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I am in denial that someone I loved so much and who was with me my entire life has left this world forever. I am having a hard time understanding this and why it happened. I still feel her presence and can easily visualize her and hear her voice.
Wish I knew the answer. My 94 yo mom died in January and I still haven't dealt with her "stuff". The DME was all returned, what was rented, but there's still a lot of stuff to go through. Someday, I guess. She was on hospice and lived with us, and we were with her when she passed but it's still hard to believe after all these years that she's just *gone*.
I know it's a cliché but denial is a part of the grieving process. After each of my parents died I felt this weird thing where their loss would hit me but then it would bounce right off. It wouldn't hit my heart or my head. I know that sounds crazy but a grief counselor with hospice told me that was a form of denial and when I was ready to feel it, I would. And he was right. Those thoughts stopped bouncing off me and worked their way into my heart and it hurt so much. The denial was much easier to deal with.
Your mom passed so recently, give it some more time to sink in. Whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, is the way it's supposed to be. We can't rush through our grief as much as we'd like to. My dad's been gone for 4 years and I still get a pain in my heart when I think of him.
Thank you for for being here and expressing your feelings, opening your hearts and sharing your experiences with your parents passing. I am very sorry for your loss. Both of my parents are very fragile and I think of going through this possibly sooner or later with each of them. Im learning from your "journey" and how you make it through with your heart pain and everyone else here who is going through it right now.
It will get better - but don't sit around waiting for it. Sitting and thinking constantly about your mom will only make it harder to overcome the grief. See if you can find things to keep yourself occupied. Maybe you can take a trip, start volunteering or if you like children, you could look at maybe volunteering at a local elementary school or daycare.
In time, you'll find that you're not so obsessed with thinking about Mom being gone. Thoughts of her will not always bring tears. In time, you'll start thinking more of Mom with love and good memories, rather than sadness and grief.
My mom has been gone 8 months as of today. I was her live-in caregiver for 3 years before she had to go to a nursing home, and she passed away after a year in there. It took the full 8 months before I really started coming out of the "fog" that follows the passing of a parent. I worked, ate, slept, spent time with family - all while feeling like none of it was real. It took this long for me to really start feeling like I was alive again and dealing with things that needed to be done, other than just the basic day-to-day stuff.
Give yourself time. It's still early to expect yourself to be anything but grieving for your mom. But trust me, it *will* get better.
GivingItMyAll, both of my parents had passed in the last year, and were in their 90's also. They had lived alone until serious medical issues required them to both move to a skilled senior complex.
What I am doing to be more connected is that I am going gun-ho on a family tree. I am using Ancesty . com and it has been fascinating. I am learning about my great grandparents, great great grandparents, and great great great grandparents that I had never known.
Happiness is finding a photo of those from the 1800's to see an resemblance. I have a mild "lazy eye" and was so happy to finally see a relative who had the same thing... it was my great-great grandfather as a very young man :)
It is also very interesting seeing the occupations of the relatives [of which there are many as so many from the past had a gaggle of children, not usual to see 12 children or more per family, and of those 12 who survived each also had a gaggle of kids. I am running out room on my wall in my home office to place everyone :P
Also interesting seeing on the very old U.S. census, where an elder parent would be living with the grown children. Most cases the elder was only in their 60's or 70's. Definite a sandwich situation.
I am sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its hard. What you are asking and feelings is part of the grief journey. I think it takes a long time for our minds and bodies to process the passing our parents. Six months later and I still struggle with the loss.
But with the kind support of everyone here and their gentle suggestions, I keep going forward. I know I have to make a new life for myself. I'm starting very small right now. I make myself do one small thing a day.
I found this website What's Your Grief very helpful. All the articles normalized my feelings and thoughts. Grief is a terrible journey none of us want to be on, but I know we'll make it.
Freqflyer, I thank you for your suggestion. Funny thing is, I once was very interested in our family trees and was a member of Ancestry for many years. I should get back into that. It was very interesting and time consuming. I have time now that I'm no longer caregiving. I've got to do something besides TV, my mind is turning to mush! Hospice is reaching out to us on a regular basis, I really should take them up on their offers of counseling.
