Feeling totally trapped in caring for Mom has made my panic and anxiety begin again. How do I stop it?

1. Pay the money to find helpers. Maybe medicaid can help? Mom found a company here called Bayada and she pays very little for companionship, house chores and personal help. If you have to pay to get helpers, start with one day a week and take OFF.
2. Do something for yourself every day: but don't indulge in bad food which could feed your physical problems.
3. The concept of carving out a place for yourself and having boundaries saved me from my own panic attacks. Make a place in your home, closed in, screened in, with plants, music, candles, whatever you need to have your very own sanctuary and let it be known its all YOURS. No one else allowed. It states boundary, it affirms the need for you to exist without anyone else, it is safe and reminds you to be in it. from that place, you can begin to build your peace, creativity, strength.

I used a corner of my bedroom: a few plants, photos of saints, candles, incense, music or silence. MY Chair, my space, my place for ahhhhhh.

Don't let your family bully you into anything. I'd threaten to leave the whole situation if after setting boundaries, seeing a counselor, and getting respite doesn't work for you.

I hope this helps. The mind set is very important. I don't get those panic attacks anymore. But I do cry when the tension builds up. Cry, pray, and act positively.
I am sure you'll find other ideas from this wonderful forum.

I have a friend named Nan whose mother lived in her own house until just a few months ago when the lady had a major stroke. Her name is MJ. MJ had a caregiver who lived on the property, didn't pay rent, lived in a separate building. He cooked for MJ every morning, kept her a little company in the morning, helped her with personal bathing, dressing and things like that. He also mowed the loan and fixed things around the house. Instead of rent he did all this and no paperwork was ever created. Now the elderly woman had to move into a home far away, and the house and property is for sale and guess what? Can't get rid of the man on the property! Any ideas?

Hello Holycow I totally understand what you are going through believe me! Stay strong take breaks, hire someone for two hours three times a week, listen to music that makes you feel good. get your hair done, see your doctor if need be, take naps, eat well, take vitamins from health food store only, take long walks. I have anxiety also and know want you are going through be strong don't let other sibling effect you but check into what they are doing if it concerns your Mother's money. Keep in-touch with me if you like.

Also, try Rescue Remedy, a Bach Flower preparation you can get at the health store. Wow, really helps and does not interfere with your meds.

Contact your local Office/Dept. of Aging; they will provide helpful advice on available caretaking services. Also ask at your local church, they are often affiliated with such a service. We have found the average cost for an in-home caregiver is about $15/hour. If Mom has any money it should be going for HER care; your sister should not be touching it - how can she, if you have the POA? If your sister is circumventing you and getting access to Mom's money, change Mom's bank account number, get your name added on the account, and keep the info secret from your sister. Once you find a caregiving service, make sure you free yourself at least twice a week; more if you/Mom can afford it. You deserve time away - in fact you NEED time away in order to maintain your own sanity. This is normal!

HolyCow I am right there with you but my exasperation comes from a few different directions, all arrow-pointed at ME and me alone.
I have almost the opposite problem with my mom in that she wants to go out ALL the time. She wants to be driving, be entertained, shop in all the stores, eat out, She wants me to take her every single day. As a result, I can't manage well anymore when I'm home as there is housework to be done, dinner for 5 to be made every night (by me)... laundry to be washed dried and folded and put away (me again tho once in awhile I will get help from my bf)... But as far as support? I have none.
It's my own fault I feel. I raised a lazy son who feels work is above him and doesn't get the concept of pitching in. I know he won't survive on his own because I never made him self-sufficient. My bf can't stand him, (or can't stand the way my son is, and my son is almost 18 now)... one example is I folded his clothes last night after picking them up off the floor and delivered them to his closed bedroom door all clean and folded neatly. He opened the door when I knocked, grabbed them, threw the pile on the floor, said thanks, and closed the door.
Then my bf comes in, there is no support or understanding there and I guess I can't blame him, but sometimes I just need a hug and it's a sign of weakness if I cry to him like I am behaving like a child.
My daughter is spoiled and talks back at 13, but at least I can say she will pitch in and help a little.
I am the backbone of this house and recently I am having awful anxiety attacks related to the insecurity in my relationship and being told my partner is unhappy with me, when all I try to do is the right thing and be everything for everyone.
I love my son and I don't do tough love well.
I know I should do things differently but I know it will be met with a resistance tornado and I'm afraid I will just shrivel up and die because I can't take anymore on my shoulders.

