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Got another call from the nursing home last night. Mom tried to get out of bed and fell out (luckily they have gym mats next to her bed). After 9 years of this Parkinson's with dementia, husband with 7 surgeries in the last 3 years, my young life dealing with my father's decline and death, and my autistic daughter, I'm on auto pilot. I feel nothing, and I think the nursing staff thinks I don't care. Don't like how or what I've become. Has anyone ever felt the same way and if so, any suggestions on how to come out of this?

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It sounds like you have really been through it. If it's how you cope, then, I'd stick with it. It's not the staff's place to judge you.

Did they take her to the ER? I know that if anything at all happens to my LO in MC, they send her to the ER. Of course, they call me and I meet them there.(For some reason this always happens between midnight and 3:00 a.m.) The last couple of times, there was really nothing wrong with her, but, they tell me they have their rules. So, I get it. We have a lot on our shoulders. I suspect that you do care, but, are perhaps suffering from compassionate fatigue.
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Don't worry about what the nursing staff think. I mean, honestly, you've got enough on your plate without that haven't you? And, besides, I'd give them more credit for experience - if they don't understand how stressful it is to support a loved one with Parkinson's and dementia then I don't know who would.

I had episodes of feeling detached from reality, most marked during my three hours off every Monday when a professional caregiver came for respite breaks and I was supposed to go out and do something constructive (yeah, right). Auto pilot, numb, freefall - yes, I can relate to that sort of sensation. No idea what I was doing or what I was meant to be doing, almost to the point of its being quite dangerous now I think back to it.

I am guessing that one reason that we feel like this is that there *is* nothing we can do about the illness and frailties and disabilities our loved ones are facing. We are helpless. All we can do is be there and care about it. Just as shell-shock is the result of being kept under fire without possibility of escape, all we can do is take in what's happening without being able to change it. Our options are: a) suck it up or b) turn our backs. And b) is not a real option for people who've already got as far down the road as you have.

What you can do for your own mental health? I've heard mindfulness as a therapy warmly recommended by respectable sources, would that appeal to you?

And for the immediate issue, that of how a normal person reacts when they get a call in the night saying that mother has fallen out of bed, no harm done... Well, what are you supposed to say? Apart from "thank you for letting me know, please give her my love." Were they expecting you to hurtle round there and kiss her better or something?
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I wouldn't classify it as numbness, but I think that being overwhelmed and almost stunned might describe it. Sometimes it's more than our minds can process and accept. And there's also the feeling that life is out of control, and that's a frightening and unsettling experience.
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Sounds like compassion fatigue, otherwise known as burnout. My cure came when mom went into the nursing home, but I'm not sure I will ever feel "normal" again.
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I would frame it another way. I think your "numbness" is your brain's way of protecting you so that you can keep going. Otherwise, with all of your responsibilities and you have a LOT, you'd totally crack up.

Do you have some girlfriends you can spend some time with? I always found that restorative for me. Or some purely physical activity that you have to think about, to get your mind engaged fully in something else? Those were two things that helped me stay sane.
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First of all, do not worry what the staff thinks of you. After feeling stunned and shocked at what suddenly kept happening with my previously competent and well mom, the staff should have been more worried about what I thought of them! It is normal to shut down some, or go into stunned mode when constantly bombarded with negative news about your loved one. The staff should not be judging you but rather doing their job caring for your loved one.
If you have someone you can talk to that might be helpful. I also kept a journal and would compartmentalize my days and write to let it all out that way. You can also come on here to vent after a rough day as there are threads on here for that. Don't forget to be kind to yourself when you can, even little things like a good cup of coffee, watching birds, the sunrise, flowers, etc. can add up and help if you do them a little each day.
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"Me Time!"

You are in drastic need of some quality "Me Time!"

And remember, crying is therapeutic. Sometimes just crying helps.

