My wife was diagnosed with a mild case of Alzheimer's, in 2017. She was then, and still is now, in total denial. In the last year she has not taken a bath or shower. Also, she doesn't wash or clean her clothes. She doesn't allow me to touch her clothes and she won't even shower with me.
Your wife is comparatively young for her diagnosis. If it was made five years ago, and was accurate, then her Alzheimer's Disease is most unlikely still to be anything like "mild." Does anyone besides you have eyes on how she is doing physically, or mentally?
Blessings
I do hope this helps you, K, but I also know that everyone is different.
Every time my mom wears ANYTHING, the rule is that is goes in the laundry. She either get food, pee or poop on virtually everything she wears so there's no reason to take any chances. It goes in the hamper, end of story. So anything I find on the floor of her closet, in the hamper it goes. I have the aides do her laundry and help her put it away too. It's such a relief.
Please get some help ASAP. Ask around for a private caregiver or hire through an agency. It will be a great help for both of you.
I'm sorry that your wife is so young to be this far into dementia.
Five years is a very long time to go without an update on a progressive neurological illness.
Please get her to a geriatric specialist - ideally one focused on memory care.
Work with a team (geriatrician, geriatric nurse practitioner, neurologist, and social worker) to create a plan of care for your wife.
Azheimers is often a disease that requires total care and you need a team to understand:
1. Your wife's current medical status.
2. The appropriate support she needs now - and what of those things you can do for her and what you must look for supportive care to do.
3. The indicators you need to look for to adjust the current care and know what plan will be next.
Too many people try to keep very sick loved ones at home without the proper care. This hurts both the dementia patient and the caregiver. Please find a team to help you.
Sounds like she's ready for Memory Care, but the professional can make that determination. Perhaps with medications, she could be accepted into Assisted Living, but I'm not sure.
Other times, it’s my moms offer to shower with him that finally gets him in there. But they are both 91, and mom can hardly stand so this is a nerve-racking proposition. I always stand guard outside the door, ready to pounce in case I hear sounds of distress or thuds of a fall. All I ever usually hear is giggling.
Do you have hired caregiver help? You need an in-home aide.
You and the aide tell her that it's shower time. If she refuses tell her that her doctor insists that she wash up and change her clothes otherwise he will put her in a nursing home. This usually does the trick to get someone washed and changed.
If it doesn't then you and the aide are going to have to be a little bit intimidating. Yes, sometimes being a little bit harsh is what it takes. Believe me, a person recovers a lot faster from a little mean intimidating a lot easier than from skin breakdown and UTI's from being filthy. I was an in-home caregiver almost 25 years and I learned from experience that sometimes you just have to force the person into the shower and let them throw a tantrum.
I had one client years ago whose family was at their wits end with her. She lived in her son's house. Her DIL was her caregiver and this poor woman was at the end of her rope. Her MIL refused to wash or change her clothes, and was incontinent. She'd sit in a soiled, peed and crapped through Depend all day and deny that it was soiled. She had mild dementia compounded with severe stubbornness.
I came in there and told her she crapped herself and needed to get changed. She denied it and started having a tantrum. I grabbed her arm and put her hand in her pants. Then I put the hand right up her face so she could see and smell it for herself. It took some battling but I was able to get her into the shower with her DIL to help. I showered her twice a week for five years. Her DIL was able to get her to change the Depend when she's crap and pee in it because she learned what to say. I told her to threaten her with calling her son to come home from work if she won't get cleaned up and that he will get fired from his job for leaving because of her. This worked for a long time until they had finally had to place her.
Sundays have become her shower day and even though she tries to resist, I just tell her that she has no choice, that it's my duty as her daughter/caregiver to make sure that she is clean.
That usually gets her to go along even though she doesn't like it.
I've got it down to a science now and and can get the entire affair completed with hair rolled, clean clothes, clean sheets, etc. in about 1.5 hours.
She gets clean clothes every day. When she is on the toilet, and I'm dealing with her depends change, I will change her pajama pants. I'll tell her to take off her shirt to change that too and if she doesn't, I just pull it over her head myself.
She doesn't get to run the show.
My Husband was sort of like that but he would fold up his clothes and when he went to bed I would pick up the soiled clothes and replace them with clean clothes. I do not think he ever noticed.
As far as the shower or bath. There are caregivers that have a special knack in getting people to shower or bathe. Call a few agencies and ask if they have Shower Aides.
Have you contacted Hospice to help you out?
Hospice will proved a CNA that will come and shower or bathe 2 times a week. They will also change bedding if needed and order supplies.
