My husband is 83 with mid to late stage Alzheimer's. I am sole caregiver with an aide two days a week for 4 hours each. I am in process of cleaning out my old home to sell which is where my "free" time goes. Almost done thank God. My 95 year old mother still lives on own but feeling lonely as her friends have all died or in nursing homes. Problem my oldest brother thinks I should spend a day a week with her. She lives an hour away from me and my husband gets upset after 20 minutes in car. He keeps putting guilt trip on. I have 1 sister and three brothers only one still working. I feel 3 not working should take on this task. Am I wrong?
"I can't possibly do more than I doing."
It's not your job to solve that problem. It's hers.
Right now, your hands are more than full. Tell your brother/mother that your husband has no other good choices right now. He is your first responsibility.
Once u do that, don't answer his calls, let them go to VM. Then u can pick the ones you want to answer.
Have you ever considered blocking brother's phone number?
I would be completely frank and say that you have your own responsibilities. Mom should hire help if they need additional assistance. I am sorry that you are being made to feel guilty.
Your mother doesn't have any care needs, as such? This is a matter of her seeing her children, and socialisation in general?
How is your relationship with your mother? Disregard what your brother says; think for yourself whether you would like to see more of her - or maybe call her, if she's okay with phone conversations - and act accordingly.
Don't subject your husband to car journeys or visits that he can't handle, certainly. His needs come first. Or is your brother offering to come and stay with your husband so that you're free to visit your mother..? - no, thought not.
If some of your mother's friends are in nursing homes, perhaps one or more of the three retired siblings might like to take mother to visit them. It would be nice for mother, lovely for the NH residents, and a change of scene/activity for the visiting sibling - win:win:win.
Usually I try to read people's threads with an open mind & don't judge. But your brother is a goat.
Give me his phone number. I'll ring him up for you & tell him.
Maybe she needs some hired help and/or to go into a home.
2. The 💩 sandwich method:
That's so nice of you to be looking out for Mum. I'm sorry it is just not possible for us to travel anymore to spend a day but it is a good idea for Mum to be more social. Can I help you to brainstorm other ideas?
3. Softly spoken with honesty: I've tried not to burden the rest of the family with what DH & I are dealing with, the ALZ. It's really tough. I'm so sorry I can't get to see Mum more but I really can't be on two places at once & he really needs me here.
4. The Castle movie quote: tell him he's dreamin' (must be said in Ocker Ozzie accent).
Better yet tell brother you have enough to do. I know because I have unreasonable relatives like that. They only think of themselves.
Better yet ignore, block your brother. Don't answer his phone calls, don't read or answer his emails. It will probably only be negative.
Just call Mom when u can. If she says she would love to see you just tell her what I said only nicer. Sorry Mom, but DH is not doing well and I can not leave him alone and the drive overwhelms him. I would love to be there but I just can't and I am not sure when I can because DH will just get worse.
Oops, did not see that XenaJada already said that.😉
You can give me his cell number as well and let me talk to him...I promise I won't hurt him too much lol
i will be praying for you that you find peace and your family will step up. It’s hard work to be a caregiver.