How do I deal with anger/rage when I try to manage my elderly spouse's medical needs?

It's tough to read this because you sincerely do wish to help him. It may be that stepping back and shutting off the emotions to be dispassionate for ten minutes will give perspective. I realize that's not as easy as it sounds!

Having a so-so roommate sounds workable for the betterment of you both. It's a time I've found to work for Spouse and me and yes, it stings to give up intimacy, not only sex but physically sleeping together. Separate bedrooms due to Spouse's insomnia aggravated by being on diuretics and suffering chronic diarrhea due to his first operation made sharing a room difficult. Having the bedroom light go on at 1, 2, 4, 6 a.m. was like living under the Battle of Britain with no bomb shelter.

I'm sorry your stepson couldn't get beyond the natural turned-up-nose at his dad's second marriage after a while. I hope the family can pull together for simple compassion's sake when your spouse gets out of control. It can happen!

Has he been assessed for dementia. Sometimes the personality shifts are from that . ( true in my husband's grandma's case) Also tell him he is seeing a new dr and take him to a psychologist to have him assessed ,maybe his fears of being in his last days are turning into this rage ( mad at death ,not really you, but you become the target. ) Maybe he needs counseling then to help him make peace with his last chapters. Maybe they can help him find an activity that will help him feel valuable

I am also much younger than my husband, 15 years younger, and gratefully very healthy. I’m 57. He is very self-centered, mild dementia, heart disease, GERD and Stage 4 Prostate Cancer. We have been in separate bedrooms for years; I had to decide that my getting a good night’s rest is more important than his feelings. That’s evolved into my needing to go out and exercise or socialize when he cannot walk distances, or behave appropriately, is also more important than his feelings. He has a friend that picks him up and takes him to 4 AA meetings a week for years, (he is a regional treasurer for several groups and I couldn’t get him to give that up even with the dementia - one day when he screws that up, it will be inevitable) and to the grocery store several times a week, and out to eat. He eats nothing but junk food, fast food and sugar. He does nothing around the house since he retired a few years ago which has built some resentment in me. And finally, he requests me to take him out for fun on the weekend or my days off after I have cleaned house, cooked, cleaned the kitchen up and stored leftovers, done some yardwork, handled bills, taxes and finances. And frankly, I am just not in the mood! If I have to handle all responsibility, then I’m sorry but my free time, little that it is, is for me. He pitched a five day fit when he was told he could not drive anymore. I don’t look forward to the future battles as his health continues declining! So while he does not yell and carry on constantly, he makes demands in numerous ways by sitting around like the king of his castle with a servant (me.) My father is 93, lives with us, cooks, handles his own iphone, ipad and imac and is generally still intelligent and pleasant to visit with which we enjoy while my husband goes to his meetings. My only means of survival is to really study and practice DETACHMENT. No one deserves to be used and emotionally abused. My husband’s excuse for doing nothing is “you’re so much better at that” (meaning everything??) I’m sorry but that’s not a good enough excuse to sit around and watch your wife do everything. He even sat while my 93 yr old dad cooked and cleaned because my shoulder was frozen last weekend. I’m always amazed at the new levels of selfishness in this man, and no, his dementia is not so advanced that he has to be this lazy! It’s not just me that sees this; my kids, and even his kids, say I’m an angel. I’m not an angel, just a very tired human like all of us. So anyway, detachment is working for me. I get out and swim, go to eat with friends or to a concert occasionally, and read, play music and hibernate upstairs in our home. I’m grateful he is not inclined to climb stairs. I still feel some guilt from years of caretaking (took care of my mom, aunt and PDD son as well as Dad and spouse) when I do things for myself, but I’m learning. We all deserve to be cherished and appreciated. I just have to do that for myself since he will not. I don’t feel like I owe him anything; when the time comes that he is losing his ability to selfcare, I will find a place for him, because I just cannot do it anymore with no appreciation. Blessings on your journey. I hope you can detach to some degree and have the life you deserve.

Lymie61: You're absolutely right about marriages with large age differences. I could NEVER have married a man with a back-wards baseball cap that used the word A@$#@lE every five minutes. My husband is still intellectually brilliant, and has the love for books, great music and well, the fine arts, that drew me to him 30 years ago. He's a selfish, controlling, etc., as I initially described. This is a toxic, emotional roller coaster I'm on, BUT, - . His generation was a step up from mine! With my background in the fine arts, we are at least equal to "good talk". How many even good marriages have that?

