How common is sudden decline in SNF MC?

Confusion and/or agitation is common after placement. Decline does not automatically go with the territory. My mother did not suffer a decline at all after her move into Memory Care Assisted Living from AL.

When you posted last about your situation, your mom being 62 or 65, you said both, and suffering from dementia, we responded to you with overwhelming support to go ahead and place her. You have little choice. I've honestly never head of such insistence from the medical establishment on "community" care because that's nonsense, and we all know it. "Community" means YOU and you alone with support from nobody.

You also said you're not even sure you want to be moms advocate. I strongly urge you to rethink that. Sure it can be stressful at times, but what facet of life and love is not stressful? Loved ones left alone in the system with nobody to look out for them can wither away. Be mistreated or ignored. We all need someone that cares about us to be our voice when we ourselves can no longer use ours.

There are folks here who will tell you to let the state take over moms care. I disagree with that advice. The staff bucks up when they know a son or daughter is coming in to see mom and make sure she's in good shape and being properly cared for. When you praise and thank the staff for their efforts, they feel validated and often take extra care and attention with mom as a result. You don't have to devote your life and give up your career to caregiving, but periodic check ins are a good idea. I used to do it all the time because I was local, and bring food and snacks and gifts to mom while she was in Memory Care Assisted Living.

Ignore what the medical community is saying to you, and tell them you're doing your best right now. Lay off the guilt trips please, they serve no useful purpose.

Your mom will be fine. The human spirit is amazingly strong and resilient and fights TO live rather than die. You're making the safe and sound decision for mom now, rest assured. With dementia at play, we have to choose the lesser of the bad choices. And that's a fact.

Good luck to you.

“Her needs can be met in the community” is such a lie to get you to take your elder and go away so they don’t have to deal with it.

ANY change can cause a decline.
You might be able to lessen the decline if she is used to the place and the people before a permanent move.
Do they offer a Day Program? If not would they consider taking her as a Day person for a few weeks?
This would give you a bit of a break and get her used to the people, the facility and the routine.
If this is a possibility then taking her the day she becomes a resident would be a lot easier.
Placing a LO is not an easy decision and I am sure you have struggled with this. So PLEASE do not let anyone make you feel "guilty" in placing mom.
If her medical team feels that strongly that she will do better "with her needs being met in the community" then they can take turns taking care of her until she reaches a point where they feel she will do well in a MC setting.
It is comments like this from "medical teams" that do nothing but make people that have come to this decision feel even worse about the process.
You are doing what you need to do to 1.) Keep mom safe 2.) Maintain your own sanity and manage your life.

In my uncles case I did see cognitive decline but truly believe it isn't associated with being in LTC. It is a natural progression of his dementia and it just coincides with his living situation. And if the change did contribute, There are major positives that offset his decline. Saftey is number one. He is not falling out of bed and having to lay there for hours because he forgot he had an alert button. He has socialization opportunities. Although at first he resisted because he refuses to believe he is Long term, He has a great relationship with many staff members. He has well balanced meals. He isn't in isolation in his home for days if weather is bad. I could go on but you get the list.

Please don't be discouraged by placement. It is for the best for all involved for your families situation.

Perhaps talking with a therapist and processing your feelings for this life changing event for you with is warranted. And don't discount the suggestion of a mild anti depression medication for you. It is not a sign of weakness and can help tremendously. You are young and need to maintain your mental wellbeing as much as helping your mother.

Mother did not suffer a decline when she went to a Nursing home.She went to AL in her late nineties and into NH when she was 105. I don't think it is inevitable. I think Geaton's suggestions are great.

Not sure how old your mother is but if she is an escape artist she needs care that is safe That comes first and I agree quality of care should not depend on you having to continually advocate. I was a distance caregiver and kept in touch or the staff phoned me when something happened. I visited about 4 times a year. Mother had good care.

I'm sure you've probably looked at more than 1 facility. In case you haven't please research faith-based ones. My MIL is in an excellent non-profit faith based facility (LTC, on Medicaid). The organization does national fundraising to cover some of the cost of care so it is less expensive than more other places. They view care as a mission, and my MIL gets excellent care and attention there.

