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My mother was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She would be undergoing chemo and rad then surgery. I lived in another state...foreclosed on my house, and left my dream job. Now I am living in the basement and running her errands and doing any chores she is too tired to do. I feel as though I sacrificed my entire life and person that I am to help her.

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you made a difficult decision, gave up a job and your house to be there for your mom. but, in my opinion, you made the right decision. some day you'll get another job and be able to buy another house, but you have only one mom. I don't know you, but i'm proud of you.
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ssk - that was beatiful ! yes you only have one mom , amen to that ,,
pa always said theres reason for everything ...
go with the flow and be with ur mom .
xoxo
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You did the right thing. Now what can you do to make it less burdensome for you?

How old is Mom? Is she of sound mind? What is the prognosis -- is she likely to gradually return to her former level of strength and energy? Or is this the beginning of a downward progression? If you don't have Mom's authorization to talk to her medical providers, get that. Get as clear a picture of you can about what you are facing.

How much time are you willing to devote to this? It might help your outlook to set some limits. Let us say you are willing to live with her for a year. (Just an example. You decide.) What alternatives will have to be in place before you can feel good about leaving? If all she needs is errand and chore service, that should be fairly easy to arrange. If her abilities decline and she needs more and more care, what is available to provide that? Look at ways to keep her in her home, such as meals on wheels, a weekly nurse visit, a cleaning service, maybe hired caregivers, maybe adult day health services. Also look at placement options, Assisted Living and Nursing Homes.A few months before your committment is up, evaluate the situation again and put your alternative plans in motion.

Is it reasonable to expect to find a job in your field in the area where Mom lives? Would you consider relocating so that even after you move out of her house you can visit her often, and supervise her care?

Now, while you are with Mom, what can you do for yourself? It doesn't sound like she needs 24/7 care right now. Can you find a class to take nearby to add to your marketable skills for when you go back in job market? Can you join a local yoga class or take power walks through the nature preserve? You have other responsibilities now, but you can have a life (or you won't survive).

For the time you are living in Mom's house, is the basement a plesant environment? If it needs some fixing up, can Mom afford to have it done? Are there other living arrangements that you'd like better?

You only have one mother, and there is only one you. You need to take care of both unique individuals now. Do help Mom. Don't lose you in the process.

Keep us informed on how this is going for you.
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Hi Monkey,
You put your own life on hold to help your Mom, yes. If you are putting this out to others for justification or approval, you will get many different opinions. Other people's opinions about your situation are usually based on their own experience, or perception of how they feel about caring for their own Mother or other person.
You could have a wonderful mother who was there for you and your family growing up, or you could have an abusive, selfish mother who no one else will bother with now because she alienated everyone except for you. Are you the classic caregiver daughter who was molded for the job, or who won it by default, or who is extremely devoted and appreciative to your Mother for all she has done for you, and this is the least you can do for a short time of your life?
Only YOU know the answer. Only God knows how long your Mother will survive. Pancreatic cancer is painful, and perhaps the prognosis for her life is not known.
Think about the commitment you are making. Some people do not have a choice, some do not think they have a choice, and others refuse to acknowledge a choice. Whatever you decide to do, your intentions to help your Mother in a time of great need is honorable. It brings security and comfort to your Mother. If you are going to do this job, then do it with foresight for your own future and start working on your plans for that; don't spend this crucial time with a grudge toward "what you have given up." It's a victim mentality, and one must be a "victor" to do this job. Your Mother will sense your resentment if you do not work this out in your mind, and that will not be healing or comforting to her. Good Luck processing your decision, and all the Best to your Mother as she undergoes her trials. God Bless You both.
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My best to you and your Mother both! I moved back in to my parents home to take care of them. So, I can definitely relate on that part. Having said that, we have only one Mom and we want to make sure they are well taken care of. I sometimes feel like I'm sacrificing my life, but then I look at her and see how helpless she is. I am glad I made the decision to take care of her. Everyone is different though and that's ok. Maybe you can get someone to come in and stay with her a couple days a week so that you have time for yourself. We need that!!!! Good luck and hugs:-)
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I don't know how you get over the feeling that you sacrificed your life and well being for her. It sounds like, largely, you did that. I think there is some good advice is posts above. I do believe that a balance of looking after yourself and your mum is necessary. Please look after you. Giving up your job and then caretaking are both very stressful.