I called her Mom, but she was really my MIL. She and I had a very close relationship and I was blessed to have her and FIL in my life. 50+ years wasn't long enough IMO. At least I can think of her without crying now.
To everyone who is on this board who has lost or is losing a loved one, I just want to say bless you and take care of your ownself too. This board has been a big help to me over the years.
My mother died right before the end of the last millennium (in the summer of 1999, to be exact), but often I still weep for her. I suppose I should "get over it," but why? She was one of the most beautiful people I know, and she gave me a great deal of direction in my life, and whenever I have a problem, I can hear her voice telling me how to resolve it. There is a part in Disney's LION KING where the monkey tells Simba, "He lives in you," and that is my comfort for the pain, as is the old African saying about how someone never dies as long as they are remembered. You don't need to feel ashamed. Your mother carried you for nine months, and while you SHOULD move past the pain of her death, and carry on with your life--and she surely would have wanted you to--there is no reason why you shouldn't weep for her if you feel grief at losing her, and you should NEVER forget her. May God forgive me if I'm wrong. All I can do for her now is to pray for Him to forgive her any sins she committed.
I feel your pain very well and I'm SO sorry about the loss of your mother. My 90 year old mom passed away on April 9 and I am having all kinds of foreign feelings. Suddenly I have that butterflies in the stomach feeling as I did on the first day of Kindergarten when my mom left me alone for the first time. People kindly ask me if I'm doing all right and I give the obligatory, yes, I'm fine. But I'm fine for the moment, and then I'm not, and then I am. It's a very bizarre and unpredictable roller coaster. I go from being irritable to sad to angry to okay (which totally throws me) to extremely sad and back around again. I guess it IS part of the grieving process and the most important thing is to remember that you are not alone. Many of us are going through this together. If we've already lost a parent - I lost my dad 11 years ago - we think we know what to expect. But it's totally different. Back then, I still had my mom to focus on and care about. Now, I am an adult orphan - a term I knew nothing about until this past month. I try to be thankful for my loved ones left - cousins, husband, friends - but there's no getting around how difficult this is. We will eventually learn to incorporate the reality of it into our lives in some form. That's what my brain tells me. I just have to have faith that my heart will follow. Blessings to you.
You are numb, it's the first stage of grief. There are stages to grief, there's an actual chart, look it up, it'll help you. This numb phase can last a few months to a year or two. I've gone through it twice, first when my mom passed very young, and years later when my husband passed. I would recommend making small changes in your life, shop at different store, try a different place for lunch, little things like that, basically change up your routine some, and then more and more. the hardest thing for me when my mom passed, and we were very close, and she was only in her 50s, was the automatic need to give her a call and see how her day went, talk about mine, to visit, to go over to her house and have coffee and laugh about our jobs. We were so close. I still miss her and I always will. With losing my husband, it helped to change up my home routine but it took me over a year to emotionally be able to do that, to shop at a different store, try different foods, to even move my furniture around. The hurt from loss, never goes away, but the hurt does fade somewhat. Stay busy, try new things, change things up.
Bless you and good luck in dealing with the sorrow. I know soon I too will be grieving. I often wonder what it will feel like to have no parents (both my parents are alive living in a NHome and 92) I've lived geographically away from them for almost 25 years now but still expect their greetings when I enter their former home (where I stay currently when visiting) just walking up to the door and opening it I still am shocked at the silence when I open the door. All the memories come back even though this was not my childhood home. The great thing is ! you loved and were loved! You have human emotions- which is fabulous! It's the only way to experience love-unfortunately on the other side of love is grief and sadness. Let yourself cry and grieve as much is you want and eventually time will heal it to some extent. I also am thinking - know that just because you're not outwardly debilitated by the grief - doesn't mean you don't care. I have had issues getting caught in self imposed depression by thinking 'if I'm not depressed about this doesn't mean I don't care'? I've had to reconcile that multiple times over my life . Celebrate your bond- a mothers bond is often very strong indeed.
