Things were well, and then Mum expressed she needed to use the toilet. So, I help her out. I start walking her towards toilet and she starts pulling her pants down on the way there. Just outside the toilet, pee begins to overflow from her half pulled down pants, I give her a quick shove into the toilet, so she’s at least on the toilet tiles. I then tell her to sit down on the toilet, but she refuses, and the remainder of her pee ends up on the toilet floor and her pants. I then tell her we need to remove said pants and she throws a complete fit.
She tried to walk out of the toilet, so I block her because we can’t have pee everywhere! She gets angry and starts yelling so the neighbors can hear. She then finally removes her pants / nappy and throws them in the toilet but not before slamming them around the entire bathroom. At this stage, I close the door on her as it all starts to get to me, and I need to take a breath and need her to exhaust her aggression. I know this is not ideal but it’s either that or me trying to wrestle her to not walk out of there and make a further mess. I then open the door, finally get her seated and start cleaning the floor. We put on a new nappy, I wash her wet pants in the basin, and I then clean her feet and say we need to wash her hands and then head for a quick shower. When I guide her towards the sink, she starts up again, soap everywhere. She starts hitting my forearm with her fists repeatedly. I get to the point where I just stand there and say “keep hitting me” until she stops. Then we have a moment of peace while walking to the shower, but she walks in the shower with her jumper on. At this point I don’t care anymore. I think, oh well we need to change it anyway. After the shower she still refuses to take off said jumper and another aggression episode follows. Finally, we manage to get her into clean clothes and she’s currently laying in her room while I deal with the aftermath. I feel angry, guilty, hurt, and lost to the point my chest hurts.
Looking back, I really don’t know what I could have done to prevent the outbursts or how I could have done better. Sure, I could have just let her waltz out of the toilet to avoid the outburst, but then I’d be cleaning pee from the living room and whatever else she touched/sat on. I feel guilty for blocking her and for closing the door on her momentarily, but I felt I had no other option. I guess I closed the door to add a barrier between us if that makes sense. But what am I meant to do?
What frightens me is how will they deal with this when she goes to aged care?
Mum was never the aggressive type when healthy, so I know it’s not her really but it’s still hard. I feel ashamed to admit that she gets like this and don’t really tell people. I feel like most outside people think that dementia is only a forgetful sweet timid person. They have no idea that this is not always true and that this affects my mental state. My work for example thinks that I should be good go back to full duties as soon as Mum is in care despite that I’ve advised I’m burnt out. I’ve hidden the physical side of things because I hate painting my Mum that way because I know it’s not who she was/is in her heart, and I guess I find myself questioning am I just doing it all wrong. The ironic part is that I’m behaving the same as a DV victim with also questioning myself. I realize this but I do it. I blame myself that perhaps I just don’t know how to do things right and maybe I don’t but foremost I find it extremely difficult to tell anyone because I feel awful.
In a nursing facility or memory care - they *may* need to put her on a bit of medication or a sedative to help with the aggression - but don't let that put you off - it's honestly the best for everyone. There is no easy way around this. Everyone is just doing the best they can.
For the incontinence have you considered a catheter? I know I may end up having to do this for my father...it's not ideal but I think it can help when the incontinence becomes impossible. It may not be an option with dementia however as they may try and pull it out.
Also make sure she's tested for a UTI - sometimes these incontinence issues flare due to an underlying UTI and they are super common in the elderly.
But try and take a break, don't beat yourself up over this (you're already getting enough of that!) and understand that it's not easy - caring for the elderly can be ugly, dirty, and exhausting and everyone is just trying the best they can.
You need to get tough with mom's doc; she is looking out for your mom's best interests, thus YOU have to look out for YOURS.
When my mom entered an independent living facility, her new doc (a geriatrician) explained to me his philosophy that QUALITY of life was of the utmost importance at mom's age--she was 88-- and that keeping her unanxious was much more important than the various other meds she was on.
BP meds remained, but everything else besides the antianxity meds went. Mom was much calmer not having to remember all those other things to take.
Yes agree on the meds
I too wonder why Mom is on Cholesterol Meds. Statins have been proven to to contribute to Dementia. When I have turned down using them and why, my doctors do not argue with me. At this point it really does not matter if Mom is on them. I would have her liver enzyimes checked and if high have her taken off. Statins do effect the liver. Moms doctor says once the enzymes are high, the person should never be put on Statins again and took Mom off.
