I have been caring for my mother and father for the last 6 yrs. I was staying off and on at their home the 1st 4 years. My father passed away almost 2 yrs ago and permanately moved in at that time to care for my mother. She was diagnosed with dementia 3 yrs ago and will be 90 yrs old next month. I cannot go into all the details of what I do everyday for her but she keeps me very busy. She has had stove/oven fires. And all day, every day is a scavenger hunt for things she has misplaced. She has to be reminded to take her pills. She cannot follow any directions and has no reasoning skills at all. She no longer handles her finances. All of this and mom thinks she just is a little forgetful and nothing else is wrong. My problem. I have been here at moms now for almost 2 yrs. 24/7. No one can come and stay with mom if I leave. My sister has offered to have mom go to her house for a few days to give me a break. Mom refuses to go. Says she wants to stay at her house and sleep in her bed. But complains all the time she wants to go to see her son 1200 miles away for vacation. No matter what I say, she will not go togive me a break. Question: If I leave mom alone, which she wants, can I be held legally responsible if she burns the house down or injures herself while I'm gone?
From my experience with my own mom - DO NOT discuss the stay with your mom. Make arrangements with your sister, secretly pack a bag for your mom, tell her you two are taking a drive to your sister's. Visit a bit, then quietly take your leave. Do not give your mom the chance to get worked up. Do this for YOU!
One day I realized I had been no where without taking mom with me for her safety for over two years!
A quick example: for the last 3-4 months my MIL has refused to leave the house. She really needed a trip to the hairdresser. She refused to go to the 1st appt I made and I had to cancel it. I realized that she has high anxiety - so this time I made the appt and (with my husband's support) didn't tell her until 2 hours before we had to leave. When she questioned it, he said "Don't you remember? You asked her to make the appt last week." Of course, she cuoldn't agree to "not remembering" so she got ready and then it was time to go.
NOW she says she shuoldn't have let herself go andf she wants to go back every 2-3 weeks.The whole time she was there she talked about what a good time she was having. LOL. The trick for us was realizing how high her anxiety levels are (even though she's on Zoloft - I think she's ready for a bigger dose) and then dealing wit that by not giving her much time to worry herself to death about leaving the house. And now my husband understands better, too, how to handle her "resistance". She's a toddler with life experience - as someone else said here! Would you ask your toddler if they wanted to go get their hair cut? NO - you'd just do it. We acted very matter-of-fact about it, and made it clear just from oursattitude that it was going to happen.
But the question is how you get one. And I imagine that you know full well that just voting with your feet and leaving your mother alone, even if it is at her request, would be dangerous and irresponsible. Doesn't matter whether you could be legally liable or not, you know it's out of the question.
Get help. The place to start is with establishing the extent of your mother's mental capacity (or lack of it, that is). If you can't get her to a doctor for a formal evaluation, call your local social or mental health services and get someone to come to your home to evaluate her living conditions, which would take into account her own mental condition because they would need to assess what level of support she needs.
Once you've got professional back up, you'll also have a clearer picture for yourself of what safeguards need to be put in place and what services you'd need to call in to leave her safely alone.
I'm sorry - I know it sounds as if I'm just giving you more work to do. But this exercise will be worth it in the end, because it will connect you with the people who can give you practical help.
Speaking of which, while your sister's offer is better than nothing, just, is your sister aware of what you're dealing with, really? And what about your ?brother/?step-brother? What input are you getting from the wider family?
She was treated with antibiotics and soon returned to her normal reasonable self, went to rehab and then back home where she lived independently for another 3 years!
Sometimes we have to make tough decisions for those in our care but it's for the best. We are all here for you!
What we can do is look for a solution that is acceptable. When there is no solution, a caregiver can get trapped by the care receiver saying no, no, no to all possible means of respite. I sometimes read that we can do this or that, but these proposed solutions are thinking of the care receiver as an object that can be moved at will. The truth is that legally we can't make them do anything they don't want to do unless they are legally incompetent and we have the authority.
It's not just your mother's memory that is the problem, it's her judgment, her ability to evaluate a situation and make a reasonable decision. You have to do that for her now, and that includes deciding when she needs to go somewhere else so you can get a break. Take her to your sister's "for a visit"; you don't have to specify the length, but a short trip the first time (say a weekend) especially if your sister doesn't truly know what she is getting into. Your mother can sleep in someone else's bed for a couple of nights: you have been sleeping in someone else's bed for years now. Your turn for some time off. Please remember, she cannot judge your needs anymore. Just as you make the decisions for her care, you must also make the decisions for your care.
I thought about it this evening and remembered that I have a niece who is expecting. They don't have much money, so she is working at a waitress job. I don't think she will be able to do that much longer, because she is getting a bit heavy about the middle. :) But they will still need money. This could be good for all of us -- a win, win, win. My niece would get money, my mother would get to spend some time with her granddaughter, and I would get a break.
Sometimes there are possible solutions out there. We just don't think of them at first. Maybe there is someone, Moms2nd, that your mother will enjoy having come in to give you respite. (And if not, it's back to persuading and insisting.)
If your mom was thinking straight would she want you to wear yourself out and be under all this stress?
Best of luck.
Perhaps the OP could clarify whether why she's asking about legal consequences of leaving her mom alone. I think we all gave advice assuming she was looking for tips on how to get respite. Then it turned into a discussion of abuse/neglect.
And also it is a little bit different dealing with a spouse than it is with a parent or grandparent. Your husband probably sees you as his peer and equal. No matter how demented a parent is, they still seem to see their adult children as children and do like to acknowledge the child "knows better." If Moms2nddaughter's mom is at risk, the daughter knows she needs to do something. Convincing the mother that things are changing and she will have to go along with that is another matter.
I have no idea what your responsibility would be in case your mom started a stove fire and unplugging the stove and microwave when not in use is a great idea! But otherwise you are providing round the clock live-in care for your mom and that is not neglect. Your mom has access to medication, food, shelter, companionship, etc. I was just discussing this issue with my husband (a doctor) and was asking what he does if a frail elderly person is injured when they were at home alone. Could the family caregiver be charged with abuse or neglect? He said that it is highly unlikely. Most likely, he would refer the patient to a social worker to make sure that arrangements are made for discharge -- will the person have adequate supervision when they return home, or will they need to find another living arrangement for the person? (And by the way, that is a lot of work and most social workers will not pursue that unless there is no nearby family and/or patient’s family is adamant they can’t provide care at home.)
Here is a description of what is considered elder abuse and neglect:
helpguide/articles/abuse/elder-abuse-and-neglect.htm
And from National Center on Elder Abuse:
http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/faq/index.aspx
If you need to run an errand and have to leave mom for 30 minutes -- if she is not a wanderer, stove is unplugged, etc. -- that does not sound like neglect. I have never heard of paid caregivers who will run to your house at a moment’s notice to babysit for half an hour. These things need to be scheduled in advance and sometimes the necessity of the errand outweighs the risk of leaving the elderly person home for a short time. If she has a “button” (for Life Alert or similar) and is capable of using it, it seems reasonable to occasionally leave her unattended for short periods of time. Sometimes the comfort of the person being able to stay at home balances out the risk of leaving them alone, and that is something the caregiver must decide.
Area Agency on Aging, the VA (if your dad was a veteran), Catholic Social Services, and Jewish Community Centers often have some help available, and some states offer PACE programs (which provide senior day care free of charge to most people who enroll.) None of these agencies, as far as I know, offer nighttime help or “last minute” requests (unless you enroll her in an adult day care) and they are all stretched thin. AAA (and CSS which work with them in our town) and the VA have been a huge help to us, but it only alleviates a small part of the burden. You sound like a very loving daughter and I hope you find support!
For the people offering “have to’s” and “musts”, it seems like Moms2nddaughter is weighing her options and risks, something that family caregivers do all the time. It is not an easy decision to place someone in a nursing home. Unless her mom is wealthy, hiring visiting help is going to be a challenge financially, outside of the above agencies which will probably get you 12-16 hrs a week total, if you are lucky. Finding a facility for her mom is going to be a challenge in a lot of ways. I am pretty sure she is asking about liability because she is trying to weigh her risks/costs/benefits of keeping her mom at home versus those of trying to place her somewhere. Real information will help her make that decision. Offering your judgement telling her what she “has to do” with worst case scenarios of all the harm she might hypothetically be doing when she is already caring for her mom round the clock is only going to increase anxiety, when she obviously has enough to deal with already!
I agree with previous posts suggesting starting out a few hours here and there while you are present to get her used to the idea of someone else caring for her in the home. I would not leave her alone without another caregiver present - many things can happen the least of which being sued or brought up on charges. I have had home care aides show up at a person with dementia's house and have them locked out or the person forgets they said yes to the care. We've always found a way around it and never left her alone.
