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He is not diagnosed but showing a lot of signs of dementia, including anger and inappropriate behavior. We've found that spending short times with him — a simple meal, a trip to the store — are the only ways we can handle him. (He lives in AL nearby)
My daughter is graduating high school and he keeps saying he wants to come, but it's a huge school so it's going to be at a local college stadium and it will be several hours long. He has a way of making things all about him — this was true before his decline — and I just don't want to deal with it. It's my daughter's day, and we want to celebrate her. My sister will be coming from out of town so I was thinking of having a dinner the night before, something more manageable, but I know he will be upset. And yet, I can't be his caretaker on this day. I want to be there for my kid! I want to take a lot of pictures and cheer and enjoy it. Is that wrong?

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There is no need for you to feel guilty about allowing your daughter (and you) to enjoy her accomplishment.

You can and should feel sad that your dad is so diminished. But you didn't cause this decline, so no guilt.

Have a special event before and/or after that will be manageable for dad. If he gets upset, say "sorry, Dad, I can't manage the logistics".

Just tune out his grumbling after that.
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I had a similar problem where my mother in law makes everything about her. She wanted us to drive 4 hours in the opposite direction to pick her up . Then drive back retracing our drive a total of 11 hours to go to my child's college graduation. Plus we knew if we took her with us she would have fallen trying to get to a seat in the indoor stadium or at some other point. It is a very large university, a lot of walking and she needs, but refuses to use a walker, scooter, wheelchair etc. We told her that it was a big graduation class and therefore seating was limited to parents and siblings up to 4 tickets total. So my husband and I, my son and daughter in law were able to enjoy the weekend with my daughter. And it was only a 3 hour drive to get there from our home (instead of the 11 hours it would have been). A few weeks later we drove out to my mother in law and took her out to dinner locally to celebrate again.
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Don't invite.
Have a smaller, separate celebration with your daughter & Grandpa.
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DoingMyBest73 Apr 2023
I think, since my sister will be in town, having a family dinner with her (she doesn't visit very often, like once a year) will be more enjoyable for him and allow him to participate in the celebration without coming to the actual event.
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You'd be wrong TO invite your father to your daughters graduation knowing the ugly outcome beforehand! Let common sense prevail by warding off a disaster and allowing your daughter her special day. Take some videos for dad he can look at AFTERWARDS. A crowded stadium is no place to bring an angry elder w dementia under any circumstances. It gives me anxiety just thinking about such a thing, tbh. When mom was in memory care AL, we took all celebrations to HER as a way to keep control over a potentially runaway situation where her emotions and fears could and would change on a dime.

Have fun and allow yourself that opportunity.
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DoingMyBest73 Apr 2023
You hit the nail on the head with the anxiety thing. Just thinking of bringing him there has my mind racing — what if it's hot out? What are the seating arrangements? Will there be bathrooms nearby?
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Leave gramps at home.
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You deserve a drama-free day to enjoy this milestone in your daughter’s life. Leave him home. Tell him you have limited tickets.
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What does your daughter want?
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DoingMyBest73 Apr 2023
Great question! She is worried about having him there because she thinks he's going to "freak out" and somehow make me miss the ceremony, as she put it.
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Please don't spoil your daughter's graduation day by bringing your father to the ceremony. Our school system records all the graduations (multiple high schools). Does yours do that? If so, then your father could view the graduation at a later time. Perhaps your daughter could come along when you show him the video and maybe wear (or bring to put on) her cap and gown?

IF your sister insists that your father should come along (not saying she will, just throwing it out there as a possibility), then make HER his caretaker. Not you.
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DoingMyBest73 Apr 2023
This graduation is so big I think they show it on local TV (it's a huge high school, thousands of students)! That might be the best solution, if I can find out where it's being shown and arrange for him to watch.
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This is your daughter's day, it is about her, not him. Please keep your resolve. She deserves all the attention and doating on, not him.

Best of Luck!
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Zoom, Video copy, televised broadcast, a family gathering AFTER the event, ANY REASON THAT WORKS.

