Hello all, My husband and I have been providing care for my 88 year old MIL for the past couple of years. I have been on an emotional roller coaster these few years. How can I tell if she's being passive aggressive towards me or if it's something due to dementia? For example, I was told by the home health people that she can (and should) do a few things around the house. A physical therapist came to the house in the beginning. He said she should get up and walk around a little every hour. He eventually gave up on her. An occupational therapist came a couple of times and she gave up on her, too. My MIL got to my house and sat in my chair and has been there ever since. I got really angry in the beginning b/c I was being told by home health that she should be included in household chores, etc. and I tried to include her. She refuses to do so much as put her dirty dish in the sink and leaves it for me to clean up. I thought maybe this is due to dementia after a while and started being less angry. Then, I was sick earlier this week, so my husband was doing dishes in the kitchen. He told me his mother came in there and asked him what she can do to help! Infuriating! I'm so confused. I could write a ton more. Hopefully I'm getting the gist of what I'm trying to ask across. Any insight is greatly appreciated. It's been very weird and very confusing. I'm 44. Hubby is 49. It's been quite strange to have this experience of caring for someone for which I'm literally half her age.
My husband bought a house before we were married. MIL made the drapes and would pick up things to decorate it. Her tastes were not mine. So after we married, DH said I could do anything I wanted to the house. So, I started replacing the things I didn't care for. Sconces were a big thing then. So I had a set in the living and dining rooms. DH and I had just come home and were in the dining area when my MIL walked in and perceeded to take my orange candles out of the sconces and replace them with white. Then she walked out. Really! We stood there dumbstruck. To this day, I don't think she saw us standing there. And the gull! I took the white ones out and put my orange back in. I should have returned the white ones but I just put them in a drawer. My DH may have said something to her later in private, not sure.
So my answer, I think its a personality thing. My MIL did the same thing after a UTI and she was in rehab. She refused therapy or when she did participate she wasn't into it. We were there from 8am to 5pm everyday. She wouldn't get out of bed. She had the boys feeling sorry for her. I went into the room ahead of everyone else one visit and she was at therapy. Her roommate, a nurse, told me MIL had sat up, ate all her breakfast and carried on a conversation with her. The day before the boys were feeding her a milkshake. I did nothing for her while we were there. She was playing it for all she could. She wanted out and thought her boys would get her out and care for her. We all lived in different states, so that was not an option. 8, 12, and 18 hrs away, we being the 18.
I have sympathy for someone with alz/dementia, but I have no experience with it, so I don't know what she knows/understands, what she doesn't. I have given up the fight with the dishes. I don't care. I'll just pick it up myself. I'm always in the kitchen anyway. Maybe my husband had a talk with her. I don't know. I fix every meal she eats. I know she can't, so I don't mind. But, she wouldn't even acknowledge that I gave her food in the beginning. She would just see me put the food next to her and say nothing. My husband would get her a burger and she would gloat about how good it was later. I'm guessing it was to infuriate me. It worked at first. Now I just let it go (thankfully I can).
I guess what is saddest for me in this situation (which my therapist has helped me realize and process) is that I don't have the relationship with my MIL that I thought I did. And, it's not just changed due to alz/dementia. What I thought existed never did. It's painful and it hurts.
And, I'm sorry for what you went through with your MIL. I can't believe she tried to decorate your house! I had to teach my MIL that she isn't going to boss me around in my own home...or at all. She went through this phase where she would stare at me every time I walked by. She's in my living room 24/7 b/c we have nowhere else to put her. She can't walk up the stairs and refuses to try. I had to stare back at her until she quit.
I feel bad about that stuff, but I could not let her try to boss me around in my own house. In the beginning, I was fixing breakfast once. I was fixing eggs. She told me one morning that she would have oatmeal and not eggs. I was already fixing her oatmeal that day, so I gave her oatmeal, but she thought she was going to have me waiting on her hand and foot.
I later told her I'm not fixing 2 or 3 different meals. She will eat what we are having in our home. I told her this isn't a Denny's! The nerve! Ugh!
