Mom has Alzheimer's. Her crazy family has been accusing us of stealing money, etc., whatever they could make up for the 3 years since mom's diagnosis. We have mom in a beautiful memory care facility with the best, most loving staff, and have seen a huge improvement in her health. Her care costs over $5,000/month. I don't handle the finances, am not on any accounts, and don't want anything of moms (I have enough junk of my own). My sibling that handles the accounts, I would trust with my life, is extremely careful with mom's money. We need that money to last a very long time to keep her in this care facility. We haven't so much as gone out to lunch on my mom's dime! The "Psychos" filed a complaint with Adult Protective Services, stating that we took the money from her reverse mortgage and were spending it on ourselves! I'd sure like to know where "I" spent it because I don't have anything new, nor have I travelled.... In fact, I'm still here, trying to raise my kids! One child has special needs and his issues are a daily struggle. The APS determined there was no grounds whatsoever to the complaint. How can I legally, if need be, get these creeps out of my life for good?!
I guess if they are your mom's family they are related to you. (Uncle? Cousin once removed?) That doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life. If they accept the APS investigation results and apologize to you, hey maybe you could maintain a distant connection. But if their attitude doesn't change, why would you accept calls from them, answer their emails or letters, etc?
Can you just drop them from your life and move on?
Unfortunately, I don't know of a way of getting an injunction against people telling lies. Maybe a lawyer could write a stern letter about libel and slander.
Do you have any idea what their motivation is? Are these people who have any financial interest in your mother's estate? (Expect to inherit, etc.) Is there bad blood somewhere in the picture -- they never liked who your mother married, or have some grudge against you kids? Or they are just whacko?
I guess it doesn't matter why, the question is just how to stop them. I hope you have some success.
How is this impacting your mother?
They told my mother we were going to sell her house out from under her and throw her in a nursing home for the 3 years Mom was at home with 24/7 caregivers. Now, Mom goes nuts whenever any of us come to visit, threatening to kill herself.... We told them for 3 years that this was elder abuse and they had to stop. They promised to stop, but, never really stopped. Now, of course Mom thinks she's in the type of place they referred to! Which she isn't.
As much as it hurts to have lies told about you, it doesn't sound like these folks would be taken at their word within the family, right? Everyone must know that they are whacko.
Wow ... and all I complain about is a judgmental brother. I cannot do anything right according to him (accusations/lies) and at one time my mom did believe him but since caring for her for this year since my dad died, she sees my heart and knows that I have only her best interest at heart. Thank God for that change of heart.
I agree with setting boundaries both with the facility and visiting and also with yourself. With my brother's recent visit I didn't engage in conversation nor participate in activities he and my mom did (well he and his girlfriend and my mom). I caught ridicule for that from him (via a family member) but my mom understood that with caring for her and my education, I am tired and took the time they were out to rest. Thank God for her understanding me needing rest and also that I do invest time caring for her.
I also agree with speaking with legal counsel about slander/libel. A letter from such a professional should curb their appetite to gossip about you. I agree with writing and email (generic/general) as well. I am also the type of person that would copy/scan that report/ the findings and mail/email it to everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in the family...but then that's just me.
But I accept that every situation is different and sometimes it is best to vent here and get it out and leave everyone else alone for a while. This site is the the best for that! Venting! All topics, every topic, any topic. This site has provided a great forum for comraderie, that's for sure!
The impact this has on your mother is the most important thing to focus on. Your reputation isn't tainted unless the "gossip" is true (not saying it is; rest assured you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and that's good enough for me). Your mom, no matter who is saying what, should have quality of life and enjoy it!
Peg in San Diego
Every now and then a co-worker says something negative about me. In a joking manner, I usually respond with "Stop hating. ... I know you want some of this, but you're gonna have to get your own."
In your case, they probably want access to that money.
-- Ed
When you do a FHA backed RM there are 4 things that can be a problem:
FAILURE TO PAY - property taxes, homeowners/flood/wind insurance
MOVING TO A NEW PRIMARY RESIDENCE- if reverse mortgage property stops being your primary, you are required to pay your loan
BEING OUT OF THE HOME FOR MORE THAN 1 Yr - the loan will come due.