Your daughter’s ONLY High School Graduation. DO NOT allow it to be altered in any way except to please and honor her.
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We did not have FIL at either of my girls's graduations. He expressed interest...sort of. But it was at a huge convention center and with the mobility scooter it would have been a nightmare.

We opted to show him the online version afterwards so that we could just fastforward to the parts where our daughters could be seen. Walking in, walking across the stage and getting their diplomas, etc.

This is your daughter's day. There is no reason to spend the entire day distracted with his needs if you don't have to. You should be able to spend that time focused on her.

These big graduations are LONG!! Ours for 400 students was almost 3 hours (and the announcer barely took a breath between names)....and you couldn't go in until the school before finished (and waited in line outside for an hour to get in!)....and you couldn't linger because another school was right on your heels.

For what it's worth, when we showed him the playback...he barely paid attention. He asked multiple times what he was watching. He doesn't have any mental capacity issues. Just vision. So he wouldn't have been able to see at the actual grad anyway. He had a better chance on his computer!! And he had very little interest in the few minutes we showed him. I can't imagine what would have happened if we tried to take him for 3 hours (PLUS the line)!!!
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I told this story before and it needs repeating. I went to a graduation party for a relative of my husband. Neighbor lady was there as her son had graduated too. Her elderly mother lives with them and they took her to the graduation. In the middle of it she declares she is too hot and wants to go home so neighbor lady takes her. By the time she got back she missed her son graduating. I never heard a scarier story in my life and I resolved then and there that my father would not be attending my kids' graduation. We'd take him to dinner afterwards but there would be no way we could have him at the graduation. He too would have some medical emergency to switch the focus on himself. I was not about to miss out on a once in a lifetime moment in my child's life because a senior felt their comfort/wants were the priority.
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We did take my parents with us so they could see their granddaughter graduate from college. The college was less than a three-hour drive from our home, but we stayed in a motel the night before and the night after the graduation, knowing that Mom wouldn't be able to make the round trip in one day. She was in moderately poor health and using a wheelchair, but she had no dementia.

It was a nightmare! She had health issues flare up unexpectedly and required a great deal of our attention and energy; it was very stressful. And, as others have said, it was very difficult navigating the wheelchair in the gym, and it also limited where we could sit.

I think she actually felt much worse than she told us; and, had she known how hard it would be on both her and us, she would have much rather stayed at home. I love my mom dearly, but I really regret that we took her with us.

I think the decision you've made to not take your father with you is very wise - especially since your daughter herself is concerned about what may happen. We were fortunate that we were able to keep the stresses due to Mom's health "under the radar", so my daughter wasn't aware of the problems until after the ceremony was over; but I don't think there's any way in the world that your father's needs and behavior wouldn't cause your daughter (and you and your Dad) a lot of distress on her big day.

Go, enjoy, celebrate! And congratulations to your daughter :)
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It would be best to not bring him. Maybe have a party afterwards at your home with him there.
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Don't bring him to the graduation. There comes a time in dementia when the person cannot be taken out anymore.
Your father doesn't sound like he's quite there yet, but he does sound like he's at the point where he could not handle a big crowd.
I'm going to speak plainly to you. He will be an embarrassment to your daughter and your family. If he already has anger problems and issues with inappropriate behavior and comments, what do you think is going happen in a stadium full of people?
God forbid if one of the graduates getting a diploma isn't attractive. Or maybe there's overweight students graduating? Or students of different races and colors?
Don't ruin their day. Leave him at home.
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lkdrymom Apr 2023
You are so right. Reminds me why I stopped taking my father to my daughter’s softball games. He had to comment on every kid. I was mortified when he referred to one as a little “fatty”. We were sitting right behind her family
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No, don't take him. Even in Moms early stages she lasted about an hour out of the house. Church, we had to stop because she became so overwhelmed. Our Church had an on-line service so I would place my laptop on a table in front of her and she thought she was in Church. Mom was in her last stages when my niece got married 8 hrs away at a resort. By this time she was incontinent and really not with it. She was living with us and I needed time away. Found a nice AL for respite care, turned out they were having a half off sale on room and board so I ended up placing her.

