My father is 80, Vietnam veteran/marines, and is dying from lung cancer. My father has never been a happy man. Angry alcoholic, tough to the core, and mean. Extremely controlling. I’m caring for him now along with my mother. I’ve been there every day since Jan 3. 2 weeks ago he pushed me to the limit and I lost it. Crying is hated in my family. I’m the emotional one. I WANT to care for my father. I want to be there at the end to comfort him. But he rips into me, saying” are you stupid? You can’t sit down because you’re fat, you haven’t amounted to anything, he looks at me with disgust. He gives these death stares where I’m sure he wants to choke me out. I’m afraid of him. And I love him. If he lashes out at me, I feel worthless as if I shouldn’t be here. It’s worse now because he is rarely lucid. Except when he’s really angry. My mother is in denial and she frustrates me to no end. We met with hospice who said it’s definately time. Then she backed out. He needs it. We need it.
Get out and call Adult Protective Services. Let them deal with this mess.
Loving someone doesn't mean you sacrifice your mental and physical health for them. What you're doing isn't helping him and it's damaging you.
Being "tough" doesn't mean your father has to be ugly and hurtful towards you. Or that you have to accept his abuse because "that's how he is" or because he's dying. There's no acceptable excuse for your father being a miserable bully. Your love for him doesn't allow his abuse or make it okay, either. It's disgraceful and undeserved.
Stay away from the man until and unless he can act civilized towards you. He doesn't want your "comfort". Understand that and back off unless he calls for you and then decide what to do.
I'm sorry you're going thru such a thing. Sending you a hug and a prayer for you to realize you ARE a good human and worthy of so much more than you're being given from an angry and bitter old man.
You need loving parents.
Well, you didn't get them.
You need to be treated with decency and respect.
Well, you didn't get that.
You need to be valued and they don't value you.
And the disrespect with which you are treated leads you still to be there?
Why?
You say it is because you LOVE him.
Yet I have not heard a single solitary lovable thing about him yet. I believe, good hearted as you are you may PITY him. I doubt very much that you love him as there is nothing there to love.
You told us this:
That your father is a "Angry alcoholic, tough to the core, and mean". That isn't tough. That isn't courage of any kind. That is cowardice. And a kind of rot to the core, imho.
You are an adult now.
You need now to decide where to give YOUR love and respect.
I think it is wasted on an angry, alcoholic, mean man.
Many abused people hang around hoping they will get the one thing they need, the words "I love you; I feel so lucky to have you".
I honestly can't even get to the fingers of one hand counting how many times THAT has happened in my 81 years of experience. Not from abusers.
Your father is dying. If he is dying "loved by you" then he already has much more than he deserves imho.
I hope, when he is dead, that you move on CHOOSING BETTER who you give your precious love to, because angry, mean alcoholics are not deserving of it. And choosing them is a great mistake.
You are busy now, but when he is dead I highly recommend you seek counseling to comb out a different way to move forward to a life in which you respect and love YOURSELF first. You were unlucky to be born to someone so limited he could not even muster up enough courage to be a decent and loving dad. That was luck. But moving forward your choices will dictate the beauty of your life, not luck.
I wish you the best. I am hoping you can at least celebrate the fact that your father will not have to endure a life of pain, and that you will not have to stand witness to his suffering.
Let mom come out of her denial to get hospice help.
There is no need for you to subject yourself to this level of abuse making you feel bad about yourself.
Are you his PoA? Is anyone?
If no one is his PoA, and you think your Mom is not really capable of making the hospice decision for him, then I'd have a conversation with the hospice people to see how the "decision tree" hierarchy is in this situation.
I'm so sorry for these circumstances. May you receive peace in your heart that you're doing your best.
Support your mom--from a distance, if needed.
It's OK to 'divorce' yourself from toxic people. Eternity is a long time and will someday, not in this life, give you peace.
I divorced my MIL 4 years before she died. I literally walked out of her house and her life and never saw her again. It was the smartest thing I ever did.
Not until her last days, did my DH finally understand why I did what I did. She had nothing good to say to or about me and I'd leave her home in tears, more often than not.
He is not alone, he has your Mom. Hospice would help because they will give him anxiety meds to calm him down. Morphine for pain Tylenol will not work on.
When he starts on you, walk away.
It seems like the more you fawn over him and insist you love him despite his being a cold-hearted bully… you want your father to finally see you as a good daughter and that you made him proud. If you’re not wanting the deathbed “I always loved you and I’m sorry for how l was mean to you” it’s not going to happen.
Alloing him to abuse you still is an indicator that you have low self esteem. If your own father treats you like garbage, then of course you feel like you’re garbage too. You took, and still take, the abuse because deep down, you feel you deserve it.
If the situation were reversed and you were dying, would he be there for you?
Not saying you should forget him and walk away. But you can step back and really think about why you desperately love a man who tried to destroy you.
I give you credit for hanging in, but ask yourself why you are. If you are looking for some sort of warm and fuzzy deathbed Hollywood moment where he says he loves you and appreciates your sacrifices, that probably won’t be happening.
When you can no longer handle the abuse, leave.
You are a precious, valuable, kindhearted, and considerate human being. Even if you didn't have all those desirable traits, you would be worthy of respect JUST BY BEING BORN HUMAN. You have a right to your feelings as well as to the expression of your emotions. You have a right to protect yourself from those who would do you harm, and that includes your dad. I'm not sure where mom is in this mess, but I sense that she hasn't protected you from him, possibly ever. If that's the case, you might consider letting her tough it out all by herself.
