Hating the holidays and want to run away. How do you cope?
I want to run away and leave behind my mom with ALZ, my dad who's in denial about it, and my sister with her family who all choose to put blinders on and act like everything is OK. How do you cope with family issues you can't tolerate during "happy holiday" season?
We always had holidays at mom & dad's until this year. Mom can no longer prepare meals, no longer clean house, no longer organize events and dad is her primary caretaker picking up where he can and thinking she will some day get better. Sister doesn't want to get her hands dirty with any level of care for mom & dad so she denies most of everything, interrupts any conversation I initiate about it, and only seems interested in how we make everything perfect for her adult children while we have the holiday celebration at her house.
I do not feel like being a part of any "show" this year. I think my sister is actually looking forward to having it at her house and being the center of all the attention - but she doesn't realize things are not the same anymore. The mom we had is gone forever. The family she grew up in is also gone. Her lack of awareness on family dynamics is causing me to turn away from her because I just can no longer relate to her.
I think mom brought us all together, but now that particular element is gone. Has anyone else felt similar? How do you manage your feelings of disappointment and frustration with your family and just "put on a happy face"? Thanks.
Sounds like a good idea leaving him where he is in his current state. Visit him there and then go home for your own celebration. Wish I could do that.
Can't correct them now..cheers!
our son around with petty things that could've waited.
Also cranked around with the thermostat that apparently
he no longer knows how to operate. Up and down
from his chair, which is a real struggle and then give steps to the thermo. Can't stand for more than a minute,
Plops into desk chair then we can't get up and out of it
back into the lift chair which he hates to use. Repeat
give or six times. Then he stands up and announces he
needs to pee! Where's the pee bottle?!?! This in front
of company.
Then the icing on the cake the hot water water links
our in the main bath. Ho ho ho! His sis and bil
are coming fri. They're very nice people. Hope they
offer to bring lunch...maybe babysit for 10 or 12 hrs.
Oh well, it could be worse, and it most likely will.
Hope all of you survived mostly intact. There's a special
place for us.
It is too much. I can tell you that the last place I intend to be is a family dinner where I get to hear about all the exciting things that relatives are doing and get patted on the arm ' oh your poor thing.' A retreat would be great - don't know if retreats stay open at Christmas. I might go to a movie, or a walk, but it will be something away from the hectic commercialized thing called Christmas - that currently doesn't have much to do with Christ's birth. Everyone has been conditioned by the media to expect a perfect Christmas and perfect family and everyone join in and sing carols - it doesn't usually work out that way.
Oh, I cooked Thanksgiving and Christmas last year so this year my parents and my daughter and I are dining out!
Thank you for sharing. I am the primary caretaker of my mom who has ALZ and I too have been dreading the "happy holiday" thing. Although I love the time of year; the decorations, cold weather, giving to people I love, and maybe doing a little baking, I am in a quandary about how to deal with family members who have been practically invisible all year, and then invite "us" over to their friend/family Christmas party, and by "us" I know they mean not my mom. She requires lots of work and taking her to any function anymore is a very big hassle. She generally does not want to go anywhere and after we fight to get her ready to go, we're exhausted and in no mood to be festive.
I can't get over the hurt I feel when I think how many months go by and I don't hear from either one of my brothers. They don't live that far away yet never visit. No calls to see how mom is or how I am for that matter. Several years ago, we were an hour late to my brother's Christmas dinner. It had taken us longer than normal to get my mom ready (she was not in a good mood & confused). We walked in and everyone was sitting in the living room watching TV. We hadn't eaten and were not offered food (which they had already put away). We tried to keep the "happy" outlook by scraping up what appetizers and candies were out. It was an extremely depressing night.
It's funny, because I used to call them and have my mom talk to them, but I stopped doing it because it just feels so forced. Since I've stopped initiating phone calls, we don't hear from them. They are living their lives and I am generally happy for them, but how can they know how bad off our mom is, and know how much pressure is on me and not reach out? It just doesn't make sense. Sorry for ranting, but anyway that's part of my background.
My words of wisdom to anyone experiencing this same thing would be: Be OK with what you know you have to do (even if that means saying no to the regular family functions. Be "present" when caring for your loved one with ALZ: slow down, smile, and show you care. Always know that what you can give them is priceless. You can be the difference in their life. I know how draining it is, but it can be very empowering too. Take care and hope you have a peaceful holiday.
Do what you want. Create a new tradition and if that means seeing sister and relatives another weekend other than Xmas — that might be best for all. Maybe you and sis switch out every other year as to who will host say 3rd weekend in Dec. that way you can spend Xmas and NYear with just who you want.