I so hope you get Mom placed. They will make sure that she has the correct cocktail of meds to keep her calm.
and why does it no longer matter?
sordy silly questions perhaps but her doctors have not mentioned anything.
You did not cause this dementia, and do not deserve to be beaten on.
If you refuse to let your mom come home from the hospital, they can hold her until that opening comes up.
You are worth taking care of, too.
She does have to be zonked. Just calm. Have you never seen someone calm on meds?
Right now the adult family home's care team is going through the process of trying to find the right medication for him...he's on an even keel during the day, but has sundowners really bad...to the point where he (86 years old) woke up, then broke and jumped through a window (it was 5 feet off the ground from the outside) when they would not let him go out in the yard after midnight. Shockingly, his only injury was some wrist abrasions on one wrist. They since moved him to a house with care attendants more suited to working with agressive sundowners. Lately he still wakes up and beats on the walls, yells and breaks anything in his room (they've now removed everything from his room but a mattress). They are still working on adjusting his medications...apparently it can be a long process, and it's only been a week and a half.
I can only imagine what you are going through. Have you considered adult family homes vs more institutional situations? Sometimes they have more openings, and at least in my state, this particular home has guaranteed transition to medicaid after two year co-pay for every bed...the other places I visited "said" they could do this, but when it came right down to it said they could not guarantee a medicaid bed, which means they might kick him out after blowing through all his money, even if he were there 2 or more years. Plus I was able to find an adult family home within 10-15 minutes of my, vs a 30-60 minute drive to one of the "other places", so I can easily visit several times a week.
If you can find an adult family home that can take your mom, the next time there is one of these traumatic episodes, like Grandma1954 said:
"Call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety and request transport to the hospital. Explain that the person has dementia." Then don't have her come home...tell them it's not a safe place for her as proper care is not available...have her taken directly there.
You have done a phenomenal job, but if it's available, you need to turn over her care to someone else and work on getting your life and job back while you still can. I can only speak for myself, but even though much of my after work time...and weekends...and some dad-related calls during work...happens, I find that my work--while stressful in it's own right due to the amount of things we are asked to do with limited bodies--is actually a calming force for me, as I can focus on it when there, and forget about my dad's situation for at least that period of time. Kind of like a mini vacation. I would not even be able to work from home if my dad were with me...he needs constant attention, and at my age I don't kid myself that I could find another job paying even half as much.
Please don't give up your future for her present. Find her a safe place, and take a step back away from this, and just visit as her daughter when you can. You can (and should) still advocate for her after placement, but you can do it from a better place (mentally) then.
Best wishes
agree with everything else you say and sounds like you’ve had your experience with a fair share of aggression. I just feel like there’s meant to be all this support available but then everything is a wait game or several hoops to jump through or falls through. Doesn’t help I’m exhausted and down while navigating these waters. But thank you,.. I guess most importantly I needed to hear I’m not going about this all wrong and that what I’m feeling is valid.
Call your doctor tomorrow.
Call HER doctor tomorrow and tell her/him that mom has begun to physically attack you during toileting.
I would call 911 it happens again.
As to your disapproving relatives in Heaven, I have no answer for that. Perhaps you should discuss that with your pastor.
You ARE in a domestic violence situation. It doesn't matter that it's your mom and not a partner; it doesn't matter that it's the illness and not "her". It's still violence and it's happening in the home where you live.
Talk to her doctor, frankly, about the effect this is having on your physical and mental health. Please, PLEASE talk to your own doctor as well.
As to how a facility would handle this? Just fine.
Everything at a facility is washable. The person doing the toileting isn't worried about how the clothing, bedding, flooring or whatever will get cleaned because there is a team that takes care of those tasks.
I think you need to think about placement, now. This is no longer sustainable.
I have always said that if at any time violence becomes part of the picture it is no longer safe for anyone.
Call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety and request transport to the hospital. Explain that the person has dementia.
I do hope that you can get her in care ASAP...
This is not your fault, not her fault.
No need to "hide" the facts. I think educating people is a service that needs to be done.
There is a very high chance that she is depressed / has anxiety on top of dementia since she has lost both of her sons (one in 2019 and one few weeks ago, both sudden). Im 40 and the only child left. It’s hard to help her with her grief though because she can’t fully comprehend. The fact that they’ve both passed did sink in.