Is anyone else feeling sad this Christmas?

i'm going to set a reminder on my phone to get on here next year a few days before Xmas. This season was a toughie. Dad was in medical rehab recovering from a fall. Benefits ran out around December 12. Home for a week and a half, then hospitalized again due to fluid retention. Came home around the 22nd. Mom and me did our best but so hard on top of everyday things and xmas prep. Sister and brother came home for holidays. Sister big help. Brother not so much. Brother is only one of us 3 that has a child (toddler) so I am trying to be sympathetic but not doing a good job. Dad has surgery Jan 12 to remove a mass in his stomach. so it was like that was LOOMing over all of us. I feel happy today bec the holidays are over for another year. Yay!

Its very sad when your husband ignores you

To SusanEB. Thanks for the hug. Love the picture. Take care of yourself and may your year be filled with many new adventures (hopefully good ones), and many blessings.

Gladimhere: Not really hard to understand, GREED. Money is the root of all evil. Yes, I thank God every day for financial situation. God guided me to a good husband and we didn't spend more than we made. Angry sibs always wanted champagne on a beer budget, plus alcohol and "recreational drugs" entered the picture. I am so sorry about your situation, praying that all in financial need can find relief. As far as them paying per the court order, FIGHT!! Get whoever you can to help you get what is rightfully yours. Call social services and tell them you are leaving, have a date and do it. Force her to step up to the plate. You should have prosecuted her and the attorney for stealing from your mother. Don't be the sissie, act now. It is never to late. Get on the phone and start making calls to anyone who will listen.

Brin, I just want to try to understand why these sorts of things happen. In my situation it is completely and utterly baffling! In the beginning sibs wanted to pay me and we were ready to sit down with my Mom's attorney, that developed her trust. When that attorney talked about a dollar amount ts2 got so angry she terminated the attorney, got another one, represented herself to the new attorney as trustee, which she wasn't since she took Mom to financial institutions to change accounts rather than obtain letters from docs as to Mom's incapacity, and her attorney believed her. And off we go. The only thing I can think of is that maybe she is in some sort of financial trouble. Though she owns her house and has been in it for roughly 20 years, and they own at least four rental properties and she and her hubby make decent money. Do they need the inheritance to pay some things off? So, it is preferable for me to lose everything? End up on the streets, homeless? I am not exaggerating! And the amount of money spent on attorneys, my Mom's money, is preferable to paying me all while reducing the inheritance significantly? Just do not get it at all.

And now with a court order almost two months ago to pay me a specific amount and still not been paid a dime! Just do not get it at all! I would also have your grace if I was set financially for retirement, which is nowhere near where I should or could be.

Or is she so angry at Mom's limited guardian, that makes emergency medical and residential decisions and has determined that Mom is to remain at home as long as I provide her care? Anytime during my first two years here sis could have moved Mom any time she wanted and never did. Free care is better for sissies in the long run.

Don't know about the permit for payment, but really don't want or need to be paid. Why anger my sibs even more by taking money from the estate. I did it out of love and by the grace of God don't need payment. Thanks for your comments. Yes I am fortunate to be the POA, but with it comes grief from the anger of my sibs. I have and will continue to forgive them.

Brin does your mom's poa permit for payment to you for financial and medical management? My Mom's are written up that way and I wonder how much POA TS has paid herself while I am not paid a dime.

At the very least you should bill her estate for your years of care. And I think you would be able to put a care agreement in place if there were a geriatric evaluation by a care manager then negotiation about being paid. You are so fortunate you have the POA's!

With the help of God and my counselor I have avoided taking my life. But I'm tired and spent emotionally and physically. The site is the best help I find now. Thanks all of you loving caregivers. It is nice to know I'm not alone in my pain.

Brin, I too, have a twisted sister. Hang on things will eventually get better. Please don't do anything rash, like take your own life.

Hope everyone's new year is better than the last one. Many siblings ignore parents with advanced dementia, saying they wouldn't remember it anyway. These siblings miss out on a lot of memories.