Katie 22 really said it very well. Don't worry about what anyone else might think - they are not walking in your shoes.
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Wine, Marley and Me, box of tissue and some ice cream. Let the stress out with a good cry. Then get back at it. It works for me. :)
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I totally get it. Three long years of craziness from my mom, multiple falls, hospitaizations, brief nursing home stints where all she did was scream and cry to go home. And of course as the "good daughter" left by the other FIVE siblings to deal with it all. Yeah I became numb to it all and searched for an escape. I over heard mom tell a nursing home roommate one time that yes, I was sweet but "so cold." Yeah, numb is a survival technique. Even when she was in hospice slowly dying for five days I felt little but the agony of getting through it. Six months later I miss the mom I had before the hell started but I don't see how I could have done anything different. My mom did not raise me though, not sure if that makes a difference. Blessings through this hard time, it does end and you get your life back. Eventually.
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please , if you have not, get help for depression , it won't help everything but will help some . Also, maybe join a FB group like Life with Alzheimers to get understanding , compassion and help others too !
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You are not alone. Many of us have these feelings. I've even wished my mil would decline to the point that she would forget certain things and stop the constant threatening phone calls . I know it's mean but I've been through so much the past 6 years with adult children, moving, marriage issues, illness, fathers death, I sometimes just want my life to end so I don't have to deal with one more thing. I just have to convince myself that it doesn't matter what the staff thinks about us at the NH . They have no idea what my husband's parents have put us through. We haven't visited in 2 months but have to force ourselves to go see them the day after thanksgiving. I will just suck it up and go. MIL is so clingy and begs me the whole time to get her out and is so loopy . She thinks I'm the ticket out. It creeps me out to be with her and I don't sleep for days. My husband just kind of dumps her on me while he tries to navigate getting along with his bellowing father while we visit
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We numb out to protect ourselves sometimes and then, without warning, the dam breaks and it all comes rushing back. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and remember that "This, too, shall pass.
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I don’t think the Staff will judge you at all. I told the staff at my mom’s SNF that I have to cut back visits with my mom. They totally get it and I told them that I know my mom is kept busy with activities and she is very well taken care of. Now I make quick visits every now and then, I work for my husband so I can leave work for an hour to drop in for a short visit..
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I'm so sorry that you are going through so much at the same time.
I find that putting myself first at some level has made all the difference. If you are not in a good place mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, then every little thing that happens all day long has a tendency to have a profound (usually negative) effect on you.
I take time every day (98% of the time) to get in a walk outside (no matter how short or long it is), do a little something creative (watercolors, coloring book, etc) and time to breathe and stretch. Those things along with 5 to 20 minutes of meditation a day have worked wonders for me taking care of my mom, in the later stages of dementia, in my home. I can stay more positive and let more things roll off my back (and a good cry in the shower a couple times a week, gotta let out the emotional stress) Prayers and hugs coming your way...
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I think there's another dimension to being judged by other people beyond the insult to ourselves. It's that these people could involve APS, adding to the stress caregivers already feel.

I've found that if someone hasn't been a caregiver, and often even if someone has but no longer is, or if someone is in the medical professional and makes assumptions w/o knowing all the facts, there's a much different perception of what caregivers should be doing and how much strength and time we really have These people can make inappropriate, snap, and uninformed judgments. And they can act on those judgments.

