How do you handle the hurt of dealing with a selfish, uncaring and greedy sibling?

During money issues with my sisters, I remind myself that I am the rich one.....I have this precious time with my parents!

I watched this happen with cousins, their Mom was in severe decline, and several were not helping at her all, just loading up their trucks with her valuables to sell and squabbling over who would control her very limited funds. Because of their fighting
over the money, she ended up dying very quickly as the care she so badly needed was
never provided. After my aunt's funeral, I was treated to shouting, cursing and name
calling because one cousin thought I was possibly standing in her way to immediately
receive her inheritance (I guess she wanted it the day of the funeral!). The total to be
divided four ways was at most $20,000 all cousins owned their homes outright while their mother lived in a run down area. Also my aunt's "good friend", neighbor, and some time caretaker tried to steal from her as well while she was ill. I put a stop to it, and boy
did this woman shoot me daggers.

It's the human condition, some people develop their character, other's develop their
public mask instead. The ironic thing is that greedy, selfish even to the point of sociopathy types often look better to others than the folks that do all the actual work.
So damned frustrating to watch someone steal from their dying relatives, put on a teary
show at the funeral, and then turn into a monster immediately again after the last
guest leaves. How the heck do these guys live with themselves??

Nunya17, you are right to tolerate her because of your niece. You are the only healthy adult in her life. Your sister sounds like an addict who plays the victim. Go to alanon to deal with the insanity. Our family insanity is entitlement and greed, forms of addictive narcissism and materialism. Same church different pew. They're vain, abusive, insane, and nasty. It is NOT your imagination nor have you done anything wrong. Junkies is as junkies are. Get help. Good luck.

The core of the problem is pure greed. I gave up buying a condo in Manhattan 20 years ago to buy the house next door to the one I owned so I could move into it and move my parents from our town to be next door and closer to their doctors. Unknown to me, dad had been without any income from social security for years as he burned through my moms savings. I then spent the next seven years working out their social security, Medicare, wrap around insurance, and retirement lawsuits. In November 2007, all things were settled and my parents would have several thousand a month income with only utility, taxes, food, and insurance for the rest of their lives. One month after, dad got belligerent. When mom got an infection that next April, he left her lay on the couch until she went I to a comma before he walked next door in a panic asking us what to do although he was Calling us at work and visiting us almost daily to tell us of his resentments. After she died, he paid no utilities, taxes, insurance or anything for the next ten years. He made me pay it all on pain of losing the house. This summer, my older brother and sister started visiting. Dad is gone, we don't know where, we were mailed keys with no return address, all the accounts were closed, bonds redeemed, and the house was left with no central heating, working toilets, leaking sinks, all China and collectibles gone, and trash in the bedrooms do high you had to crawl over it to get to a window. Ditto for the patio and garage. Cons working a con who conned the trusting, idealistic, and naive. I can only imagine the Final Judgement. Materialistic, conniving, and self serving are the characteristics of this loving family values system. Family values my a***.

If she is being such a bi*** talk to her and ask why are you being SO greedy

Talk to her she must have a reason to be greedy

OMG!!!! I really thought I was the only one.... my sister...God bless her...I love her..but I absolutely do not like her at all!!!!! She is ungrateful, hateful...and such an eff'n liar with such an entitled attitude.  My sister is 8yrs my senior and all I can remember is how mean she was & is toward me and how ungrateful and disrespectful she was toward our mother. My mother was one of the best in the world, made all kinds of sacrifices for my 3 siblings and me without blinking an eye. Our mom supported her during her battle with drugs,  helped her with her children...hell my mom raised her oldest child and helped out tremendously with her other 2 kids. Now that my mother is passed on... all she does is speak ill of her. For those that didn't have the pleasure of knowing her... my sister has painted a horrible picture of my mother as a selfish unaffectionate person. She even blamed my mother for the reason we don't get along as well as her drug addiction. She accuses our mother of gossiping and brainwashing me against her... I'm like are you kidding me! The last time she tried this I went in on her... we had a bad argument and didn't speak for months... and actually I didn't miss her at all! She's even this way toward her own children. She was to selfish to help her oldest with his addiction now he's passed on... She takes no responsibility for her actions...its everyone else's fault...She's just a ef'n professional "Victim". Before our mom passed... she lost her eyesight, and both legs.... my sister dumped her kids off our my mom and disappeared for weeks. She left my mom stranded and stuck in her wheelchair at a friends house overnight because she was out gambling and instructed her daughter to lie for her to cover it up...however my niece refused to lie for her. She had told her children she wished she had an abortion.... I totally cannot stand her... the only reason I do not cut her out of my life completely is because of my great niece. The only way I deal with her is to pray and hold my tongue to avoid arguments...but its getting harder to not respond... This Thanksgiving she really showed her a** spreading lies on our Mom.... God give me strength!