PuffBucket, I can only say how bad I feel for you. There is no easy solution.
Of course you can move out, get a divorce and go back to work but who wants to do that at age 66 even if you are well enough.
You have been living as room mates for many years so if it has worked for you so far is there any reason not to continue.
As far as your husband's verbal abuse is concerned. Walk away don't nag or even suggest he does things that are "good for him" He knows that as well as you do. It is his choice. Offer his medications but if he refuses don't argue put them away. Offer him food, telling him what is available but if he refuses you won't be the one who is hungry.
The man is 88 years old and on the final leg of his journey on this earth and if he has not been declared incompetent he can make his own decisions.
Do what you need to do to keep the house running smoothly and keep out of his line of fire as much as possible and as Glad suggested on the next trip to the ER decide if you want to take that option or indeed if you can afford to have him out of your life.
You two got married so I assume you loved each other then. Chances are he still loves you very much despite his bad behavior.

If you want to stay with him, and it looks like you do, yes - be a roommate instead. You're pretty much there now. Continuing to accept the way he treats you is self-abuse and actually, you are not listening to him. Leave him alone. Let him be. He may be those things you say, and he may be acting that way towards you, but underneath it all, he's still "an adult" and has the right to make his own choices. It's hard as a loved one to stand by, but let's look at if from another angle - if you died today, what would he do? He'd either (eventually) go down the drain, or, eventually pick himself up and start taking care of himself; at least until he found another (sorry, that's a bad thought but not unheard of). People are responsible for themselves - always. Everyone answers for him/herself in the end. OUR choices determine OUR lives; not those of others. Even if he winds up in the hospital, let him run his life - he may be trying to figure something out and you're interfering. If he is just being mean, well really, why stand in the way and accept it? Step aside. Someone who hurts another and you allow it and keep coming back for more - DOESN'T RESPECT that behavior in you. A bully doesn't respect anyone but the one who stands up to the him/her. Hard as it is, begin to separate in a healthy way, small ways, and start developing your self-esteem again. I hear you about your friends situation - get into a support group to start. If you're strong enough to stand there and take it, you have the strength to turn it around too, or at least turn it to the side, and start using that strength on behaviors and actions that will have more positive results for you even if that "positive" is less pain and frustration to start with. YouTube has lots of people offering self-help videos - short and long. You can google almost any topic and find something on it. Books are helpful. Praying & reading the Bible for me releases a lot of pain and I believe He helps me whether my behavior is in line or not, but I profit sooooo much more when I'm paying attention to the love coming my way. It helps. It gives me strength and hope and assurance and helps me take positive steps. The other stuff is encouraging too. Puts a face and human voice to it. God uses others to help others. Let God work on him for a while. Be there if he reaches out & let it go. It's HIS path he's walking in life. He's responsible for himself, you are responsible for yourself. Take care of yourself. That'll put you in a better position, better frame of mind to see clearly to help others, aka him. A spade is a spade whether you paint it pink or not. He knows it. I would seek Gods direction of when to give and when to hold back. Idk...I'm not in your shoes but I have had lots of experience with painful relationships. So that's my 2 cents. Peace & love to you.

My mother has narcissistic tendencies as well. Has always been verbally abusive of me. She’s 92, mild dementia, in assisted living. She’s accused me of everything under the sun. I told her about 18 months ago I was done( after dropping everything, taking her to her hair appointment and listening to her scream abuses for 2 hrs) . She called , gaslighting me but I ignored it. She was at the time in independent living where they fixed meals and cleaned which was all the help she needed so in a safe environment. Since then has gotten worse so we moved her to assisted living. I still limit contact, she now abuses my sister . But she is in a safe environment so that’s imo what I need to fulfill as a daughter.
Long story short you can’t change a narcissist. It’s actually coming from low self esteem and a fear of being left but they get filled with rage when they can’t control you. It’s a lose /lose situation for you. I would do what you can to get him safe ie assisted living or home health care but you can’t force him and he won’t be reasonable. There is a limit on what you can or should do , your sanity is just as important as his health.

Your situation reminds me of mine. My former husband, who is the love of my life, is 74 and I am 66. It was a second marriage for us, too. We still see each other. He brings me to his home all the time and I help him with his needs. He has congestive heart failure and when I suggest he call the cardio doc, he is very short with me and sometimes yells at me. He can hardly get around, sleeps and watches TV all the time. His only son recently passed of a heart attack at 47 and the only kid left is his 46 year old alcoholic daughter, who despises me. She texts him only when she wants something.
IMHO, he is depressed. I'm just hanging in there, hoping I can help him.
My heart goes out to you.

If he wont accept your help..you cannot convince him. Work on yourself.

You can't just up and leave him. He is 86 years old. You are in a routine. When he has medical complications, so he yells at you about it. This is hard, but he doesn't want you to respond. You do not have to accept every invitation you get. That includes conversations with the sick one.

