He is not diagnosed but showing a lot of signs of dementia, including anger and inappropriate behavior. We've found that spending short times with him — a simple meal, a trip to the store — are the only ways we can handle him. (He lives in AL nearby)
My daughter is graduating high school and he keeps saying he wants to come, but it's a huge school so it's going to be at a local college stadium and it will be several hours long. He has a way of making things all about him — this was true before his decline — and I just don't want to deal with it. It's my daughter's day, and we want to celebrate her. My sister will be coming from out of town so I was thinking of having a dinner the night before, something more manageable, but I know he will be upset. And yet, I can't be his caretaker on this day. I want to be there for my kid! I want to take a lot of pictures and cheer and enjoy it. Is that wrong?
Your daughter's graduation is very important. She'll remember it the rest of her life. I think, in this case, it's better to have him be upset about not going than to go and make a scene.
Tell dad you were not given enough tickets for the graduation.
He will be mad and sulk but oh well. If his behavior was better and you had a sitter to care for him & take him home when needed that would be an idea.
I would not risk anything ruining your daughter's day.
1. If you decide to let him go to the graduation, make sure that you designate someone to be your father's complete caregiver (including bathroom trips). Consider having a foldable wheelchair, in case your father gets tired of walking. Leave early enough to get there on time.
2. Use Therapeutic Lying. Tell him that the ceremony is limiting tickets to two per graduate. Let him watch the ceremony online with a designated caregiver.
2a. Have a dinner for her the evening before, instead. Also, have a designated caregiver.
Make sure that your father gets a diagnosis. His anger issues will only get worse, and he will need medication to help.
In addition, consider joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can vent without judgment and get some good advice and support:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
My heart is truly broken to this day. This was just over a year ago, and dad died shortly before the first wedding. But I have had time to consider what I wish I had done and what was possible, and I do not think, in our case, there was any other way.
A big issue that I have not seen mentioned is that I was older when I had my kids, and my girls married a bit late, making my own parents very old and sick by the time my kids' weddings finally came around. Their own parents, my grandparents, were dead before they reached the age my parents were last year--well into their 80s. My daughters had to be the focus of my day.
I have a brother who declined to attend the weddings, and I think it was in part because he would have been expected to try to bring my parents. That made all of it even harder.
My thought is to carefully consider all your options realistically, and then just accept what has to happen. Others say here often--sometimes it just is what it is.
I mean, what is the point of attending if the stress levels are so high that nobody is happy?
I’ll be content watching a recording and looking at photos
Maybe pre dementia grandpa would not want to be sitting at the graduation if he thought he might make a scene .
My parents were caring for a grand-aunt during my graduation. It was such a mixed bag. I was excited to be done with high school. I was happy my grand-aunt wanted to be there. But as I walked across the stage I could see where my parents were seated. They were paying attention to her and trying to get her to hold on a moment before going to the restroom. In the scheme of things later, it felt like a minor inconvenience. However, at the time it was such a disappointment that other family couldn't have stepped in for that day.
My parents learned from that. When I graduated from college, two aunts were broken down on the highway. They wanted my mother to pick them up. However, mom simply told them she would call a cab. Then my uncle who said college was no big deal did not want to attend but saw it as free babysitting and food for his kids. He wanted my parents to pick up and care for these two kids for hours. Mom refused. And you know what? The world kept turning and my mom and dad got the pride of their only child graduating from college and being the first in the family to do so. I didn't have to share that moment or experience with small children or anyone else who could have derailed it.
While I don't think people should be shut away from the world because of things like dementia, I do think that we all have to be selective in what we do or participate in during our lives. And sometimes our caregivers and family have to step in to remind us of that.
For example, a cousin got married on a farm last year. I knew my allergies, physical limitations, and overall bad relationship with extended family would make it a miserable experience. Instead I sent a gift and saved the airfare. I told the bride that I couldn't wait to Facetime with her and have her show me the pics so I could relive the day with her. She admitted to me recently that she loved that because we had one on one time and her special day was more than one day because of it. As she said, she couldn't talk about it in the same way with people who were there and saw everything already.
”That’s your opinion “.
My sister in law brought her mother to my mothers wake . I did not mind .
However, the poor woman who has dementia and is very confused , had no idea who anyone was or where she was . My sister in law left her alone propped in a chair in the corner of the room . The woman was visibly uncomfortable and kept asking where she was . I went over and spent some time with the woman and asked her if she was hungry or thirsty or needed to use the bathroom . The woman would have been more comfortable in her own surroundings in memory care . So yes , sometimes you protect them from “ events”.
Some times the behavior is because they are uncomfortable , it’s too crowded , too loud etc .
We are all caregivers on a daily basis but getting extra help for that day is probably the best solution.
If the elder is anything like my father he won't even care about the graduation, just that people are paying attention to him. He would be bugging whomever he was sitting next to with his constant chatter about himself.
Graduations can also be difficult for children (and plenty of adults) to sit through.
Can you bring along a relative or family friend to assist your dad if he needs or wants to leave for any reason? If not, and you fear this is a likelihood, tell him that the tickets are limited to parents and you will celebrate afterward with a graduation meal. If you feel it is unsafe for him to stay home alone, hire someone or ask a relative to stay with him or better yet, take him on an outing so that he is distracted and able to enjoy his day as well.