And that creates more stress for the caregivers - dealing with APS or even nongovernmental meddlers is disconcerting and redirects attention from more critical issues and tasks.
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buttersmom1: You should hold your head high because you, my dear, have excelled! Anyone who is either a short-term or a long-term caregiver does need respite.
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Your mind is in self protect mode which is normal, acceptable and actually good for you - the overwhelming stress could make you sick but in stead it has numbed you to any more hurt or stress - when things get less stressful beware of the return of emotions as they have been absent for a while - good luck but remember you are doing your best at a very trying time
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Yup. Your brain is protecting you. Do what you need to do to prevent yourself from getting any worse. If that means cutting back on the visits, do it.
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Oh, do I identify with a lot of what has been said here. I just came from a horrible visit with my mother - she seems to have gone into a depressive mode, everything was negative, the staff were all mean to her and she said one of them hit her. This is the first time I have heard this kind of thing. I don't know what to believe. She didn't have any marks on her that I could see and it is not unreasonable to think that this is her Bi-polar illness talking as she then proceeded to tell me how mean my visiting brothers and sisters were. She has been there 6 months and I've never seen her so negative about the staff. She says "I want to come home" and my mind goes to scenarios "I'll sell my house, I'll bring her home and go live with her and my dad and take care of them both". This mental scenario plays out at least once a week. And I feel a sense of relief until I imagine what that would be like, and I'm filled with anxiety as I realize that I am between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go. And then I have a crazy-making conversation with a nurse whom I've had a run-in before and I leave utterly devastated. 95% of the staff at this facility are kind and loving and helpful, but this one? not so much. And I drive home thinking "Who do I talk to" and wonder when it will be over. When I'm dead? That was an hour ago, and since then I've made myself a good dinner and Facetimed with my daughter and prayed. I'm sane now, but it was sketchy for a while there. I remember what I have read on here that we did not cause this situation, the mental and phsyical decline of parents to the point where we cannot care for them.
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Yes. I have felt this way. I share the many opinions of others here, who are explaining that this happens when we are just beyond our limits of coping the way we have any longer. Some call it "shutting down." Professionals may call it "dissociating." It seems maybe, to be a way of detaching yourself from the pain, as a last-ditch attempt to survive it. I am sorry you are feeling this. And for all the incredibly hard things you described that you have to deal with. Who, in your place, wouldn't need to shut down? I don't even know how you have endured all this. I have been through multiple/complex traumas since birth; diagnosed with severe and recurring PTSD. In therapy, I learned that this "dissociating" is a gift. Something our brains give us when everything is just too much. It can help us for a time. Especially, when we are going through something in the present. Like the others said, don't worry a bit about what anyone else thinks of you. They don't walk in your shoes. I can't imagine who could:( If you feel numbness right now, I would just let it be. You will be able to feel again, when circumstances are different and you feel safe and comfortable enough to do so. Don't worry. I'm sorry I don't have an answer to your question, about how to come out of it, but I do know that what you're feeling (or not feeling for good reasons), is actually completely normal. I am in awe of you being alive and trying so hard to deal with everything. You deserve so much more. Happiness...definitely:) I pray this for you, or hope it..wish it. I've been going through the same thing as the POA and caregiver for my mom for a long time now. The numbness comes and goes; it is usually there when I most need it- when things are beyond too much. But, my real feelings are always still there, deep underneath. And when I have times of respite, they come back up. It is best then, that I let myself feel them all deeply. I cry , I sob, I feel this grief that I could not imagine. I let it out. It is hard. But it is what we, or I, must do, to heal. To push it down, then, will only make it come back up even harder. So, no matter what it takes, if and when you do have time/space to feel..let yourself. Grieve it out, and in time..you will feel better. At least, that has been true for me. Thank you for asking your question.
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Hi buttersmom1. I am so sorry about your situation. My guess is that you got your life sucked out of you. We all feel the way you do to some degree. The light at the end of the tunnel will come eventually. In the meantime, you need to make time for yourself, do something for yourself. It is not selfish, it's for your survival.
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First the nursing staff must tell you what is taking place as it is a law they must notify the family. My husband is now 3 years in a Memory Care for advanced Parkinson and they know us at the emergency room in the big hospital and now say hello and " Your back" . I have only one sister who is forever verbally attacking out of blue ( I know she must have something really going wrong) We are also facing really stress level financial issues, and other family members are of no real support due to many issues of bad health, mental issues, ect. So I have come to final conclusion I can't save anyone or fix anyone. I have turned so much over to a higher power and everyday I focus on positive places of my life and health. I try very hard to eat right, keep my focus and avoid negative people, watch TV programs that are mentally uplifting. You are really overwhelmed with the load you are faced with and would urge you to try and turn some of it to family members for help whether they like it or not. The nursing staff really see so many of these falls with advanced ill people it is just commonplace and they to become very accustomed to these issues. They care but face these problems all the time. They really never say anything about the families. After 3 years of my coming and going, it just another day for the nurses and staff. They do the best they can for the sick person. The staff really cares but they to must stay strong for the next round of issues. I have decided all these people who care for the ill are hero's including you ! The Nurses, Caregivers, Doctors, Firemen, Police, Hospitals, Ambulance, Military, FEMA , all those who serve to make my life and world a better place you are truly Angels and I love each of you ! Yes, I run out of gas and I cry for what is happening but remind myself of the thousands out there who fight the everyday battle to survive around the world. I have made a list of all the things I am grateful for and when I start slipping sideways, I read my list. I also work on keeping my humor and make little jokes when I can. So, your not alone in this battle for we are here with you - Stay strong and Celebrate Life !
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AZPrincess: "I have turned so much over to a higher power and everyday I focus on positive places of my life and health."

Thanks for reminding me of that. It's been a while since I remember the source of power.
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I was diagnosed with PTSD after my father expired - because I vicariously lived through his horrific suffering so my brain shut down and I was emotionally numb - for a very, very long time. Logically, of course, I knew where I was but I couldn't feel it, if you know what I mean. I felt like I was in a movie and everyone else was moving but I was literally stuck. I saw myself in the mirror but I didn't know who that person was - even though yes, I knew it was me. I just couldn't connect with anyone. I lost my sense of "being in the moment" and I was functioning like a robot. If you have typical symptoms of depression then yes, you're probably suffering from this illness. However, if you're functioning fine but feeling off and you're not feeling present, not feeling you're in the moment, then you could be suffering from trauma-related stress. Severe stress whether it's emotional or physical can cause the brain to shut down to protect itself. Research PTSD symptoms. Also, meet with a healthcare provider about depression. You may want to consider meeting with a hormone specialist too because when you're hormones are off, particularly thyroid, it can cause a slew of problems affecting the whole mind and body.
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Gee, your post certainly makes me count my blessings. Dad is 10 years into PD with dementia and in memory care. We live very close, and I'm retired, so I visit every day. Praying that his physical decline won't continue so that he won't have to go to a SNF. But my load at home is only what I want it to be. Hubby doesn't ask for much.
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I think we all have to realize the truth that our time on this planet is finite. No matter who needs how much from us. We have to find some way to deal with parents/ spouses/ children, whom ever we have become the caregivers to ,to still try and find some happiness. For me, when my mother is driving me crazy , I say to my self “ dissociate. Dissociate. “. I try really hard to mentally go some place else. And. She forgets anyway.
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