I don't like what you said about your sister and i think she is feeling like she's the workhorse and is jealous that you sit home all day.
That's crap. Too bad you can't trade places with her for a month or two. She would never feel jealous again.
I understand and get it.
DO NOT ask permission to go out anymore. You are entitled to a life, to time for you! If she doesn't like it, put it in her lap and say sorry would you rather I have a day off once a week or would you rather see me having a nervous breakdown, where I will be zero help to you?? Then what ? That is what I would say to her.

HolyCow,

If your sister is living there too can you give her a few days notice and tell her that you will be leaving for X amount of time? Don't ASK her. TELL her. You have to get out of that house.

When you had anxiety and panic attacks years ago what helped? You said you had them years ago so I'm wondering what stopped them.

Your sister sounds like a bully. Like someone else said, set boundaries. Not just in caregiving but with your sister too. But once you set them be prepared to carry them out. Good luck to you.

bottom line, i had a massive anxiety attack yesterday while driving complete with heart palpitations and lightheaded feeling. I understand! I may not have the answers but there is one thing I do know:
something's gotta give.

Nikki99, you need to learn how to say no. Mom wants to go out and it is not convenient for you, say 'no, today's not a good day,' and walk away. The entire household is using you as a doormat, walking all over you. You are not doing your son any favors by kowtowing to him. Leave his clean clothes in the laundry room and tell him to go get them. If he doesn't, do NOT take them to him. Do not clean his room for him. He will NEVER do it as long as you are willing to do it for him. I know, I raised 3 sons. If he wants to live in a pigsty room, let him; just close the door and walk away. Eventually he will gross himself out. You cannot be everything for everyone, so stop trying. Stand up for yourself while you still can! You will feel better about yourself, your daughter and your BF will be proud of you, and your son will learn how to take care of himself. You go, girl!

Given the severe distress you are suffering, it may be time to ask yourself if you really want the current circumstances to continue.

You seem to be so intensely locked in conflict with these people that simply letting go and walking away doesn't appear to be an option to you. Perhaps this is something you might discuss with the therapist?

Do you have somewhere else you could go, some safer place from which to start a new life? Are you willing to admit you were wrong to take this on? (This is a tough one.) Can you possibly endure it for other family members to appear to *win* this fight?

Hopefully you aren't waiting/hoping/trusting that the others will change. From what you say, apparently THIS IS IT.

You're in a tough situation. But while they are not going to change, YOU can. And you should in order to get yourself into a more supportive environment. Living with toxic people is harmful not only to our mental health, but also physically. Remember that you are the only one in this mix that you have the power to control.

Good luck and God bless.

4th daughter thank you i am going to implement your suggestion of the laundry the next time I wash anything for him!

I understand it is hard for you to network but try as best you can. Call the Senior Citizen Agency in your area. They will send someone out to assess the situation and try to pair your mom with someone they think she will like. (might cost $18 to$25/hr). BUT, through this organization you will start to meet people who know people... I had not been out in over a year, went to a party and met 2 young girls going to school to be nurses. I have had them sit with mom for $10/hr. I started calling people I knew and asked if they knew anyone that would sit for a few hrs. Also, just because "they" liked the person, I could tell by my phone conversations I would not. I have found retired nurses that will sit for $20. Also how about join a church. Hell yes! You can get alot of support from this type of enviroment, might even find people that just want "something to do" and be willing to help. Good Luck! I can tell you are a Strong person, you just need a little help.

HolyCow, I'd tell your older sister to shove it. You're a grown woman and don't need anyone's permission to leave the house. Does she not know or care what is going on with your health? How did you get rid of the anxiety before? I used to have panic attacks too. They got really bad after my dad died. I noticed that caffeine made them worse. I had to cut caffeine out for a long time. I still limit my intake now. If your mom can afford it, hire a caregiver. On the weekends, your sister can darn well look after mom while you get out for a while.

Nikki99, I'd quit doing your son's laundry altogether. He's 18 years old, he's an adult. My stepson was doing his own laundry long before that. I rarely put his laundry up for him when I did do his laundry for him. He chose to let it sit or he chose to put it up. His laundry, his problem. He learned to do for himself. He actually decided on his own long before he turned 18 that he wanted to do his own laundry. My daughter and other son will learn as well when they're older. If you keep enabling him now, you'll be doing it the rest of your life. I learned by observing my MIL enable some family members. She did them no favors by constantly bailing them out of trouble. Maybe if she'd let them fall on their faces once in a while they would've learned from that.

I feel for you, the thing that is killing me it's the fact that I was completely independent when my mother first came yo live with me. Now I haven't seen the mall since lady year. Granted I work full time but privacy or free time I have none, I used to read, walk everyday after work. I feel trapped too, my mother is not interested in going out or interacting with us at all, it's all about her. I also believe sometimes even professionals seem yo miss the point of how important it is to just be able to have breathing room. My family and my son do not understand that part either. Everyone tells me I am the one who doesn't know how to deal with it, maybe but up to now except for me no one has been there for her. Don't let your sister bully you. Take an hour or two each week, get your nails done at least. If you have outside space read, grow plants, any little steps to help you on your way to getting some space in your life. God bless.

Unless you have lived this no one gets it! Mu mom has COPD, anxiety disorder, dementia and know no boundaries at all EXCEPT when it comes to HERSELF! I was told by her Drs to force her to call others to take her to app etc Do I feel guilty as I am retired and live with her? You betcha but I needed my sanity back after ten years/ the last five being the worst with her as now life is all about her in her eyes! My husband and I are just here to take care of her needs PERIOD!

Nikki, I agree with MamaBug, and would even go one step further. Your 13 year old daughter should be doing her own laundry, too. Take 15 minutes and show both children how to sort laundry and operate the machines. This is usually easier for boys because their wardrobe is mostly t-shirts and jeans. My own children were doing their own laundry by this time, and it actually shamed my husband into learning to do his! His mother had enabled him to the point of picking his dirty clothes off his floor and washing them, even when he was in college! Tell your children that you will not always be there to do things for them and you are helping them to become capable, independent adults. They may resist, but when they run out of clean clothes and have something important going on, stand your ground. Children who help out at home have higher self-esteem and learn time management skills that help them in life.

When the weekend comes. Just get up and leave always have a little bag packed wwith a good book some snacks and water. Head out to the park. Do not let these people run over you. That is why they do it. Because you allow it .i am so sorry you are going through this . But stand your ground. She is their mom ,too.maybe you need to remind them if that.

I have been on an anti-depressant most of my adult life after having dealt with generalized anxiety disorder for years. You may need to go on a low dose anti depressant while you are going through all the family drama. Think about seeing the doctor for that. Also contact your local office of aging and see if they offer respite care, here it is based on income. Hang in there, you will get through it all.

nikki -wash clothes for an 18 yr old??? Mine were washing their own quite early in life, as well as learning to cook and clean. I washed the bedding, but they did their own clothes. Let him wash his own clothes.

Holy Cow - what does your therapist suggest? I do think you have to do more for you. Does your mum have some money to pay for extra help - even high school kids as suggested to give you a break? Otherwise it may be time for placement.

I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed. I don't think there is anyway you can "force" your sis to do more, so I would plan apart from her. I think I would ignore her and her bad behaviour. is it fair? No, of course not, but you can only change you, not someone else. ((((((hugs)))))

You guys gave great advice to both me and to HolyCow.
It is so hard, when you have your firstborn and you think omg they are the second coming of Christ! Then, by doing everything for them they become entitled, and they turn into the AntiChrist!
Just because I will always love my son unconditionally, doesn't mean other people will.
The best thing I can do now is DELEGATE chores and teach SELF SUFFICIENCY! Please keep this board alive for both me and HolyCow, because as far as her sister, I think she needs more rah-rah support, and God knows I do as well.