As said, this is your daughters day and she is uncomfortable about him coming. She will be anxious and not be able to enjoy her own graduation if you take him.
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He gets to watch on TV, because honestly, graduations are a nightmare and he can watch while holding a drink, snacking, and having close access to the bathroom. He's the lucky one.

My parents watched my kids' graduations live on YouTube in the comfort of my cousin's living room. I know my dad would have preferred to be there in person, but my mom couldn't manage it. It also prevented her from making a scene when they mispronounced my daughter's (and my mom's) middle name -- a totally common name. 🙄
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Catskie62 Apr 2023
Dont you just hate that?! Kinda like mispronouncing Smith. Not a hard name
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DoingMyBest - you told Countrymouse that your daughter is worried that her grandfather will "freak out" and make you miss the ceremony.

I can completely understand why she is worried - and honestly - this answer is all I really need to know. SHE doesn't want him there. That should be what you go by. SHE is worried that YOU will miss her walk across the stage. It won't matter if you miss it or not. It won't matter if your eyes are on her the entire time. Because if he is there - she will spend the ENTIRE ceremony - worrying that you have been pulled away. She won't know until AFTER whether you were able to see her graduate. Because her entire ceremony will be spent - for her - worrying. Which means - if he is there - for her - the entire ceremony will probably be ruined - she won't enjoy it. Even if you and the rest of the family do. And that's not really fair to her.

If I'm honest - she may worry anyway - whether he is there or not - because she may worry that your phone will ring and he will be calling and need you. Or that he may have to go to the ER at just the wrong moment. Or any number of reasons why he could interrupt her graduation. But at least this particular fear you can put at ease ahead of time.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@BlueEyedGirl94

Excellent points. I totally forgot about the possiblity of the "freak out" at the last minute so the OP misses the graduation entirely and the senior is the center of attention once again.
This happens even when there isn't dementia. My mother is famous for it. Having "chest pains" is one of her favorite go-to's.
She pulled this one when I was loading my luggage into the car to leave for my friend's three-day Indian wedding.
Her reasoning was could I catch another flight and just take her to the ER?
She knew full well that a flight like that is very expensive even when it's booked far in advance.
I went anyway and had the time of my life. That was a long time ago. My mother is still around and still pulling the "freak out" crap.
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Many schools now are limiting the number of people that each graduate can invite. If this is the case just tell dad there are not enough seats.
Also I can imagine sitting on metal or even wood bleachers is not comfortable.

I am sure there will be a party after. Is there a way that you could get 1 or 2 family members to stay at your house, where I presume a party will be, and set up. Dad can help with the set up. Tell him you need him to help.

If this is not possible then just tell him that There are not enough seats and the family will have a celebration the night before.
If he does not come the day of the graduation I would suggest that your daughter stop by the AL in her cap and gown with her diploma to see him.
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I haven't read any answers here, but I think that your daughter deserves her graduation to be without this kind of potential for disturbance and harm. There will now be many times that your father will have to be told "No", that there is some place he cannot attend. If he is beyond being able to understand this, then he is beyond that.