If mom isn't up for hospice, I hope she's in touch with the VA. If Bad Dad could at least go to one of their facilities, he'd be out of the house with full-time professional care. You can help mom by volunteering to call the VA in your area and getting in touch with a representative who will come to you to let you know what perks are open to your dad. In my area, I contact them through the county courthouse, veterans services department.
When you post again, please tell me why you love this person. I'm finding that really difficult to understand.
my father can read people in about 30secs. And usually he’s right. I’ve always feared my dad, but looked up to him at same time
I would agree with others that the only real way to be helped is to leave the situation, there is no real middle ground withe people like that.
But it sounds like you have made the decision to stay, for what you believe to be good reasons. The rest of us can agree or disagree with that but it is your decision. But the cost of that decision is you will continue to be abused like you describe. I dont see how you can stay and not be abused.
The good news in a way is if he could even qualify for hospice, the end is in sight
Let mom, the one that does not want Hospice in to help do the caregiving that you have been doing.
Back off.
If you are being threatened, verbally abused walk away.
Has your dad been in the VA "system"?
It is very possible that the VA will provide caregivers to help out.
And there is a VERY good possibility that he is due some compensation for what may quite possibly be "Service Connected Disabilities"
PLEASE contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine if he qualifies for help and if so how much.
You have been sold a bill of goods about parental love.
But, please help yourself. Your grief will leave you feeling undone. Start now giving yourself the compassion you deserve. Peace, peace, peace.
"The Facts of Life", by Padraig O' Tuama
https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5zaW1wbGVjYXN0LmNvbS9BdUF4SF9CZg/episode/MTQzOGJhYzEtYzFmZC00OTVjLTk5MmYtZTVlZTEyZWM4MmI3?ep=14
Maybe they will also help him to calm down.
Your father will not change whether you love him and want to help him. Do not wait for his acceptance and approval.
You need to accept yourself by working on your self esteem, nobody can take away your self worth unless you allow them.
But you need to start now, leave anytime he starts yelling or putting you down.
And please right away seek therapy. Don’t wait until he dies.
I don't at all believe your "father can read people in about 30 seconds" and usually be right. If he could, he would have been able to read what your sister needed from him and perhaps been able to prevent her taking her own life. If he could read you he would see what you needed and need from him. HE IS NOT RIGHT ABOUT THE ABUSIVE THINGS HE SAYS TO YOU! If he could read other people he would see how damaging his alcoholism and anger and abuse are. I think he must have a lot of self-loathing. You did not create his pain and you cannot fix it or him.
I don't know if you have ever been to ALANON (or your Dad to AA, but a moot point now), but if not, you definitely would benefit from starting there and/or getting counseling. You will never get your father's approval. You need to approve YOURSELF!
As for the current situation-- let your in-denial mother (in more ways than one) do the hands on care with him. If she wants to continue to enable him and sacrifice herself to him that is her choice. Her staying and enabling him and accepting the drinking and abuse over the years has harmed the entire family. You do not need to go down with the ship! Other caregivers would be a help. Call his doctor to get recommendations for caregiving groups. Has the doctor ordered any home health? Hospice would be best but if your mother is not there yet perhaps she would accept home health caregivers or privately hired caregivers. Call your area council on aging. Call the VA. Call a geriatric care manager to come do an eval. That may help your Mom with her care decisions going forward. You can provide background support to your Mom and respect to your Dad by looking into these options, but please respect and love yourself enough to stay out of the line of abusive fire. In what way is subjecting yourself to more half-lucid abuse benefitting you OR him? Just more trauma and bad memories later.
Please, please, definitely seek therapy NOW ASAP. You may be able to get some insight before he dies which may help you after, when there are no do-overs. I am no therapist but sounds like a lot of co-dependence here, possibly mistaken for love. You can have better than this in your life. It is up to you. Love yourself enough to get support! You are a good person! You are a good daughter! Believe us, we can tell by what you say here. Find a supportive group of mentally healthy people to surround yourself with. You will need them going forward. We care about you here on this forum. I ask God for his wisdom and help in a time such as this.
I hope you will go on with your own life now, with forgiveness for him and for his limitations, and making your life as happy as you are able. Wishing you the very best.
May The Lord give you peace, comfort and strength. May your future be full of happiness and joy and lost memories of a dad that wasn't, for whatever reason. That part of your life is over, let go of all the terrible he created and love yourself from now on. You deserve it!
If he is not able to harm you physically, he can still harm you emotionally and that's not okay.
He watched people die, some children he saw many friends fall from war. He fought fir what he thought was right foe people who seemed like they didn't want. He did not come home to a thankful nation but was welcomed home by being called a 'murder" and a 'baby koller". Vietnam vets did not receive the warm welcome the previous war heros did.
To quote AlvaDeer:
Is this not worth anger and fury and hopelessness and helplessness and DESPAIR?Is this is not worth mourning?
Because if it is not, I don't know what is."
It may seem that he is singling you put and feels like he thinks you are these terrible things he says
I would like to offer another explanation. Perhaps he does this to you because he trusts you the most?. Perhaps he feels you love him the most and undstands your forgiving heart? Perhaps he sees you as strong and able to take it? Perhaps he has chosen you not because he thinks you are worthless but because he sees you worthy of his pain?
This does not make anything he does okay. Not in the least and you don't even need to feel sorry for him.
As what to do? I think you are already are. You sit by his side and let him know you love him. Keep doing this. And, of course, find some counselling for support.
Well my sincerest condolences.
Too bad grief doesn't with death. Wouldn't that be nice?
Im sure these words will still be helpful.
Thank you @daughterof1930 . I'll check the updates.