There is a very good chance that your wife would qualify for Hospice and with that you will get the help you need, supplies delivered, equipment when you need it. A Nurse will come at least 1 time a week. There are many other services that Hospice will provide. It is worth a phone call.
If you break your ankle you see it & feel it. Dementia causes damage to the tiny cells in the brain, these cannot be felt by the person.
However, someone can be aware they can't seem to think straight, feel foggy or know they get muddled at times.
Resisting bathing & changing clothing is very very common.
My own thoughts are this is caused by a combination of factors;
- The task is now too long / too hard for them. They will avoid starting a sequences they can't complete. Wish to avoid appearing foolish or get embarrassed asking for help.
- Diminished short term memory. Can't place when last shower/clothes change was. May state they already showered (but haven't all week). May say clothes have been changed (but worn many days/weeks).
- Diminished sensory info. Can't smell their body odour or clothes. Cannot recognise stains on clothing.
I am truly sorry for your wife's diagnosis. It is hard indeed to look at the positives, but this can help you. Look at what she CAN still do - as this incidious disease is progressive. Skills will continue to go.
To be frank, it seems your wife is no longer independent with bathing & clothing changing/washing. So it's time to start looking into a hired Care Worker to provide shower assist 2 times a week. Also for light housekeeping to lighten your load.
Try to celebrate the daily things you can enjoy together, music, books, photos, gardening - whatever you like to do.
Best wishes to you both.
Also, consider getting her multiples of the same outfits, so she won't know if she's wearing the same one or not. Use unscented detergent and fabric softeners, because the scents might bother her.
I worked for a Nobel Prize-winning scientist one summer who wore the same thing every day. Since he didn't smell, I eventually figured out that he just didn't want to think about what to wear, so he had multiples of the same clothes. It's really a pretty smart way to go when you think about it.
My daughter worked in NHs for 20 yrs as an LPN later RN. She says one way to get some to shower is to make them think they made the choice. Never ask ur wife if she wants to shower, the answer will be no. My daughter told her residents "time to shower". If no was the answer, she would say "Mrs B, don't you want to be fresh, clean and smell good then put on all clean and fresh clothes?" She says she usually then gets a yes. Mrs B made her own decision.
I believe that those suffering from any Dementia become like a small child and that is how you deal with them. Small children do not like showers. The only way you get them to bathe is letting them play with tub toys or have a bubble bath. Wonder if ur wife would go for a bubble bath?
My Mom had a small bath. It was a powder room that we had a shower put in. The bathroom should be warm. I used to put a small heater in Moms to get it warm. I had a shower chair I put in the shower back away from the shower head. I had a hand held shower head. I placed her on seat. Mom would wash her face with just water on a washcloth. I would rinse her down, turn off the water, then soap her up real good. Then I would rinse her off. She never fought me washing her hair. I would have her lean her head back rinse, wash, rinse and quickly rap her head up in a towel. To do her private area I would have her stand with her back to me (there was a rail) open her legs and use the handheld to get water up there. I had a hand towel on the toilet seat when she got out and a towel handy. I dried her and put on clean Depends and her bra. Place was too small to fully dress her so did that as we got into her room which was right out the bathroom door. Everything done as quick as safely possible.
Your wife only needs an actual shower 1 or 2x a week. You can do a sponge bath in between. If you help her toilet, making sure she is clean should be OK. I use Huggies, bigger and thicker than those women wipes. There are dry shampoos.
Since she can’t remember that she actually enjoys the showering experience, she is often reluctant to go. I have to entice her any way I can. E.g. Mom, you’ve got an appointment tomorrow morning so if you have your shower now, you won’t have to get up so early tomorrow.
I’ve also bought lots of pull-on stretchy pants, t-shirts and cardigans in her favorite colors that can be mix-and-matched, not to mention easily laundered.
Please learn as much as you can about Alzheimers. That way when your wife advances into another stage it won't be a total surprise. Go to the blue/green bar at the top of this page.... click on CARE TOPICS.... now look for Alzheimer's/Dementia. There is a lot of excellent articles regarding this disease.
As for showering, in the articles you will find that some people don't like the water hitting on them, it hurts them. There is the fear of confined spaces. There is the fear of falling. Plus showering or bathing feel like a day at the gym, it can be very exhausting.
As for your wife's clothes. Unless your wife is shadowing you around the clock, it should be easy to just get those clothes out of the hamper and wash them.
I would take her clothes and wash them … I’m sure getting her to change is another story..