My Dad is 81 and lost his wife of 37 years end of May. I am his full-time caregiver and overwhelmed.
He is now talking about joining online dating he has to get back out there and flirting with the help that comes in. He cannot drive and has memory problems.
This is all new to me I work full time and want to do what is best.
Looking for tools to help me navigate this. The Dr said this is normal in men his age.
#feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
My mom goes to the Sr Center and it is almost embarassing how the women fawn over the men--ratio of like 10-1.
The women literally fight to get to sit next to one of the single men, and the married ones too. Sometimes I tease mom about her swinging singles center.
I bet he would adapt well and love it.
You say you are a caregiver for him full time and you say you work full time. Both things are not possible.
Are you his POA?
My suggestions would be that if he doesn't already live with you, you do not take him into your own home.
That you get POA and all other papers done with him while he still is competent to do them.
That you plan for protecting his assets from himself and that you plan for his move to Assisted Living if there are assets. He may thrive there as it sounds he is lonely and looking for companionship.
Can you tell us what is in place of the things mentioned at this time?
Op said "...flirting with the help that comes in."
I should think what she meant is she is the only "care-giver" in the similar sense that I was for my mother, plus more. My mother required a lot more than some help. Even just managing everything can seem like a full time job!
If he's in the early stages of memory issues, she doesn't have to be there 24/7, and she also has "help" of some kind, but she does have some care duty and all the managerial duties as well!
I don’t mean to make light of your situation at all but I had to laugh at the flirting comment.
It was horrible when my mom fell. She has mobility issues due to Parkinson’s disease.
When the firefighters came to help her up, she was grateful and all smiles, not just for the help but because they were so fit and handsome!
Oh, the physical therapist that came for home health were extremely good looking too.
The inside joke was that mom was old but she could still recognize a great looking guy!
I told her nurse about it. She laughed so hard. She said that elderly women never paid much attention to her but let a good looking man walk in and they perked up!
It would certainly be good for him to have social interactions with others his age, but in a more controlled environment. If he has memory issues, likely early dementia, I would also ensure you have POAs in place and protect his assets. There are many gold-diggers who would also take advantage of an elderly man, esp if he has assets they can get their mitts on!
Bad timing at the moment for encouraging social activity. When it is safer, try Senior Centers. They often have social activities. The elder day cares are probably not going to be a good place for meeting someone, as many are in more advanced stages of medical or cognitive issues, but you could check any local ones. If he could afford AL, that would certainly open up his horizons (again, when it is safer, as many now have very restricted activities, if any.) If you/he belong to a church, once restrictions are loosened up, they might have social activities as well. Any friends who have lonely widows in the family?
Hopefully you have a Dx for him. Some men who are experiencing dementia can misread ques or just be over-sexed, which will cause more problems. Maybe he just wants some companionship, which is fine.
May I also suggest that it would be a good idea for your to attend a grief group since it appears you are still grieving the loss of dad's wife. Greif Share is a good place to check out.
Is an older person who has sign up for online dating sights it is not as problematic as you think.
Maybe just finding a female friend to talk to will be good.
Be careful about gold diggers if he's got any money.
My Dad is 96 and he still will flirt
But in his case, he wasn't really looking for someone to date. He just wanted to look. He doesn't want to pay the fees, so he gets the free features, which basically consist of being able to look at pictures and wink at people but not much else. He LOVES it when women wink at him. And he will spend tons of time looking at the pictures. But that's the extent of it.
Honestly, I think it is very normal for men in this age range for some reason. As others have mentioned, I would try to keep an eye on his finances. I'm not going to lie, I keep his Facebook password and log in periodically to see what messenger messages his has. I've deleted a handful of wannabe gold diggers in the last year. (my criteria is basically early to mid 20s (picture) with nothing but men in FIL's age range on their page -they are fishing for something).
There is nothing wrong with harmless flirting and even getting to know someone virtually. COVID makes in person more difficult of course. But you want to be aware of any financial impacts or if he suddenly decides he's getting married.
Frankly I'm much more worried about online dating for my daughters (early 20s) than for FIL because he just really likes to look and feel like people are looking at him.
I see so many people getting upset that their parent desires companionship after their long time spouse dies and it breaks my heart that people forget the beauty of a friendship with someone that you care about and that cares about you. It usually comes down to the money and the elders heart is forgotten, disregarded and trampled on. Shame on anyone worried about what they won't get if their parent has a happy 2nd chance at love.
Your mom is truly blessed that you care about her wellbeing and accept that she wants and needs a companion to be happy.
I actually pray that my mom will find someone that makes her feel useful and happy in her sunset years. The loneliness is heart breaking to see.
Its so unfortunate that many elderly widower men can't get a grip on their own looming demise, and carry on like teenage boys. Only in one instance, did the original family and children agree with the new marriage, and step family, for their father.
