Is anybody else getting more afraid of getting old?

This is to wish the agingcare team, and all caregivers, all the best on the occasion of St Valentine's day. May love, this noble feeling, prevail, spread its wings, and unite us all. Kindest regards, and hugs to you all.

MollyFink....great attitude

As I read through all the comments on this question, I realized that no one who is fearful or worried about having to be a caregiver has expressed any real hope. I am 67 and will probably be a caregiver until I die as it is my handicapped daughter (34) and not a aging parent who is in need of my care. Both she and I take our daily strength and joy from God. He not only gives hope for the future, He carries our burdens daily. Think about it; what have you got to lose?

Melanie....your sisters certainly do not understand hospice then. My dad Would not want to die in a hospital. Hospice provides pain control making his life much more comfortable. They spend time with him...listening to his concerns and offering moral and spiritual help. I also did not likes to hear the word hospice and certainly did not realize the compassion and understanding they provide. I hope they reconsider for your mother's sake.

Melaine, my mother didn't want to call in hospice for my father. She thought it was like betraying him and saying he was going to die. It wasn't until the day that he died (in hospital) that she agreed to hospice. I thought I would approach it differently if my mother needs hospice. I plan to tell her that it will make it easier on her, because the people will come to the house. That way she won't have to go out to the doctor. And that Medicare will pay for it, saving her a lot of money.

I don't know if we'll be able to use hospice at home. My mother already has mobility problems and is too heavy for me to lift. She is also stubborn as a mule when she sets her mind to something. I have a feeling that if she ever does need hospice, it will be in a nursing facility where they will be able to physically take care of her better than I can.

Thank you for your suggestions about getting hospice. I have tried for a year now to convince my two sisters that it is time to call a hospice care company as have serveral of mom's Drs. Unfortunately both of my sisters feels very strongly that calling hospice would signal to mom that we are "giving up on her" and are ready to let her die. Her cardiologist and pulmonologist have both told mom that they can no longer work on a cure for her conditions but are basically trying to keep her out of the hospital and comfortable. When her Drs. mention putting her in the care of hospice by name one of my sisters gets angry and says she thinks we should " find another Dr. Who cares!". She doesn't want to upset mom. I've tried to explain that mom knows she is dying. She doesn't suffer from dementia and is aware of her multiple conditions. Mom is catholic and feels that going into hospice is like giving up and is equal to suicide. She feels that way because that is the message she has mistakenly gotten from my sister. It is very sad. The last time her Dr. made the suggestion it was time to consider hospice care she looked to us and said "if you feel that I'm not worth saving, I will do it". It is a heart breaking situation.

Definitely yes.......in fact I hope I just go naturally before any type of lingering illness gets me or I lose my mind. I feel sometimes that as I look back at my life, my deceased husband and I shared some wonderful memories together and now that I am alone and older, I know that when mom passes, I will have have to pick up a part time job to survive. My son wants a life of his own and he is all I have...so yes, I know my Lord and Savior and know I will see my many wonderful deceased loved ones after I have served my time here....which I truly hope won't be so old that I will be like one of the ladies who posted said she is afraid of finding herself in a state nursing home sitting mindlessly in a pile of poop.

Melaine7 your mother's health is a very sad situation. I sincerely hope hospice is involved. My father has hospice care and they are just super. Always available and very caring.

Veronica. my son has done that to me, putting computer parts and such all over every possible staging area I can come up with! And, yes, working on downsizing, giving stuff away, and above all taking care of your own health risks better than your parent did are very good defense mechanisms. I'm working hard on not being diabetic and physically inactive or frail...hope it works!

melanie Mom's itching is probably due to her renal failure. Does she have anything precribed for it? I find the Gold Bond lotion very helpful for itching if you want to try something OTC. have you thought about contacting hospice. it sounds as though she would qualify with all these hospital admissions. That would get you a lot of extra help and advice.

My mom had dementia in her 50's. Her mother (grandma) was next to be diagnosed with Alzheimer. My oldest sister is becoming mentally unstable. Then I read how all these research are finding links between Ongoing Stress and dementia. I helped dad with mom. Then dad got a stroke, bedridden and now going senile. Oldest sis, who's helping me with dad is now becoming unstable. Me trying to juggle full time job and them. Yep, ongoing stress. Yep, and I keep forgetting to stop and Breathe. Per Teepa, if we can just remember to Breathe several times a day, it will help de-stress us a Lot. So for me - the fear of getting old is more the fear of getting Alzheimer/dementia.