I'm in the upper midwest so not sure where to point you specifically, but you can contact national headquarters for various denominations to ask if they have facilities in your area. My MIL is in Presbyterian Homes. She was never a Presbyterian or even attended any of their churches. Most places don't care. Also call the Cartholic Church (many facilities here where I live).

I totally understand the frustration of the care situation. My 95-yr old Mom lives next door to me. My 89-yr old MIL is 3 miles away in LTC. My 105-yr old Aunt is states away in FL and I manage her in-home care. We were also overseeing 2 other elders who have now passed, all in different situations, all ending differently.

I wish you success in getting the best possible care for your Mom. You will learn a lot on this journey that you will be able to apply to yourself so you can have the best aging plan possible.

Just move ahead with your plan. If they don’t have a concrete, REALISTIC alternative, tell them that’s not helpful and continue moving ahead. You aren’t signing any contracts in blood. Get her moved and placed and see how it goes. Adjust as necessary. Tell her team you’ll adjust as necessary but you first need her placed near you, not a flight risk at home, in danger, in another state. Period.

You do what is good for you. My cousin promised his Dad he'd care for his Mom. Who was to know she would contract Dementia? No one in her family had shown signs and one sister lived to be 87 the other 98. Other siblings lived till mid 70s. He owns a business and at the time was in his 50s. His working helped her keep her house. He tried the community thing but he only got 8 hrs. Meaning he could not leave till the aide showed up and get home before she left. Otherwise, Mom would be home alone and eventually that could not happen. So he had to place her.

My Mom did better in her AL and later LTC than living with me. There were activities at both places.

Very common; part of the reason her medical team is advising against it. Since there is a little time, have they helped/suggested alternative ways to keep to keep her out of the facility?

Hi -
I was in the same position as you about 6 years ago. I was guided to the country social services in the county she lived in. A wonderful woman walked me through the process.

Things I remember is, in order to get financial help, she couldn't own a home, a car, a life insurance policy, or have more than $100,000 in her bank account. Well, the last one was absolutely no problem!! She lived with me so she didn't have a home. She no longer drove, so she didn't have a car. She had a $3,000 life insurance policy. She had to cash that in and give it to the home. Once that money was gone, (in a month!) the country started paying for her care. Every year we have to re-apply (because you know, she may have started a business while living in the Alzheimers Home and generate $100k! [sarcasm] ).

Once they determined she had no funds, the social worker started reaching out to homes to see if they had any rooms for free/reduced pay. Turns out the non-profit homes all have a % of rooms for free/reduced pay. At least they do in Minnesota (where my mom lives).

My mom got in at an Episcopal Home. (We are not Episcopal.) She did NOT want to go in the home. She had fallen 3 times and broke both hips and a femur. She was moving into dementia. She moved from a hospital, to a rehab and then straight into the home, so that made it easier to get her there.

It is a wonderful home. I could not be happier. They said it usually takes about a year for someone to "settle in". It took my mom 5 years to stop asking to come home. So every visit broke my heart.

A few ideas for you:
- Contact County Social Services in the county your mom lives in and tell them she is a resident of the county and you are seeking help for her.

- Contact the preacher at her church and see if they know of any helpful services in the church/religion she belongs to. Don't worry about her friends not coming to visit. She'll make new friends in the home. I promise. And if she has dementia or Alzheimer's, she may easily forget these "friends" who say they won't visit her.

- Contact all non-profit/religiously affiliated homes and ask if they have any discounted/free rate rooms? If yes, ask them what they look for, what agencies they work with (so you can register with those agencies) and any suggestions for you. Then reverse-engineer the process to get her in.

BTW - the home my mom is in is NOT in the county she lived in. The county she lived in pays the county the home is in and the county the home is in pays the home.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so. I couldn't leave my business to care for her. My brother is "too busy" to help so it's just me. (Like you.) And as you say, you can't put your future on hold for the time she has left. Our society makes you think you should stay home and care for her, but none of them think a man should. Do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT feel obligated. If you love your mom, do whatever you can to get her settled in somewhere. IF she owns a home that needs to be sold to pay for her care, sell it. Yes it hurts. Maybe you and your siblings thought you'd split the money from her home when she passes, but it is today that she needs help and if no one can pay for it, then there isn't another answer. Quitting your career is NOT an option.