How much longer do you think this will go on for? With her attitude, I would be strongly suggesting (perhaps insisting) that she be cared for elsewhere. Does H have any sibs? Or what about a facility? Does mil pay you for her upkeep and the caregiving services you provide?
I did try to insist that she be cared for elsewhere, but it's really expensive where I live. My husband is an only child. I'm just going to have to suck it up and work through it. I'm not willing to lose my marriage over it. I have no idea how long it will go on . She's about to turn 89. It's really hard to tell if she will live several more years or just a few more months. I have no idea.
When she first got here, I thought she was going to pass soon. It's been almost 2 years...so, very hard to tell.
you make good points!
It really is difficult to tell what's going on with seniors sometimes. They often do seem quite contrary and difficult, however, I will share with you that I had a family member who was acting odd and inappropriate. She became very difficult, even though, I was helping her a lot after her foot fracture. She insisted on laying in bed and using adult diapers, even though there was no need for it. She was perfectly capable of getting up and using bedside toilet. She also refused physical therapy. The home health care workers and therapists told me they thought she was lazy and selfish. NO ONE realized that she had early dementia. Her brain damage was causing her to act that way. No long after she got it really bad and is now end stage dementia in a MC. I wish then, that I knew what was going on with her. It's just hard to tell sometimes.
It's so confusing! Yes, doctors in the beginning said MIL only had mild cognitive impairment. They are just now saying it's noticeable that she has dementia. It's super weird.
yeah, that's exactly what I had been thinking...MIL is just lazy. I don't understand why someone with dementia will just sit and watch TV? The things I have read have them wandering and getting into things (I guess it's better I'm not dealing with that!). My MIL just sits there. My grandmother had mild dementia...she would do things. She would just forget that she did them and think she needed to do them again.
Thanks for the response and insight!
It's very hard to separate dementia from personality. Dementia causes a change in personality. Reasoning, judgment, predicting the consequence of an action, self control are all degraded by dementia. Why do YOU do dishes? You can predict that unwashed dishes will pile up until there are no dishes to put your food on. You have self control, so you wash dishes rather than doing something more fun.
Please be careful not to let this situation have a negative effect on your marriage.
Their "new normal" changes and yes sometimes you don't recognize it at first so don't feel guilty. Other times, it's what they want (being pampered and taken care of hand and foot). Don't put yourself through waiting on them (unless you have to) because no telling how long you'll end up doing that.
My sister was a provider years ago but one of the things she told me when we started to see changes in my Dad was: men they favor the girls and women favor the boys. That has held true for not only our family but other families I know as well.
When my Mom started to show symptoms she stopped doing anything for herself and would not do anything for me. We would get into shouting matches because I was not going to tell her what to do. I'm pretty sure it was more than just that: aging process, she controlled everything and everyone, you remind her of what she is not anymore: young, she is no longer the queen of the castle) If my brothers told her to do something she would do it without a problem. I didn't let up though. I would continue to tell her. She stopped having the shouting matches with me. I guess she realized I was not backing down. My mom has always been stubborn. That didn't come with the Alz. I do respect her though and don't use any foul language or anything like that but I am firm with her. I also want to add that I'm more patient than most but have became stronger and so I do not always let her have her way. I try to keep her to a routine and it has helped her. They are little things like her meds, taking a shower, going to bed at the same time every night. To get to where we are now took a little over a year and it was hard. I really had to work through my own emotions to get through that. All of this has not been easy, I'm tired and sometimes angry.
For right now she is more receptive however I know that she will continue to change and I will have to figure out how to deal with her. This is a little calm before the next storm starts brewing.
Bottom line: No easy answers. I've been taking care of my Dad for 8 years now and both him and my Mom are so different. I deal with them differently.
I hope that since your MIL lives with you that you are comfortable bringing in a provider or a sitter. Someone that will give you and your husband a break. You need that. You can't focus on more important things when you are just living day to day caring your MIL's needs.
Hope this helps.