There are many many days when taking care of mom prompts me or feel afraid of grow old. I see the effects of old age on her and see that a lot of it come from smoking for 70 years and untreated high blood tension for most of her life. Mom has CHF, COPD, stage 4 renal failure, and is almost deaf. She can no longer walk and can hardly stand with help to pivot onto a potting chair. She also suffers from venous stasis ulcers on her lower legs that require weekly treatment & wrapping. She has lost ALL of her teeth and is a very picky eater. One of the worst things she has had to endure is a cronic "intractable itching". Nothing seems to relive the itching so she scratches constantly.
Mom has been hospitalized 16 times in the last 18 months. This has given her an infection called VRE and MRSA infections. She has had hospital acquired infections that have turned into pneumonia more than once.
Seeing how much my mom suffers with all this makes me wish I would die young so I don't have to go through any of this.

Agree with everythin chicargo and Emjo. Just not ready to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I try and get organized but as soon as there is a clear horizontal surface hubby puts stuff on it. everything is still good and i might need it one day!!!!!!!!!
as far as driving is concerned i will happily hand over the keys although i still like some freedom. I did buy my last new car last year. if i live to 85 i think that will be quite old enough to stiop driving. a while ago hubby thought we should consider moving into town so we could walk if we could no longer drive. i told him if i could not drive i certainly would not be able to walk anywhere. We long ago moved out of the family home so there are no sacred kids rooms left. i do like the independence of a single family home and i know neither of us would be happy with community living.We don't play well with others. Don't need anyone to tell me to go to the Dr it is just that I don't always agree with what they want me to do and although I am an old woman I still expect a proper diagnosis not "Yes the test was
abnormal but I can't find anything serious" you can come back if you feel you need to. In other words "go away and don't biother me" i seem to be full of piss and vineger this morning.

Chicago1954. You gave me a much needed laugh and I agree with every one on your list! I just got off the phone with NH dad. I doubt he heard half of what I said....he tossed his hearing aids because he thought they didn't fit right. Now he thinks everyone he talks to needs a new phone because he can't hear them. Just to make sure he is correct, he purchased a new phone .... He couldn't hear them on it so it has to be every other phone has a problem.

Chicago - good list
1) have done that
2) have a hearing enhancement device - now to remember to wear it all the time
3) food always tastes good :)
4) I am working on it. Mother "gave" me a lot of her "junk". This was no favour to me. and I am still getting rid of it. Thankfully my daughter is ruthless about stuff. She is a good person for me to consult.
5) Want to downsize, but sig other likes what we have. He is younger than me, has more energy and likes keeping lots of "stuff" :(. Can we average our ages and get a few more years? When we move we will have a barn or large storage shed somewhere, and his "stuff" goes there.
6) Agreed abut driving. Though I am still a good driver, I am thinking of not getting another car when this one goes.
7) I am independent to a fault.
8) It's OK to have a pain, just don't be one. I find I have to make new friends much younger than me. The long standing ones are dying off.
Do I pass?????

I wish there were a caregiver convention in las vegas for us all to have a wild and crazy time, but alas non of us would be able to get away anyway. I will enjoy thinking about it though. Yes we do need to enjoy every day and make the best of it we can. I agree with "thecaringsister".

This makes me want to go outside and enjoy the sunshine while I can! Have some fun! Most of us caregivers take life too seriously, so for today, I'm putting myself on the top of my 'to do' list. (That is after I take Mom to the eye doctor and pick up her groceries.)

Have a piece of cheese too! :)

I am not afraid. I am getting ready. My MIL is 91 and in an AL. My mother is 95 and in a NH. Both are healthy and well taken care of.

