My husband and I were married only 8 months before my MIL was diagnosed with gastric cancer. Only one month before that, I became pregnant with our first child. My husband has been the primary caregiver for my MIL for the entire duration of my pregnancy. My FIL had a stroke the year before and due to this he is not able to provide conscious care, rather only take directions. My in-laws have a horrible relationship with each other so get easily fustrated and angry often. I have been working full time, maintaining our household, preparing for baby and making extra meals on occasion for my FIL bc he refuses to cook healthy meals or even really cook. My husband took a leave of absence from work to care for his mother and has been living with her for the past 4 months. I have seen my husband a maximum of 20 hrs a week during this time and although I try to be accommodating by going over and spending time with him at his parents, I find it very difficult to be around his mother. She is extremely negative and insists that she doesn't need a caregiver (not a money issue) rather she wants her son, daughter, 80+ year old sister and husband to take care of her. I find her to be attention seeking and selfish which perhaps is to do with her dealing with her mortality but we had a good relationship before. She has aplogized in passing that she's sorry she takes up all my husband's time so he can't spend time with me or take care of me and baby, and made comments to my husband like she feels guilty and if it wasn't for her and her illness he could be taking care of me and baby. Frankly, I find these to be empty words said to make herself feel better bc if she actually felt guilty, she would have agreed to hire a caregiver. To give my husband more time to caregive for his mother, I moved home to my parents for support for a month. Now I'm 2 weeks away from giving birth and the plan is to stay at my parents a maximum of 2 months post birth. My husband says he plans to only caregive 3 times a week but I feel that will be impossible with a newborn. Only recently (one month from my due date) has my sister-in-law been convinced to step up and provide care for her mother twice a week. So the plan now is 3 days husband, 2 days sister-in-law, the rest a mix between FIL and my husband's aunt. I don't feel as if it's fair to put the responsibility of caregiving onto the elderly and ill but my MIL insisted.
As much as I love my husband and feel as if I've been more than accommodating, I'm getting frustrated that no one except me seems to think that a baby's parents can't be substituted for while a caregiver is interchangeable. I'm not asking that he just dump his mother, rather that he be able to be home more often to bond with the baby and visit his mother when he can. Couples therapy hasn't helped as when told that since my MIL is at the end of life while baby and I will be there for the rest of his he should start shifting focus towards his future; He has doubled down and thinks that bc she is end of life he should spend more time with her. Also didn't take kindly to being told outright that his mother is being selfish (although normal behaviour for the dying). I'm at a loss for what to do. There's no end in sight for my MIL's treatment/ any indications of outcome. Don't know how much longer I can take not having a husband (as much as I love him) and find it wildly unfair to the baby that his grandmother would willfully take his father away from him. I'm worried that the longer this goes on, the relationship between father and baby may sustain irrovacable damage. Honestly I know I can take care of baby alone. It's just not what I signed up for. Any insight anyone can give would be great.
Has your H taken unpaid leave for the past 4 months? Are your ils paying him for caregiving? If not, why not? Are you able to financially handle his loss of income (assuming he is not being paid during this time)?
Is your MIL on hospice? If not, then who has determined that she's at end of life?
You did the right thing in going to counseling, but now H has decided to ignore the advice of focusing on you and the baby.
He doesn't think his mother is being selfish?
You said money is not an issue. So MIL and FIL can afford in-home help? Does MIL make her own medical decisions? Is your H the POA/HCPOA?
You have every right to be extremely concerned.
Bottom line this isn't really a caregiving problem, it's a marital problem and all the sympathy you will receive here will do nothing to convince you husband and his family that this needs to change. You can only choose what you will do, you can't make others go along with that. I suggest that you completely withdraw from propping up this situation and focus on yourself and your child.
You are married to an immature, selfish, Mama's boy. She has cancer that's being treated; she's not on Hospice.
Read up on F.O.G--Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It's what is driving his relationship with her.
If you are paying in any way for your current housing, I would tell him that you are withdrawing all financial support from the marriage. Go home to your parents and have the baby in peace.
Give yourself 6 months to let your hormones settle, find a good therapist and decide if you want to move on.
I think your husband is being unfair. It is difficult going through pregnancy and having a baby and he needs to support you. You can't find outside help for giving birth, but you can for someone who is fighting cancer. Your MIL could need help for years, even decades so he needs to find a different solution now. His decisions are impacting you and your baby.
Find a carer for your MIL. Even 3 days could be too much and could go on for years. You also need to think of your own financial future. Children are expensive and if your husband can't help with caring for his own child or working, you will need to find other (expensive) options.
I am sure your MIL took care of her kids when they were babies and I think asking your husband to give that up for her is incredibly selfish. If she loves her son, she should not just support but encourage him to spend time with you and the baby. The only solution, find a carer regardless of MIL guilt trips.
