Fiancé puts elderly mother as #1 priority over everything and our relationship, it’s always been this way. Do I say something?
My fiancé is the main caregiver for his elderly mother. She’s lived in her own home, refuses to go into any kind of nursing home and refuses to have any in home care - she has fallen several times, but still refuses any help from anyone else but her son, my fiancé. He works fulltime in a very stressful & demanding job, so any free time goes to his mother. It always has, but now it’s worse because she’s 94 and needs a higher level of care and attention. I think she’s very selfish because she refuses any outside help - she’s vety manipulative and has always been able to guilt her son, my fiancé, into being her main caregiver, maintenance man, repair man, chauffeur and companion. It’s getting to the point I’m having a lot of resentment towards him and her. We can’t get anything done on our own home, it’s falling apart - let alone have time to do anything together. His siblings don’t help or live out of state. I’ve been in this relationship for 10 years now and have always felt I come 2nd. His mother has come 1st always. Her needs, her home, her wants, everything. I don’t think much will change, even after she passes. She has two properties that are hers, which he takes care of, her home and a summer home - which he refuses to sell, even after she is gone. He will most likely end up spending any free time he has, maintaining those two properties out of obligation to his parents, even with no one living there. At what point does this stop? As his future wife, isn’t our relationship supposed to come first? Our home? Our needs & dreams? My grandparents never put this kind of stuff on their kids (my parents). They were independent right to the end. My mom & dad put their marriage & family & home first. Why can’t I get my fiancé to see that he is wasting his life away - he’s not living - he just care takes of old people & old houses, & STUFF, while his siblings go on vacations, travel, spend time with family, they do nothing for their mother or the upkeep of her very old home. He does it all. I’m getting very tired of this. Saw it happen with his father, and now his mother. She fell again and is in the nursing home getting PT. Doctors are saying she’s going to need fulltime care when she goes home. Of course she’s refusing any outside help and only wants her son to help her. He’s been the one who’s had everything dumped on him. Should I say something to his siblings? Or stay out of it? I feel like someone needs to put their foot down and say enough is enough!
Ten years?
You think he's going to change? Why are you still with him? What commitment does he show to your relationship?
I hope you have your own money. I hope you don’t have children with boyfriend. Because when you leave you’ll need the money but children complicate things. Do you have a friend or family member that can help you out when you leave him. Because you sound intelligent, you have things figured out. He’ll keep those properties as shrines to his parents. They did a number on him psychologically when he was growing up. The other kids fled for their lives.
I put my mom in assisted living. She cried and asked me wasn’t she a good mother to me? Of course she was, but that broke my heart. I think she realized pretty quickly she did need more care and my dad was clueless. Things had gotten out of control with my parents and their relationship. My mom wasn’t in her right mind and my father is spoiled!
Anyway, don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t put you at least equal with his parent. And his mom sounds narcissistic. My dad is.
You have been in this relationship for ten years. Your latent MIL is 94. So your fiancé can't be less than ?55-60?
Bit of a late starter, was he, in the relationship stakes?
How long have you been engaged to be married? And, just feeling my way here, how much effort went into getting as far as the proposal?
I gave a little involuntary yelp when I got to "As his future wife..." Your faith that this will eventually come to pass has a certain pathos to it.
Look. You've invested irreplaceable time and care in this relationship. I can imagine that advice along the lines of "give up and find someone who's interested enough in you" is not going to be welcome.
But even when your fiancé's mother passes, it isn't likely to be the case that he will feel relieved of a burden and free at last to devote himself to cherishing you. If he cherished you, he would already have balanced your relationship's needs alongside those of his parents and come up with a better compromise. If his mother comes first in all things, every time, it's because that's what is important to him and those are the choices he has freely made. You're not even coming a terribly close second, are you?
How do you get on with the lady herself? Or... are you, and is the relationship, kept kind of low profile? Alternatively, how accepting have you been of her demands on her son?
Changing anything at this point, particularly as it is now that your fiancé's mother is in genuine need of help, is going to be quite some task. Only you know if it's worth it.
It is so common to hear elders refusing to have caregivers come in as they are trying to latch on to as much independence as they can, my own Mom was the same way, plus she wouldn't hear of even visiting an Independent Living facility to see how nice they are. When my Mom passed, I wished the cause of death on the death certificate would have said "died from stubbornness". Thankfully my Dad was more than ready to sell the house and use the equity to live in senior living. Which he enjoyed so much being around people of his own generation. As he would say "more new ears to hear his stories" :)
There are things your finance can do, as mentioned above, to help himself by hiring out and having Mom pay for those costs. Sounds like dust is collecting on her wallet, so your fiance is caught between a rock and a hard place.
