to support him too.
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I'm sorry for your mother's loss. Do Not Quit Your Job to get a cheaper job and move over for some idiotic behavior relatives. Stop seeing your relatives who are disrespectful and causing a disaster zone. No excuses for their behavior.
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dear learningtolive,

you're a good, kind person. keep following your gut.

and, i also want to re-post this quote i posted:
"Some of the most poisonous people
come disguised as friends and family."

---
have a great easter!! ❤️🙂
breathe in the good.
exhale the bad, the stress.
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How much time have you spent with your parents and your mother's relatives over the years? I mean before your late mother's last illness (and I'm sorry for your loss).

Don't do anything at all for now. You lost your mother two weeks ago, and it was a hard passing. Neither you nor your father should be attempting major decisions for at least another couple of weeks. Have you returned home yet?
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LearningtoLive Apr 2023
I fly back tomorrow.

For the first years of my life we were very close to my mom's siblings. Then it all fell apart over money disputes with my grandparents' deaths. My mother reconnected with her siblings when I was a young adult and I tried to be a part of their lives at that time. However, the older I have gotten, the more I have seen them for the problems they present. About 10 years ago I just quit seeing them except for the occasional one on one visit.

My mother was always very private and kept putting off telling her siblings she was sick. I made the decision when I saw that the end of her life was near. I felt they should know and that she would be very angry if she had been in the dark about such a thing in their own health. She didn't tell me she was upset about it, but I sort of guess she was based on previous interactions. I knew calling them in would mean they would try to take over so in that way I was prepared. I just wasn't prepared for how cruel they would be to me.

I don't want to pressure my father. His doctors have agreed that he is capable of living alone for now. My concerns for him are that relying on her relatives will be unsustainable and unreliable. From experience they jump in all hands on deck and then slowly tire of the jobs and blame each other. Secondly the two who are most likely to help are likely to try to wrestle control from me and keep me in the dark.

As an example, in the hospital room was a dry erase board with my mom's name, goals, etc. It also included information about who to contact in an emergency. My aunt continually erased my name and phone number (my father's lack of understanding of a cell phone meant I needed to take such calls) and replaced it with her own. I finally asked the nurse to remove the marker from the room so that she couldn't replace it. When I confronted my aunt after the fourth incident of this, she said she didn't know how they got her information on the board. Yeah because the nurses just pulled it out of their butts?

I spoke to the hospice facility specifically about this. My aunt spent the night when my mom passed away, as my father was too tired to stay any longer so I took him home. I expected a call from the nurse or social worker, but instead it was my aunt calling. I never heard from hospice at all. In the end it doesn't matter, but that was a blow in of itself. I'm glad my mom wasn't alone.

I think the plan for him to try things on his own for a few months is good. Then he can come visit me and try out "living" there instead of vacation like visits with mom. My schedule in the summer means I work 4 day weeks and have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. I also can work from home a day a week at least.
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Two issues, your late mother and your relations.

My mother also said to me “you shouldn’t be here” when she was dying of cancer. She had decided to die at home, and I moved in for the last weeks. She saw me as the ‘capable clever one’, more than my siblings who were not local anyway, and she wanted to carry her problems on her own. The doctor said “That’s what she’s doing now” and M did accept it when there was no real option. Forget the ‘mean’, it may have been quite different in her head.

Regarding the relations, your father also came from a large family, but it sounds as though M’s family more or less adopted him when they married. They have been close to him through M, and perhaps feel like they own him. If M bragged about your achievements, they may be out for revenge – ‘you may think you’re clever, but you don’t matter around here’.

When Grandma died “the family had a huge fight and split apart for many years”. It might be useful to think about the dynamics involved then, to see if it helps explain what is still going on. If your cousins “are happy to abdicate responsibility and obligations” to M’s siblings, and your M kept you away from that side’s functions, you really do stand out as ‘not fitting in’.

This is a very unhappy situation for you, but it could be best to think it through for your Dad’s best interest, once the immediate things are settled. If he has lived within this group for decades, is comfortable with them, and they do really care about him, it may be in everyone’s interest to leave him there. You are on your own with a life you care about, and moving him might be difficult for both of you. There are reasons why you moved away, and Dad doesn’t share them.

I’d suggest getting D to visit you in a few weeks, to give him a break and a change of things to think about. Don’t alienate him or yourself from ‘the gang’ before both you and Dad have a chance to work out what is really best. Try not to suffer from this nasty ‘gang’ behavior, without checking carefully what’s best for the future.
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Way2tired Apr 2023
@Mm
You wrote “ there are reasons why you moved away, and Dad doesn’t share them “.
OP wrote that both mom and dad were supportive of her moving away .

I see what you are saying about how the Dad may be more comfortable where he is. I didn’t think of that because I don’t see anywhere that OP has stated how her father feels about these people .
It could be like you said , that he’s comfortable with these relatives , but it just isn’t stated by OP unless I missed it .

But what is stated is that the mother helped keep distance between her daughter and these relatives , which is why I had the immediate thought that this man needs to be protected from these people . Dad could live near the daughter in independent living or AL and make friends.

OP said Dad is staying put for now then will visit her in a few months . So they are taking some time to make a decision . Hopefully the Dad is ok alone for awhile .
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I'm not usually one to support arguments between family members, but I give you permission to unload on these clueless people to give them a taste of what they're doing to you.
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You should not feel selfish for not wanting to give up your dream job .
I like one of the other poster’s idea of moving Dad near you even if it’s in independent or AL , if he doesn’t want to or can’t live with you . I like your idea of telling Dad it would be helpful to you if he lived closer to you.
I would not leave him near these relatives since you say Dads ability to live alone is short lived anyway .
Whether these relatives are simply controlling type , looking for your Dad to pay them , or whatever . I don’t trust them based on how they treat you because you don’t participate in this strange controlling family dynamic .