Oh I a 67 not a young chickadee anymore

I have one sibling left & no Mom or Dad. It’s too long of a story but I live with my brother until he threatens to kick me out again. First time was 4 months after hip replacement surgery. I pay rent & my food but I’m on a fixed low income so he gets all my money every month except for $300 for me to pay a bill I have. No car, no money to move so one day me and my 3 cats will be pushing a shopping car while they are in their harnesses. While I know some of his finances, not all, he does have $78,000. Now who’s got it worse?

Its been 11 months since my father passed away. There was no fight over money. But in my mind my siblings are still uncaring and selfish as they were before my father passed away. I guess I just have to adjust my expectations and try to manage my own feelings. I have to know I cannot get blood from a stone. People are who they are and sometimes all we can do is try to find a way to deal with them. Or as others have suggested distance ourselves completely.

To many sleepless Nights...

I to am having the same issues, My Mother has passed 15 Months ago and my brother has control of my mothers now Ex-Husband being Next of Kin.

I have been told on 3 occasions that a Will to my mothers estate exists 2 times from my mother and even once from my brother. However on passing my brother has claimed that a will does not exist claiming (Died Intestate). I don't know what to believe as my family are Herbitual fabricators of the truth so I'm now having to Reach Search on the National Will Database UK. My issue is this my brother is a money grabber and using (died intestate) the first £250,000 and half there-after goes to the husband and half of everything else, So on an Estate upto £300,000 I could only get £15,000 under intestate law so my answer to you is get a Validated Will from a Solicitor and gain power of attorney over your mothers affairs.

 Make everyone aware of where to find the will in the event of her passing to cover any inaccuracies, And above all get this varified if the person involved has a memory problem as a relative can claim void under Deminished Responsibility. 

Final thoughts are (Pay for the burial if the person is cremated) as just as a twist siblings will try to claim the ashes if they can't claim anything else. They are even nasty to the point where they will also claim a cut of the ashes, in the UK this is still classed as a person, Under law in the UK the ashes reside with the bill payer and Solicitors will not entertain disputes over remains. For me it's to late as the Husband paid, for you I hope you are now armed for the days ahead as siblings are nasty scratchy people and remind me of the Gollum creature in JRR Tolkens Novel The Lord Of The Rings.

Guess I'm not alone got one sibling who inherited 500,000 from her husband's mother ( they were broke before that no pension , house 401 k etc) owes mom thousands hasn't paid her back a dime but has gone on a couple very expensive European vacations got some plastic surgery bought a house a car a motorcycle . Had to put mom in assisted living so mom could use the money! Tried to get keys to house from mom to go look for stuff but luckily my brother had the locks changed . She is just horrible we just look forward to the day we won't have to deal with her ever again

your sister has a severe personality disorder: Narcissism. These people are stingy, greedy, selfish, money hungry, envious, mean, calculating, pathological, ungiving, lying, manipulating, abusive, revolting creatures. The best thing you can do is what you are doing now: ignore her. Ignoring a narcissist is the worst possible punishment to them. It drives them crazy. Stay away and ignore the sh*t out of her.

What do you do when it's 3 siblings against one? My mother is in a situation where all her older siblings accused of her of using our grandmother's money, when it's grandma spending it because she says it's her money to do whatever with but they don't believe that it is their mother but my mother spending the money. When she tries to tell my grandmother she does not need to spend or buy some of the things she does. My grandma gets mad and starts making a scene so my mother stopped saying anything.

And recently I and my Fiance moved into my grandmother's home to become financial stable but only with her permission. We pay all bills except property taxes and have been accused now of stealing from her and been told that " we are disrespectful of my grandfather" when he told each of them that his home would be open to anyone who needs time to figure things out.

However, the house isn't in the best shape for my grandmother to live there and she has moments of cognitive decline but hasn't been diagnosed with anything but my aunt and uncles seem to think she is completely incapable of making decisions but she isn't.

My mother dies her share in caring for my grandmother but only when my aunt allows it's usually because she is tried of taking care of my grandmother. My aunt and uncles yells at my mother constantly because they feel that it is her sole responsibility of caring for my grandmother.

It has gotten to the point of them breaking into the house and scaring me and my Fiance.

Someone please help me with this. I really have been pushed into a corner. My aunt and uncles are treating my mother horrible and starting to try to force out of my grandmother's home and literally into the street with no where to go.

Yes there is at least one in every family. I had one and my best friend right now is dealing with 3 greedy, selfish, hateful and controlling siblings in her life.

