My mother is almost 95 and lives alone since my father died six years ago. I have been overseeing her home and have people coming in to clean and shop and prepare her meals and keep her company.
The back story is that six years ago, he was convicted of a felony for stealing from her. He was under probation and no contact was allowed. She bitterly disliked him and wanted nothing to do with him. Now, she is getting dementia, and can't remember that he stole from her. And he has gradually started coming to visit her. She wants the visits, because she is "so lonely". (but actually she has people there five days a week, at least). I don't think she can even remember visits. She is very needy.
He is telling her I am going to "institutionalize" her, and throw her in a nursing home. And telling her I harass him every time he comes to visit. Which isn't true because I literally have had no contact in the past 6 years.
I am finding out what he is saying from my aunt. My mother is keeping this recent stuff a secret from me.
I would like any input on how to get this to stop. It isn't productive, and truth be told, she will need to go to assisted living in the not too distant future, because of dementia, physical issues, and just not being able to live on her own. BTW, I do have financial power of attorney. My other two siblings are out of state and not really involved.
I am wondering if the grandson is even saying such things, or if your Mother is starting to develop dementia, where one side effect is telling tall tales.
I would ask the caregivers if they see any signs of dementia. I know whenever I had visited my Dad at his home, he was very sharp. It was his caregivers that was telling me that my Dad's memory was slipping.
Everyone sees signs of dementia. Her short term memory is gone, and she repeats the same thing over and over again. She can carry on a conversation, and can get up and shower, and cook her breakfast, etc. And play bridge, cause she has always done it.
She may not remember but, his record is proof for the law.
Your POA should give you the legal authority to do this, as in her right mind she wanted no contact with this person.
I have a durable power of attorney. Which indicates I am supposed to do her wishes, (I believe???)
Otherwise, do not wait any longer. From what you have described, the time is now for your Mother to move to assisted living, make her life more comfortable and secure. He can be banned from the facility.
Those of us who have seen this, experienced it will be able to give you all the signs they missed, and how they waited just a bit too long to take action on behalf of their loved one. It was more complicated after the damage had been done.
I took her to visit assisted living places two different times, have had her doctor talk to her about it. Again, she bashed me for a year, saying I was trying to throw her in a nursing home.
She did say when she turned 95 (which is in 4 months), she would leave her house. Cause that's when her mother did. But I think she will again absolutely refuse. People talk to her, but no one can get her to agree. And every conversation where you get some rational agreement is forgotten. She always says "I am doing really good for my age". I make sure someone is there to check in for 2 to 4 hours 5 to 6 days a week. And all she does is complain that she is there by herself and no company. She also goes out to play bridge two to 3 times a week. But nothing is enough when it comes to her having company. She wants the world to revolve around her
"Mom, you are no longer safe at home. Pick one of these ALs to move to on July 1 or I'm done and will resign my POA. You can manage your own affairs and let yourself end up robbed blind by your grandson and in the county nursing home as a ward of the state. Or you can go to one of these nice ALs and have all your needs taken care of."
I don't provide care for folks who abuse or bad mouth me.
I am going to print out your speech. This whole situation is getting so old and tiresome!!
Also, in a good residential environment she can make real friends, AND be appropriately cared for. DOUBLE WIN.
Not sure how this all works but I may contact Probation and see if the restraining order can be renewed like said.
As her POA it is part of your responsibility to protect her. Like said, its not how she feels about him now Dementia has set it but how she felt about him before. If he is detrimental to her wellbeing, you can ban him from the house. Good that you have her finances so he can't get to them because be assured that is why he is there.
I have a special needs nephew who was taken advantage of by an older woman. She had him thinking because they were BF and GF that his money was hers. She had him thinking they would marry. I had it out with her one day. He had 50k in a special needs account. I am sure he told her he had 50k but not that it was in an irrevokable trust. I mentioned that it was in a trust that he could not touch because I was the trustee. She backed off from that point on. Little by little. TG she eventually moved far away. He was young and had been sheltered. I think he learned from the experience.
What I am trying to say is when people realize they are not going to get anything they back off. Maybe that's what you need to make dear nephew aware of, that you are in charge. That your POA gave you the ability to take over Moms finances and because he previously stole from grandmom, that you have made her finances very secure. That because she has been declared incompetent (if you haven't gotten a formal diagnosis you should but don't tell him that) she is not capable of changing her Will. How ever it is written at this point is how it stands. She can no longer sign a contract of any kind.