Let's level set. DoingMyBest has stated that her father shows signs of dementia. Including ANGER and inappropriate behavior. She has stated that he is only really managed well for SHORT durations. She has stated that JUST THE GRADUATION will be several hours. Which, by the way, very likely does not include ensuring that he is ready, picking him up from the AL, driving TO the stadium, sitting in traffic to park, walking TO the (or utilizing a wheelchair) the stadium entrance, and standing IN LINE for potentially an hour to gain entrance and the mad rush that ensues to find a seat. If you have a wheelchair, the options are usually limited. So BEFORE the graduation even starts...you probably have at least TWO HOURS in on this day.
And you probably aren't getting there RIGHT when the graduation is supposed to start. It is likely that they get there early to get good seats. And that they will still be sitting there for ATLEAST another 30 minutes until the graduation starts.
And then finally it will start. THREE HOURS of OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN walking across the stage. That will probably be a pretty good distance away depending on where they are sitting. And the better view - will be on the STADIUM SCREENS.
Let's imagine for a second how this will go. IF her father has managed to be patient for the nearly 2 1/2 hours it take just to get to the BEGINNING of the graduation - which is doubtful - are we really thinking that he is going to be able to sit for another 3 hours and patiently wait through all of those kids he doesn't know? Are we really thinking he is not going to be hungry, tired, need to go to the bathroom at least 3 times, uncomfortable, unable to see, unable to hear, ready to go home during this time?
Now...if her graduation is anything like my daughters - and most of them are pretty universal - the Principal or Headmaster will ask that everyone hold their applause until every name has been called in the interest of time. Which will promptly go right out the window as soon as the very first name is called and will not ever be adhered to for the remainder of the students crossing that stage. Add to that - the shouting, clapping - the AIRHORNS and COWBELLS. And any other noisemakers you can imagine to single out their kids. Maybe that is just our school system or just our state since I have been to other counties. But even though they are supposed to be dignified events, they often turn into somewhat of a free-for-all when it comes to celebrating the graduates.
THEN you have the after graduation - the crowds crushing out of the building to find their students. Calling out for each other, bumping into each other. Gleeful shouting and kids running across the areas to hug people. Happy screams. Sometimes balloons popping. If they graduate at night- flashes going off as people take pictures. Cars honking as graduates head off to parties.
And then the reversal of the trip to the venue.
So what was that total? Like 6 or 7 hours? How's dad doing? Is he still playing nice? Content to sit quietly while everyone focuses their attention on the graduate? Has he been startled or completed disconcerted by the noise, the crowds, the amount of time away from his normal schedule and typical environment.
So...is it still selfish to make the day about her daughter? I would counter that it is selfish to take dad. To all of them. Dad will be miserable. And so will everyone else! Let her daughter & DMB enjoy the day!! It's just one day! He can watch the video later in comfort!
That’s what graduations are like by me !!
That would be a miserable day for someone with dementia .
And, NO, he should NOT be invited to your daughters graduation.
DO NOT allow yourself to be guilt tripped into something that will have you stressed and not enjoy your daughters day.
We were guilt tripped into caregiving a family member longer than the agreed time and we missed spending family events with one of our daughters the entire week before we lost her in a tragic accident. If it helps, your dad is probably picturing his own graduation or yours which were different from graduations today.
Most of us here either have parents with dementia complicated by lifelong mental illness or are not able to quit our jobs to provide hands on care for our elderly family members.
My mom, who had Vascular Dementia, was not mentally ill but suffered from terrible anxiety. Psych meds helped, but so did being around lots of other people in her facilities. She benefitted from the professional medical care she got in her SNF.
I had/have a mortgage and no other means of support besides my job. Being mom's 24/7 caregiver would have ruined me financially.
My MIL also had dementia, but was combative and threatening. She threatened to call APS on my husband for pointing out to her that smoking with COPD was not a good idea. He walked out. He could not afford a lawyer to defend himself against abuse charges.
There are folks here who don't realize that their parents are not supposed to be calling the tune for their adult children to dance to.
Most of us are happy to arrange care, advocate for our parents, but not willing to give up our livelihoods, our time with minor children, grandchildren and aging spouses to tend folks who need professional care.
Your daughter’s graduation high school graduation happens once. You can’t do it over again. Don’t risk ruining it by taking your dad along.
Oh, by the way, my husband and I are about to celebrate our 21st anniversary, so that worked out.
The last graduation I went to and this was just last year.
Class of about 400
They (staff/administrators)allowed the "kids" / young adults to stand in line how they wanted to stand..with their friends. Not in alphabetical order.
The kids I went to see graduate..last name began with a B
I was in the bleachers,. Metal bleachers. It was cold. Graduation started about 3 but that was just the beginning. Speeches later the actual graduation started. I watched for 3 or 4 hours on a giant screen that was being shown. It was the only way to see what was going on.
Not particularly fun afternoon. There is NO way I would have been able to bring my Husband had he been even at the early stage of his dementia. I would not have trusted his balance on the bleachers, I do not think he could have or would have sat for 3 or 4 hours, actually he would not have.
There were families with young children that were having a difficult time getting young kids to behave.
Consider joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can vent without judgment and get some good advice and support:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT