My mother (who is 84) and my daughter (who is 31) do not get along at all. Whenever they are together my mother becomes very angry at my daughter and claims she does not even say hello or good-bye to her or talk to her. That is not completely true, but it is true that my daughter does not like my mother and finds it difficult to be around her. The problems stem from mean comments that my mother has made to my daughter over the years, and from my daughter excluding my mother from important events. Some might say that I am partly to blame for not putting my foot down at times with my mother, and with my daughter at other times. I guess I could have tried to control their decisions and behaviors more by discussing things more openly and pressuring them to make different decisions. However, I do not like trying to control the behavior of others and I resent the fact that I should have to mediate situations between them. They are both adults and should act like it. Others have given me the advice to stay out of their disputes but that is virtually impossible when my mother keeps bringing up the problems to me. I must talk to her every day since my stepfather died 4 years ago, and I dread the call every day. I live 2 hours away from her but see her at least 2-3 times per month. Now my mother is threatening not to come to my daughter's baby shower (at my house) this summer because my daughter never calls her or talks to her. My question is, should I try to get my daughter to call my mother and smooth things over? She probably won't since she is just as strong willed as my mother. If she won't, will they just be estranged for the rest of their lives, and I will have to deal with the constant reminders? Also, my mother basically blames me for not doing more to get my daughter to talk to her. Any advice?
And stop forcing your daughter to visit your mom.
You’ve been triangulated. There’s a lot of information about this, so read it, realize it, and stop enabling. Good luck!
Don't create drama for your pregnant daughter, it is not healthy for her. Just leave it alone. You don't want your relationship with her be to compromised. Remember that you could lose a relationship with your grandchild because you butted in where you don't belong.
If your mother doesn't want to come to the baby shower, then she shouldn't. No one will really care if she's there or not.
You have the most to lose by getting in the middle of this situation. Stay out of it.
Let your daughter have her boundaries. Change the topic with your Mom. Relationships are messy. The more you insert yourself the more blame you will get. You can’t control any of it anyway.
We don’t get to choose our family members but we can choose how much or little we interact with them.
SHAME on YOU for allowing it.
This is simple: Your daughter doesn't HAVE to like your mother; your mom doesn't have to like your daughter. And who they invite to their silly celebrations is up to them individually.
AND YOU DON'T need or want to HEAR ABOUT IT.
Tell them BOTH to stop. At ONCE.
Tell them that they are putting you in the middle of two people you love.
Tell them that you do not EVER want to hear their BAD opinions about one another again. Tell them you already KNOW their weaknesses and strengths, just as they know YOURS.
They can solve their issues OR NOT. But they DO need to leave you out of it.
This is about Boundaries. There is an old book--easy, simple and anecdotal-- by Henry Cloud called Boundaries. Read it. Your story belongs in it.
And tell BOTH of them, quite simply, they should be ashamed of themselves and they need never to involve you in their unpleasantries again.
Unless you are a trained mediator you have no place in the middle of this. It is your own fault that you ever decided these gossipy discussion involving either of them is a good thing.
Give them these contacts:
Mediate.com.
APFMNET.org (Academy of Professional Family Mediation.
ACRN.org (Assn for Conflict Resolution).
The absolute WORST choice of a person to settle disagreements is another family member. Tell them I said so. And tell them BOTH to grow up.
If you allow this to continue then do them the favor of getting a marker and making little dotted line right down the middle of you that says "Bend, Fold and Tear along the dotted lines".
Mom, I would say "Mom, nothing I can do about your relationship with my daughter. I have talked to her about calling you more. Thats all I can do. She is an adult and I have no control over her. So please, stop trying to make me your go between. Just except that this daughter you will have no relationship with." And if Mom does not want to go to the shower, thats her choice.
Have you told your Mom that comments she has made over the years are the reason your daughter wants no relationship with her. Maybe your other daughters can chalk it up to "thats just grandmom" but this daughter can't. She has been hurt by these comments and is protecting herself. Yes, you are going to have to except that this daughter may never like your mother. Its what it is.
Let her stay home, sit home and miss out on life, might be a good wake up call for her
Say to them both from now on I'm "Switzerland" I'm not taking sides
THIS - so much this!!!!
Stop calling everyday so she knows you mean it. When your mother starts in , tell her you are not discussing it and will be hanging up the phone if she does not change to a different subject .
Don’t try to force either one to see each other including important events. Again just stay out of it . If your Mom chooses to stay home when she is invited , so be it , that’s on her.
Your mother is threatening not to come to a baby shower because she wants you to force your daughter to call her. That’s absolutely ridiculous . Do not in anyway pressure your daughter to be manipulated by this woman’s threats unless you would like to risk your daughter uninviting you .
My mother in law threatened not to come to my wedding , guess what ? we called her bluff , canceled the wedding and eloped. Never had a great relationship after that with in laws . Don’t loose your relationship with your daughter because your mother is dishing out threats.
Your mom was mean to your daughter and your daughter has distanced herself from her. I see nothing wrong with that. And I see nothing wrong with telling your mother that. Actions have consequences.
My guess is that grandma feels entitled to her opinions and doesn't care who they hurt. She probably grew up with elders who acted the same way and she had to tolerate that so now she thinks it is her turn. Today's younger people realize they don't have to put up with that.
You mom is threatening to not come to the shower. She seems to be under the impression she is the guest of honor and her not coming will be devastating. Next time she tells you that tell her that is her choice to do as she pleases and then change the subject. (My grandmother was the same way, thought she was the guest of honor at every event).
Yes you are calling too much, especially if you dread it. Why are you doing it? Don't you matter too?
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