Good that Mom has Caregivers you can trust. He wants something and if he is ever alone with her he may try and get it. So if you don't have in writing that because Mom has a Dementia she can no longer make informed decisions, I would get it. He could have her co-sign for a loan. With that pc of paper you can prove she was not competent tocsign.
Her current will states specifically that he has already been provided for, and he gets nothing.
arceration for stealing from his grandmother. This will be easily done and needs to be done. Your Mother is prey for him, and you already know this.
If you are not POA you need immediate temporary guardianship. Take the same papers to the same elder law attorney and get the stay away orders put in place.
Your mother is in grave danger and you need to act IMMEDIATELY before all of her money is removed from her. Your Mom, if she has dementia should not be alone at any time and she should not be in control of her finances.
I would call APS in the a.m. on Monday and get this ball rolling fast. Tell them the circumstances you told us and ask for advice about Stay Away orders from the court, POA, Guardianship, or whatever information you need.
He is now visiting and subjecting her to undue influence, possibly for financial gain, certainly undermining her mental and emotional wellbeing.
TURF to APS. They can be quite fierce when they put their minds to it and have something (like a condition of probation) to get their teeth into. Was there any time limit put on that, by the way?
And what's your aunt got to do with it? Is she sanctioning the visits, there when he is, hearing about this from your mother, or what?
I manage all her finances, and she has a considerable amount of money. So I have made sure it is safely invested and can't be accessed.
My aunt is very worried about her contact with him, and tells her she shouldn't be having him over. My mother and her chat every morning, so just as of the last month, I have started hearing that he is telling her "lies" about me. And then saying about I was going to "throw her into a home".
He texted me directly about that!!! He went over to her house and got her all upset about that. Again, my aunt Carol told me, or I wouldn't have known.
His other caretakers have been there, and have heard him say stuff about finding buyers for her house (he is in real estate).
Bottom Line: he is getting emboldened.
I have been joint on her account for 8 years. And I pay every bill and keep track of all her money, in the brokerage account and at the bank account.
I keep a limited amount of money at the bank to keep it safe.
It may be pointless, but you might rub in to your mother that she (like you) has been living by a lot of other people’s rules since she was a child, and still is. It’s totally untrue that “no one is ever going to tell her what to do".
Do the real estate licensing people know about his conviction for theft? From his *grandmother*, yet? I know the profession isn't the most highly esteemed of all for its ethics, but this almost sounds like satire.
Like a predatory python, slithering in to encircle her house.
Throw the full weight of the law against him asap. Whatever type of restraining order is available.
Seen it before. Once they find the money is held tight, they slide off to find new prey.
If needed, move Mother into care for 'respite' for safety until this danger passes. Kind of cruel to be kind.. since you arrange all her services, a break may be needed by all of them all together & since Mother cannot live alone - respite care it is. See if any of the ALs you liked could take her shortish term - 2 weeks or 2 months, for respite or even a trial.
You stated, "he was convicted of a felony for stealing from her. He was under probation and no contact was allowed."
Is the condition of no contact still in place, and if not, why?
Did Adult Protective Services (APS) place the grandson on the registry for people that have been investigated and/or guilty for ABUSE, NEGLECT, or EXPLOITATION? There is an APS registry in most states. In this particular case, it was financial exploitation and you should reach out to APS to make sure they have him on the registry. This is important because he may be emboldened to try the exploitation again with another vulnerable person, and the registry is one more transparency tool to help families do their due diligence before allowing someone in their home as a companion or caregiver.
A protective order (a.k.a. no contact order) can be granted by a court with the info you have, but again make sure he is on the APS registry.
It appears that you have a strained relationship with most of the family. Why do you think your siblings are silent, or do they share their opinions on this whole matter with you?
Your Mother has already been shysted by this grandson, she has dementia, his visits are causing her grief, end his contact with her. He is the one causing her to go to a home!
Mum wanted to stay in her home but he knew where she lived thus she had to move. Unfortunately it’s the same with your Mum.
Get in touch with an elder law attorney NOW. Do not wait. You say her grandson is "in real estate" and he's "started calling someone to do something at the house." You also stated, "Her other caretakers have been there, and have heard him say stuff about finding buyers for her house (he is in real estate).
Bottom Line: he is getting emboldened."