Can't seem to shake this bout of Christmas sadness. My Dad with Alz sat in front of the tree waiting, for what I don't know. He didn't say much. But not one of my siblings called him to wish him a Merry Christmas. If my Mom were alive this would not have happened. It seems like they just have washed their hands of him. I know that I have to let my expectations of them go......get on with my life. But for now I feel so sad for him. He does not deserve to be forgotten or ignored just because he has Alzheimers. Thanks for listening and your support. Happy New Year!

Gladimhere, sorry to hear about you situation. Thankfully I have full POA's for my Mom. Like you, I have not been paid for keeping Mom. My brother turned on me just one week after making him the loan. So now have 2 sibs that hate me. It is hard to believe that the courts are so lax. Have you considered getting a conservator? That will take the money out of sisters hands and make things better for you. We are all here for you and wish we could give you face to face help. You need to get some control. Just keep trying and hopefully some kind attorney will give you the help you need. I will be praying for good things for you. This situation is WRONG!! and so many on this blog are facing the same issues. FIGHT!! If I could I would give you the POA. Wish this would happen. Hope you are better today. All our love to you.

Brin,
I too deal with the hate from my twisted sisters. Both live in the area. One has POA, and I have cared for Mom 24/7 for nearly three years and not been paid a dime! And my mom has resources that thentwisted ones want when Mom passes. Instead of putting a care agreement together three years ago TS's decided to fight in court. Probably ends up costing mom in the area of 100k, money that my sibs have willingly admitted Mom would rather go to a family member. My retirement account is nearly gone, I had a fire at my house in August, and don't know if I will be able to rebuild or not because insurance may not cover all of it. And a very close friend that was caring for my house and cats, was slightly injured in the fire, passed away two months ago. And TS's still take the hard line against me. It has been one he!! Of a year, I will be glad to get it over! And at court hearing two months ago, POA was ordered to pay the professionals and me a pittance each month. Nobody has been paid. Then sib tried to delay payment because of a motion I made for clarification on how much back pay I am to get. So, it can get really ugly, but my POA sis won't even reimburse me for money I spent. You were very kind to your brother to loan him the money. And I provide the care and cannot even get reimbursements! Would you be my sis POA?

I should have addressed this to only1child and Brin (I think my dementia is kicking in) so sorry. Your stories are just heart-wrenching! Linda

Oh Brin, I am so sorry everything is so hard! Please know that we all are rooting for you! I think it is time for mom to be placed in an AL facility or a progressive care place, anywhere but with you. You do so need to regain your life from her and DON'T let her or your sibs manipulate you through guilt or threats from doing this. Nano does need to smile again. You do not have to be her caregiver anymore, you can pull the plug and we will support you, this site is good for that. And no, you never get used to the hate or the abuse - which is what is happening to you. You are obviously, a loving person, and raised 2 wonderful sons - only a loving mother can do that. You do need help and you need to save yourself! Please let us know how you are doing. I wish I could help more but my mom is home and other than several extended stays in a NH/Rehab facility I don't have the expertise you need, but there are others on this site that can give you more information, the type you need to place mom in a facility. I say facility because I'm pretty sure that neither your brother or sister will step up to take mom in to live with them! They are probably very good at complaining about you taking care of mom and VERY bad at taking the responsibility for caring for her. Please let us know how you are doing, it is time to out-source this job! I will pray for you and hope that, in the near future, mom can be sitting in some nice facilities day room complaining. :-) and you, spending some quality, happy times with your sons and grandchildren. Bless you and many warm hugs.

gladimhere, No he just turned on me and sided with my sister and was hateful to me I am POA and they are mad. The $5,000 was a loan from my mothers estate (which will be repaid). I facilitated the loan and he was all nicy nicy for about a week. I am DONE with them. They will get their money when the time comes. It is so hard to have your siblings hate you. I hurt so bad. You would think I would get used to it, but I never do. Any ideas how to deal with this hate?