Omg I hear you, I didnt go out a weekend for 3 1/2 years, no lie! I finally smartened up and hired a weekend person, they call in sick a lot and I have gone through 2 of them, but you have to. I have gone out 3 times this Winter, I do not mind but I am interviewing now for weekend help for as soon as the good weather starts. #1 go on Zoloft and #2 go on website Care for help !
Good Luck, they both work fantastic!

Over helping capable people is something women and caregivers have done since the dawn of time. To us, it is an expression of love through service, but is driven by self esteem issues and poor boundaries. It is not too late to correct your children and your boyfriend. Make them be responsible for the things they truly can and should learn to do for themselves. In real life, they will be expected to manage their own affairs. Do them a favor by stopping enabling behavior NOW. Find a counselor who can help you develop your own boundaries so that YOU can be healthy and whole...reclaim your self respect and make your own choices. Others in your life will be angry at first, but that is their issue. Be assertive. Once they see you are serious and consistent, your relationships will change...anyone who leaves needs to leave, I.e. The boyfriend and grown son/sloth. Take your life back!

Holy Cow - I find that anxiety is normal when we are facing a decision that we know is needed, but are afraid to face it. And as a long term caregiver, and even someone who grew up isolated from peers, I know that it is confusing and also difficult to build a pleasant life for oneself, especially when not in a situation where others are doing the same, so you end up alone with the need to explore and experiment. A therapist told me once, make this your year to explore options - I liked this a lot, for it helped me realize it's not a one-time, simple solution. We only have a certain amount of energy, less as we age. So, you might take a while and write down your best energy - what I'm getting at, is instead of telling your sister in broad terms that you deserve to get out - take time to think of a workable plan for you, and tell her you will leave every Sunday at 11 and be back at 5 pm (for instance). If that time frame works, you could go out for brunch, maybe a movie or museum or afternoon concert - some place where you can manage your energy out of the house, so you can feel relaxed and enjoy your day. And maybe have a back up plan for a book to read at home on days that you don't feel up to going out - but let your sister know that those hours are yours, and wish her good luck and thank her for her understanding and support and run out the door!

I am only caregiver of mom withalzheimers. I use her check to pay for day care 3 times a week and take her to Alzheimer's timeout 3 days a week and every wendesday. She stays home and I pay neighbor for 3 hours to play scrabble wither. It takes her whole check but helps me keep my sanity and helps her also getting out and seeing other people. She did not want to go at. First but now likes it.you have to take care of yourself to take care of her.

Nikki99: Your story breaks my heart and I do not know how you keep going either!

I have a daughter that is 22 and she is a good kid, but all this stuff with Mom and the dementia has taken a terrible toll on her. She was an Honors Student when she entered college and by her 3rd year she was failing half her classes. She was also contemplating suicide, which I had absolutely NO IDEA of! I was absolutely out of my mind when I found out what was happening. She could not deal with my mother's behaviors and had no money to move anywhere else so she saw her only way out as suicide.

I was at that same exact spot in September of 2013 because I could no longer handle Mom's behavior, being locked up in this house for 8 years and I was at a point of having to decide to put her into a home, which I had always promised her and my Dad that I would never do. She was just going nuts on us and not sleeping at nights, flipping on lights, feeding the dog 15 times a day, yelling, telling me to pack my stuff and get my a-- out! It was horrible.

Mom had gall stones and we put her into the hospital, who tried every medication they could find to stop the "sundowning" but it sent her into a head spin of hallucinations and delusions. He doctor told me to put her into a NH. I did not listen and brought her home, found a Gerontologist and put her on Remeron and Celexa and she was fine for 2 months, then began getting headaches. He removed her from the Celexa but the headaches continued. Then took the Remeron and they continued. She has been off everything for about 3 weeks now, no headaches, and has become fairly quiet during the day IF everything is kept quiet, the sun is shinning and she can sit on the patio, you play Dean Martin or Frank Sinatra music and you agree with pretty much anything she says (no correcting her about anything). Come about 4-5 pm she begins getting a bit agitated so you really have to play down everything. As dinner begins, she does not want to eat or takes 5 bites and says she is full, then she becomes confused about her 3 eye drops and taking her medications....she swears she has already taken them when she hasn't as they are kept locked up. Thus an uproar begins.