Yes, he IS getting emboldened and it's escalating." If he knows what he's doing, he could be looking to file a quick claim deed and sell your mother's house right from under her. She sounds as if she can "show time" really well in front of others (sounding competent and convincing) and there's no reason not to assume grandson could take her to a lawyer and convince her sign a new DPOA or any other legal document (including a new will). She sounds lonely and, of course, welcomes grandson's attention (even if it riles her up with him telling her lies).
GET TO A QUALIFIED ELDER LAW ATTY NOW! Tell him what is happening. You have no idea what he us capable of if he has financially abused her in the past.
Bottom line is you're going to have to get WAY more hands on than managing from afar in this situation. If your Mom is 95, I'm assuming you are retired? Bite the bullet and make an extended visit to her house. Get her siblings involved (your Aunt/Uncles) and have an "intervention" with her. Let them see for themselves how she is living and what you have done to keep her safe. It also sounds like your siblings are leaving everything up to you as they don't want to be involved.
It sounds like she has dementia-like symptoms and is not capable of understanding the consequences of her actions. That alone would be reason enough that she cannot continue to live at her home alone and at the mercy of predatory people. Whether she likes it or not, she's depending on YOU (as DPOA) to act in her best interests. Be the bad guy. So what? Do what you have to do without guilt. Trust me. I've had to do it.
This grandson needs a "wake up call" to back off through an attorney's letter, an order of protection from a judge, and/or a visit from local law enforcement. Plus you "texting" him is pointless. You need a face to face with this guy and bring someone along as a "witness" to what is said. Perhaps when he's "visiting" Grandma.
He's up to something and he's turning your Mother w/dementia against you. As I said, it's not safe she lives alone. She needs to be moved for her safety. It is what it is.
I am concerned about her refusal to ever leave her home. Obviously she has too. She can barely get up ( I just bought a nice lift chair for her, which she wouldn't agree too!!!!) Now, she loves it!
I have some new ideas on how to take care of stuff, with all the great responses from the forum.
The #1 abuser of the elderly is a male relative, on probation, and with drug issues.
More importantly, your mother is showing signs of being unable to live alone any longer; in fact, she shouldn’t be alone at all anymore. Along with the memory and functional loss of dementia, come other losses, including smell and taste. It is not unheard of for people with dementia to drink liquids such as household cleaners, because they cannot taste them. It is not uncommon for people with dementia to not smell things like a burning pot on the stove, which can cause a house fire. You said your mother‘s 95th is coming up shortly, so using her own words, plan on moving her as a birthday present to a wonderful new life. You will have to upsell the social aspect of assisted living. There is plenty of medical documentation showing how seniors thrive better in a community environment of assisted living than they do living alone in their homes. Personally go check out the assisted-living residences in your area, including the surrounding towns, and find the three best to show to your mother. Tell her you think she will be much happier living with a community of people and can play lots of bridge. Tell her her friends will be able to visit her at her new place and she will be able to go to the bridge parties with them . Also, tell her it is for her own safety. Accept that she will be angry with you, but it is your duty as her POA to keep her safe.
You can find information on how to select the appropriate home from the Alzheimer’s Association and from your local area Agency on Aging.
I am assuming that this child belongs to one of your out of state siblings. That parent may or may not help you with the situation.
No contact with grandson in past 6 years indicates you haven't tried to talk to him. Perhaps meet with him and explain his grandmother's situation: dementia and physical issues that are going to create dangers for her living alone. Eventually she will have to go to facility for her own safety.
2. talk with your siblings about what is going on [are grandson's parents/siblings around] to determine how to proceed.
3. look at mother's resources - money, titles, etc so you know what you have to deal with
4. talk with mother's doctors [need her permission or POA
I would not talk with grandson- at least not by yourself
Another scam he might try is to get her to sign a new will or POA, written by and attorney he knows. Her dementia needs to be medically documented. If it hasn't been, get her PCP to do a MoCA or similar screening and record that. If the PCP can't Mom needs a geriatric specialist who can address this.
When the grandson gets her riled up try saying, "Mom, you know he is just teasing you." Blow it off. Don't feed into her distress. If he is the one who upsets her and you make her feel calm and secure you will more easily maintain control.
Document her reactions after he visits. Try to establish a pattern of his getting her agitated. See if her aids can take her BP and show it is elevated after his visits. If she isn't eating or has accidents after he is there these are also signs of physical distress. This can all be used by APS to restrict his contact.