I now know that I do not visit this site often enough. There are many of "us" out there and knowing that gives me some feelings of friendship. Holiday times are always a time of reflection and I now believe more so with "folks like us".
Twelve years ago my marriage of 33 years ended. I moved to another city, found a job and began picking up the pieces of my life. I lived there for almost seven years before returning to my home geographic area. Mom and Dad each had major health issues and I knew the inevitable was coming sooner than later. Let me interject here that I am an only child. I found a good job here, purchased a small fixer upper, and prepared to settle down for the rest of my days near my children and soon to be grandchildren. I know God has a warped sense of humor because two days after the moving truck delivered my household goods to my new cottage my mother called me about midnight one evening and said my father had fallen out of the bed, could not get up, and there was something wrong with him. Their home was about five miles from mine. I tore into some jeans and a shirt and flew to their house. Dad was indeed on the floor and mom was just sitting on the side of the bed crying and wringing her hands. She had not dialed 911 or called either of my sons or even covered him up. I knew immediately that dad had suffered a large stroke and that he was terrified.
That is the background for my current life. Dad only lived three days after that. We have a working cattle and grain farm so many things had to be done on the farm as well as with mom. The farm was the easy part. I am blessed with two sons that idolized their grandfather and had spent as much time as possible with him so they were well equipped with the necessary knowledge to take over the farm operation. Thankfully they had both completed their college educations by then and were gainfully employed.
Fast forward to 2014: I have to say I am another caregiver that loves her mother but just does not like her. She began to fall a lot in the year after Daddy died and it quickly became apparent that she was unable to safely live alone. So what do I do???? She moved into my house with me.....and my life as I'd known it was gone. She has been with me for five years. (remember, I'm an only child) I have no life, no close friends, no freedom, and according to her no brain at all. She berates me almost daily that I am divorced from the man she thought was the best choice for me in 1967. She has even accused me of being the reason that Dad died. According to her it was the disgrace of the divorce, etc. etc. I feel as though I'm living in her soap opera. She is one of the most controlling and mean spirited people I ever had to deal with in my life. I was a military wife for 33 years, moved my family across the globe alone, bought and sold homes, and raised two wonderful sons. Even the darkest and loneliest times of my life never came close to what I am now living. I write all of this down, and then I read it.....the guilt rolls in, and I feel completely alone. How do the rest of you cope with the life change and the isolation from the rest of the world? I never felt one bit of Holiday spirit. I decorated sparsely, brought gifts for my three granddaughters, took Mom and we spent Christmas day with my family. I didn't want to return home. I've been so depressed since .... She's back in her sitting room, shrieking at me and enjoying her misery. I don't know what to do. I can't cope like this much longer. I have developed major health issues: fibromyalgia, and diabetes which my physicians tell me have probably been brought on by stress.
I was having a glass of wine while trying to enjoy the small tree I did put up but I have no feeling at all. My beautiful six year old granddaughter said to me today, "Nano, you don't smile anymore!" I suppose that says it all.
I pray for a brighter new year.....for each and everyone of us. Happy New Year, fellow care-givers.

Brin, do you mean he literally stabbed you in the back? My guess is that he did not repay the money you loaned him?

I am so exhausted from crying. My whole body hurts. My brother who I loaned $5,000 to buy a car last week stabbed me in the back today. Will this hate ever end? I am empty, don't know how long I can go on. Worried about son and baby. DL acted like a bitch to me and my mom all day. I am taking Mom back home tomorrow. Will call my councilor and tell her I need to see here ASAP. Husband is coming up for New Year's. Husband is just sitting around looking so sad. This whole house is filled with sadness. Need to leave in the morning and try and heal myself. I'm going to bed and cry myself to sleep. Sorry to be so down, and hope I don't depress anyone else.

Jessie and Brin I really do hope things work out for you! Thankfully the holidays are almost over and I've decided not to expect myself to feel overjoyed (hah!) but to just try enjoy of find something to enjoy in every day. Brin I wish you the best of luck in trying to help your son and grandson. I think it is a very good idea to consult a lawyer to find out what your options are....maybe your son can get custody :-D.

I am going to find the best child custody attorney in KC. We are NOT going to let this wonderful child go through any chaos. My heart breaks for my son also. Thanks for all the prayer to heal this broken family.