It's wonderful you have these feelings of sorrow. Many of us have a totally different reaction to a loss of a Mother, relief. In her final years, her dementia and her self-loathing turned against me, her only son, and she threw me totally out of her life, written me out as Executor of the Family Trust. Now the county is going after her assets, and I have never felt more free. So, be happy and be joyful that you have such a reaction to your loss, many of us do not.
As I read all these suggestions it makes me cry. I lost my dad December 30 my daughters 31st birthday. Like all of you we were best friends so vary close he was my biggest fan when I played sports and that continued when my daughters did. He had a fall in February of last year that took us on one of the most scary and saddest journeys of our lives. I was with him everyday weather it be in the hospital rehab center or home. I was his nurse and sometimes he would say pain cuz I fussed over him so much. As like all of you I would love to tell you how to grieve and give suggestions but we're all so different. What works for one might not work for another. I was there at the nursing facility when my dad passed just not in his room. So for me I went through anger for not being with him I felt cheated cuz I had been there since day 1. But as a believer every scripture I read before was telling me what would be. It was still so vary hard and still is I don't get those early morning phone calls or late night one saying something is wrong. I'm not depressed just lost he was a big part of my everyday. I go to a grief counselor and she knows and tells me I avoid talking about me. I have been a family caregiver I wouldn't know what else to do. I still have my mom to take care of. She had a fall 13 years ago so I've done this awhile. I love my mom vary much but the bond I had with my dad was unbreakable. So take your time I still go through angry spells I don't like being with lots of people or shopping I get anxiety attacks. So hang in there and cry when you have to even when your in a store it that's what happens. Just don't keep it bottled up. My daughter has not dealt with her g pa dying on her birthday yet and I don't push but they were vary vary close. It will be a difficult day when her 32nd birthday comes this yr. So know we all deal differently and I'm so sorry for your loss. I carry a photo of my dad that is live as my front photo so I play it just to hear his voice. I know where he is and I thank God there is no more suffering. I will see him again but in the mean time my love never dies. 💞
Oh, Bloom, I know how you feel! I lost my mom in January, and I am going through what all of the other posters are saying. And I, too, sometimes find it hard to believe that she is actually gone. The process is long and hard and takes its time to work out. I have to believe that in time things will get easier, but sometimes the feelings hit like a ton of bricks. And for my family, because January was so bad weather-wise, we couldn't have the burial until just a couple of weeks ago, so things got all stirred up again.
But these feelings are normal and all part of the process. Just remember that there are people who care on sites like this. People who are also going through this tough situation.
And we will always have them with us in our hearts and thoughts. Ah, we hear all of those platitudes, don't we. Sometimes I feel so mad when people say "but she's in a better place now. no more pain. yada, yada" I want to say but she's not here and I miss her so. I thought I was alone in feeling that way, but I am seeing other people saying it also.
So, I guess my best suggestion is to give it time, find forums like this to talk it out, get angry if you need to.
Hugs to all who are going through the same things.
I know exactly how you feel. My mom passed away a year and a half ago and I'm still not over it. I think about her every day; I cry, as well. She, too, was in her nineties...almost 92. Sometimes I think it's more difficult when we've had them for so long...
I'm an only child, not married, no kids, no siblings. I decided that I didn't want her to go to a nursing home so I left my state and moved to live with her and take care of her. Did so for five years until she passed....
The concept of loss...the thought of final separation is beyond comprehension. I sometimes look at notes she wrote to me...even the most recent "shopping list" and it brings her "back to life" in the moment. How can someone whom I can remember writing this list...and the list still here...be...poof!...gone!
Though we all know on an intellectual level that those we love will pass it doesn't make the actuality any easier. It's an emotional torture and an unavoidable one. What I can say is that after the numbness...the newness...wears off, you're left with love and memories. That's the best we have and somehow it becomes manageable and less forcefully painful. We never forget, we just keep going and hopefully enjoy the rest of our own lives as our parents did before us when they lost their parents...