((((((hugs))))

Joan
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Dear Monkey,
I, too, moved in with my mother before she passed away of cancer. I did all the things you are doing, and it was difficult. I fely guilty if I felt frustration, became exhausted and felt all kinds of emotions.
I, found that talking about with a close friend helped ( it is completely normal to feel resentment about giving up your dream life); writing about it and listening to music, what ever you enjoy to relax.
It is a difficult process, esp., the chemo.....I found that palliative care and then hospice helped. It is different for everyone.
Your mom must be feeling a whirlwind of things.....you are her daughter and are doing wonderful things for her.
Good luck and my prayers go out to you.
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I had a choice too - I could abandon a young adult daughter and uproot a senior in high school and move to live near my mom, so I would be there when she was ready to accept help, which would probably have permanently taken me out of academic medicine and pretty well end a career I'd devoted 24 years to, and put a colleague left behind in a very bad situation as well. OR I could do what I did, which was provide long distance caregiving as best I could with her in an ALF and frequent travel and constant phone calls, until I was able to persuade her to move to live near me. I'll never know whether things would have been better if I had uprooted instead. I can sure see where you are having second thoughts if you made the right decision or not - after all, being relegated to the basement and doing errands isn't much of a life; with pancreatic CA, Mom is probably not having a lot of energy to "make memories" and have good times that would make it easier to know you had chosen well and it was all wortwhile. If it helps any, this way, you have the best chance possible of being there for her when she passes on. I missed that by about 12 hours with my dad, though there were people who cared about him around and we'd said all the important stuff well in advance. But Mom has indicated that will be important to her and I am glad she is here now for that reason. My aformentioned colleague had to make a similar decision she brought her sister here from out of state and did home hospice for her, rather than leaving me behind and moving away. . It comforts both of us to focus and the quality time and relationships we were able to have, and yet, I suspect we will have lingering regrets and what ifs in our head for a long time to come. Look - you made what you thought was the right decision - it may not be any use to keep looking back and regretting, though if you are like me, you can't really help it...maybe trying to focus on making it better (like moving yourself upstairs, maybe?) and on engineering any pleasant experiences you can share... For us, we still holding out a little hope we can get Mom out to the zoo to see the penguins here, share a couple more pizzas, and get someone to cook her an actual medium rare steak she can eat a few bites of.
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Your reward is knowing she is being cared for. I lost my dad last year, made the same choice you have . GOD BLESS YOUR HEART. If I could buy the time back I would . Cherished each moment as if it was going to be the last . For me it was an HONOR to be there for him in his time of need. ^_^ still makes me get a little misty eyed, you have and other like you have made the best choice. KUDO's to you!!! your awesome!
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I cannot begin to thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. I have been very down lately. She went thru chemo and rad and yesterday they attempted the Whipple procedure but were unable to remove the tumor. So..now instead of focusing on MY silly self I am on a mission to get her a second opinion
And hopefully a surgeon that will take on her case. I miss my "life" but I think I'd regret missing her life and this time more. Again thank you all for helping me you all lifted my spirits!!
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Very cool, Monkey! Please let us know how Mom is doing, and how YOU are doing with everything.
Obviously, WE CARE.
Big Hugs, Christina
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Always do the right thing even when it's hard. I can go to sleep at night with a clear conscience.
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Monkey, you get over it by choosing to live a more balanced life like valuing yourself as of equal value as your mother by getting out of the basement; finding some relief to help with the care of your mother. Those years are gone. Dwelling on that will only depress you more. People with pancreatic cancer don't usually live very long after the diagnosis. Frankly, at some point she is going to die and you need to be getting your life in some degree of balance because most likely the averages are you will out live her. Some of the most misserable people I've ever met were two old sisters who did everything their parents told them to do; took care of their parents in their old age by still liviing at home; look forward to being left the family home and the farm plus most of the estate compared to their siblings, but found old age to be miserable when they looked at the lives of their sibliings. To live in a comparitive mode of what could have been or what others have is a dead end street to nowhere. You could have made other choices which might not have meant your life would be absolutely better, but it would have been different. I hope you can find your way out of the basement of your life! :)
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Hi Monkey, I sure can relate.