Do not expect compliments. Do not do anything in your home, except if you want to do this. I don't even sleep in the same room as my hubby. I CANNOT STAND HIS SNORING. And he doesn't like mine either.... SOOooooo what is someone to do? Get a goodnight sleep and take up another room.
Do not bend over backwards for him, he doesn't want it. If he complains about being sick (it's hard to sit and watch and do nothing) remind him where meds are, and go out and walk the dog. Do something, step away from the scene, make distance, and if he still yells at you, Just say, I'm sorry dear, your meds are over there, and if you need anything else, call your doctor. Take a daily trip to the library, they have great resources there, almost for everything, even some fun classes.
SMILE; SMILE AND BREATHE. My friend will not listen to me any more. I got myself into this. Just don't be the punching bag, do not react,
You Do Not Have To Accept Every Invitation You Get. Smile and take a walk.

Make time for yourself - Daily. Do you still drive? And the library usually posts or has pamphlets for volunteering opportunities.

If you have to go to grocery store, take a few minutes in each isle and contemplate which item you prefer: Vanilla, sea breeze, or lavendar? In other words, slow down, and smell the detergent.

I have to ask...why are you doing this? You know you are being emotionally abused. Please please look after yourself and make a plan to get out. Why would you live like a room mate? Would you choose him for a roommate?? Sounds horrid, so probably not! And a toxic step son to boot. Fun times. So why live like this for another 10-15 years, knowing it will get worse? You are a young woman... see a lawyer, and make a plan to detach from this situation. My BP goes through the roof when I read about women who feel like they’re stuck when they actually have all the power!

Your living situation sounds extremely toxic. Would you consider moving out on your own and find help for him to find his own place or line up in home care for him?

My mother was like this, and was violent and dangerous as well. I was her personal servant and whipping post, nothing I did pleased her. I left home essentially exhausted and as is pretty typical wound up marrying someone very
similar. They do not change while you're there. For some unfathomable reason
it appears being abusive is a kind of drug for them. It relieves their inner tension.
And to be able to live with themselves they have to manufacture excuses why you
deserve this terrible treatment.

It is toxic and damaging even if you attempt to live as roommates. The constant stress will slowly kill you and will invigorate him (probably part of the reason why
he does this, though he is likely quite unconscious of this) . Please consider moving out and rebuilding your life. Having a father son team of unkind unloving
and abusive dynamic is too toxic to live for a moment longer than you have to.

It is hard when you care more then the person having the problem.

I, personally, would just back off and do what I need to do. Let him deal with the consequences of his stubbornness.

Has he been tested for dementia or mental decline? He could be failing and knows it but refuses to see it.

Keep your distance from his anger and take care of you.

Come here to vent and share, many people will be sympathetic to your situation and the ones that aren't, put them in the same category as your husband, that is the "your opinion doesn't matter to me!" category.

Lol ur man sleeps in s next room for 20 yreas time to move on..

You walk away. Pack up your things and leave. Give him the necessary paperwork to file for divorce and do what you can do to get out on your own. Start saving and looking for work if that is what you need. No one deserves to be abused....verbally or otherwise. Good luck and God bless you.

I am really sorry. I can't imagine anyone having to live this way. I guess you are collecting SS? Are you able to work? At 66 you can make as much as you want and have no SS penalties. In my area, there is Senior housing where they charge 30% of your income to rent. You pay electric and TV. You could get help with food. Medicaid for ur supplimental which comes with benefits. Comcast has internet for $10 for those getting help. Maybe you could rent a room. This has to be effecting your health. Call an abuse line and see what resources they can offer. A divorce can be costly if he chooses to fight for what he has. Is the house in both names, he has to buy you out. You are entitled to half of everything if your state laws are like that.

After I posted, half of what I wrote didn't show up. Anyway....

Maybe time to get a life of your own. I reconnected with some old friends. I am a golf widow. I have breakfast with one friend and lunch with two sisters. Maybe a nice p/t job. As a hostess or receptionist. Or work in a gift shop. Then you have some mad money, as my DH calls it, to take trips or do something for yourself. I think your hubby has made himself clear. With his health problems I don't see him living to a ripe old age especially if he doesn't take care of his diabetes. If you want to do for him, do it but when he starts on you, leave. Only interact when its necessary. Your room is your sanctuary.

Good luck and please come back even if just to vent. 😊

Yes, detach and live like a roommate with him, but only until the next trip he needs to the hospital. At that time use the situation to your advantage and do not take him home. State that he needs more care than you can provide.

Or, get out of there now if that is what you need. Divorce him, or stay married, but you need to take care of you.

When I see these married couples with such a huge age difference I always wonder if they thought anything about the care that would be needed one day. I can definitely tell you that I would never marry someone that much older than I am now. But, twenty years ago? Who knows, but would like to think, not.