There are many things that I have learned. 1. If your adult kids tell you that you need to see a doctor, then you need to see a doctor. 2. If no one can hear you, it isn't wax in your ears. Get a hearing aid. 3. if everyone else is enjoying the food and it doesn't taste right to you, it is YOU, not the food or the cook. 4. Throw out junk. Just because you like it, does not mean that anyone else does. 5. Down size. If you are 80 and still in the house, that you raised your kids in, it is time. 6. If your kids don't think that you should drive, they are right. Hand them the keys. 7. If you can do it yourself, do not ask someone else to do it. And 8. Do not say so and so doesn't come visit. Call them and ask. Then, do not once mention your aches and pains. Do a puzzle or get some coffee.

I am with you about making the best of the changes and accepting the aging process as a normal one. To me, not all of the changes are bad or negative. I like myself better than I did when was younger. I like the way I look better than I did when I was younger. I am not saying that objectively I look better, but my attitude towards me is better. I know what I want, not that I always get it. I think I deal with adversity better - lots of practice. I am happy that my kids are self sufficient and we have adult to adult relationships. I have grandchildren!!! I don't have to work any more - not that I didn't enjoy it when I did, but now I enjoy not having to. I am content with less and enjoy little things more. I am blessed by the good things I have. I can still wear clothes well. I can still walk for miles. Pretty well anyone who is moderately healthy can improve their muscle tone and stamina. Yes, some of this takes more work, but for me, it is worth it. I deal with people and situations of various kinds better, as I am wiser than I was. I earned that wisdom by living through some tough stuff and learning from it. Old age is not a sickness in itself, though sickness can come with it, but sickness can come at any age. An attitude of gratitude makes aging much more palatable. If you look for it, there is much for which to be thankful.

:)

Dragonflower, sorry my message was cut off last night while typing it on my computer. May I add a few more notes, and little edit the notes already made.
May I first identify myself as the 'someone' you referred to in your message.
I would still thank you for willing to answer my question, and for detailing the activities that were found to be most enjoyable.
True, aging is a process, with pros and cons associated with it. The PROCESS we all go through is however NATURAL, and is itself a sign of growing up, one of irreversible CHANGE. I also find it to be also true that as we become older, we are not as capable of doing things that we had found much easier to do at an earlier age. I yet have my own doubts, and feel little comfortable with the use of 'loss' by Dragonflower. I am afraid I little partake of such a view. I'd rather use LESS, NOT LOSS: being less capacitated, to little capacitated. Loss entails absence, inability, disappearance. The vast majority of seniors, not to say all of them, while surviving, learn to ADAPT, to ACCOMODATE to change. They do not cease functioning, but they function less. They do not lose their beauty, but may become less physically attractive, though here it depends whom to, and in whose eyes. I do know several seniors, and I suppose you do, who feel and find their spouses or close relatives still beautiful, though other observers may think otherwise.
Conversely, OLD AGE HAS its MERITS, rewards, and joyful moments. Several things become enjoyable just when we age, not before. It is associated with experience gain, more self- and other- control, ability to better stand on one's feet, knowing what to do and what not to do, ability to advise (tips offered in this forum are a case in point), having more wisdom, enjoyment of family warmth, to name a few.
As we age, we might need to be fully aware of, and sensitive to BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN, perhaps MORE the BRIGHTER SIDE of it. I have lately come across a senior suffering from depression, he calls it deep, profound depression. After lending him an attentive ear, and listening to the pain ha said he went through ( divorcing 5 years ago, having his 2 daughters run away from him, and no longer keeping in touch, feeling isolated, and having very few acquaintances,...) I sympathized with him. He kept saying that he felt down, so low, losing in esteem. He said he needed psychiatric care badly, though he reported he still took medicines last prescribed by his own psychiatrist... I invited him to have a meal at mine. He did enjoy the bio meal that my wife prepared. The three of us sat down at the table, and spoke while eating. I tried to persuade him that one way of overcoming the condition he said he was suffering from was to learn to go out for a walk, and not stay indoors nearly all the time, befriend others, be more sociable, eat better, feed on more vegetables, fruit, and fish. He reported living on cheese, marmalade, coffee that he drank daily and regularly. His body was thus malnourished, and feeble.
While eating and listening to the tips my wife and I offered him, he grew better at ease, smiled to us, said sweet words, and promised to change, change for the better. Now and then, he rings me up to say that though he notes some improvement, he cannot help feeling gloomy and having hallucinations. I know that it is not easy to overcome a deeply anchored state, and state of mind. I however believe that had he had better living conditions, had he been surrounded by more people, had he willed to re-build his marital life anew, that could have helped.
You may retort by saying that this is off-track, I know. But, this is a real senior condition, with its ups and downs. What I am driving at is this: old age is DEVELOPMENTAL, an INESCAPABLE PROCESS phenomenon that ALL humans go through. Let us all live through it as serenely as we can, despite the limitations associated with it. Let us NOT FEAR becoming old, not fear death since death is natural, much like birth.