My Mom was the caregiver for my Dad who had been in failing health with increasing dementa for several years. Then, last May, she was diagnosised with terminal Bile Duct Cancer...
I live 2000 miles away. I flew back and forth every two weeks through the chemo and multiple hospital stays and surgerys, until she died. I had to do everything in regards to finding help, filing insurance claims, ultimately writing her obit and dealing with the mortuary, her estate, attorneys, and on and on.
Now I am taking care of my Father from 2000 miles away, traveling back and forth, hiring help, meeting with doctors and attorneys, insuance, money and on and on.
I was going to sell my home and move there originally, but Mom went downhill so fast I didn't have a chance to. Luckily, I had savings to live off of because I haven't been able to work...
Anyway, I wish I had been there everyday for my Mom, all I can think about is the time I wasn't there.
I think you are very brave and kind for what you are doing... Best wishes to your Mom, she is lucky to have you and I'm sure she knows that.
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I guess in some cases our mothers gave up "their dream life" to do what they did.
hugs across the miles for you.
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ladeeda- ure right . our mom s did give up her dreams , dream all u want in ur mind and face the reality when that dreams pops we could just cry . lol im always dreamin of me layin out on the beach and watch the world go by .....
theres alot that i want in life but hey i know thats not happening unless i win the lottery ....
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Hello and I am going to say something that is not so popular, I think it is admirable that you gave up your dream job but I am not sure it was the best decision. I am not sure it is good to give up our life for our parents. I think our own live's are important and it is different if we have kids, we choose to have the children and we do have to put them first until they are adults.

I am caring for my mother now and I can see all my energy is going to my mother. She has alzheimers and if she was in her right mind she wouldn't allow me to be looking after her, she would want me to have my own life back. So my day, my time, my energy is spent very much around her and it gets soaked up and she isn't even in the worst stages of alzheimer. I saw this bring my brother down and I took over when he left, my sister is abroad and so she although she gets upset about it she can get on with her own day quite easily.

I will soon move away because I think I have to for my own sanity and that to me is important. My mother is sweet most of the time and I do love her but I will work hard not to feel guilty and I will work to ensure she has support in place from professional carers etc.

I write this because I think it is important to make exit strategies for ourselves and not to have guilt about it and maybe this can help you. Good luck, Jayne x
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Money, why would you want to get over that feeliing, you should be proud of yourself and feel wonderful. Yes, what you are going thru is extreme, I also feel like I gave up my life too, but inside I know I am a good person and am dong the right thing. I wish you would hold your head up with PRIDE because you are a wonderful person! I certainly hope someone helps us out in the future too, true love is what we all need, unconditional. Bless You !
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Mom moved into my home 9 mos. ago practically on her death bed, she came to me asking for help as taking care of herself was to much for her. She has stabelized alot, yet needs 24/7 care. I am getting tired and find myself frustrated. The family doesn't understand meeting these demands can be overwhelming, nor do they have a clue about the responsibility nor do they seem to care about my feelings. I am trying to hire respite but working with them is a nightmare letting go of her finances to pay for extra care, I am POA of healthcare and sister POA of financial. Never thought this would happen in my family.
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I left my dream life to take care of my mom.
Monkey... If your house went into foreclosure, I don't think you were living a dream life. It sounds as if your mother is giving you a place to live, even if it is in her basement. I doubt you are paying rent or buying groceries.

Now I am living in the basement and running her errands and doing any chores she is too tired to do. I feel as though I sacrificed my entire life and person that I am to help her.

I doubt if you will ever get over the feeling about HOW MUCH YOU ARE SACRIFICING FOR DEAR OLD MOM.

I don't know how old you are or your mothers age. I guess you are forgetting the fact your mother brought you into this world and sacrificed her life bringing you up as a child. Changing your diapers, doing your laundry, picking up after you and nursing you when you were sick. Turn about fair play, my dear. I think you would regret the fact that you did NOTHING when your mother needs you at this time.

WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE YOUR MOTHER'S AGE AND NEED SOMEONE TO HELP YOU?