We have a small dog that was my fathers and the rest of the evening is spent with Mom trying to feed and re-feed and re-feed the dog over and over when I have already fed her dinner. So we have to keep trying to get her to stop, which means I have to go to my bedroom so the dog will go under my bed and get away from Mom. Mom stills hits my bedroom door 15 times before I go to sleep to check on the dog! It becomes maddening because I am either on the computer or trying to watch TV and Mom is talking out loud so you cannot hear the TV or think to even write on the computer.

I have 2 sisters who both work, one lives here in the house with us. The other lives about 35 minutes away, she works 12 hour days to keep her house and take care of her kids as her husband died at 47 from Myotonic Dystrophy, just 5 years ago.

The in house sister has never gotten over the fact that I was born and swears to "hate me until the day I die." I found this out at the age of 28, prior to that my parents just told me to ignore her, or pray for her, but they never did anything to try to put a stop to it. They thought it was simple sibling rivalry not someone who had or was mentally ill or having a mental issue. Due to this I have gone through hell my entire 60 years of life at the hands of this person.

I took POA from my mother about 3 years ago because telemarketers were calling her constantly and I caught her giving money to a man one day at the front door and signing a form allowing them to withdrawn money from her bank account monthly. Younger sister was in agreement of me taking it but older sister was adamantly opposed as it would stop her from using Mom's money to pay her bills. She has not been able to take any funds since I took over. What she has done however, was to fail to pay her share of the household expenses for over two years, so I had a document written up that states if anyone borrows or takes money from the estate, they either pay it back immediately or it is removed from their share of the inheritance....she began paying again but refuses to make up the $8,000 that she owes the estate. This is the sister who told me I would have to ask permission to leave the house on the weekends!

She has filed a FALSE report against me to Adult Protective Services saying I beat her up, which NEVER HAPPENED. My 16 year old niece was here and saw that I did nothing and was my witness to the fact. There are NUMEROUS other instances just like this. She wants to cause me to fail, that would make her VERY HAPPY!!!

I have gone out on a Saturday or Sunday and when I have come home sister is angry and upset and is giving me minute by minute details on what H*** she has gone through all day with Mom. One day I ran to the grocery store for 1 hour and when I got home sister was telling me what H*** she had gone through all day and how horrible Mom was and yelling and screaming. I stopped her and said, "Really? All day long?" She said "Yes, all day long!" I said, "Gee that is funny because I only left here 1 hour ago. You have been with her for a grand total of 1 hour and 5 minutes, NOT ALL DAY LONG!" Older sister is unable to take care of Mom nor does she really want to as she is short tempered and argues with Mom over some of the smallest issues.

Well Mom just successfully spilled a full bowl of water all over my bedroom carpet! Now because I told her no more water in the bedroom she is standing at the foot of my bed yelling at me as I type. I have asked her repeatedly to please leave my bedroom and she is screaming at me to get my stuff and get out because this house belongs to her!

Is it any wonder I am having severe panic and anxiety attacks.....my body is shaking like a leaf and my heart racing and chest is hurting.

I have no other place to go, I am on disability and trying to care for two of us on $1,300 a month. Apartments here cost more than that, I could not even pay for food or utilities if I just gave up and walked out. I could not go alone either as my daughter would need to leave as well.

I am living in h*** half the time and the other half I am walking on egg shells. I have got to hire someone to come and stay with Mom so I can leave here every once in a while or I am going to find myself in the hospital or a mental facility.

I never did get rid of the panic and anxiety for those of you who asked. It has come and gone for the past 25 years. It began when I was pregnant at about 12 weeks, no doctor realized it was probably hormones but instead told me I just did not want to have a child so my only way out was an abortion. I was out of my head and I listened to them and have regretted it every day.

I honestly thought that we would be lucky to keep my Mom alive for just 3 years after my father died. I never dreamed 8 years later I would still be living this ever worsening journey with no help in sight.