Why not try to include him in a quiet celebration at home after the celebration itself?
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fluffy1966 Apr 2023
Good sense talking here. The Graduate may have other plans for after the Ceremony, but while she still has her Cap and Gown: Have a special family dinner "out" somewhere, or even at home...Play "Pomp and Circumstance" in the background, a kind of 'mini Graduation'. Just there thought and worry of "Will he behave properly?" is enough added stress to totally ruin your day or evening....I'm a retired teacher, and Graduation Ceremonies are long, arduous, require good behavior, and would be totally boring for your Dad. Is there a "Zoom" capacity running during the Graduation where he could watch on computer from home? (unless that would make him mad to not be there). Do not sacrifice your own peace of mind with worry about what your Dad might do. Arrange an alternate celebration at home or at a quiet restaurant. Tell your father that there are limited admittance tickets (this is true for where I live, in a big city) and that there is no ticket for him. Mom, you do not need the added stress and worry that his presence will most certainly bring.
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I can’t think of anything more miserable for all of you than hoping he’ll sit through a commencement ceremony. The only good thing about graduations is when “our graduate” walks across the stage. The rest of it - big snore zzzzzzzzzz. Especially for a dementia patient. Make other plans for gramps even if you have to fib. Go and enjoy. Then have a nice home party a few days later where graduate can don cap and gown for pix with gramps before he falls asleep in the recliner.
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This is a no brainer! He stays home. Your daughter comes first. All of you deserve to enjoy her special day.

Take photos and share them with him afterwards. If he grumbles, too bad. It’s your daughter’s day, not his.

One of my good friends did not invite her mom to her wedding because she would have ruined the wedding. Her mom still complains to everyone about not being invited many years later.

Everyone has told her mom that she would have been invited if she hadn’t tried to run the show and be the center of attention.

She was selfish and couldn’t allow her daughter to plan her special wedding day. I find it despicable when a mother tries to compete with her daughter.

Show your daughter that it is her special day and that you wouldn’t risk ruining it for anything in the world.
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lkdrymom Apr 2023
I did not invite my father to my son's local reception (he had a destination wedding so only 16 people were there total). It would have been way too much work for me to deal with and he would expect me to cater to him for the entire time. I wanted to be the mother of the groom , not caretaker to the groom's grandpa. Others suggested I hire someone to watch him but that would have been a huge amount of work and coordination and my father would have made the event about himself. I did not need the stress ruining it for me.
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Dear DMB73,
A few short years ago I was in your shoes. My son was graduating from high school and I did not want to be caretaker for my parents on that day. I just didn't want to deal with them and enjoy a huge event in my child's life. In my case, my son asked me to not bring them so I respected his request. Yes, there was a major senior brat meltdown but I stood my ground. If you are frustrated
by your dad's behavior so is your daughter. She is tired of grandpa too. You know your dad's limitations. Let your dad be upset and do what you would like to do. Don't let him ruin your daughter's day.
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Don't do it. I let my mother talk me in to taking her to my son's high school graduation, even though she was not feeling well. I won't go into detail, but it was a disaster. A friend later said to me "just because you can doesn't mean you should". I learned to live by that motto.
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fluffy1966 Apr 2023
Amen!
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No.
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Patathome01 Apr 2023
Please leave your father home, not to the graduation to ruin your daughter's day planned months before. Like other readers had said, have a private dinner with Dad at home before the event, then show pictures the Day After the Event.

Patathome01
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You're not wrong to leave your dad out of the graduation.

If he gets upset, then he just gets upset. Let him have his own emotions - don't take them on yourself. You're not being unkind.

Having him at the dinner the night before would be very nice.

Here's my experience with that sort of thing:
In 2019, my daughter wanted to have Thanksgiving at her new home and I was thrilled to hand it off to her. My mother was living with me back then (still is) and was still able to get out. So off we went. You know what happened? My mother almost ruined the day. I wanted to stay awhile after the meal to help my daughter clean up and to visit with everyone. But that was not be enjoyed. My mother would not stop complaining about wanting to leave. So I cut the visit short and we left. Then? She launched into me and fussed me out the entire drive home (about 15 minutes) because I made her stay longer than she wanted to stay. Ugh.

So my advice is to leave your father out of the graduation day and don't accept any false guilt about doing that. You don't get this day back and y'all deserve to be able to celebrate happily.