ALLOWING THE PROPERTY TO DETERIORATE - being away for a while, like that trip to Provence the skanks will say you took, is allowed but if the property gets run down while you are away, the loan could be called in. After Katrina, some homeowners who had RM, got letters w/detailed questionnaire as to the status of the home, how it was being secured, status of repairs, utility information - this was all about calling in loans that looked like they were in areas with uncertainty. And that was in 2005 before the real estate market tanked.
Two of the big reverse mortgage players, Bank of America & Wells Fargo, got out of the new reverse business this year. They were like 50% of the market too - they still service & honor the old loans but do not write any new ones. They did it because alot of the homes with RM now are negative-equity so they were taking losses on those RM's done in the go-go real estate years of the 1990's - 2005.
Whatever you do, DO NOT contact them to tell them mom has moved. Go and see a financial advisor or elder law attorney to come up with a game plan on how to deal with this so that she can either protect her assets or come up with a plan to negotiate the pay-back terms or string out the equity on the house if the RM folks make it go to sale so that she can qualify for benefits.
About the skanks, I'd go to the NH to make notes of how often they visit and for how long. Most NH have a sign in sheet with time in/out. If there is a pattern, I'd go right before them and be doing an activity with your mom and stay through their visit. Keep a detailed log of what is said and by whom. It may come in handy if you have to get an attorney to do a restraining order in the future. Good luck.
Help Mom to build new "family" relationships in the facility.
Resist contacting the perpetrators and asking them to be nice. If they contact you to make accusations or suggestions, make them feel like they have been heard by staying un-defensive (Deep breath) and thanking them for the advice & saying you will consider their suggestions (you don't have to follow through).
I have not filed yet, because I need to first get Dad to a safe place where he can receive 24/7 supervision. I have lost many an hour of sleep researching for Dad and am considering for future use. I am the POA for Dad and was for Mom. Brother has lived in the family home rent free and mooching for over 5 years. I have proof documented that he has stolen $1500.00 over the past 6 weeks by using Dad's credit cards, tricking Dad (dementia & Parkinsons) to give him $140 cash weekly for groceries and keeping the change and having Dad add his vehicle to Dad's auto insurance policy, which Dad has been paying for at least the past year. Brother has been accusing me of stealing because I have been taking care of Dad's bills, and reacting physically & mentally abusively toward me & my family because I have discovered the truth in the details. His behavior has been the same for years. He's claimed to have hired a lawyer and has been brainwashing Dad into transfering the POA to him. Today, Dad moves to Assisted Living and brother will remain in the home for now. I will soon decide to either evict or draft a rental agreement for mayhem bro. No reverse mortgage in my situation, however, Mom & Dad had previously drafted & filed the General POA & asset transfer so the house would be split 3 ways upon death of Dad (out of state sister) so nothing goes to probate. If bro is successful in cancelling the current POA , everything goes to probate and a State guardian may be appointed. Michigan law does not allow a transfer - it gets cancelled and nobody, not me, not bro, not the state, will be able to make any decisions or pay bills for Dad for a full 6 weeks. He's shooting himself in the foot because he knows his free ride is over.
Good luck!
There are other caregivers in their home now-that are paid. I stopped (it was very hard) care giving, I was doing for free.
I had to detach myself from the finances and handling their affairs. I make regular visits/outings with my Mother to keep our relationship intact, and to insure she is okay.
When we ended up in court, the judge ruled 100% against the guy and ordered him to stop making my life miserable. He kept on.
He finally stopped when I had a lawyer send him a letter threatening to sue and then lien his home for the judgement money.
Sounds like you should really go after these people; you have a raft of evidence against them.
I decided that it’d make my mom unhappy to ban him from her ALF. So I stay away from this character although I feel he stirs my mom up quite often. He’s up to something. I’ll know what sooner or later.