I got Mark's death certificate yesterday and the grief hit me like a ton of bricks. It has his three causes listed and I just bawled like a baby. I guess I said it was my fault. I know it's not my fault, but I feel so bad he had to suffer through pain at a younger age. It's so weird how just recently things hit me making me cry like shredding old bills and even TV shows we watched together. Grief is weird and so random at times
I have to go pick up his ashes, and I know that will trigger another round of sadness and grief. I don't think I will ever be the same agai I miss him every minute..
Mom was 101 and had a multitude of health issues.
Hubby was 73 and also had many issues, dementia, copd, chronic pain, addiction to painkillers.
Telling myself they are free and no longer suffering doesn't help. Everything triggers tears, depression.
Some days, I am ok, but on a weekend night like this the night feels long and endless.
Friends and family check in with me contstantly, take me out, but grief is just a wave I have to ride.
I know what you mean by the death certificate, so real, so final, so true.
I am 64 and have a long time to live, I imagine if I take care of myself. So I'm trying to recover from being a caretaker for so long by trying to exercise, eat well and finally get some decent sleep. But I have to force myself to do these things, as I currently could give a crap about all the self care I complained so much about missing out on when I was taking care of them and feeling pulled in a million different directions.
Yeah, everything makes me cry too. Hugs to you, DoggieMom86.
My heart aches along with you. No one can predict or really "teach" about grief, because each is as individual and unique as the love and relationship with each person. Grief is in proportion to our love - we love and care; therefore we grieve. I don't think it really ever "ends" - it just changes - morphs and changes as various layers are processed, understood, felt and tucked away ( put with the possibility of always being unpacked. Emotions are not "right" or "wrong" - they just are - and though painful, a glorious part of wat makes us human and special.
It is far worse, I think to not feel anything - to be totally numb- from depression, fear, whatever. To cry, feel, get angry, sad, guilty, happy - all is ok, even healthy.
Grieving the deaths of a husband, a marriage, and both my parents, I have learned there is no "script", no "normal way to grieve", no "timeline". I have learned to lean on others, have patience with myself, try to reach out in service to others and as a Christian, lean heavily into Christ in my weakness.
You are ok; you are normal; you will get better and heal but be a new an different person - I think the goal is to be more compassionate, more empathetic, more "human" as getting to the other side of the hardest part of grief ...Sending hugs, prayers, and wishes for you ....peace and perspective.
It does get better. I'm almost eight years in and some days I do feel the grief kicking in especially around the approaching holidays. I plan to put up a tree. I haven't done decorations in almost seven years.
I had a feeling of being ungrounded and lost for the earlier part of the year for the most part. I never thought that it was due to these losses.