My mom passed away 7 months ago. The pain of missing her is excruciating. She was my very best friend and we did everything together. She died suddenly at 76 years old. Perfectly fine until then. I avoid the pain by forcing myself to think of something else. I know the pain of leaving my mind on missing her will be debilitating. I don't believe for a minute that she's dead but in another dimension. I feel her around me. I dream of her and I have told her that I miss her so much in the dream. She looks beautiful and seems so happy. I don't know if I'm handling this the right way but at least I am able to function every day. I know every day I live brings me one day closer to her. I'm not sad all of the time which I think would lower my immune system and would bring bad things to myself. I want to be as healthy as I can.
SeaDoc, I know where you are coming from. My parents have been miserable for years and are likely to continue on for many more years. They are not the people who raised me. They are strange zombie-people I have somehow become responsible for. Sadly, I think relief will be my first and most prevalent feeling when one or both are gone. I never in my life envisioned this is what they/we would have become.
Sorry for your loss. I'm glad you and your mom had a wonderful relationship, not everyone did. My mom was mean, hateful and unloving to the point she actually tried to kill us all. We all die sometime, but your hope is to see her in heaven if she believed in Jesus Christ. If you also believe in him, you'll see your mom again because she'll be in heaven. This is the hope you can cling to, this will help you a lot and God will heal that hurt.
Hi...I wanted to add to something I posted to you. You asked for suggestions on how to deal with your loss...
I did a few things. I wrote to my mom. I started a journal after she passed...so I could "talk" to her...tell her all the things I felt and how much I missed her...thought of her. This way, I didn't have to go "cold turkey." I was still able to speak to her instead of keeping it bottled up in my head. I did so for quite a while and then I put the journal away. If I feel the need to write in it again it's there...but I can't read it because it just breaks my heart. But it DID help while I was doing it.
I also made a scrapbook of her things. Notes, birthday cards, shopping lists, anything she had written down and I could SEE her writing...the tangible proof that she had been there. Dunno...just helped to not discard everything. Now, cute little reminders are neatly tucked in my scrapbook and THAT I can look at and smile...
I know what you are going thru. She was 90 but ran around like she was 60. I saw her in NJ for her 90th birthday and when I got back to Florida 3 days later she was gone. I went to grief counseling where I was with people who were suffering loss. Now every once in awhile I wonder where she is. The hurt never goes away but you just don't dwell on it.
My mother prepared me for her death by finding a place where I could "visit" with her. I didn't cry at her funeral because I had to take care of Dad. Still taking care of Dad, who will pass someday and it scares me to think I will be an orphan. But I honestly believe that we are all on a journey and I will end up with them at the end of it. When you lose a loved one, you have to find the new normal to cope. I didn't understand why the world didn't come to a halt when she died because my world did. Give yourself time to grieve and accept; we used to automatically give people a year to mourn.
After 3 years I still miss my mom every day, and the longing for her will never leave me. But what helps a little is to bring her with me whenever I think of it. She loved to garden, so when I'm in my garden I'll say "Mom, look at that lettuce coming up!" Or in her voice I'll say, "Oooh! There's an excellent worm" when I see one of those critters, and it makes me feel that she's there with me. Who knows, maybe she is and maybe she enjoys these interactions.
In any case, your mom will always be alive in your heart. No substitute for the real thing but comforting to remember.
When my mom passed away even though I had other family and friends who were a great support, I found journaling helped me the most. As a caregiver, I really didn't have time to sit and ponder about my everyday experience, I had to be on point to make sure I had all the bases covered whether it was appointments, medications etc. But in journaling my grief, I found I was able to express my feelings about the sad and the happy times and remember little things that seemed unimportant. While journaling may not be for everyone, I found it allowed me to reflect back on the memories of helping her thru the most difficult time in her life. Globee
It has been almost nine years since my mother died, and almost twelve years since my father died. There is not one day that goes by that I do not miss them. I went to griefshare after my mother died; my sister and her family moved in with me; we sold the house we lived in and got our own apartments the following year; we were both in the same complex but right around the corner from one another. I now live in a complex in another town in the state I live in; I am looking into going into senior subsidized housing; my sister is now living in another state.
I understand what you're going through. My mom passed last February (2016) and I still feel the pain. My mother and I were very close and I cared for her the last six years of her life. What you're going through right now is natural. It is a good idea to occupy yourself with distractions rather than brooding, but don't let anyone else tell you what you should or shouldn't do, how you should or shouldn't feel. This is your own journey and everyone is different. I went to a bereavement group for a while and this might help. But take your own time. There are some good YouTube videos on grieving you can watch, and I've tried meditation which I find helps a lot. But you'll always miss her - the pain, I'm told, will never go away forever. Personally, I don't want to "just get over it," I want her memory to be special. You may feel the same way or not, again, you'll find out what's comforting and what's not. Don't know if this helped at all, but remember there are people here who understand and care about what you're going through.
I am so sorry for your profound loss. Just reading your post made me weep. I really don't have any words of wisdom. Just sending you a "virtual" hug... Regarding all of the psychological stuff you hear about the "stages of grief," I really never understood how that is helpful to the person experiencing the grief. There's no time period you must adhere to or expect. Just let it flow in whatever way you need it to. One thing that helped me after my father passed a long time ago (when I was 30 years old) was that I made a conscious effort to share positive and humorous memories of him with my friends and family, as opposed to lingering in thoughts of him as he was during his illness. My brother and I tried to always recount some wonderful memory about our dad. It was a way to keep us out of getting too lost in depression, which is so easy to do. We are all eternal Spirit Souls. We are not the body... Peace...
I don't know when the healing begins. I am sorry for your loss as I lost my 84 year old mother 3 weeks ago. I have cared for her since 1995, however she's been in my home since 2002, the last 11 of those years she was very ill. I only find a little comfort in knowing that she is no longer hurting, she has gone to a better place, that we have wonderful memories and that I did everything in my power to help her in her time of need. Prayers to you.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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Your mom passed so recently, give it some more time to sink in. Whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, is the way it's supposed to be. We can't rush through our grief as much as we'd like to. My dad's been gone for 4 years and I still get a pain in my heart when I think of him.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Both of my parents are very fragile and I think of going through this possibly sooner or later with each of them. Im learning from your "journey" and how you make it through with your heart pain and everyone else here who is going through it right now.
Peace n hugs,
Bella
In time, you'll find that you're not so obsessed with thinking about Mom being gone. Thoughts of her will not always bring tears. In time, you'll start thinking more of Mom with love and good memories, rather than sadness and grief.
My mom has been gone 8 months as of today. I was her live-in caregiver for 3 years before she had to go to a nursing home, and she passed away after a year in there. It took the full 8 months before I really started coming out of the "fog" that follows the passing of a parent. I worked, ate, slept, spent time with family - all while feeling like none of it was real. It took this long for me to really start feeling like I was alive again and dealing with things that needed to be done, other than just the basic day-to-day stuff.
Give yourself time. It's still early to expect yourself to be anything but grieving for your mom. But trust me, it *will* get better.
What I am doing to be more connected is that I am going gun-ho on a family tree. I am using Ancesty . com and it has been fascinating. I am learning about my great grandparents, great great grandparents, and great great great grandparents that I had never known.
Happiness is finding a photo of those from the 1800's to see an resemblance. I have a mild "lazy eye" and was so happy to finally see a relative who had the same thing... it was my great-great grandfather as a very young man :)
It is also very interesting seeing the occupations of the relatives [of which there are many as so many from the past had a gaggle of children, not usual to see 12 children or more per family, and of those 12 who survived each also had a gaggle of kids. I am running out room on my wall in my home office to place everyone :P
Also interesting seeing on the very old U.S. census, where an elder parent would be living with the grown children. Most cases the elder was only in their 60's or 70's. Definite a sandwich situation.
I am sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its hard. What you are asking and feelings is part of the grief journey. I think it takes a long time for our minds and bodies to process the passing our parents. Six months later and I still struggle with the loss.
But with the kind support of everyone here and their gentle suggestions, I keep going forward. I know I have to make a new life for myself. I'm starting very small right now. I make myself do one small thing a day.
I found this website What's Your Grief very helpful. All the articles normalized my feelings and thoughts. Grief is a terrible journey none of us want to be on, but I know we'll make it.
Take care.
I called her Mom, but she was really my MIL. She and I had a very close relationship and I was blessed to have her and FIL in my life. 50+ years wasn't long enough IMO. At least I can think of her without crying now.
To everyone who is on this board who has lost or is losing a loved one, I just want to say bless you and take care of your ownself too. This board has been a big help to me over the years.
There is a part in Disney's LION KING where the monkey tells Simba, "He lives in you," and that is my comfort for the pain, as is the old African saying about how someone never dies as long as they are remembered. You don't need to feel ashamed. Your mother carried you for nine months, and while you SHOULD move past the pain of her death, and carry on with your life--and she surely would have wanted you to--there is no reason why you shouldn't weep for her if you feel grief at losing her, and you should NEVER forget her.
May God forgive me if I'm wrong. All I can do for her now is to pray for Him to forgive her any sins she committed.
The great thing is ! you loved and were loved! You have human emotions- which is fabulous! It's the only way to experience love-unfortunately on the other side of love is grief and sadness. Let yourself cry and grieve as much is you want and eventually time will heal it to some extent. I also am thinking - know that just because you're not outwardly debilitated by the grief - doesn't mean you don't care. I have had issues getting caught in self imposed depression by thinking 'if I'm not depressed about this doesn't mean I don't care'? I've had to reconcile that multiple times over my life . Celebrate your bond- a mothers bond is often very strong indeed.
But these feelings are normal and all part of the process. Just remember that there are people who care on sites like this. People who are also going through this tough situation.
And we will always have them with us in our hearts and thoughts. Ah, we hear all of those platitudes, don't we. Sometimes I feel so mad when people say "but she's in a better place now. no more pain. yada, yada" I want to say but she's not here and I miss her so. I thought I was alone in feeling that way, but I am seeing other people saying it also.
So, I guess my best suggestion is to give it time, find forums like this to talk it out, get angry if you need to.
Hugs to all who are going through the same things.
I'm an only child, not married, no kids, no siblings. I decided that I didn't want her to go to a nursing home so I left my state and moved to live with her and take care of her. Did so for five years until she passed....
The concept of loss...the thought of final separation is beyond comprehension. I sometimes look at notes she wrote to me...even the most recent "shopping list" and it brings her "back to life" in the moment. How can someone whom I can remember writing this list...and the list still here...be...poof!...gone!
Though we all know on an intellectual level that those we love will pass it doesn't make the actuality any easier. It's an emotional torture and an unavoidable one. What I can say is that after the numbness...the newness...wears off, you're left with love and memories. That's the best we have and somehow it becomes manageable and less forcefully painful. We never forget, we just keep going and hopefully enjoy the rest of our own lives as our parents did before us when they lost their parents...
Hugs and condolences...
I did a few things. I wrote to my mom. I started a journal after she passed...so I could "talk" to her...tell her all the things I felt and how much I missed her...thought of her. This way, I didn't have to go "cold turkey." I was still able to speak to her instead of keeping it bottled up in my head. I did so for quite a while and then I put the journal away. If I feel the need to write in it again it's there...but I can't read it because it just breaks my heart. But it DID help while I was doing it.
I also made a scrapbook of her things. Notes, birthday cards, shopping lists, anything she had written down and I could SEE her writing...the tangible proof that she had been there. Dunno...just helped to not discard everything. Now, cute little reminders are neatly tucked in my scrapbook and THAT I can look at and smile...
In any case, your mom will always be alive in your heart. No substitute for the real thing but comforting to remember.
While journaling may not be for everyone, I found it allowed me to reflect back on the memories of helping her thru the most difficult time in her life.
Globee
I really don't have any words of wisdom. Just sending you a "virtual" hug...
Regarding all of the psychological stuff you hear about the "stages of grief," I really never understood how that is helpful to the person experiencing the grief. There's no time period you must adhere to or expect. Just let it flow in whatever way you need it to.
One thing that helped me after my father passed a long time ago (when I was 30 years old) was that I made a conscious effort to share positive and humorous memories of him with my friends and family, as opposed to lingering in thoughts of him as he was during his illness. My brother and I tried to always recount some wonderful memory about our dad. It was a way to keep us out of getting too lost in depression, which is so easy to do.
We are all eternal Spirit Souls. We are not the body...
Peace...