I’m the primary care giver and a large portion of my mom’s financial support. My sister has a lot of excuses why she rarely sees my mom and has offered little assistance when she most recently came out of the hospital. It’s all been on me: shopping, banking, Dr appoints etc. She finally has an aide for 12 hrs a week (which I found), but she is telling me and my sister she doesn’t do anything and she doesn’t need a babysitter.
Recently, we confirmed what we suspected for a while. She is telling everyone that we don’t visit her, don’t care and are always away. I am there almost everyday and probably 48/52 weeks a year. When confronted she denies it. She does not have dementia. We don’t know what to do but she is so hurtful.
Confront her in front of the aide she slanders you to or anyone else she does the same with. Put her on the spot and force her to explain why she tells lies about you.
Or
You could tell her plainly in there words:
'Mom, I will not be coming around anymore and I'll only be calling you once a week. This means I will not be here to do your shopping, banking, or to take you to doctor's appointments or anywhere else.
I'm taking this action because I do not want to make a liar out of you.
You go around telling anyone who will listen that I do nothing and don't help you. So now you're going to get a taste of what living like you tell everyone you do is really like'.
Then take a BIG step back. Call her once a week and maybe go over the house for coffee (when her aide is there) once a week or so.
I would seriously limit time spent with her. Your sister might be able to help with that as it sounds she is ahead of you in understanding that playing slave to Mom doesn't get one anything but slave-status. No one respects the slaves.
See to it that you NEVER EVER take this woman into your home nor move into yours. Leave her to her own devises and let her hire her own care as she sees fit and let her hire her own careGIVERS as she sees fit. If you believe she is not caring for herself safely call APS for wellness check on her and let them know that you will not be involved as a caregiver, POA, or anything else.
Your sister is right. You are enabling your mother in her ungrateful and selfish lifestyle. Pull away and get on with a quality life dealing with people who care about you.
Read up on F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
And take three giant steps back. Especially if she's "always been this way" and docs are telling you "no dementia" which sounds like it's "just" mental illness
If you are going to be blamed for the crime might as well commit it. Let your mother know that you are on to her and if it gets back to you again that you heard she said you never visit, you will in fact stop.
I just thought of something. My father would say I never VISIT him. My daughter told him that I saw him all the time. He said that was true but I never VISIT him. You see the minute I get there he puts me to work so that no longer counts as a 'visit'. So after I have spent the last hour doing a bunch of chores for him, no I am not going to now sit and chat with him. He got an hour of my time and he decided on how to use it.
See if you can get mom a mini cognition test at her doctors office, like a MoCA or SLUMS test. Her score will indicate where she falls on the cognition impairment scale.
You say mom recently came out of the hospital which means she's likely taken a step down with her cognitive functioning. Neither of my parents went to the hospital without suffering hospital delirium or in moms case, taking a step down with her dementia. It goes with the territory.
Insofar as dealing with her hurtful comments, do let mom know how her words are affecting you. I'd leave my mother's presence when she started getting ugly and I'd tell her why, too. There's no need to do ALL you're doing for the woman AND bear the brunt of her foul mouth at the same time. Tell her so. She'll get the hint in short order that my son means business with what he says.
If someone says something to you about her lies, just say "I am there every day. We have noticed this problem and are taking her to her PCP for an eval" If you find Dementia us at play, you say that "well seems like Mom is showing some cognitive decline and confabulation is one of the signs".
She receives 3 meals a day, and snacks WHENEVER she wants them.
She doesn’t remember eating, ever.
She clearly eats, because she keeps gaining weight.
With my mother, it’s dementia. With your mother, it may be something I diagnosed that gets in the way of “truthful” reporting.
And honestly - while I suppose there could be a small chance that they could doctor the pictures - I doubt it - because he didn't like SIL's food either and wanted them to pick up food from his favorite restaurants every single meal. AND even though he didn't like her food either he always pretty much licked the plate clean.
This is a man who is not going to starve no matter how much he dislikes the food. He may hate it - but he's NOT going to go hungry. He would eat a rock between two pieces of cardboard if he was hungry. He would complain about it, but he would still eat it.