As someone that lost both their parents and was unable to be with them or say goodbye I will say it forever changed me and not for the better. In my case it was largely out of my control due to hospital protocols. Even still I have not recovered, I am still in therapy and hopefully with time I get over it.
With that I understand you are going through a life changing event and going in it alone is far from ideal and unfair to you. Still if his mother is dying and he ends up having to make a choice he us not ready for and say he chooses to be solely by your side or even reduce hours and Godforbids something happens to his mother during that time. You run the risk or losing the original person you feel in love with. His grief will turn to guilt and it will alter the family dynamic greatly. He will most likely become a shell of his former self and in a sense your child will lose a father. Sure it is possible he will snap out of it, but it is also possible he will not. It appears he is trying to make the situation work but he is only one person. He wants to bank as much time with his mother as possible. In the end he has to live the rest of his life with the choice he made and it does appear he is doing all he can to make the situation work, I get you want your husband around far more for your baby. Which is fair but nothing about this situation is fair. This man is going through one of the happiest events is his life and saddest. Please for the sake of your child and family do not make him choose.
If this is end of life for the mother it will not be forever, but get her on hospice so the active care he has to give is reduced so while he may still be emotionally drained it could reduce on the physical strain and may be able to assist you easier when he is with you.
I think he has already chosen and that is the problem.
As far as being present when your parent dies, not everyone feels like that is the end of them and their world, never to be whole again. I really hope therapy can help you get past this, because it's not healthy to dwell on things you couldn't control or can't change.
But this guy has now been gone, caring for his mom for the duration of the pregnancy. The OP is due in 2 weeks.
He's been "gone" from the marriage for 8 months.
There is something else going on here and I can't see it ending well for the OP no matter what the DH's issue is. But he won't listen to an impartial therapist and he shows no signs of wanting to be there for his pregnant wife, the birth or the baby.
This is someone who is tied to his mother in an unhealthy way.
So, MIL is still with us after 8 months. Is she on chemo making her sick for lengths of time? (Reason why no Hospice) My sister was on chemo this long for breast cancer. I just read the survival rate is 31.5% in 5 years for gastric cancer. Is MIL considered terminal?
If terminal, then you may just have to allow your husband time with Mom. Also if terminal, Hospice can be called in. If she is in remission, then time for her to get back to life, If FIL needs 24/7 care, maybe place him in an AL so everyone can have a break and MIL can get back to caring for herself. She may be milking this for all she can get.
When my MIL went into rehab after a UTI we split time with her between my other BIL and his wife. They stayed 2 weeks and then we stayed 2 weeks overlapping our times to visit with each other, my BIL felt that he needed to be at the rehab from 9 am in to 5pm every day. My DH saw no problem with this so we did the same thing. I have never stayed with a parent all day when hospitalized or in rehab. And did my MIL play it up. To the point when I was in her room alone, MIL was at therapy, the roommate told me what a nice breakfast MIL had that morning p, sitting up and talking to her. At that point she had been acting the invalid. Maybe it was rallying because she did die a week after we left being in Rehab about a month. But Dr agreed she willed herself to die because she was not going to be able to go back to her house. See, she was a person who felt we should change our lives for her not the other way around.
Not being there and seeing the situation, it hard to give an opinion. I do think that at this point that everyone, this includes husband, need to be sympathetic to you. Husband needs to be home with you now and after the baby is born. You are now a priority.
Your husband needs to grow a back bone and very clearly tell his mother that he will no longer be available for care giving. His wife and child are his main priority from this day forward.
You will need help and support once the baby arrives. Every delivery is different and there is no way to know ahead of time how you will be doing immediately after the baby arrives. You will be exhausted looking after baby, and this is where your husband should be stepping up.
So ended the free family sleepovers. He wanted more to be at home with his own family. He stopped being the solution, so they got a night aide, whom they are now delighted with.
If hubs is getting paternity leave that’s because society recognizes that it’s dads time too to bond with the baby and support you. And if he needs to be earning instead than all his free time has to be for the baby and for you. Mil not only has family but also has money. And is not actively dying. She can take care of herself.
And say that you might not want him at the birth, because there is no offer of a relationship with him.
And that he should hire an attorney to make arrangements for "supervised" visitation after the baby is 3 mos. old., if he ever wants to see his child.
Otherwise, stop work now, and insist he come home for good, full time.
Not up for discussion.
BTW, pregnant hormones talking can be forgiven anything said, imo.
But it would help the ultimatum if you mean it.
You need to become fierce and a mama bear to raise your child, with or without your husband. Did you ever have to fight for the relationship before?