Nikki99: I love what you said about first kids and equating them to the second coming of Christ and then they turn into the Anti-Christ! I made me laugh but I know where you are coming from.

I only had one child and I too love her like no tomorrow (she was our Golden Child) but my "love" and now my fear of the "suicide scare" has made me do too much for her and as we all know that is no any good because it does not let them learn HOW TO CARE FOR THEMSELVES! When you have kids they do not come with instruction manuals and we do not realize the mistakes we have make until we are living the nightmares.

I too do my daughters laundry, under the guise of "saving water by only washing full loads!" I kind of go on strike every once in a while and leave them but will then begin washing them again. I do have to say that my mother yells at me that I need to get into her bedroom and clean it up for her and I flat out refuse, telling her that she is 22 and she can and must clean it herself. Mom does not remember that we had to clean our own rooms our entire lives with no help from her, do our own laundry and ironing weekly as well as household chores. For some reason she does not see that my daughter needs to do the same.

Thank you for the chuckle as I sitting here waiting for Mom to finally go to bed and let me have a few minutes peace. And thank you for that this board be kept alive as we both greatly need support in this area as I am sure others do!

Well, I heard some great true wisdom on this board in the past couple of days.
BOUNDARIES
SELF ESTEEM
DOORMAT
and my favorite word....? DELEGATE!!!
I have a lot of work to do. It's hard to change, and even harder for others to change when (in their minds) the change doesn't benefit THEM.
But I have been under the weather this week. It has been a bad week for me physically. Panic attacks, a tender ovary??? No idea what that is, and no, I do not want to go to the doctor and get probed... that will send me over the edge this week, I think!
I am going to take cipro which I found in the med cabinet and last night I made my 18 year old COOK dinner (while I basically stood there and told him what to do) but damn it, it's a start.
A very late, overdue START.
And he did it. Not happy, not "pitching in for ma" smiling, but he did it.
And he will do it again.
I can feel things unraveling. I am getting lightheaded and dizzy lately. I tried to pick up a 53" THICK glass top (for a dining room table) alone last week, and since then I don't feel so hot. It's not a hernia because there is no bulge. But the glass was over 100 lbs and I couldn't move it. After that I tried to move an 80 lb giraffe statue. (don't ask)
Anyhow, I'm done. over it, screw the world, I am at the breaking point with the anxiety levels.
Every single important person in my tight little world is about THEMSELVES and I am sick of it. Every one! Mom, the kids, everyone. And I am about them too! So where does that leave me???
I need a vacation. I have mentioned this over and over to no avail. Nobody is showing up with a surprise for me, you know what I'm saying?
So from here on out, I will not complain to my partner. At all. I will tolerate mom because she is 91 and I want to remember our last few years together with me being loving to the woman who always loved me.
Since I got hurt, she is the one asking me "are you ok" "how do you feel"....
That counts for something.
This week I am going to make my son do a load of laundry.

Way to go, Nikki! SuperMom has left the building; it's reality check time, kiddies!

80 pound giraffe statue...and we can't ask? That sounds like the coolest thing ever. You must have a fantastic house. I want an 80 pound giraffe statue!!

Angel

Nikki, many years ago when me two older children were toddlers (I have a bonus child 9 years younger), a very wise person told me that the goal of a good parent is to make themselves unneeded. I have used that as my philosophy of parenting ever since. My youngest child used it as a quote on a college term paper about functional families and scored a very positive comment from her professor. Although it is true that it is faster to do things yourself than it is to teach your children how to do something, it is not in their best interest. I also had to remember that it didn't matter if the towels were folded unevenly and stacked haphazardly because they would be just fine for the next use. The dishwasher didn't need to be loaded my way as long as it got loaded. Cooking and baking were messy jobs for a grade-schooler, but provided an opportunity to learn about clean-up. Food that didn't look quite perfect was still edible. It is hard for those of us with "type A" personalities to let go of the need to re-do, correct and take over, but try to take a deep breath and look the other way while your children practice some necessary life skills. Sounds like your son is off to a good start.