Peace.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@southiebella

Why would you ever tolerate that nonsense? When a senior brat has a tantrum and is acting up, you handle it the same way you would when it's a child.
When the complaining started up, you should have found a quiet corner of the house, put a chair in it and sat her down in it. Then everyone ignore her until she's either ready to behave and join in the party, or YOU ARE ready to leave.
My mother pulled exactly this at our family reunion last year.
She wanted to go home about two hours in and started giving one of her 'performances'. I gave her a choice. She could go stay in the car until I'm ready to go, get someone else to take her home, or we can call an ambulance and have her taken to the ER to get checked out. She didn't dare start up with her usual verbal abuse, nastiness, and complaining because there were people around. Most of my family knows what she's about and no one paid her performance any attention. So she switched performances and started playing the martyr one instead by going and waiting alone in the car. That lasted about half an hour because no one went to her and there was no attention. So she came back to the picnic area and sat in silence with her head down for a couple of hours. No one ignored her like she wasn't even there. Everyone ignored the performance. She was offered good food and drink that she refused. No one was going to beg or coax her to eat. No one was going to indulge her by listenening to any complaining or villifying of me. A few hours later when I was ready to go, we left. She was silent the whole way home (over an hour drive).
This is how you handle a senior brat. You don't go rushing to take them home. You put them in a corner or in front of a tv and pay them no attention until they stop acting up.
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Not wrong. Check your guilt at the door. Your care for him makes up for this 10x over. Do what you need to do to protect your joyous family day.

I can say this because I have learned it. I have been caretaker to my father. I can no longer travel with him. We have a family wedding this fall. I’m facing the same ordeal and won’t allow his attendance to monopolize the event.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@Alice

Don't take him to the wedding. Guaranteed he will ruin the day.
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This is your daughters day but it’s also yours so let’s start with what does your daughter want? Does she feel strongly about him being there or not? If she has any trepidation, there is your answer but if she doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other and you would like to be able to make it happen for all of you just not be the one in charge of him maybe your sister could be in charge of dad or a combination of your sister and someone from the AL who knows him and could take him back if he gets…tired. If the decision is he shouldn’t go you could tell him that there are a set number of tickets available to each graduate and there aren’t enough for him to go, something like that.

When my niece graduated I was in charge of my mom, I drove her separately, I took her to the lunch afterwards and I took her home when it was time. My brothers job was to enjoy his daughters graduation but my mom isn’t inappropriate and my niece wanted both of us there. She did in fact have a limited number of tickets so the luncheon afterwards (at a restaurant) included the special people she would have liked to invite but couldn’t.

The other option since it’s a stadium and moving in and out of seats might be hard is to have him in a separate “handicap” section or in a seat on the ground with an aid, relative or family friend who can take him home if it gets to be too much, they would take him and be in charge of him you and your sister/family could check in with him before and or afterward if it all works out making him a part of the day but not have to deal with him or his attitude should there be one. It is bound to be far to hectic with all those people so you could have a plan to meet with you daughter afterwards in a certain spot to get a few photos with Grandpa and then his minder takes him home.

All I’m trying to say is it doesn’t have to be a simple “no” and if it is for you it doesn’t have to be presented that way to him but you don’t have to make it happen either if you or your daughter really don’t want to.

Congratulations to your daughter and her parents!
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No not wrong. If he insists on coming then assign another family member to be in charge of driving him there and managing him, and being willing to take him home early if he’s not handling it well. Otherwise, don’t have him come at all and let him be mad, because you’ll never get that day back.
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With everything happening today from lack of funds to pandemics and inability to travel to social norms many schools are offering web-based attendance (such as Zoom) so every and anyone can attend any kinds of ceremony. Get your daughter involved to assist you in looking up the school website to learn if they are going to do that sort of thing for her graduation - my bet is that they are.

THEN have your granddaughter and grandfather work out a subtle sign when she walks across the stage to let him know she knows he is there with her, like tugging on her ear (like Carol Burnett) or a small wave down low. Trust me he will be thrilled to be in comfortable surroundings at home and your stress level can be reduced. Most importantly your daughter's acknowledgement that he's watching as she crosses the stage will mean more than words can say. Don't forget to meet up with him (with your daughter) after so he can enjoy the excitement. Good luck!
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