She has Medicare and Medicaid, so the money is not the issue. Her physical health is declining and the work is endless.
The issue is the 7 siblings that live far away. They help once or twice a year. They all know that this plan is in place. however we used a NH for respite last year for 2 weeks and because of high emotions, we were told we are unkind and cruel.
I live with and take care of my MIL. I love her. I want to have the process be as easy and comfortable as possible. I feel we should begin the conversation and maybe do some respite...so she can tell us which place feels most comfortable. I don't feel we should just spring it on her..
Does anybody have experiences that worked?
It sounds as though one of the seven siblings is the main problem, most are OK. Perhaps you invite the difficult one/s to come and stay for a few days, see what’s involved in care, without you doing all the spade work. And talk to the OK siblings about being supportive for you (and you are in the most difficult situation), not just staying quiet if and when the insults start.
You are planning to travel. That is the perfect option for saying that mother’s care is needed while you are away, and you will see how it goes when you eventually get back. That story worked well for a recent poster, whose mother adjusted remarkably well. Can the siblings work out a way for mother to be visited regularly in the first weeks? You certainly don’t want her to feel that she has been dumped! Visiting may be difficult for them, but caregiving has been difficult for you. Fair’s fair!
My folks knew all along they'd be living in IL then AL and lived longer as a result. All this nonsense you read here about the horrors of managed care come unfounded in most cases, from people with agendas to push and no firsthand experience at all. The key to managed care is that you find a reputable facility first, and then you visit often to advocate for your loved one. If they're dumped off and forgotten about forevermore, then problems can and do crop up. But, if you're there visiting and having meals with them, etc, then you KNOW what's happening and can keep the management's feet to the fire if/when necessary. Plus, the elder gets socialization and entertainment and activities they'd never get cooped up in a house 24/7. #Truth
Best of luck!
Plus not everyone lives in Wisconsin and most of those who do aren’t up to doing tge work of three people when they’re retirees themselves.
Since she is cognitively able to understand and remember and it doesn’t sound like she was actually included in these plans from the beginning personally I think you are absolutely right it’s time to include her and warm her up to it. You could even start by simply saying you will be traveling more and it just isn’t practicle for her to travel to “the girls” houses each time and they simply aren’t able to come each time so we thought it would be a good idea to try a few options out to see which one she likes best while your trips are shorter. You don’t have to say just yet you are looking for a permanent living situation. I’m assuming it’s been decided for whatever reason that she will stay around your home base rather than moving closer to one of the other siblings so they really do need to back you up on making this easier for Mom and probably your husband should say this to them, all of them. It’s not as though you haven’t included all the siblings from the get go. No placing of guilt or accusations just that it’s time to start the transition, which you want to do gently and they need to be part of it. The other thing to remind yourselves and the siblings about is that getting her settled in sooner rather than later when she might not be able to understand as well is much better for her. It may be hard now but it could be much harder a year or two from now if she’s failing more.
Good luck, it sure sounds to me that you are caring for her very well and that you all love her and want the best possible for her. Keep up the good work and enjoy your retirement and travel!
And as far as the siblings; that's just unfair they'd think that way. I suspect much of that response was from guilt. Perhaps a sit down with them to say "if you'd like her to come live with you..." or "if you'd like to be more involved, this is how you can help." It always gauls me to have armchair advisors telling you what the wrong/right thing to do is without being willing to do it themselves. Good luck on that, stay strong.
I'm luckier with my mom. That's who we are working with now. She has always been one to "take care of herself" and doesn't want to be a burden to her family. I hope I remember that when it comes my time. I think the key thing is for you MIL to know that you'll still be a part of her life; just in a different way.
Moving to a nursing home is hard for family, but it's turned out to be best for my mom as she is really getting much better care- the care that she needs. I know it's different for every family. What works best for ours may not be the best solution for everyone. You need to do what works best for yours. And then be at peace with your solution.
Good luck!
Siblings have stated to us clearly that she will go to a Skilled nursing facility when she leaves here. They actually came and visited a few.. and they’ve made the choice.
we are having continual conversation about traveling when we retire next year.. mom says the girls will take her to their home. LOL.. Guess they’ll have to tell her the scoop.
I've also seen articles like that on websites of elder care attorneys. You might check the state bar directory for elder care law firms, skim their websites, and see if you can find articles. They'll provide insight into guidelines and factors that may arise.
You're wise to address this now and make plans ahead of time.
Your profile says your MIL is 92 yrs old, but you don't mention dementia so I'm assuming she has all her cognitive faculties and memory to make reasonable decisions.
For clarity, who is your MIL's PoA? If it is one or more of her children (the authority is not yet active since she is not incapacitated) this person/people are the ones who should also have a say in where she lives since they will eventually be managing all her affairs and advocating for her. If she hasn't assigned a PoA and also created an Advanced Healthcare Directive, this will surely be a recipe for family in-fighting. More info about this would be helpful.
That being said, I like your idea of explaining it to her and "test driving" for the right place, however her choices may be limited if she's already on Medicaid. Not every facility accepts Medicaid and of those that do, the current residents get first dibs on those beds so there may be waiting lists. Also, almost without exception a Medicaid bed means a shared room. Medicaid is run independently by each state so maybe your state will cover a private room. You may want to check.
Do not be surprised if she doesn't like any of the places. It's a huge change for her, scary, and it's also what is represents: the last stop before heaven. Please be very sensitive to this.
If the other siblings have an uprising then you will tell them that you'll pack her up and move her to their home. It's as simple as that (unless they're not the PoA). That usually shuts them up. If your MIL is savvy enough she will know that your residence is her legal residence and if she chooses not to leave, then you can't force her without an actual eviction. Just want to make you aware of this.
This process is emotional for everyone, but mostly your MIL. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and a peaceful retirement.
One of the first things to find out is whether or not a facility accepts Medicaid. Mostly it is nursing homes that accept Medicaid for residential care.
If her house is sold, the proceeds of the sale will go to cover her care in the nursing home. You can prepay for funeral services.
If house left empty, Medicaid will put a lien on the title and recover Medicaid costs before any other money is distributed.
A 'hidden agenda' for some of the siblings may be that they are expecting to inherit from sale of house. May or may not occur.
Good on you and your spouse for taking care of your MIL so well. And for realizing that retirement means it is time for retirement from caregiving as well.