My suggestion is first, try and give your sister the room to do her ignoring for the holidays, after all you really can't control it anyway so why help her increase your level of agitation. But that doesn't mean you have to make it easy for her, in fact make it easier for you. You aren't doing the planning she is so let her work out how and when to get Mom and Dad there, let her take the responsibility for them, whatever that looks like. I'm guessing that to complete her "perfect picture" that they need to be there. If she is unrealistic about asking your Mom or arranging with your mom to make some regular family dish or tradition step aside and let her arrange that with Mom and or Dad and then she can fully experience how difficult that has become. Maybe it will go easier than it should for her and your dad will say "mom can't do that and neither can I" or maybe it will be more complicated than that but word that things have changed is bound to get out in her family (I'm thinking she might put one of her kids in charge of picking them up) as they have to deal with it. Maybe your sister will grasp it then or be forced to consciously acknowledge the issues, maybe her kids will first and then help her face it or even better offer to help you both. This new Christmas set up might end up being great for you because it could force at least some questions about how things really are going and what needs to be done in the new year. I'm not suggesting it will all happen then and there but it may very well create discussions in the new year, the ones you have been trying to have. It is far easier to think things are better than they are when your far away and not "hands on" on a regular basis. Lol it happens regularly that my 2 brothers and I are discussing things with mom on a conference call (one brother lives in CA the other in CT where my mom is and I'm in VT so drive down often and or stay a week or 2 at a time) and the one in CA starts making suggestions that seem perfectly simple to him and one (or both) of us say that's just not possible or your not understanding how difficult that is for her... Now it isn't at all the same, he recognizes that there are issues and acknowledges that we are more in tune with the day to day etc but there are times he just can't understand why we feel something isn't doable. He get's to talk with her on the phone and Skype with all of us when we are in CT and he visits when he can which is more often than most since he's a pilot, he wants to help and does everything he can but still it's snippets and the view is very different.
As for you, much of that depends on your situation, do you have kids, grand kids, spouse joining the family Christmas at your sisters? Is spending the time with your family unit important to you, I mean if this elephant didn't exist? The only real requirement to "put on a show" or a forced "happy face" comes from you, no matter what your sister actually wants. When we do those things to make someone else happy we do it either because making that person happy actually makes us happy or for us it's the lesser of 2 evils. However if you can find a way to let go of what your sister wants and just resolve to focus on the things that do actually give you pleasure or make you happy and let the other things be someone else's thing maybe that will help. For instance seeing your nieces and nephews or your grand nieces and nephews, watching the kids with your parents, watching your sister try and deal with your parents (hehehe), sitting back and watching your sister try and create this spectacle and just knowing feeling the joy and love that really does exist in that house, whatever that looks like, the part that happens with out without the details and spectacle just because people that love each other are together at this special time of year. If you are religious the joy in the story. If your me the joy in looking at the tree and seeing the stockings hung. Don't pretend to be happy or find joy, find it. Don't be over the top full of fake smiles, react the way you feel. I'm not saying push uncomfortable conversations or be angry, in fact avoid stuff that just frustrates you for the day, walk away from things you know are just going to agitate you, like political conversation, take a page from your sisters book and stick to the things you can deal with today. But if being with your family at the "Family Christmas" isn't important to you and there isn't anything about it that you would miss or that makes you happy don't go. It's a year of change and if a celebration with just your more immediate family, spouse, children, grandchildren is more appealing to you do that. Just tell you sister as these changes are being made and the families grow it feels like the right time to branch off and keep your family celebration smaller, more intimate. You can even say you just find you haven't had time with your kids and selfishly you want to take advantage of the opportunity to be a family unit again, you don't have to make a big deal or hard feelings out of it, things are changing and it's up to you how much change you want for you. Then you can decide, do you want to share Mom and Dad or just leave them to your sister and maybe have them to your house the next day or the day before or maybe take your family over to their house and host the smaller group yourself there. Again I don't know your dynamic so these are just ideas but hopefully you get the drift. Do what you can to change the way your thinking about and approaching this so rather than thinking about what you think is expected of you consider what you want to expect for yourself, just those things you can control and let those expectations and things you don't have any control over or interest in go, leave them to the people they are important to.
It's going to be a different year, no changing that so make the most of it rather than dreading it, at least the best you can. Remember to notice and take in the good things, the good moments because while they feel few and far between they are ll around you, especially this time or year. You just need to let them shine through. I do not mean to sound preachy and believe me I totally get this is all easier said then done, it's not all going to be smooth and free of stress just because you decide it will, though there are those fortunate few who can do that but with some work you can minimize the negatives on you. Good luck!