My sister is just the same! I don't know what is up with it nowadays but I sure hope it stops, she has always thought of herself and when It comes to Other peoples needs she just pretends she didn't hear. Also she Is a food addict mainly eating other peoples food and stealing snacks to eat when no ones around. I try to ignore her but with my extreme anxiety level and my small autistic level I tend to speak to her, making her even more moody because "I stopped her from watching her YouTube vid even though I just wanted a quick chat" any ideas how to stop this???

Happy to relay some experiences and advice. It's huge to have the POA, but does come with the assumption that you are your mother's keeper. I would suggest you be completely transparent with all finances. Everything. From current care and your expenses to what's down the road as to her Will. It is entirely possible your non caring self absorbed sibling is feeling left out. Probably due to not knowing about finances. Just a guess.
Good luck - this family stuff is horrible.

I totally agree. Another good one is 'Confessions of a Sociopath written by a self confessed character. If, like me, you have always been known as the empath and sensitive sibling, it is hard to shake off that trait in their eyes. When you behave indifferently towards them, they can't understand it and, in my case, throw their proverbial dummy out of the pram. You are right by not reacting, hard at times when provoked, but it gets easier with time. These personalities are like bacteria that feed off any reason you give them to spread their toxic germ. It still makes me sad though, we only have one life and ideally it should be in harmony with family.

Yes, EIIG123 I have read "In Sheeps Clothing", along with "The Sociopath Next Door", "Psychopath Free", "Character Disturbance", and countless other psychology books on personality disorders. It has helped me a lot to understand that my sister is disordered and unchangeable. The only remedy is to try to protect myself from her lies. It takes a lot of restraint to not react, but that is what I have to do. She is looking for a reaction and I don't give it to her. If I make myself boring enough maybe she will eventually move on to a new and more interesting target.

Try reading 'wolf in sheeps clothing'. Having read it I realised it was me who had to change, not my narcissistic sister who has always selfishly done her own thing. 3 years ago, she left the country leaving me to support our 94 year old mum who had a fall that same week. I was working full time living 80 miles away. I had no way of getting in contact with the sister and was amazed she showed no guilt. I'd gone through all the emotions, anger, hatred, resentment, exhaustion, made all the harder as she was and always will be, mum's favourite.. 3 years on and with still no commitment from her and little contact with her mum, I continue to care for mum but have changed how I handle this sister. She knows she has killed our relationship and I have told her unless she takes ownership of her actions, treats me as her equal and shares responsibility, I'm not interested. Never having stood up to her before, she did not like it, but, I have closure and have regained my self esteem in speaking up for myself.

...er calumny...sorry for the typo. That's a new word for me...never heard it before. I had always heard the legal terms "slander" and "libel" used to describe assaults to someone's reputation.

katieann, if you're commenting on my situation with my sister, thank you for your supportive words, and even though I 'm not a religious person, the idea of building a wall of protection from the wicked behavior of others sounds comforting to me. In a way that is what I have done...although it's more like I've adopted an attitude of indifference than put up a barrier. But it works pretty much the same way. Having my sister slandering me is very painful because I care about my reputation and how I am perceived by others. The feeling of helplessness to battle against the lies that are told about me causes me frustration and emotional pain. But by letting go of the idea that I should concern myself with what others think of me, especially people that I will rarely - if ever - see again, helps to ease the pain. Really, I live 600 mi away from any of them so what impact can they really have on my daily life? I just need to forget about them all and not give them any space or time in my head. If caumny is a mortal sin, well we'll just have to add it to a long list of mortal sins my sister has racked up in her life. I'll just hope that God is good at accounting because there are a lot of entries on her ledger sheet!!

If a relative tells lies to others solely for the purpose of ruining your reputation, it is called calumny, and is a mortal sin. Those actions will be in God's hands. Meanwhile, remember the wisdom in an old saying: Never explain, your friends won't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyhow. Have faith and don't let any of it bother you. It is the relatives mental/emotional illness, and likely if it wasn't focused on you, that relative would be picking some other target because that is how they function. It's the old 'consider the source'. If you can look up advice from Mother Teresa on the computer, she has great wisdom to share and will help you with a wall of protection from the wicked behavior of others. I hope this will help rid your life of the unpleasant actions of another. Be free of those who cause vexation of your spirit.

I have 2 sisters, and a dying 90 yr old wonderful mom. One sister, no one is really sure where she is, or even if she is alive. She has some personality or mental health disorders I believe.
The other one was a drug addicted older teen, who my parents cared for and drove to the ends of the earth for, picking her up from hospitals, jails, and mental health centers to rehab her. She is actually over all that now with a large family, in her early 60's, and works full time nites in a hospital.
My mother is dying, hospice in the plan this week, she is in long term. My sister could barely return my phone call from the hospital this week, Mom was very ill in the ER. I am not sure how much info i should forward anymore, she is never grateful for what I do or inform her about.
I am thinking to just let the cards fall where they may, if she sees mom before passing ... so be it. Otherwise, oh well.

My husband has siblings whos behavior I dont get. One is fifty years old and has conned his elderly mom out of $100,000 in two years. Cant find a job he said.
He and his sister went thru inheritances of over six figures. He didnt talk to his mom until money ran out. The other sibling,her husband and son are living in mothers condo. She is in a nursing home and has dementia. We took over conservatorship to get her help. We need to get her on medicaid but have to sell the condo. They refuse to move saying they have the right to stay there. They pay for nothing and he only does part time seasonal work.

2ndbest, sounds like a very miserable, nasty situation. Probably best to keep your distance and have only limited contact with someone with you as a potential witness.

18 kids or is that a typo? Wow that is a huge family.

i have a sister inlaw that has a 85yr old mother and doesnt call her or let alone come see her mom.im personally the daughter inlaw and i live with my inlaw and she is homebound and had 18 kids and the majority of them dont come see her.i honestly dont understand i wish my mom was alive anyway my siser inlaw is a real b*tch and one day she will pay dearly.

Neither of my siblings care about me at all. It took a while for me to realize how much my brother manipulated me into taking on the care giving role for my Dad and stepmom. I finally cut him out of my life completely. I don't even talk to him or email him about Dad's condition. I don't need his help, nor do I want it. He always gets off easy and I get to live with the consequences. After Dad is gone, I will have nothing to do with either siblings. I don't need the negative manipulation in my life. LIfe is hard enough!

I am the youngest of 4. I lost both my parents in 11 months. My Dad died of complications from diabetes. His death was a blessing because he had suffered so much. 6 weeks later, I took my Mom to the hospital on Valentine's Day thinking she had a stroke. She didn't. She had a mass on her brain that appeared to be cancerous. I called my sister who lived 2 minutes from the hospital. We were at the hospital for 9 1/2 hours before they transferred my Mom to another hospital. In all that time my sister couldn't come to the hospital because it was Valetine's Day and she had plans with her husband. She wouldn't even talk with her on the phone. I was so furious because my Mom had put my sister and brother-in-law in charge of everything. I fought them tooth and nail over every decision from trying to deny my Mom the right to chemo and radiation to trying to declare her mentally incompent. My Mom lived for 9 months. I did 95% of everything by myself. I set up her Drs. appointments and radiation treatments, and went with her. At night after work, I cleaned her house up and got it ready to put on the market. My sister has done nothing. My brother-in-law has messed around with her finances and made such a mess the only option is bankruptcy. My brothers have taken no interest at all. My one brother lives in NC and he called twice. He didn't come for the funeral. My other brother has some issues and so he stayed away as well. He showed up for the funeral filthy and wearing dirty clothes. He was making a statement because we wouldn't give him our parents house. It is not ours to give and he can't afford to buy it. I planned my Mom's funeral and did all the work myself. My sister said she couldn't handle it. Since my Mom died 3 months ago, my sister has barely spoken to me. On Valentine's Day, 1 year from that fateful day, she sent me a text stating that she can't see me or speak to me. She's having her own issues and can't handle all the comments or negative energy that surrounds me. My sister has always been a selfish person. Growing up my parents did not make enough money nor hold positions of importance for her. My Dad worked 2 jobs so my Mom could stay at home. We lived a modest lifestyle. We often wore hand-me-downs or handmade cloths. It was never enough for my sister. My father loved to camp and so our family vacations were camping ones. My sister hated it and it finally got to the point where my parents let her stay with friends rather than go with us. She graduated high school and moved in with her boyfriend/now husband when she was 19 1/2. My entire life my sister was never around. She was embarrassed to be associated with us and I never understood why. We were a normal family who had normal every day problems. No one in our family smoke, drank, did drugs, got in trouble with the law, etc. So I never understood this feeling of being ashamed of where she came from. She has always lived the life of a type A overachiever constantly looking for people's acceptance. The sad reality is that she will never find it until she comes to grips with her own issues of self-worth that has plagued her life. Unfortunately she can't turn back the clock to bring my parents back from the dead and be there for them like she should have been when they were dying. The sad part is that her inability to deal with grief, loss and inadequacy is now threatening to destroy her marriage. Again she is judgmental and accepts no responsibility for her actions. I accept that she doesn't want to see me or speak to me. I hope in time that will change. I pray for her everyday. I thank God for the strength and the fortitude to be able to be there with my Mom throughout her battle with cancer. I love my parents with all my heart and I miss them tremendously! I have no guilt. I know without a doubt I was truly blessed to have had such wonderful, loving parents.