Brin, an open relationship must be scary for everybody. So often people develop an attitude that things could be so much better somewhere else. Since it is the girlfriend that wants this, it could be that your son could maintain custody of the child. This is not a stable environment for the baby nor preferred. So keep zthat in mind that if push comes to shove. And your son should not go along with it. May be time for him to see an attorney, on the hush, hush of course. I imagine he could get a free consultation.

brinoz, I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. I don't know how things will work out, but I am praying for the best for you. An open relationship does not sound good at all. I hope she will stop to think about what is best for her son and give him some stability. God be with you this next month.

Thank goodness Christmas is almost over. My husband, my rock, broke down and cried tonight. This is only the 2nd time in 32 years I have seen him cry. Our lives have been turned upside down these last 3 years. I have been caring for my mother five hours from my home, our son who we had such high hopes for got his girlfriend pregnant and now they are living in our basement with our beautiful grandson. We love this baby so much. He has been the only bright spot in our lives for 3 years. Now we have found out his mother has asked our son for an "open relationship". We are scared to death that she will bolt and take our precious grandson. My husband has been trying to keep everything together, but the stress of me gone, son's life compromised and the possibility of losing our most precious grandson has been more than he can take. It breaks my heart to see my husband so broken. I need to be with him and hopefully this will happen soon. I am planning on putting my mother in assisted living Jan. 15, which on it's own, is tearing me apart. Please pray for our family as we are broken and need strength to go on. Thank you all for your love and friendship.

Well, Christmas festivities are over. It turned out to be very good. My nephew brought his fiancee. They are so in love that it was sweet. Full of food and family at the moment. My nephew and his fiancee did look a bit confused when Mom asked them for the third or fourth time about when they were getting married. They understood, though, and just answered each time. I don't think anyone could have picked a better wife for the young man. She is special.

It's 1.30 a.m. Christmas eve/Christmas morning. Strangely, here in SW Ontario we have no snow but it's been raining all day and the wind is howling across the fields. My dad passed 15 years ago (his birthday was boxing day), my mother is in a nursing home and out of it. There's no other family so it's just me and my critters.

"Nothing is stirring, not even a mouse" ... all the critters are sleeping and I guess I should get to bed but I haven't been sleeping well the past week. I don't have the Christmas spirit but I'm not sad or lonely either, just seeming to trudge through each day until the start of a new year. In the past couple of days a friend lost her mother and another friend lost her beloved old dog.

I've prepared the trimmings, I'll roast the turkey and continue painting the bathroom. For so many Christmas is just a time to get past the best we can.

Italiangirl002, just stick with this group and we all will give you encouragement and hope. See a Dr. for the depression. That will help, as I am much better now with antidepressant meds. You sound like a wonderful person that loves her Mom and daughters. Hang in there, things always get better.Don't feel bad about crying, I do it daily, helps clear the soul.

Thanks for all the kind words. My DIL just does not like me. She has complete control of my son and my husband. Since I'm never here, she has taken over my home. She holds the baby over their heads also. It is a bad situation but there is nothing I can do. I have tried. Don't want to hurt my son as he can see how sad I am and can't do a darn thing. Husband wants to keep the access to the baby that he has. Right now there is no solution. After I place my mother, I will have time to work on this. Now, I'm just trying to keep the family together. DIL had a very dysfunctional childhood; mother abandoned her at 2 and her dad remarried 4 more times. I think she just dislikes all women. I NEVER cross her or try to get the upper hand as it just wouldn't work. I'm trying to be as happy as I can. What else can we all do?

Hugs ((((Italiangirl)))). I can tell you love your mother. I wish they could stay well until their last day on earth, then the Lord would take them fast. I was thinking today about how people think caregiving is like having a child. I thought about how we watch as our loved one slowly leaves us and realize it is not like having a child at all. I think long-term caregivers are remarkable, because they couldn't hold up under it if they weren't. I think it is totally okay to cry. I remind myself that death only happens here on earth and the spirit just crosses over. It makes it easier for me.

I am new to this page. I am very, very depressed, I know how you feel. Just me and my 91 year old beautiful bed ridden mother. I have two teen daughters, I had to leave for a few moments so I could cry