I have been caring for my mother and father for the last 6 yrs. I was staying off and on at their home the 1st 4 years. My father passed away almost 2 yrs ago and permanately moved in at that time to care for my mother. She was diagnosed with dementia 3 yrs ago and will be 90 yrs old next month. I cannot go into all the details of what I do everyday for her but she keeps me very busy. She has had stove/oven fires. And all day, every day is a scavenger hunt for things she has misplaced. She has to be reminded to take her pills. She cannot follow any directions and has no reasoning skills at all. She no longer handles her finances. All of this and mom thinks she just is a little forgetful and nothing else is wrong. My problem. I have been here at moms now for almost 2 yrs. 24/7. No one can come and stay with mom if I leave. My sister has offered to have mom go to her house for a few days to give me a break. Mom refuses to go. Says she wants to stay at her house and sleep in her bed. But complains all the time she wants to go to see her son 1200 miles away for vacation. No matter what I say, she will not go togive me a break. Question: If I leave mom alone, which she wants, can I be held legally responsible if she burns the house down or injures herself while I'm gone?
Perhaps the OP could clarify whether why she's asking about legal consequences of leaving her mom alone. I think we all gave advice assuming she was looking for tips on how to get respite. Then it turned into a discussion of abuse/neglect.
If your mom was thinking straight would she want you to wear yourself out and be under all this stress?
Best of luck.
I thought about it this evening and remembered that I have a niece who is expecting. They don't have much money, so she is working at a waitress job. I don't think she will be able to do that much longer, because she is getting a bit heavy about the middle. :) But they will still need money. This could be good for all of us -- a win, win, win. My niece would get money, my mother would get to spend some time with her granddaughter, and I would get a break.
Sometimes there are possible solutions out there. We just don't think of them at first. Maybe there is someone, Moms2nd, that your mother will enjoy having come in to give you respite. (And if not, it's back to persuading and insisting.)
It's not just your mother's memory that is the problem, it's her judgment, her ability to evaluate a situation and make a reasonable decision. You have to do that for her now, and that includes deciding when she needs to go somewhere else so you can get a break. Take her to your sister's "for a visit"; you don't have to specify the length, but a short trip the first time (say a weekend) especially if your sister doesn't truly know what she is getting into. Your mother can sleep in someone else's bed for a couple of nights: you have been sleeping in someone else's bed for years now. Your turn for some time off. Please remember, she cannot judge your needs anymore. Just as you make the decisions for her care, you must also make the decisions for your care.
What we can do is look for a solution that is acceptable. When there is no solution, a caregiver can get trapped by the care receiver saying no, no, no to all possible means of respite. I sometimes read that we can do this or that, but these proposed solutions are thinking of the care receiver as an object that can be moved at will. The truth is that legally we can't make them do anything they don't want to do unless they are legally incompetent and we have the authority.
She was treated with antibiotics and soon returned to her normal reasonable self, went to rehab and then back home where she lived independently for another 3 years!
Sometimes we have to make tough decisions for those in our care but it's for the best. We are all here for you!
But the question is how you get one. And I imagine that you know full well that just voting with your feet and leaving your mother alone, even if it is at her request, would be dangerous and irresponsible. Doesn't matter whether you could be legally liable or not, you know it's out of the question.
Get help. The place to start is with establishing the extent of your mother's mental capacity (or lack of it, that is). If you can't get her to a doctor for a formal evaluation, call your local social or mental health services and get someone to come to your home to evaluate her living conditions, which would take into account her own mental condition because they would need to assess what level of support she needs.
Once you've got professional back up, you'll also have a clearer picture for yourself of what safeguards need to be put in place and what services you'd need to call in to leave her safely alone.
I'm sorry - I know it sounds as if I'm just giving you more work to do. But this exercise will be worth it in the end, because it will connect you with the people who can give you practical help.
Speaking of which, while your sister's offer is better than nothing, just, is your sister aware of what you're dealing with, really? And what about your ?brother/?step-brother? What input are you getting from the wider family?
A quick example: for the last 3-4 months my MIL has refused to leave the house. She really needed a trip to the hairdresser. She refused to go to the 1st appt I made and I had to cancel it. I realized that she has high anxiety - so this time I made the appt and (with my husband's support) didn't tell her until 2 hours before we had to leave. When she questioned it, he said "Don't you remember? You asked her to make the appt last week." Of course, she cuoldn't agree to "not remembering" so she got ready and then it was time to go.
NOW she says she shuoldn't have let herself go andf she wants to go back every 2-3 weeks.The whole time she was there she talked about what a good time she was having. LOL. The trick for us was realizing how high her anxiety levels are (even though she's on Zoloft - I think she's ready for a bigger dose) and then dealing wit that by not giving her much time to worry herself to death about leaving the house. And now my husband understands better, too, how to handle her "resistance". She's a toddler with life experience - as someone else said here! Would you ask your toddler if they wanted to go get their hair cut? NO - you'd just do it. We acted very matter-of-fact about it, and made it clear just from oursattitude that it was going to happen.
From my experience with my own mom - DO NOT discuss the stay with your mom. Make arrangements with your sister, secretly pack a bag for your mom, tell her you two are taking a drive to your sister's. Visit a bit, then quietly take your leave. Do not give your mom the chance to get worked up. Do this for YOU!
One day I realized I had been no where without taking mom with me for her safety for over two years!