Do you have a child? Is she going to feel the same as you do? I feel for you.
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You might want to read the book "When I Married My Mother" by Jo Maeder. It's a true story about a woman that also has a fabulous job in NYC and gives it up to move south to take care of her aging mother that she is not particularly fond of. One reviewer stated "This generous gift of a book explores the mystery of how doing the right thing can, in the end, become infinitely more." I really enjoyed reading it and I'm guessing you would also. I found it on half.com for a very cheap price.

As for my own story, I moved my mother in with me for six months under Hospice Care which was something I never thought I could do because my mother drove me crazy but in the condition she was in, I wasn't expecting her to be with me for very long. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. I'm happy to report that my mother has had a totally God-given miracle recovery and has moved back to assisted living and is enjoying it tremendously. Looking back, I think it was God's plan all along to bring my mother and I closer together. We have both been changed in a way that I can't explain.

I also try to mention as often as I can on here that when we took my mother off of a pain medication called "Tramadol," she started to get better immediately. She had been on it for a year and it did take care of her aches and pains but it also seemed to cause hallucinations and sleeplessness. As crazy as it sounds, my mother (who is 88) was also on alzheimers meds for 5 years but she no longer has alzheimers.... it has completely disappeared along with her cataracts with no explanation. She's as good as she was 15 years ago. We keep thinking maybe we were wrong and the doctors were wrong and she didn't have alzheimers and should have never been on the medication for it but we're only trying to justify her recovery. She did have alzheimers and the meds did help for several years. Mom is now reading 3 novels a week and we can't stop smiling. God is good! I pray for the same for all of you. God Bless!!
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Hey Puzzlesncards2--great name! You know, some of us did NOT have wonderful Mothers who did all the sweet mommy things. Some of us had selfish, emotionally disturbed individuals who shirked their duties and passed them off to someone else. It is painful to read about people who love their parents so much that they will do anything and everything for them. That must be a wonderful sentiment to have, and I can understand that. But, please remember everyone's lives are different: some people have been abused, neglected, and abandoned. There is nothing fair about comparing a bouncy baby who is a handful for 3 years, watching them grow and develop with hope for the future with a person who is mentally deranged and slowly dying. There are so many examples of relationships on this site, and some are normal and loving, and some are manipulative and sick. Blessings to YOU!
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Please know that many of us have found ourselves in the same situation. I certainly did, leaving my home and job and friends and life to move in with my father to be his caregiver. Deedee67 (response right above mine) really sums up my feelings and expressions to you exactly. Please do remember, you're probably in this for the "long haul" as I have found; you must make and find time for yourself or you will become resentful -- which is not what you want for yourself or your mom. Best wishes and a hug!
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Think about what you would want if you were in her place. Would you want the comfort of knowing that someone you love is caring for you and looking out for your well being? Of course you would!!! My family goes throught the same thing taking care of my mom but I wouldn't change that for the world. The love in her eyes that she exhibits every day when I know she is content warms my heart. She doesn't understand what is happening to her with her dementia and confustion but it makes me know how much she loves and appreciates the sacrifices we make to take care of her. Hold you head up high and know that you are doing the right thing whether it was your choice or you were put in that position by default. As I told my husband when his mom was dying "you only have one mother, so be there for her". His mother did difficult things to him when he was young and he was in and out of foster care for years. To this day he was so appreciative that he was by her side when she passed even after all the hard feelings he had toward her and he wouldn't have it any other way. God Bless you for taking care of you mom and you will know you did all you could do to help her when her time on this earth is completed.
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From what I have read on this site, many wives are more married to their mom than to their husbands. They need to read about boundaries and marriage. This not what many want to hear, but need to hear it which many on this site learned the hard way. There is one more book on unhealthy parent and adult child which I will not mention because of the troubling language of it's title that might turn people away from the book.