Yes I am scared to death.

Oh I forgot, they need to pack a bed roll and maybe a one person 3 weather (season) shelter half (tent). AND if I can't hold that scoot up, put a hack (sidecar) on her; maybe a 'make-shift' trike.

I've told my sons that when the 'ole-man' shows severe signs of losing it to place me on my scoot (motorcycle), pack minimal clothes, same MREs, same money -if there is any- and send me south and west. Like an old dog, that goes off to die in peace, not wanting to be a burden, nor having their pack see them pass.
I don't believe they will do it though and that is unfortunate.

I hear you, dragonflower! Up until about two months ago I could do so much for myself, despite my RA & OA. But my knees have decided not to bend anymore. What a surprise when I went to change a lightbulb in a lower soffit. Got up the one step on the stepladder very easily and changed the bulb, but was not sure I was going to be able to get down. Now I have to think before I do. Yes, loss is a BIG factor in aging; one I witnessed with my mother, but never thought I'd experience so early in my life (I'm 'only' 64). I try not to list all the things I can no longer do as it leads to a deep well of depression. However, the list of can-do's is getting rapidly shorter. If I was not a caregiver, I think my health would still be better, and I would have the time to pursue new avenues for enjoyment. But, for me right now, there is no other option, and acceptance helps a lot. I suppose that also helps in aging more gracefully - and gratefully. (Still don't ike it!)

Somebody just asked me to give examples of things I can no longer do, that I used to do, that used to MAKE ME HAPPY.

1. Climbing up on a ladder and hanging wallpaper. (Yes, I used to enjoy this.)
2. Sewing clothes for my youthful, HOT body - back when I could wear any style and it looked good on me. (Now I have to wear a tent.)
3. Walking for miles and miles at a brisk pace and not feeling wiped out from it.
4. Dancing the "chicken dance" non-stop at wedding receptions without even breaking a sweat.
5. Singing for hours on end and not getting vocally hoarse from it.
6. Not having to watch what I ate because I had a high metabolism.
7. Being able to fly around the world without lugging a BiPAP machine and a pharmacy of meds along in my carry-on bag.
8. Being able to stand on one foot like a flamingo and pull my socks on without falling over.
9. Being able to multi-task well.
10. And the #1 thing.......being able to see everything well without glasses and taking it for granted. I did not even need readers until I was almost 50.

When I talk to many other seniors, I hear the same things. They are sad because they can no longer do the things they used to be able to do in so many areas - simply due to the aging process of the physical body and mind.

Aging is often about LOSS - loss of health status, loss of abilities, loss of physical attractiveness, loss of functioning, loss of independence.

After watching my parents get old, they are 89 and 90 and miserable every minute of every hour of every day, yes I fear getting old. I want to live in a state that says assisted suicide is legal. I want a choice to leave this earth before no one can stand me. Like, leaving a party before your welcome is gone. Or staying beyond your welcome. I just turned 60 in November.

i just wish i could reach my own lumbar discs . id put torlon bearings in those suckers with grease fittings .
a PC blew up a few months ago and wiped out 15 yrs of photos for me . that made me realize the memories are all akin to living in the past . i dont miss the pics , today is what its all about , of course with an eye for tomorrow so im not blindsided by anything .
i do regret living alone for the last 15 yrs but every now and then i meet someone in a bad relationship who would gladly trade me places .
for everyone who thinks the world is a turbulent and dangerous place -- i kinda disagree . young college students in teheran roll their eyes at the fanatacism of their elders . instant communication has changed the face of everything from medicine to international diplomacy .
im pretty optomistic about the future . maybe in a while even a worn out spine can be repaired ..

Right. I get that.