Any advice for dealing with mother’s demands now that son is leaving home?
Our son goes off to University tomorrow for the first time - my husband and I will have to get used to being “empty-nesters” as he is our only child. My mother lives with us and has always tried to get me to be the “parent “ to her, with various demands in order to get me to take the burden of anything she doesn’t want to do for herself. From my various posts over this year regular forum readers will know that my mother is a very selfish person. For many years I’ve been working on dealing with this and have got to the stage where we’ve been able to set a number of boundaries to ensure she doesn’t overwhelm me, and that she takes responsibility for her own personal needs and wants. I think I’m content that we have a situation that works for us reasonably well. I’m now concerned though that with our son gone, she will assume that the time I spent caring for our son will be time freed up that can now be spent on looking after her, rather than me and my husband having some time to ourselves to adjust to and enjoy this next phase in our lives, whilst still supporting our son from a distance. I would be grateful for any advice that my dear forum friends could offer me so that I can set out the way things are going to be, rather than get sucked into unnecessary additional care giving.
I also know kids who go to college sometimes hate dorm roommates and will be back lol. And also between semesters. They are not gone for good.
Perhaps you can choose wed nites to have a nice dinner with mom. Discuss menu pre meal, where to eat, a game, an old TMC movie she likes, or a shopping trip to show her that new craft store etc. so its special time visiting with her. She feels special, part of the family, included, not just tolerated. Or a movie nite with the oldies. films from 1930s-50s you have never seen, but she remembers, or her favorite actor.
Then friday. Or sat nite are date nites. Mom not invited. But you will set her up with dinner/movie at home. Or bring something back. That way she feels included, not like a 5th wheel at home. Not just on the fringes. It might work or not. Maybe the me, me, me will calm down a bit. A child that is not paid attention to will act out to get attention. Even if its negative. Especially when your busy, is when they act up. You get mad. They feel neglected, they do it again and you get angry again, and cycle is born. Im wondering if she is doing that? I dont know Im not there.
Maybe that will calm things down a bit. If she feels included in the family. Not just on the fringes of the family?
We take in parents and they are tolerated, but not really part of the family but a situation that must be dealt with. Something seperate that needs fixing. They probably pick up on that. Probably feel resentful, jealous, ignored, or act out to feel included, loved, cared for, paid attention to. Even for a few mins. Not just here's lunch, go watch your programs. Problem solved for a few hrs.
Perhaps looking at it with a different angle may help? Here's hoping your stress level goes down.
I had my dad for awhile. He was driving me insane with the loud tv, and taking over family rm 24/7. He thought I'd cater to him and he wouldn't have to move an inch.
I made him have meals at table with discussions. Talk about old times/anything. Pick his brain about the olden days/his childhood etc. Got him having enjoyable conversations, and the meals enjoyable too. Defused the situation until it was much more bearable. He became family and wasn't a problem that I had to grin and bear, so much. Good luck.
I feel this applies to you, perhaps as well.
It sounds like you are unable to set boundaries with your mother and fearful of her? What is going on with this family dynamic from your point of view?
Selfish, ego-centered people are used to manipulating others to get their needs met. You MUST [learn how to] take responsibility for how you respond to her, if you want quality time with your husband (as you say here).
Your question here isn't so much about your mother; it is about you.
You may need to ask yourself why you fear your mom('s response) - what is triggering you?
* Tell her how you feel.
* Tell her what you will and what you won't do.
* Tell her that you are spending more quality time with your husband. Period. End of sentence. DO NOT EXPLAIN or go on an on. This is what a person does when they feel insecure and fearful (explain).
* State your desire to care for her as you've been doing (?) and that you are also spending quality time with your husband. Then, (perhaps) give her a hug and walk away.
* Engaging in her responses may cause an argument as she will want to get her way and I imagine she is used to getting her way (with you ... otherwise you would not have asked 'us' the question you posed).
* Consider outings you want to have with your husband and let your mom know.
* Do not engage in arguing.
* If needed, check out possible care (providers / options) before you talk to her so you can have some possibilities available if she starts saying how much she needs you to do xxx.
* If you feel uneasy / scared / deal with your feelings and figure out what you need to do to stick up for yourself and the life you have and want with your husband. You ARE entitled to enjoy YOUR life and enjoy YOUR husband. ... not to mention that your husband is entitled to enjoy YOU, too.
* Role play first if you feel it might help you or see a therapist.
* If she says anything negative or pushes for you/r support, do REFLECTIVE LISTENING - state back to her "I hear that you are saying . . . and that is the end of it. You do not respond to what she is saying, you let her know you are listening and that you validate her feelings, from her point of view. If you need to sit there and look into her eyes (quiet, no talking), see COMPASSION.