I think an honest discussion with the father, and then his PCP, if possible. So much hurt and feelings of abandonment, could potentially be avoided. Try to get things worked out, before it actually becomes a reality and complete nightmare for you and your original family.
Best wishes!
Your situation is complicated by the fact that you sold your house and your dad's house to buy a house where you both can live. Both of your names on the deed to the new house?
It is incredibly hard to be a 24/7 caregiver. You are burning out. Your dad's needs are only going to increase. Is there money left over from the sale of his home to hire help? Hire a housekeeper? Hire an aide for him?
You may reach a point where you decide that he needs more help than you can hire and manage safely at home. You may want to talk to an elder law attorney about options available to you and your dad given the home ownership situation you have with the new house and his refusal to move to AL.
You also should make sure that all his important paperwork - durable power of attorney, living will, will - are in order.
My Mom, at 90, has quite a few friends on FB, but she has not been able to figure out how to work it---so the idea someone had of gifting her a small Ipad with FB all set up for her was a bust.
MY MIL, also 90, used FB to connect with family and a few friends. She never did figure out that none of us are on FB 24/7, so it wasn't GREAT as an instant communication, like Facetime or Skype. But every time she logged on, there would be pics and little comments from grandkids.
She has quit using it, the pandemic just shut her down, emotionally & mentally, almost 100%. She is sliding swiftly into dementia.
I still think your dad would be very happy in a LTC facility. He'd be a hit with the ladies, trust me. I've seen my mom 'fight' the other ladies at BINGO over who gets to sit next to Ralph. Ralph LOVES it.
Supervise his contacts if you can, like dating websites, to prevent his being taken advantage of financially or by an opportunistic "date."
Others need time to themselves for awhile and some never wish to have another mate in life. They are content to be alone.
Therapists do not recommend that a person jump into a committed relationship shortly after a death or divorce.
Some people listen to this advice.
Others feel that they know best and don’t feel as if they are vulnerable and jump into a relationship soon after losing a mate.
My neighbor told me that she had grieved the loss of her husband long before they divorced.
My neighbors spent time in counseling but her husband was never going to make an effort to contribute to the marriage.
It was all about him and he blamed his wife for the failure of their marriage.
Some people feel this way if they go through a long illness with a mate before their ultimate death. They have already begun the grieving process.
Every situation is individual. This could be debated forever!
You may feel a responsibility to protect your father, just as parents may feel a responsibility for their adult children.
The truth is that we can’t ever fully protect another person. Sometimes it is interfering in other’s lives, versus protection.
Obviously, if we sense a person is in danger we can further investigate, otherwise everyone is a ‘grown up’ and they will either be happy or possibly be faced with a disappointing relationship.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
My mom felt a lot of this when my dad passed away. He had been ill for 10 years before he passed and their relationship in many ways had become more like roommates in her caregiver role, than husband/ wife. She had grieved her marriage and the loss of her husband, replaced by a man she loved that needed her physical and emotional care, but no longer was really able to offer the same for her.
And interestingly enough - she has nearly no interest in finding someone else, because the caregiver side of her worries that she will be pulled into that role again. We rarely worry about FIL actually getting involved with anyone, because as someone mentioned earlier, I can't see a woman in his age range being interested in getting into a relationship where she would be 24/7 caregiver.
. My SIL (never married and baby of the family) was absolutely horrified, embarrassed, and wouldn't tell us in a phone call, it had to be in person and we live 300 miles apart. My husband laughed so hard I thought he would fall out of his chair. I cared for my Dad and was familiar with this issue.
It's normal. We explained that to her and she finally relaxed but boy-oh-boy did it throw her for a loop.
You handle it with the "stall and redirect" as often as it takes.
FIL's caregiver asked him if he was proposing because, after all, she was a good woman and would only do that sort of thing with a husband. He didn't speak to her for 2 days and then it was all forgotten (until next time).
Find a friendship line (free, social services, non-profits) who will call him. Elder care facilities have this challenge too and I believe they do not lock people in their rooms so it depends on how often people / rooms are monitored. "IF" you decide to place your dad in a care facility, ask them how they handle this situation.
The Doc should have said "this is normal in men AT ANY age. Frankly, the doctor didn't provide ANY useful information to you. Perhaps change your MD.
You might also be able to get a visitor (socialization) although they likely are not making house calls during Covid. Call social services and ask about socialization / elder care visits / companionship. Check with your county.
The other normal thing is to have companionship. With or without the naughties. There is NO HARM whatsoever, in setting him up with an OURTIME or MATCH etc. type acct. Let him look, let him post his pic, let him respond, would be good for his soul. Just be sure you are on top of his finances so he is not going to rack up a high bill or donate to some troll acct. in Russia.
I would not let anyone-BACK OUT THERE- during a pandemic, that's just flat stupid, maybe you can get him to understand that and share with him computer options for "FUN" be it of the companion sort, or the more naughty type.