And let's not forget, we will be older some day and find ourselves making demands on our own children [if we have any].
"Good bye."
So now that you have already invested 10 years of your life with him, put up with his mother and the resentment for that long, and lived with him in the same house, I would advise you to bear and grin and do your best to get along.
You didn't have any other complaints about the bf except his caregiving, so I suppose he's a decent guy in other respects, and loves you enough to share 10 years of his life with you. You're no spring chicken, so walking away from a long term good enough relationship (except the caregiving which shows that he is a good son and a decent man) and starting over is not a very good option.
In most state, in the eye of the law, after living with him for so many years, you have the same rights as a wife. If you live in one of those states, whatever your bf inherits after his mother passes, you get to share that with him. Some people might think it's greed, but I am thinking practicality and reality. Unless you have enough money to support yourself in your old age and don't need him to support you, then feel free to walk away.
After his mother dies, the caregiving will stop. Things will improve. Just hang in there.
She doesn't need to stay in a lousy relationship because you think she's old and probably wont get anyone else.....I think she's 52ish, like me, and I still have NO problem turning heads. Come on now, women do not NEED a man to complete them nor validate them....And regardless of age, no women should have to SETTLE for less!.…Sheesh!
If the OP wanted to leave, she would have already, long time ago. I also believe that men and women need each other to have a better life.
You never asked if you should leave him. You asked how to go about approaching the unbalance.
So here's exactly what I would do. Sit him down, sit next to him, not in front of him. Explain the main problem, not all your feelings. How much you love him, how patient you've been, etc... but get right to the meat and potatoes. Men want to hear the problem and find a solution. Not all the mush around it.
Do not call his Mom names, nor put her down. He will stop hearing you from that point on.
(Your mom's personality doesn't agree with home help, but we need it)
Do not tell him more then the point you want to make. Too much explaining and expanding also causes them to tune us out.
I would end with...." I feel so alone and lost in this, I even, anonymously,went to some random web site, for advice." "But I need to know if YOU ARE WILLING to make changes to work this out with me?"
Best of luck, plz let us know how it works out.
You're such a romantic 🌷. I do agree we're happier with someone to share our lives with.😙
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Fiancé puts elderly mother as #1 priority over everything and our relationship, it’s always been this way. Do I say something?
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No, you don't say a thing. You put up with the same BS that you have for the last 10 years. This would be in line with your poor self esteem and feelings of unworthyness.
You know you are maybe 3rd best to him, if that. Like you said, after his mother dies, your fiancé will be spending his free time tending to the other properties. So you'll never be first. How does that make you feel?
If you're ok with that-great. If not, then woman up, get a stiff backbone and walk away.
You have allowed this behavior for 10 years. Don't expect HIM to change. And his mommy ain't changin' nothin'!
May I ask how long you have been engaged? And why you've never gotten married in 10 years time?
I think you know why. You HAVE listened to that small voice inside that says "something's" not right.
"At what point does this stop?"
Never. It will be this way forever IF you decide to stay with him. So, until you decide to get some therapeutic help for your "issues", nothing will change.
Sorry to say, he has shown you by his actions, that your relationship will NEVER come first.
Your future MIL isn't going to last long but the care she will need will only increase, until she finally dies. EXPECT him to spend even MORE time with her as her health decreases.
When I couldn't take my first marriage anymore (husband chronically depressed-in bed 18 hours a day), I went to a post menopausal therapist (that was important to me 'cause I wanted her to understand "where" I was. I was 50 and had been married 30 years.)
She told me to look back on the last 30 years...ok, now look ahead to the next 30 years. Did I want to spend the next 30 like the last 30?
Out of my mouth flew, "Hell no!" before I knew it.
That's where I think you are. Do you want 10 more years of this? You know the answer.
Yeah, it's hard dissolving a house, dividing your stuff, etc. but only you know if your freedom will give you more happiness than your current relationship. In my case, it did.
You think I wanted to start all over again at 50? But it was worth getting my life back.
Only you can decide if it's worth it to you. I believe you deserve much more.
Good luck.
I've seen too many fellows [and some women] standing around with their hands in their pockets not knowing what to do, and they tend to "hide". My sig other was glued to sports when I needed him the most. That was a very bumpy road in my life. Oh, to have someone who can just look and know immediately what to do.
People who are emotionally married to a parent do not make healthy spouses.