While this sounds very gruesome, IT IS also an opportunity for a person (adult child) to rewrite their life story from now on and moving forward. It takes self reflection, introspection, and determination. There is a degree (if not a lot) of resentment, fear, anger pushed down for likely decades and coming to the surface now when a parent needs help. Uncovering / feeling all this is hard and often painful since the dynamics have been going on for so long. Now, in many ways, the roles are reversed, with the parent losing independence, cognitive functioning and in fear. The elder parent will lash out to the only people that are there, and they are usually the adult children. In the elder's mind, they likely believe they are doing what they always have done, considering the cognitive functioning is diminished.
As you say "narcissist,' you then realize this isn't about a 'spoiled parent.' It is a mental health disorder that has been affecting all the family relationships - for decades, if not a lifetime.
Actually, there shouldn't have to be a big conversation about this. If she tells you to do something, just reply with you've always done that for yourself. Trust me, you'll know when there comes a time she really can't do a certain task anymore.
I think you'll find that as empty nesters, your life and activities probably won't change that much. Son has to be 18 years old, so it wasn't like you were caring for an infant. If mom needed a sitter while you/hubby out of the house and son fulfilled that role, then find someone else to hire for those kinds of outings and continue on.
It may come to a point where you will just have to bluntly tell her the time you spent on son is not transferring to her, it is transferring to you.
Congratulations on your son's entry into college. Enjoy time as a couple.
Oftentimes, actions speak MUCH louder than words. I can talk until I'm blue in the face with my own mother, but it's only my actions she understands. For instance; she 'needs' so so so many things from the store, but refuses to make me a list (she lives in a Memory Care ALF). So, until and unless I get a list, she doesn't get anything. She knows that, yet still refuses to sit down with pen and paper or an aide to write a list FOR her. That's one small example of actions speaking louder than words.
Good luck!
Lea, You are very creative! Imaginary part time job is brilliant! I don’t guess that she could stretch that by saying the job asked her to work extra hours too! Hahaha 😆
That might be pushing in a little.
I like the way you think. It shows you’ve been dealing with stuff a long time! So many of us have mom’s in our 90’s that have outlived our dads by many years.
Take up a hobby or start Volunteer work and spend as much time doing that as you did caring for your son.
Start taking a few day trips to a park, museum, go sit in the library or the local coffee shop.
Continue to say no and keep the boundaries that you currently have.
Thats what my mother would tell me as a child. Since you are in a role reversal with your mom and she is acting like a child and YOU acting like her parent, just say NO. Loud and clear.
You say you've been in therapy. I'd discuss it with your therapist and explore how you can make your life happy with a person in the home who you must work on each day to keep at bay. I'd ask if she could change if she wants to and how getting older or getting cognitive decline affects this condition.
It's great you care for your mother, but, I'd consider you and your husband's happiness too. I hope you find the answers you need.
There was a thread were a member wondered if she was enabling her Mom by doing for her. A member came back and said no you are disabling her. If she can do it herself, then Mom should do it. Our responsibility to our parents is not to be at their beck and call but to make sure they are safe and cared for. You have given Mom a nice home to live in. You make sure she is fed well. She is safe, clean and warm in the winter and cool in the Summer. There is no reason she can't do for herself. So, keep those boundries and do for yourself. I may even go on vacation and find someone to check on Mom or stay with her.
And I believe with certain personalities you have to put a little threat in things and some reminders. Seems Mom maybe living with you because she could not afford to live on her own. When she starts I'm for telling her "Mom, where do u think you would be if I hadn't allowed you to live with us?" And "If you don't like living with us anymore, we can make other arrangements".
It is not your mother's commodity to direct.
Just because you will now have more "free time" does not make your mother's demands valid.
I would start by taking my own sweet time getting back from drop son off at Uni. Get someone to look in on mom once a day if that's the level of care she needs. Or hire someone (on her dime) to stay with her while you are gone.
Practise saying "no, mother, I can't possibly do that". And you DON'T need to have "reason" for that. You simply can't do it. If she asks, you say, "because I don't WANT to and you can do it for yourself".
You are not a slave, nor a lowly Victorian housemaid with no other hopes and aspirations in life.
Variations - “No Mom, I don’t have time right now”. “No Mom, I’m doing (.............) right now”. “Your (comb, soap, glasses, newspaper, can opener, etc etc etc) is right here Mom. You can do (whatever) while I (do whatever)”.
Practice leaving the area so you’re not giving her an audience when she starts to complain.
Your life needs a balance that works for you, and you will hopefully have a comfort level for seizing what you need for yourself and your husband.
Keep those boundaries in place! Your behavior is what is most important now. Your mom will take her cues from you. So stick to your ground rules. If things get too difficult look for other living arrangements for her.
I was slow in setting boundaries and that hurt me tremendously. Mom no longer lives here. She was her for 15 years. It’s hard. I can empathize with you.
Best wishes to you and your family. Congrats to your son for starting on this new and exciting chapter. I know that you are proud of him!