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When I first started to read these posts I thought I was going to cough up a hairball, everyone seemed to have such a good time with a warm and fuzzy approch to giving up your life to take care of your mother (Who are they trying to convince, me or themselves?). One of them asks who was going to take care of you when you age, a lot of my earlier life was spent sorry that I did not have children, but since I have been back here in the Midwest looking after my mother I am for the first time glad I did not have the urge to procreate if it comes down to someone to care for me when I age. After living the life as outlined by the question (except I live in the attic, not the basement) I would rather go to the VA, or a shelter, or sleep under a bridge before I would inflict myself on a loved child! When I can no longer take care for myself, just shoot me and bury me behind the barn! On a more level note, I make sure that I magnify whatever eccentricities I have to keep myself established as an individual, not as just my mother's caregiver. There is another whole blog on this site called "I love my mother but I do not like her." Look it up, you will find you are very much not alone. Oh, one more thing - It does not matter whether my mother "gave up a good life" to have me - If she became pregnant with me, it was her choice, or chance, or 'thing', not mine, and nothing to be grateful for to the point in which she requires me, or you, give up your life for her. Having me was her choice! To love with an open hand is the most ultimate form of love. Even if you feel, and are, stuck, please do not lose your individuality, in the end it is all you have.
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The problem with all of that, DT, is that when you get to the point of needing assistance, someone else is making your decisions for you and most people, independent as they'd like to think they are, are happy to let someone else do it.... including you.
Nobody will shoot you and bury you behind the barn. You'll be stuck with some wonderful caregiver taking care of your every need and you'll be able to be as crabby as you want to be and they'll tell their friends what a crabby old fart you are.......lol
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I need to say that having children was my dream. I did not give up any dream to have them - they were and are my dream. I have to agree with cmagnum. On this site I have seen spouses whose marriages are breaking up because they are putting their parents before their marriages. I don't think this benefits any individual and certainly does not benefit society. Resources for eldercare are not as good as is needed. I suppose in time they may "catch up". On the other hand, Monkey, you made your decision to give up your job etc and care for your mother and you are hanging in there and working for better care and quality of life for her. That is commendable. Again I will stress, as some others have, please look after yourself as you go through this with your mum. Pancreatic cancer hits hard and fast and people normally survive less than a year. Do save some time and energy for your own well being and planning for your future. Blessings Joan
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I was just thinking the other day about my old job and giving it up to take care of my mom more than 10 years ago. I took care of my mom several times over the years even while in college. But the final time ended up with me being out of work for 22 months. When I was offered a job at the company I had previously worked at, they took into consideration my 23 months of seniority I had left when I left to take care of my mom. I had one month left before they would have started me at the bottom. I started back to work 6 weeks after my mom died and two weeks later my husband was laid off (again.) 6 months after that we found out that the reason for his severe back pain for 6 years was a benign nerve sheath tumor. He had been working a contracting position that did not offer health insurance and Cobra was way too expensive to pay for. It worked out that with my job and insurance and his unemployment that we made it and he had the surgery by one of the top neurosurgeons in the country by December that year after my mom at died in January. I am sure that my real needs and the needs of my husband were taken care of even when we had no idea how it would work out. Even when I finally had to resign to take care of my mom by bringing her to my home, for some reason I told my supervisor that this company really was not the supplier of my needs. I am not for sure where that came from, but I was making a statement of faith that somehow and someway my needs would be met so I could take care of my mom. I had somehow known since I was 7 that my parents were older than most kids parents and that I would be facing care giving at a younger age than most people. When her cancer showed up in the brain, I knew she was not going to make it this time and that I was in it for the long haul. I knew there was no other path I wanted to take, because I would never get this time back or be able to relive this experience.

Since then I worked for a few more years before I resigned to be a stay at home mom and because of my own health. I look back sometimes on the time I enjoyed my job and miss it, but I know that I enjoy my life even more now than ever before. We do not always know what course our life will take. I am always surprised, most of the time pleasantly, to see where my life has lead. What is the saying "it is not where you are going that is so important, but the journey to get there."

I encourage you to journal about your feelings and experiences as a caregiver as well as after your mom as died. Then in a few years go back and read it. I hope you will think you are reading a wonderful novel.
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You gotta have pride in what you are doing... Remember that word "PRIDE"

That's opposed to shame or embarrassment or what other people think of you or what you *think* other people think of you (and there will be people who will look down on you - let 'em think whatever the heck they want to think - what do they know?)

You've signed on to a tough and sometimes thankless job where your needs are greater than everybody else's supply and anger and frustration at everyone, including God, is normal.

Hang in there. You're right up there with the Marine who throws himself on a hand grenade! (too bad we don't get a medal)
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