Caregivers with experience in dementia and Alzheimer's care should be able to work around your mom's resistance - if they cannot then they are not the right person. Come right out and ask when interviewing candidates - "how would you get around resisting care?".
Lastly - yes get an elder law attorney and geriatric care manager to consult on these issues of competency and guardianship. You may have more options than you think with the right support!
A couple years ago, I met a man who cared for his wife while she was dying of cancer. He said, and this is verbatim, "The caregiver goes down with the ship". This is not true if the caregiver gets support and time off.
Anyway, if you are in NY, there is something called the Nursing Home Diversion Program. Your Mom will need to qualify for Medicaid (there are ways to handle the spend down - like pooled trusts - and there's no 'look back'). Then, if the care she needs can be provided in her own home cheaper than going to a nursing home, Medicaid will pay for it.
Alternatively, If you have private pay funds then use them! But I'm guessing you would already be doing so if you could. Churches often have folks who will visit seniors, you can use this time for respite.
If you do end up having to find a nursing home for her, make sure they specialize in dementia care. I've found that the 'average' nursing home is a terrible place for someone with dementia who also has emotional/behavioral issues. They cannot provide the one-on-one staff these patients need for their own safety.
First, yes, of course, if any of us relinquish responsibility that we have taken on and that results in harm to another, then we are responsible. You and your mom could be sued for all sorts of things. Just as if our child causes harm or damage.
Second, there is a rule of the sea: you don't make long passages alone. It is forbidden (though stupid people do it) because it is so dangerous. The boat and radio need to be tended 24/7, meaning you cannot sleep. And you must sleep!
For me, this analogy is clear. Caregivers need plenty of back-up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Third, I would like to point out that one's family member need not be in the worst possible condition for us to suddenly be placed into the "responsibility harness." My husband has a number of medical issues and he is doing quite well with all of them. We have lots of labs and appointments and all, you know the drill. He is a brilliant man. BUT he has just slipped in his own abilities that teeny, tiny little bit that put him over the edge--to where I have to take over, literally, every day something new.
It started in November 2014 with his not being able to drive. He would kill someone, believe me. But here is the kicker: he himself has not decided not to drive. This means that for the last ten months I have had to pretend that, heck, that's just where I wanted to go, too.
OK, so this means that I am so doing all of the driving no matter what, no matter how trivial and unnecessary I find the trip. But also in the last ten months, he has, with diplomatic grace, passively transferred ALL responsibilities to me. I now do EVERYTHING from the garden to the car to the computer to the house to the paperwork, insurance, blah, blah, blah. And, on top of that, he has just begun to: leave drawers open, leave the fridge open, leave the water running full blast (and can't hear that), leave lights on...
And as I was saying, this is someone who is doing pretty well. He can feed, bathe, and dress himself. He can so some small workouts at the gym, he can do a tiny bit in the garden. He reads a lot and writes to friends. And yet at the same time, he has abdicated all responsibility.
I guess what I am saying is this: the responsibility net is wide and deep. It can scoop us up long before our loved one is in a really bad state.
The thing that helps me the most in this period of limbo, don't laugh, is to remember that God doesn't give us more that we can handle. When I remember that, I perk up.
I don' know if this is helpful to others but it certainly has been cathartic for me.
https://www.agingcare.com/News/The-Hidden-Dangers-of-Elder-Self-Neglect-146760.htm
Your question about legal responsibility is important. Can a family member simply walk away from someone whom they have cared for? There may be many theories of liability. Rather than write about all the bad things that could be imagined, I'd like to mention some of the resources and approaches that you could look to, for help with these difficult and frustrating circumstances.
Have you called on the Area Agency on Aging, ASAP (Aging Services Access Point) or town senior center? There may be many resources for care and assistance available to you. These agencies should provide you with approaches that can work.
Alzheimer's Association offers support groups and training for caregivers.
If you need legal authority to protect your mother's finances and health, a Conservatorship and/or Guardianship petition can bring the needs into focus and provide you, or an objective professional Guardian, with the authority to manage care and finances. There may be a charitable organization that provides guardianship services in your area.
The ASAP and/or an elder law attorney can help you identify home care reimbursement and payment programs that may be available through Medicaid, state agencies or the VA if you mother or father are veterans.
There's no denying the difficulty of the situation, but finding help to serve your mother's best interests is an accomplishment that is worth the effort.