So sorry for your loss and that you have had to deal with these insensitive relatives
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how much words can hurt even when the person saying them is sick and in pain or doesn't even realize what they're saying. Especially when the person being hurtful is your mother or father.
From what you're saying, I think you're pretty much handling everything perfectly.
The behavior of your mother's siblings is absolutely disgusting. They are the ones who should be ashamed of themselves. Certainly not you or your father.
Do these shallow, selfish, petty POS's even realize that their late sister leaves a grieving adult child and a widower husband? No they don't because this is how selfish narcissists grieve.
Your bond with your mother is stronger than the sisters and brothers one.
Your father's bond with his wife it too. There's a reason why the words, 'let no man put asunder' is part of a marriage ceremony. Many times even when there has been divorce that bond between the two people is still there. I was divorced twice and the bond I had with both of them was never really severed. I helped care for my first husband when he was sick until he passed himself. We were divorced and I was remarried.
Your father was not divorced and he just lost his wife who suffered tremendously and fought hard. Her siblings should have some respect for her memory, her widower husband, and her child.
If these were my aunt and uncle I would promptly tell them to go pound sand.
It would probably be best if you tried to convince your father to move. He doesn't have to live with you he can move into a senior community near you if he still wants to be on his own. I would not leave him to be dependent on people like 'Tammy' and 'Steve'. I hope both you and your father tell 'Tammy' and 'Steve' to stick it where the sun don't shine.
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Stand strong and do not let your Aunts and Uncles run over you! Had the same problem with my mama's cousins. Like someone suggested see an elder law attorney - expensive but worth the money! Have your daddy sign over to you POA. If Aunts and Uncles are willing to take him to the doctors and appointments for the next three months be careful because they could turn him since he is in an emotional state. Let us know how it goes. Prayers
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Run, don't walk to your Elder Law Attorney - take Dad and have end-of-life plans drawn up and put in writing. Just Google, "Elder Law Attorneys near Eugene."
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I am so sorry for your recent loss and turmoil.

You appear to be dealing with a passle of boundry-less folks.

Are they first generation immigrants from someplace? That MIGHT be a reason/excuse/way of understanding why they are this way.

One of our posters here always emphasizes that caregiving must work for BOTH parties, not just tge one being cared for. (THANK YOU, Beatty).

Read "Boundaries" by Towsend and Harris. It will give you some tools to work with.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@Barb

There's no excuse or reason for their disgusting behavior. The husband and the child (the OP) left behind are more important than the siblings.
These people were way out of line and I cannot think of a culture where it is acceptable to behave with disrespect and contempt towards a grieving widower and the deceased person's child.
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Learning,

If your dad isn’t suffering from dementia you might consider removing this information from your profile. Otherwise, it’s confusing to posters who will believe that he has Alzheimer’s disease or another type of dementia.
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LearningtoLive Apr 2023
Yes, my apologies. When filling it out, I was going off what I had been told from my mother that he had been diagnosed. In the time since her death I have taken him to a few of his doctors and specifically asked about such a diagnosis and his capabilities to clarify.

My mother and father were very old school. I was told only what they felt I should know. The fact that my mother shared her cancer diagnosis (all three times with me) was rare in this family. So when she said things about my dad's cognitive abilities and memory, I believed her. I think now that part of the issue was her own abilities, including hearing loss that contributed to misunderstandings with him.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. Please clear up for us if your dad does or doesn’t have a dementia diagnosis? That makes a huge difference in this
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LearningtoLive Apr 2023
My mother suspected that he was showing the signs of it. I made appointments for him to be evaluated for this and other issues I learned about upon my mother's death. The doctors all agreed that he shows some "declines" but that he does not qualify as being considered as suffering dementia at this time. Two (his primary and his oncologist) told me that his ability to live on his own is short lived and that I should make plans for the near future to either move him or move back. Given that his mother and several siblings have suffered from it, I am certainly concerned this will become an issue.

At this time the plan is for me to give him the next two months(ish) to try it out. When he comes to visit me, I intend to speak with him more in-depth and consider our options. My own health is not the best. I have considered telling him that I need his help and assistance to make him feel more useful.

He is a good man and works hard to live a good life. He's not what you would consider a very smart man. He is not able to understand technology (I'm talking washing machine, dishwasher, microwave, etc.). I've spent this time practicing with him so that he can better use these tools to live. But I'm not sure he can sustain.

In terms of money, he has enough to be comfortable. However, he's not a rich man by any means. He is more well off than my a few of aunts and uncles. Their comments to me are that he "always dreamed of moving back to where he lives now and moving away would kill him" and "he only knows you there and that would be too hard." I'm not sure who asked for their opinions but they certainly have them.

I know that my parents love(d) me and I am secure in that. Many years ago I quit going to family events that included the extended family. It was just too hard for me to deal with comments about me getting advanced degrees and not being married. I could deal with a few one on one, but never in the large group. I was instantly relegated to being a child and not respected because I was not married and did not have children. It seemed to be a theme. My mother recognized this and agreed that I should take a step back. For example, I would send a gift for a wedding or baby shower but would not attend.

When I was offered my job across the country, my aunts and uncles called and made comments to me that I was horrible for considering it. My parents were more than supportive. They visited twice a year and my mom was quick to brag about my accomplishments to her friends.

In terms of her siblings, they have a history of wanting to be in control. My mother was the same way. While I viewed her "control" as a loving gesture, their behavior has me on edge. When my mother's mother died the family had a huge fight and split apart for many years. My mother was a forgive and forget type of person. She never brought up issues after they had passed. I am the opposite.
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